Before

She was trying very hard not to notice the passing of time, which of course meant that she could think of nothing else. Oliver had made his grand departure three days ago. Two days. That's about how long it would take him to get to the League's neutral territory and back, allowing time for the fighting and giving a little extra for travel if he was injured. She was trying to figure out how long it would actually take Oliver to kill Ra's. She was trying not to picture them actually fighting, which should have been easy considering she had never met Ra's Al Ghul before but… alas. There she was, forming mental images and trying to block the worst-case scenario from her mind. She was failing. How long was the longest recorded fight? How long would Oliver last against the Demon, the leader of the League of Assassins? She felt nauseous.

When she looks back on that moment, which she does very rarely, she can see everything in detail. The exact pose she was holding, the angle she was staring out the window in her office. His office. It was a bright day, clear. She couldn't see the sun due to the other skyscrapers in Starling City, but she didn't need the fluorescents in her office. She wondered what the weather was like at the neutral territory. She was startled from her morbid fears by Ray's work babble and his footsteps rounding the corner. The sound of his approach filled her with dread, and she was already ducking her head and beginning to furiously pound away on her keyboard. She was not really ready to face another vigilante at the moment. However, when she finally peeled her eyes from the pixels of her screen and up towards her doorway she didn't see Ray. Instead, she saw Diggle, frozen in her doorway, and only barely registered Ray's confused look behind him. John's eyes were steady, hard, and hollow. Felicity felt her whole body fill with lead.

After

Felicity slowly stood from her desk, shoulders back, chin up, and walked steadily towards Diggle, ignoring Ray completely. "Is he…?" She couldn't bring herself to finish the question. John shook his head. It looked like it took a great deal of effort on his behalf. Felicity closed her eyes. Later she would claim she already knew, had felt it, but that was a lie. "How?" It was the only question she allowed herself to ask. "Nyssa didn't elaborate." "Have you told the others?" "They were there." She was the last to know. "Laurel?" "Knows… everything." "What about Lance? And Thea?" Felicity didn't know why she kept asking questions. She also couldn't figure out why she wasn't sobbing or thrashing about on the floor. She deserved a breakdown for this. All she knew was that she couldn't breath, and if she stopped and thought about what was really happening she would shatter. She would fall apart in so many tiny pieces, that she would never be put back together again. So she went about making plans and fixing the little things. Her world was caving in all around her, but Felicity stood tall in her heels and managed the details. She made the call to Lance. "Hello Captain, It's Felicity. Smoak. I'm calling to inform you that our mutual friend is gone, and will not be returning. He's dead. However some of his associates will continue to work with the SCPD." She hung up before Lance could say a single word and stared at her phone for a beat before realizing what was happening. The Arrow died. Oliver Queen died. The man in love with her died. The man she is in love with died. He kissed her forehead and told her he would be back.

He broke his promise.

She looked at John, and her voice quavered. "How do I do this without him? He told me he loved me… and now he's dead." Her knees gave out but Ray, who was confused but not currently locked in an emotionally charged moment, caught her and set her gently on her chair as her body was wracked with sobs. "Don't come in to work tomorrow. I mean -you can have as much time as you need. No questions asked." Ray glanced between the pair, as Diggle propped Felicity up and they leaned on each other and managed to walk out the door without a second glance, lost in their shared agony.

2 Weeks Later

"Go home, Felicity." She looked up but didn't move an inch.

"Ray, you need me."

"Not like this."

"Like what? I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"That doesn't change the fact that you need me. The company – your company – needs me."

"I will figure it out. Now go home, Felicity!"

"I need to - "

"Listen, Felicity, I don't know what was going on between us, and, frankly, right now it doesn't matter. You just lost a friend. A friend who loved you, and if I might add, a friend you were in love with. You need to deal with all of that before you can help this company."

He'd been frightened by the look in her eyes. Before, she was filled with light. Her eyes sparked with energy and she glowed with confidences and bubbled with happiness. After, or rather, now, she's hard. Flinty. The light behind her eyes is a raging fire that no amount of water will ever quench. Gone are the vibrant colors. In their place are more subdued blacks, browns, and greys. Her lips are not sporting bright lipstick. But more terrifying than all of that… Felicity Smoak was wearing pants.

…

Standing in his old office was supposed to be her first step. If she could return to work, her life could return to normal. Or at least her day would be normal. Her nights were ruined forever. They weren't normal to begin with and they sure as hell would never be normal again. Not now. Felicity was giving Ray her best glare, but could tell he wasn't budging. He cared for her too much. She didn't know where she could go. Returning to her apartment was not an option. She had only just managed to actually leave, and it was a struggle. She couldn't go back. Going back would mean cleaning up the empty wine bottles and boxes of tissues. It would mean washing some dishes and tossing out the chocolate wrappers. It would mean dealing with the mess her life had become. Maybe she should run to the grocery store. With that in mind Felicity turned and walked out of Palmer Technologies. She kept walking, and decided that maybe a grocery run is out of the question since she took the metro into work and doesn't feel like using public transportation to haul her food home. She'd have to do it eventually though since she can't sit in her mini cooper without having a breakdown.

