"How can I say this without breaking
How can I say this without taking over
How can I put it down into words
When it's almost too much for my soul alone"
Arizona took a deep breath when she saw Callie leaving the operating room. The brunette was tense, her shoulders were stiff and she had an arched eyebrow, in a sign of complete seriousness that was not common to the ever smiling woman's figure; Arizona could still identify the casual familiarity in Calliope gestures as she removed her surgical cap, letting her black hair fall on her back and breathing deeply with her eyes closed.
Given the events of the past week, Arizona could not think of a single reason to worry about the woman who had been her wife for years. Nevertheless, watching Callie overloaded and seeing the dolorous countenance she was showing made the pediatric surgeon feel compelled to comfort her.
Since the confrontation for full physical custody of little Sofia, the two mothers hadn't exchanged more than a friendly greeting in front of the girl. Arizona should feel good, everyone expected her to celebrate the victory, but her mind was as confused as before. Nothing about the situation they were in was normal or expected; ever since the divorce, both women had decided to act in a friendly manner for the sake of their beloved daughter, and Arizona couldn't understand how they had reached this point.
It was a fact that since the unfortunate moment in which the blonde had gotten involved with another doctor a few years earlier, Arizona had consented to everything that was proposed by Callie. In a certain way, the decision to consent to her ex-wife's every proposal was justified by guilt-Arizona would have never agreed to divorce, but the guilt that desolated her entire being prevented her from requiring anything of the partner and, from then on, every thought she had on claiming anything was silenced by remorse.
However, when the orthopedic surgeon announced with complete indifference and without the slightest consideration sign that she would take their daughter of halfway across the country to live with her new girlfriend, Arizona was left simply distraught. The fact that Callie wanted to follow her girlfriend on her new journey did not surprise her -it had happened to Arizona when she was sent to Africa for winning the grant -the brunette had always been enthusiastic and impulsive, but the speech given by the woman did not have any signs of contemplation about Arizona's thoughts on the situation.
Arizona shook her head shooing any impulse to walk towards Calliope and end any quarrel between them, and reminding herself of why she could not speak to the woman who she had once loved.
Recalling the things that Callie had put her through in court did her both good and bad at the same time. Thinking that her ex-wife had let her lawyer state that Sofia was less of her daughter for genetic matters made her feel such rage that was almost fatal to the surgeon, to the point of almost bursting into tears outside the operating room that she was about to enter. Arizona had won, she had taken his girl home and she would never have to stay away from her daughter again.
Sofia was her daughter. There was nothing wrong in the way the words sounded inside of Arizona's head; Sofia was hers -her daughter, her girl, her princess, her little one -but even thinking that the woman she had devoted her entire life to had completely different thoughts on that matter hurt her, thinking about it made the blonde fully break inside.
Arizona had won, but all she could feel was the immeasurable weight of loss: the loss of the woman she loved once again -and in a way that seemed irreparable to her -,loss of the friendly relationship they had built, loss of the confidence in the one single person who had possession of Arizona's essence -the blonde surgeon had given her entire being to the Calliope knowing that if she wanted, the brunette could destroy her, but without imagining that she would live to ever see that happening.
"Arizona?" the surgeon heard Alex's familiar voice calling her name in a delicate and careful way.
Alex knew her well enough and had seen the best and worst moments of Arizona's life, to the point of knowing exactly how were her habits and feelings. She knew Karev was concerned, from the moment she had gone back to work after the custody battle her friend had been hovering, making her feel home and trying his best to make her smile in the way that only Arizona knew how to -the super magic smile, the way Callie liked to categorize.
The blue eyed doctor turned to face Alex, losing sight of the brunette who was now talking to a resident about the surgery they had just performed and finding her friend's crooked smile right in front of her, holding a surgical mask pointed in her direction.
"Karev." Arizona greeted him in a friendly manner, leaning on the scrubbing sink of the operating room and giving the doctor an equally crooked smile.
"I'm ready when you are" he said, walking toward the sink and starting the mandatory cleaning process. "The mother is already on the table and fetus heartbeat is temporarily stable."
Arizona nodded, implying that she was aware of the situation.
"Thank you for helping me." She declared, starting her own scrubbing process and taking a deep breath again, in a concentrating act.
"You're kidding, right?" Alex replied playfully, hitting his shoulder on hers. "This is an awesome surgery, I'd be crazy to miss it."
Arizona gave him a more gentle smile this time.
"You know that's not what I mean" she completed.
Just like her ex-wife, Arizona had acquired some ritualistic habits that she performed before any surgery. For anyone who did not know her, the calculated stretching movements were casual and would indicate at most a muscular fatigue due to the heavy surgical routine she faced, but the doctor memorized each one and repeated them religiously.
Callie used to play with the ritual and the blonde could not help but remember the sweetness with which the wife liked to point each of the movements, as if he had spent hours the analyzing if and how the woman was amused the fact that Arizona he repeated the ritual also before cooking, or bathing in the small Sofia.
The doctor stretched his neck as he finished washing your hands properly, now trying to rid his thoughts of brunette who had just seen.
"Arizona" Alex called again, this time with a firmer tone, more worried. "Is everything okay? Do you want me to call the other fetal surgeon on call? If you are not well, go home, be with Sofia a few more days."
Arizona nodded, blinking several times and vaguely looking up, avoiding eye contact with the colleague, in a gesture that she used to repeat when she felt uncomfortable.
"Sofia has missed enough school days for the rest of the year," she said, her voice choking and her eyes still focusing anywhere but the friendly face who was by her side. "and I need to get back to work. I won, right? Why the hell would I not be fine?"
