I softly gasped and reached out into the darkness, searching for something or someone. But my fists closed without capturing anything but crisp winter air. I slid back into my bed, under the warmth of my blankets. Every night this happens. And every night he isn't here. I pulled my pillow tight to my chest taking in his scent. I stared at the spot on my bed where his body should be, and dread the slivers of light filtering through my window. Soon I will have to get up and face the world. Act as though none of that happened. Act as though every night I don't dream of capturing him back into my arms and saying the things I knew he needed to hear. Since he left, the only place I see him is in my dreams, but every morning I wake up to the heart-wrenching reality that he is not here.
I pushed him away.
Every night I lay in bed, dreaming of him and craving his touch. I know that it is my fault, my own doing. I know Slytherins are not supposed to give a fuck, but this time I do. He was more than just a fuck, more than just some guy for me to dominate, for me to make beg my name. I groan softly recalling every time he cried out my name in ecstasy. Our first time with me leaning over him, his eyes closed tight, pain written in every crevice of his face. It was that moment when he opened his eyes that I could no longer look away. From that moment on he had me trapped in those deep pools of brown. Every flicker and every grimace was shown there. That night when I let him walk away, there was something was missing.
His loving warmth.
That night I know was entirely my fault, I should have stopped him from walking out that door. Should have screamed and pleaded for forgiveness but I still held the Slytherin ideals. How could anything I do be wrong, after all I was pure-blood. He was just as pure as me, and willing to beg for my love. Theodore expressed emotions, something I had never fully seen before. Evey morning I would wake up to his warm brown eyes looking down at me with so much love. He would whispers the sweetest ideas of romance and running away together.
I can remember that night perfectly.
The vase hit the wall with a loud splitting crack, the pieces of glass skidded across the floor, glimmering in the moonlight. My breath rushed out of my body as the vase barely missed the top of my shoulder. I stared at the man standing by our bed, his face flushed and deep hair askew. He did not have to say a word. We both knew everything he was thinking. How could I do this to him? How when we were so close to leaving together? The words were etched into his eyes: scum, disgusting, liar, cheater.
He was right.
I forced myself to look away from his penetrating gaze down to the shards of shimmering glass. An image flashed into my mind, Theodore's fragile glass heart, me throwing it hard into the wall and letting it crack and break. Laughing as it fell into pieces at the bottom of the wall. I closed my eyes to stop the tightness growing in my chest. I opened my mouth trying to make any sound come out, trying to tell him it was a mistake and I actually stopped him. That every time that man had touched me, I wanted it to be him. Though I desperately wanted to scream these things, no sound came out. He stared at me for awhile, no emotion in his eyes but tears slowly sliding down each cheek. I tried to breathe but it was as if the air was sucked from the room, like the love from his eyes. He whispered my name and it echoed through the still, I am not sure what else he said. I just stayed in the same place as he packed slowly and left.
All I did was watch.
As he walked down the hallway I watched and prayed for him to stop, slow down even. If all he did was slow down and glance behind, that would be enough for me. I would chase him to the ends of the earth until the day he said, Draco no more. There is nothing between us. But he didn't slow down, not even a tiny bit to leave hope. He just turned the corner without the slightest sign of missing what he was leaving behind.
I need to get a hold of myself.
I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with icy air. He is gone now, no looking back. He doesn't regret it so I need to move on. I sigh again letting the air rush out of me in one motion. If only it could be that easy. I slowly push myself back out of bed, letting the silky blue sheets slide off. Blue had been his favorite color. I wonder if it still is. My feet hit the floor with a soft thud that reverberated through out the empty room. Without him in it, this home we made together is nothing. I slowly drag myself across the dark room to the window. I pushed apart the heavy cloth curtains and gazed out into the morning light.
The sun is already up; how fast time flies.
It still amazes me how fast my life has changed and, yet, the world around me has changed so little. The view from my window is still the same, yet everything appears to be so different. The frost still covers my window, letting shimmers of the world through. The trees are still bare, having lost all their life to the cold winter months. Yet none of this is ever the same when I look at it now. I thought I saw a shadow move on the ground but when I looked it was gone. I rested my forehead against the glass letting the cold sink into my skin. Now I am delusional. If only I saw delusions of him.
The door creaked, I swear to God.
I jerked my head to the side and stared at the open doorway. My breath hitched in my throat and I felt as though the floor beneath me had evaporated. I took a nervous step forward; I could still feel the cold floor and hear the soft hum of the heater. My bed was still unmade, my books thrown around. It was all still the same, except that doorway. But it couldn't be him, I am seeing delusions.
Theodore.
I whispered it across the open room, hoping with every minute fiber that it could be him. That the man I treasure could really be in my door. I sped up my pace, until I reached the door way and looked straight into the hallway. My heart dropped and my breath blew out of me. I crashed to the ground my body shaking; I tried grasping the wall, trying to grasp reality. Though nothing worked. It was all shattering around me. I dug my nails into the wall and let out a muted scream.
I can't survive like this.
I forced myself to stand, my feet felt like led. I drug myself to the bathroom and looked in the mirror gasping. The face looking back at me was not the one I had known weeks ago. It was hallow, my cheeks were sunken in, black circles around my eyes. I kept trying to breathe, taking shaky gasping breaths. The room started to spin around me, my bathroom walls whirled around as I fell back down. I could hear the crack of the tiles on my head, a bright light flashing before my eyes.
Goodbye Theodore.