She found herself in the cemetery without having realized she was going there. Standing in front of Sara's grave she shudders, takes a shaky breath in, and begins to talk.

"I thought it would be harder – being in the foundry or even going to work. But it's not. It's so simple. It's the easiest thing in the world. The places aren't hard because he's not there. My life is hard because he's … gone. But at least being in my office, which is really his old office, and being in the foundry prove that he was here. That he wasn't just a really twisted dream. … The last time I saw him was in the foundry. He told me he loved me. He ranked me the same as his love for Thea, who he just sacrificed his life for. How messed up is that? He would die for me.

I hate him. God, I hate him so much. His last words were 'I love you' as if that could make everything better." At some point she had shed her heels, standing barefoot in the dirt where the grass seed hadn't taken. By this point she was shouting at Sara's grave. "It just made everything worse. Like his love for me could change anything. He's proved over and over that it doesn't. He loved me but he wouldn't do anything about it. Oh, he'll die for me. Great. Wonderful. And where does that leave me, huh? What am I supposed to do with that. Sacrificing yourself for someone like that isn't love. It's cowardice. He couldn't be with me. Couldn't bring himself to actually have a relationship with me. He could sit there and love me all he wanted, but he couldn't handle my feelings for him. He was afraid that I would get hurt, but he was the one causing the most harm. He somehow thought that denying someone of a beautiful loving relationship is more loving and less painful than loving someone but denying a relationship. He was wrong. His fears were more important than my feelings. Selfish bastard!

It feels like he did it for me, but he didn't. I keep forgetting that. He did it for Thea, who doesn't even know. I'm the one who has to live with his decision."

It was the most she'd allowed herself to say aloud since she found out and it was exhausting. She sunk to her knees and shifted to sit near within arm's reach of the tombstone. She grew quieter, more pensive. "You know I never told him how I felt. I would tell him everything about my day, except that. What was the point in loving someone who refused to accept it? That was the weird thing. I trusted him with everything and would have given him my heart, but he didn't trust me with us. He couldn't believe that together we could work through it. He couldn't see how I could possibly love him, and he refused to trust in us. Did to the very end." She took a deep breath in and the silence stretched on and on as she waited for a reply that would never answer her.

Eventually, when her heart rate settled down and her breaths weren't gasps that were rattling around, she continued. "Sorry to come to your grave and unload all of this drama on you. I didn't know who else to tell. Normally I'd just vent to him… but not anymore I guess. He doesn't even have a grave. Diggle is having a hard time, but he has Lyla and little Sara to lean on. I haven't seen much of him since his last patrol. … You know he and Roy took turns swinging by my place to make sure I was still alive. Roy's been out cleaning up the streets. Just like he used to. I guess he's taken up the crusade, can't let his mentor down. I thought the loss would break him, but it's just given him something to fight for.

Merlyn stopped by today. Dropped off a sword crusted with his blood. Told us what we already knew. It was the first time I actually heard it said out loud. He's dead… Merlyn wanted us to finish what he started – kill Ra's al Ghul. We're Oliver's team and we should support him by cleaning up Merlyn's mess, apparently. Roy agreed immediately. I don't know if it's because he promised to protect Thea at all costs or because he wants to avenge Oliver. I don't know if it matters." She had a hard time speaking his name. As if the word were part of the person she knew and speaking it would be to surrender what little of him she had left.

Losing him is the hardest thing she's ever done. Her heart shattered that day, and she's been fragmented ever since. If she thought she could pick up the pieces and carry on with her life she was wrong. It doesn't work because she keeps picking up her phone to text him a lead or about something bugging her and relives all the pain. She goes to pick up her coffee and would remember the times he brought her coffee and the weird names he had the baristas write on her cup and how he knew what kind of coffee she needed better than she did. Even trying to get dressed was painful. She couldn't bring herself to wear anything red or the skirts and dresses she used to flounce around him in. So she shimmied into pants that morning. Dark colors for the darkness that had overcome her.

A splat of rain on her hand made Felicity realize that she was still sprawled out in the dirt of Sara's grave. She glanced up at the dark clouds teeming above her and decided she needed to start moving out or risk being caught in the storm. It was too late. Halfway across the graveyard the skies opened up and Felicity was left slipping and tripping in the pouring rain.

