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There are moments in our lives that makes and sets the course of who we're going to be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.
I love the rain. Strange isn't it? I always feel my best when it's raining outside. The raindrops pouring down the windowpane. Each drop melting with an other. Do you want to know the saddest quote created by the funniest man in the world? "I love walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying." Funny isn't it? Everyone wants happiness. No one wants pain. But we all know you can't have a rainbow without a little rain. So instead of sitting there and just getting wet. Feel the rain. Dance in it. Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain. Maybe raindrops are the bravest things created by God because they are never afraid of falling. The rain makes everything seem beautiful. It makes it seem like I'm not the only one feeling pain. Rain falls because the clouds can no longer handle the weight. Tears fall because the heart can't handle the pain. But it's okay because tears evaporate and will become rain. One of the worlds most painful yet beautiful cycles.
I watch as the scenery seems to melt with each other as the car speeds up. Raindrops glittering in the sun light. Gray dreary clouds quickly covering it. I admire the twist and blur of colours as we drive by. I admire what could be one of the most obvious yet under appreciated forms of art.
Getting lost in the blur of yellows, reds, blues and greens. It seems so easy...To let go. Let go of the pain, hurt and sadness, and like the rain and blur, just let myself get lost. To stop simply existing and just start living again. I tell myself that's what mom would have wanted, what they all would have wanted. But how can you start living when your mere existence loses its meaning? How can you live when your reasons are gone? How? And why? Why is it so hard? Jacob did it, so why can't I? Why must I hurt? Why must I feel pain while he does not? Why?
Why I can't I be numb like him? That's the thing with pain, it demands to be felt.
I'm in pain ever day. That changed me. It made me a different person, a harder person. And now, I'm alone. And as much as I hate it, it has made me stronger too. After all, pretending to be happy when you're in pain is just an example of how strong you are as a person.
"We're here." Jacob says. He's standing by my open car door. It seems I've let my inner musing distract me again. I paint a smile on my face, as I quickly exist the car. We were indeed here, at our new housing. I refuse to call it home, home is where your heart is and my heart died a long time ago. They took it with them.
This beige two story house is not home, nor will it ever be. Not while they're gone.
"Great. Let's go inside, shall we?" I say, running up to the oak wood door. "I can't wait to unpack and go to school tomorrow."
"Bells...maybe you should wait a bit before -" Jacob starts to say before I immediately cut him off.
I smile brightly at him. "Really Jake? I'm perfectly fine. School will be great." I say, " And stop treating me like I'm made of glass and I'm going to break. I'm not fragile." Aren't you though? I can almost see the words in his eyes. Widening my smile, I run inside to my room, telling Jacob I need to unpack.
Standing in my cream colored room, I place my suitcase by the closet on the right side of the room. My bed, covered with white sheets, is on the left side of the room, just by a window. My attention is immediately drawn to the few raindrops still on the windowpane and my previous thoughts come to mind. I suddenly realize that I am alone in here and that there is no reason to pretend.
When I'm alone, I think. When I think, I remember. When I remember, I feel the pain. When I feel pain, I cry. And when I cry, I can't stop. My greatest fear is this.
I feel like a child again. Please don't leave me alone Jacob. I cry myself to sleep that night.