Kei sat in silence, her eyes focused on the package sitting on her bedroom table like knives. Refusing, unable to avert her gaze to anywhere else. Anxiety filling her blood like poison, her heart racing like a drum within her chest. She felt as though if it went any faster, her ribcage may shatter with the force, though that was impossible. Her head was fuzzy, white noise echoing around the room, blocking out the world around her. Sweat dripping like rainwater down a windowpane, running across her back and temple. She felt sick with hunger, her mouth dripping with saliva the longer she denied herself of sustenance. She didn't know how long she had been sat here, how much time had passed since Yoshimura delivered it to her.
He had been so patient and kind with her, she didn't know why he kept tolerating her crap. While Touya called her out on it, he defended her actions and scolded Touya's brash words. He helped her adapt to her new job at Anteiku, had a mask made for her and even understanding when she had to skip work. He never judged her but did warn her of how her actions would affect others. Knowing how scared and confused she was, of what she had experienced before her change.
She needed to eat, there was no way around this. She would only go insane again if she didn't consume it soon. Hunger was hell for a ghoul, after all, she knew this feeling all too well. But she couldn't forget a vital fact that kept haunting her, lingering at the back of her mind. She was once a human too, now a half breed who lived in-between the species. She felt awful upon the realization that she was about to consume her previous kind. How she once nearly ate her best friend after their fight with Nishiki, losing herself to her instincts. How she lost restraint when she neglected her hunger, of what she was capable of in that state.
If she ever got caught by doves she would only prove their point that Ghouls were monsters. She would endanger her friends and cause problems for them, ruining their peaceful existence. It would be all her fault, a scenario like that happening was not something she could ever see herself being able to live with. What she didn't understand was how doves failed to see their hypocritical nature, there were good ghouls and bad ghouls, the same way there was good and bad in humans too.
All predators ate other animals in some way, Lions ate zebras and such when hunting. Humans ate other animals to survive, sharks ate other marine animals and fish. It was all part of the food chain, how each species survived on a certain diet to stay alive. She was no different from them, she would starve otherwise unless she gave in to her urges. If she kept denying herself of nutrition, Touya would undoubtedly repeat the process of when they first met. He would force her to eat human meat as to not cause a scene again. Realizing how much of a brat she had been, having a tantrum over not wanting to eat.
She swallowed, trying to mentally prepare herself for what was to come. It would make the process easier, she would be making good process. "Just imagine it's a cake or a big boy. Just like the ones you and Hide used to eat together" she reminded herself. He favourite foods she used to enjoy before the life she now knew. If she closed her eyes it would be like old times, she could distract herself from the taste. Making her believe she was doing anything else, like how people always did in uncomfortable or awkward situations.
Kei slowly got off the bed and sat by her table, approaching the package as if it would explode. Reaching out her trembling hands to cautiously unwrap the brown paper that kept it fresh. Producing the meat, the heavenly aroma causing her stomach to growl loudly in response. Urging her to eat. "Pretend it's steak, just pretend it's not human," she told herself repeatedly like a mantra. Forcing herself to eat it would make it easier. Getting used to the fact these meals would be her diet from now on. To transcend to her new life fully instead of denying her true self. She picked up the flesh from the table, raising it to her mouth to take a cautious bite. Wrapping it in the brown paper, imitating a burger in hopes of making it easier.
Kei closed her eyes as the taste hit her tongue, it was so good and her stomach danced at the flavour. No wonder Rize went insane, becoming a binge eater. The taste of flesh to ghouls was so sweet and tender, addictive almost, why Tsukiyama only wanted the best quality. She remembered how alluring the scent of a human was the first night she had met Touya, like a bee to nectar. Following her instincts in an almost hypnotic trance, until the reality hit her. Tears stung her eyes, welling up fast but she held them back painfully. This should have been so wrong, but it tasted so good. She couldn't stop wanting to eat it, the impact of her lack of humanity felt like a slap to the face. After swallowing, she took another bite wanting it to be over soon.
Kei sat hunched over the table crying, her face wet from tears, not caring about the mess in front of her. She finally finished it, she had finally eaten it all despite how disgusted she felt with herself. Imagining it was anything but what she knew it to be, it had helped ease her guilt. She was still adapting to the fact this was her food. Ghouls like Touya, Nishio and Yoshimura were used to this. It had been their whole life after all, from the day they were born they could not enjoy human food. Killing and eating humans was so natural to them, being able to consume it without a second thought. She probably looked like a fool for whining so much.
She needed to grow up, to accept that this was her life now. She could never go back to who she used to be. But the guilt kept sneaking into her conscience, gnawing away at her. She knew the person she ate had committed suicide, so chose to end their life. But she still felt ashamed at eating their remains. She wondered if this would ever become something she could get used to. Being able to look at people as nothing more than food, turning her back on her moral compass.
Suddenly, the silence was broken with a knocking at the door. Making Kei jump, having been so used to her own thoughts that being snapped from them scared her. She sat up quickly, tidying her hair and trying to ask herself look presentable. Wiping her eyes of any remaining tears and blood from her mouth. She opened the door to see Touya standing outside. His long black bangs framing his eye, his blue eyes piercing through her. Upon seeing her timid and flustered appearance, he became visibly concerned. Though she was a genuinely passive person, she looked very upset. "You ok?" he asked.
She usually kept to herself, avoiding confrontations but never being able to ignore those in need. She had a good heart but could be naive, which is why she was so easily manipulated. But now she was visibly upset, trying to hide herself away and prevent others from seeing her in such a state. Trouble seemed to follow her like a dark cloud, wondering if this had been a normal thing in her previous life. A sense of sympathy washing over him for her misfortune.