By the time she arrived at Verdant she was a squelching, dripping mess. When she stumbled through the back door she promptly ran into someone.

"Felicity?" Roy gathered her up and herded her to a seat at the bar. "What happened? Are you hurt? Why are you all wet?" Felicity hugged herself and swallowed before she started explaining.

"I tried to go to work but Ray wouldn't let me, so I went to talk to Sara and it started raining. I thought I could do it without him, Roy, but I can't. I can't do it. I've failed him. I'm failing everyone." Her shoulders shook, but there were no tears streaming down her cheeks like he was expecting.

A few minutes later a drink was placed next to her. "Drink. I'm calling Dig." After the hushed sounds of his phone call Roy joined her in sitting at the bar with his own drink. They shared the silence until Diggle showed up about half an hour later. Dig came bursting through the front door searching frantically, almost at the door to the foundry, when his eyes landed on them and his body immediately changed course to join them.

Felicity took in the lines that appeared around John's eyes and the heavy way he slumped onto the barstool. The pain that had been coursing through her veins and acting as a fuel for her anger had aged her friend. Roy, too, had been worn out by the news, mostly from taking up the mantle and acting as if Starling City was now his burden to bear. At least Diggle had Lyla.

This was the first time the team had completely reunited since the news broke. Not that they hadn't been working together since, but that here they all were, physically present in one location. Felicity decided there was no use dancing around the elephant in the room.

"I'm sorry I haven't exactly been on my A-game recently. Despite everything, I owe you guys better. I know I'm not alone, and I'm sorry for acting like I am. If you ever need anything, I'll be there for you. We're family, no matter what." Both men had started to protest at her apology but couldn't deny the hurt they felt when Felicity had hidden away in her apartment and went on lockdown – shutting them out for two weeks with only an occasional text telling them she was still alive.

"Felicity, we understand why you did what you did even if we didn't like it. You should know we're always here for you as well, whether you ask for help or not." Diggle held her gaze while he spoke, and made sure she was listening. She nodded her understanding and mouthed a quiet 'thanks' to him.

"Are you okay, Felicity? You seem … off." Roy had noticed that she stopped shaking as she warmed up and calmed down, but now she was sitting rigidly. She wasn't relaxed, and it seemed like every move she made was a conscious effort on her part.

"I don't know that I will ever be okay, but I am doing what I must to function. I'm doing all that I can to return to some semblance of normality." She dared them to say she wasn't doing enough. They exchanged glances but neither of them commented before the door to the club banged open and Thea stormed in, her heels clacking angrily against the hard dance floor and echoing in the empty club.

"What's going on here" Thea stood with her arms crossed, glaring at Roy.

"It's nothing; we'll be out of here soon."

"You're a terrible liar. Is this about Oliver? I haven't seen him in weeks! What do you know about it – and don't lie! I saw you at Sara's grave." Thea had moved closer towards them while speaking and was looking angrier by the second, her anger directed almost solely at Felicity. Diggle moved to block her, but Felicity spoke up first.

"Why don't you ask your father what happened." Her gaze was cold and hard when it met Thea's. She stood and walked around her towards the back exit. "After all, you're not Malcolm's only secret."

Thea gaped after her for only a moment before whirling around to face the boys with half-formed questions on her lips. In doing so she assumed the door closing was the back exit, failing to notice that Felicity actually escaped down to the arrow cave.

Thea bombarded Diggle and Roy with questions but the most she gleaned from them was a curt "I'd start by asking about Malcolm's relationship to the League of Assassins if I were you," from Diggle. Shortly thereafter Thea hurried out, perhaps in search of her father but none of them really cared. Diggle and Roy rushed down to the arrow cave before she could return.

When they entered they saw Felicity moving the fern to the floor under the salmon bars. The fern had wilted significantly during the time she'd been absent from the foundry, but Roy and Dig had continued to water it nonetheless. After returning to her chair, Felicity never once looked towards the fern and salmon ladder again. They worked together to establish a new normal. In the following weeks they worked together effectively with very few slipups, and if there wasn't as much laughter in the arrow cave, no sarcastic quips or smiles, no one commented on it. It was enough for them to catch the bad guys. If they didn't celebrate their victories, it was because none of them felt like celebrating when they saw the Arrow suit all lit up in its glass coffin.

Felicity was incredibly self-controlled. She came in and did her part for the team. She still wore pants, and she was still a bit robotic in her motions. All hard planes, no softness left in her aside from the occasional flinch when she forgot that it was Roy melding the arrowheads not Oliver, or when the clangs of the sparring reminded her of the bar of the salmon ladder which was now clearly off limits. The shadows under her eyes were permanent, as was the slight frown on her face. The happiness, which previously bubbled out of Felicity, was gone and in its place was something colder, harder. Felicity spent all her time either working at Palmer Technologies or the foundry. Ray's A.T.O.M. suit was making slow progress, but Team Arrow had apprehended more culprits than usual thanks to the time Felicity spent at her computers. Lance had swung by her apartment a few times, checking in on her and always seemed a bit displeased with what he found though he remained stoically sympathetic.