Alex bent his head in a sign of explicit tenderness and directing his still wet hands to his friend's shoulders, ignoring the fact that he had just spend four minutes scrubbing in vain, and proceeding with an almost forced hug, knowing that she would try to free herself from his grip in a first moment.
"Shh" he reassured her, not letting her move and slowly moving his hand to her hair, stroking her blonde curls gently, affectionately.
After a minute inside of her friend's embrace, in a safe environment, Arizona allowed herself to be surrounded by friend's arms, let herself fall and break outside in the same way she had been breaking inside for days. She let the tears fall, burning her pale cheeks as she tried to repress an irrepressible sob, she let herself lean on Alex, she let herself show all the weakness she had been hiding -hiding from Sofia, hiding from Callie, hiding from her friends.
Running his hand on Arizona's back in order to calm her, Karev continued to say comforting words and reassure her. He knew his friend was about to break down. Alex knew the blonde doctor better than she thought he did, and he was forever grateful for her existence, for her appearance in the hospital during his residency, for her help when it came to his journey in pediatric surgery.
Ever since the plane crash Alex had felt personally responsible for her, he had helped her when she came back to work, he had watched over her when everyone else seemed to judge her for her cheating act, he had taken care from afar when she went back to Callie, he had welcomed her in his own house when they got a divorce.
This time it wasn't any different. Alex knew better than picking sides in the custody battle, for he did not want to lose any one of his friends, but he knew how Arizona felt about it. He knew she was breaking for Callie as much as she was breaking for her own self. He knew she felt guilty, dirty and lost. He knew she was fighting an internal battle against herself, for she simply couldn't hate the other woman involved, even if every raging cell in her body told her to.
It was only after a few minutes that Arizona begun to calm down, taking deep breaths and letting go of the tight embrace she had been leaning onto.
It wasn't until they heard the door opening that they realized they were being watched. Standing in front of them the woman who had caused the mental breakdown Alex had just seen, Callie was speechless, watching the scene with a guilty and confused expression.
There was nothing about that scene that made sense to the brunette. She knew Arizona had been avoiding her, she knew her ex-wife hadn't come to gloat, but she couldn't understand why the blonde doctor was breaking down instead of her. Callie had been trying to keep it together for days; she had broken up with Penny, she had begged for her old job back in front of a not so friendly Bailey, she had listened to Meredith and basically everyone else she knew tell her how she should apologize to Arizona for all the things she had pulled against her in court. She was on the verge of breaking and everyone could see it, including Arizona.
The orthopedic surgeon knew she had used dirty methods, she knew she had deeply hurt her ex-wife and she felt constantly guilty for those shameful acts, but dealing with Arizona was simply too much for her in the last couple of days. She didn't think she would be able to stand in front of the blonde woman without crying, without remembering that somehow she had lost all of the happiness in her life to the woman, without thinking that she had ruined everything when trying to make everything right. Callie still couldn't understand how the hell they had ended up there. She could rationally see all of her mistakes, all of the wrong words she had pronounced, all of the moments that had led her right to the point she was; but she couldn't feel right.
Standing in front of Arizona felt like someone had punched her, like some car had run over her, like she had no strength at all. And the fact that the blue eyes standing in the room were filled with tears only made everything worse. Arizona was suffering. She was suffering just as much as her. She was suffering even if she had won. She was suffering because having full physical custody of Sofia meant that Callie lost, and the blonde woman couldn't help but feel like she had lost too.
Acknowledging that Arizona had those feelings made Calliope's heart feel tight in her chest. She had been trying to blame her, to find anything in the fetal surgeon that made her guilty, she had been holding on to the oldest memories of every time her ex-wife had hurt her in order to blame anyone but herself. But seeing the swollen eyes in front of her, seeing the woman she used to love more than anything in the world wipe away her own tears made Callie feel guilty, and filthy.
"Arizona" Callie managed to say the woman's name in a broken voice, almost letting herself burst into tears as well.
The brunette could see how the sound of her own name got to Arizona, how her body got weak and her eyes went back to the ceiling, trying to scare away the tears as she pursed her lips. It was clear that she was hurt, it was more than obvious that she was suffering, and Callie felt an absurd need of taking care of the woman. She needed to apologize, but she didn't even know how to begin. What should she apologize for? The court occasion? The decision of taking Sofia away from her other mother? The fact that she even thought of going with Penny? Should she apologize for giving up on them that day in the therapist's office? She couldn't figure out how far back she had to go to start apologizing.
"Arizona, I" Callie forced herself to proceed, taking a step towards the woman and letting the door close behind her, and watching as the woman in front of her took a step back, almost hiding behind Alex like a defenseless child. The fact that Arizona was scared of being anywhere near her made her deeply sad. "I'm -I'm sorry."
"Callie," Alex stepped in, giving the brunette an apologetic look. "Maybe some other time? I think you two could use a couple more days."
Calliope nodded. She knew better than to force the situation. In a resigned sign, she gave Arizona one last look, bending her head as if she was saying sorry without uttering any words, and then walked out of the room.
Alex turned right back to his friend, making sure the fetal surgeon was fine and giving her a comforting smile.
"You alright?" he asked, his hands once again on her shoulders.
"I'm fine," she declared rapidly, in an almost harsh way as she tried to lie her way out of the situation. She didn't want to talk about it and she knew he would understand. "Can you please just get the other fetal surgeon in that O.R? I need to go home to my girl."
Karev nodded and watched as Arizona left the room in a hurry.