Kei shifted, gripping her hands into balled fists. Her timid appearance now changing to nervousness. Bowing her head in shame, like a child who had been caught in the act misbehaving "Gomen, I know it's childish. But I guess I'm still getting used to my new diet" she stammered gingerly forcing herself to smile. Not wanting to burden him with her problems. This probably sounded stupid to him and he was tired of hearing her complain, starting to sound like a broken record at this point.
Touya peered at her bedroom table, out of the corner of his eye. Seeing the flesh Yoshimura had given her was gone. She must have eaten it, but knowing her personality she would have never done it willingly. Until now she had made such a fuss, having gone into crazed hunger mode twice now. No wonder she was so upset, she was still trying to cling to her old life like sand falling through her fingers. "You wanna talk about it?" he offered softly. He could see she was upset, a vulnerable side of herself she rarely showed anyone.
Kei became visibly surprised by this gesture, given he was often abrupt or snappy with her. Not used to seeing this sweeter side of him. However, she opened the door and let him into her room. Wondering if she should make some coffee. "Sure" she mumbled quietly. Fingering the ends of her hair timidly for comfort, aside from her date with Rize she had never really been alone with a boy. Hoping she didn't mess up somehow and make a bigger fool out of herself.
"I know if I don't eat I'll starve, besides you and Yoshimura have saved me twice now. So I decided to try and picture something else to make the process easier" she confessed. She knew how stupid this sounded, using figments of her imagination to eat. Like a child who doesn't want to eat their vegetables. But speaking about her mental pressures did take a weight off of her chest, not having to keep all these feelings to herself. All he had done since she allowed him inside her room was sit in silence and listen patiently, something she appreciated.
Touya is stunned, the mental image was depressing to think about. To force herself to eat to seem less of what she believed to be a burden, trying to picture the food she used to enjoy. Remembering when they met that he shoved meat into her mouth forcefully. Feeling bad at how he previously treated her. Thinking of her forcing herself to eat, explaining her appearance. The red eyes, her confusion, her messy attire, as she must have been crying as she consumed the contents of the package.
Self hatred, confusion, moral conflict, satisfaction, just a few emotions that would be growing inside of her. Ghoul society or social norms were very different to what she was used to as a human. Not all ghouls were as kind as them, not hunting humans and eating the dead. Others hunting down humans for fun and enjoying the fear in their face, or the gourmet's who could be rather creepy about their meals. Anyone would have a dilemma having to figure out where you stood amongst the groups.
He then reached out and placed his hand atop her head affectionately. Ruffling her black hair in an affectionate and comforting manner. "You aren't like us, you're a half breed. You lived a different life before now. Everything is bound to feel strange to you now. Eating flesh, eating your old species, it must be rough" he mused somberly. She had lived a happy life, her whole future ahead of her. A college student who loved books and studying in literature. She had a best friend, longed for love and had a home. Then a date went wrong, nearly becoming ghoul chow, being hospitalized, now found herself in an upside-down world. Who wouldn't be scared and confused after experiencing such things?
From looking at humans as a race and now as a meal, losing her taste for the things she loved and instead becoming repulsive. Having to lie to others, to her loved ones and friends, keeping secrets from them to protect themselves and others. Living a double life was something he knew all too well. Now it was a burden she had to endure too, but she was handling it worse than he was. Her overthinking and self consciousness often getting the better of her.
Kei was touched by this gesture, but more so perplexed by this new side to Touya. She never expected someone so rough and sharp-tongued to show such a tender face. But it was a pleasant feeling, something she hadn't felt in a long time. Really helping the conflict of emotions inside of her. However, the possibility of him telling anyone of this moment was minimal. He would deny it if the matter was even brought up in conversation. Though he had a big heart, he didn't like to admit he was a gentle person. Being an awkward guy at times. "Arigato Touya, it means a lot" she mumbled gratefully. His words had helped her more than he knew, easing her worries and giving her the boost and confidence she never knew she needed.
She wondered if she should go to Touya for more advice when she had problems with something. Though he had a life and his own issues to deal with, he had to balance her stresses on top of his. Acting like her babysitter sometimes which she felt bad for. If she gained more responsibility she could take a weight off his shoulders, showing that she was learning and becoming stronger. Though it was strange, she wanted Touya to be proud of her, to acknowledge her personal growth.
Touya's cheeks flushed with an embarrassed blush, he didn't know if Kei was even aware of how cute she was. If they ever saw her appearance like this, Nishiki and Tsukiyama would eat her up in a second. Meaning he would have to keep a closer eye on her. He sighed heavily under his breath, what was he going to do with her? "I'll go make some coffee. It'll help wash it down" he mumbled in a kind tone. He slowly got to his feet and began to pace towards the kitchen. Some beverages would help ease the tension.
It would get easier for her over time, consuming human flesh. Given it was all he had known, he would be more casual about it. Compared to an outsider who was new to all of this. But he was proud of how far she had come since then. Until now, she had cried, whined and refused to eat unless he made her. But she had actually forced herself to eat, repressing her doubts and accepting her new diet. Though she had to imagine her old life for a depressing nostalgia, she had managed to consume flesh. Making him feel like an ass for giving her such a hard time until now. Never really taking her feelings or mental health into consideration, of what she was going through. But he would be kinder to her from now on, though making her smile again was more important at the minute.