After providing Merlyn with the coordinates of the neutral location where Oliver was slaughtered, they never heard from him again, and he went missing, though not before Thea could speak to him. She was more upset than ever, and there were a couple nights when she cleaned up the streets before Dig or Roy could get there, though she never confronted the team again.

It had been a few months since Oliver had sacrificed himself, and Felicity was as closed off as ever. In the aftermath she constructed impenetrable walls around her heart, in an attempt to guard her from the men who always seemed to walk out of her life. Dig and Roy were concerned when Felicity persisted in only speaking about their missions and refused to talk about anything personal. They didn't know about her weekly visits to Sara's grave.

After exactly two months working without the Arrow proper, Felicity still had a hard time sleeping and on one particularly rough night she gave up and drove to the foundry and realized that it was officially the first day of the third month without him. As she walked down the stairs and turned on the lights she froze.

He was there.

Oliver Queen was standing there in the middle of the Arrow cave after being dead for two months.

Neither of them moved, each soaking in the other. Oliver's eyes traced the figure of the woman he loved but he made no move to go towards her. He took in her messy hair, the bags under her eyes, her pants, and the hardness she wore like a shield. He saw the walls she built up and faltered. Felicity stared for a moment, enraptured by his presence there and then decided it wasn't possible. She figured she was hallucinating him. After all, her Oliver wouldn't come back from the dead looking so well rested. So she turned away from him without a word and sat down at her computers. They spent the night together in silence, Felicity working and Oliver wondering. She would occasionally pause and glance at him, their eyes meeting, but she always reprimanded herself for giving in to her delusions.

At daybreak Oliver gave up on watching Felicity and began pacing. Felicity was becoming anxious by the agitation of her delusion. Her head snapped up when he froze and followed his eyes to the fern resting beneath the salmon ladder. He faltered and then moved quickly to place the fern on the table next to her computers. Could delusions physically move things?

They both started when the door opened and footsteps echoed down.

"Felicity? Felicity, are you okay, you weren't home when I tried to check in – " John's questions came to a halt as he saw what was going on. "Oliver?" he whispered, hardly daring to believe.

Felicity started. No. This wasn't happening. She had refused to believe it but John couldn't be having the exact same delusion…

"You're real. It's not just me. You're actually, really, truly here. You're alive." Felicity stared and began to hope. She slumped back in her chair and began sobbing while Oliver stood and gave John a hug, muttering something in his ear. When they parted the men exchanged a look and John responded under his breath to the questioned. Diggle held out his phone to Oliver who immediately took it and stepped away until Felicity let out a strangled plea. Glancing back at her over his shoulder, Oliver paused, remaining in her sight, while John went to console her as Oliver dialed Roy's number.

John crouched down next to Felicity and told her to breathe, coaching her back to a calmer state though the tears that she had held back for two whole months kept streaming. She was wiping viciously at her cheeks when Oliver left a message for Roy telling him to get to the foundry ASAP. Upon hearing his voice clearly for the first time, she stood up on shaky legs and ran to the bathroom, locking herself in.

She heard the muffled sounds of Dig stopping Oliver from following her and heard him say "It's good to see you, brother" before the crying overtook her and blocked everything else out.

Felicity knew when Roy arrived by the exclamations and banging around she heard through the door. She could also tell when they started talking about her by the abrupt decrease in volume. Eventually she heard Dig and Roy leave and Oliver sit down on the other side of the door, waiting for her.

"Felicity, I'm sorry," he breathed through the door, and she almost broke down again. She was angry at him, angry at the world, but mostly angry at herself. She felt like a jerk for not welcoming him back like the others had after whatever ordeal he just survived. However, she couldn't bring herself to smile and hug him when everything was still so wrong between them.

"Roy and Diggle have gone out to get brunch, well, coffee and some sort of food at any rate. … I'm not going anywhere." He sounded determined and perhaps a bit hurt by her reaction. She cracked open the door, loathe to deny herself the comfort of his presence anymore.

"You died." Her words slammed into him, and he nodded.

"I died but I'm back. I promised." The reminder of his promise cut through the walls she had built up and she found herself flying into his arms. There would be time for explanations and answers later. There would be time to talk things out and reevaluate relationships and figure out where she stood later. They would have more time.

For now, Felicity focused on the very real feeling of Oliver's body wrapped around her, and the feeling of his lips brushing kisses through her hair. They would survive this together. She smiled for the first time in two months.