Author's Note: This fic was written as a gift for the fabulous Jules Hawk. If you're not reading her work, I seriously don't know what you're waiting for. Recently dubbed my Yoda, she has taught me a lot about writing, and I've grown as a writer in the two years I've known her. She has been one of the biggest supporters of The Reason, and everything else I've written, and this is a small way for me to show my appreciation.

While writing, I listened to My Demons by Starset. You can check out the song while you read if that's something you'd like to do.

Jules - I hope it's what you were expecting, and I hope you enjoy it! Thank you for all you've done for me! - TLC

My Demons

The sudden silence of the apartment was striking. Moments ago, riotous laughter had filled the room as Cassandra Shepard's friends joked about the events of the last day. She had to admit, it was laughable – to a certain degree. She ran her hand through her short auburn hair, and scratched the back of her neck lightly as the straight strands fell and brushed her shoulders.

While they were bringing her back, Cerberus had created a clone. Of her. A second Commander Cassandra Shepard. The clone had even attempted to take over her own life; Shepard shuddered at how close she had come. If it hadn't been for her friends, for those who knew and cared for her, she may have succeeded. Shepard glanced towards the windows, where Kaidan stood, and paused, her breath hitching in her throat.

It was a striking image, really. He was silhouetted against the picture window that lit up with the vibrant colors of the strip: reds, oranges, and yellows. His broad shoulders tapered to his narrow waist. His hands were clasped behind his back and she allowed herself a moment to admire the image he created. She could remember, from years ago, what he felt like, the warmth of his skin and the roughness of the hair on his chest, and the stubble on his face and neck. What he looked like, the way his muscles shifted beneath his skin as he moved. It was a long time ago, but not as long for her, and she remembered every detail. She chewed her lip and stepped towards the fridge.

She could only imagine what today had been like for him. When she found out it was Cerberus who had brought her back, she'd feared she wasn't really herself. She hated the knowledge that, at least, parts of her were synthetic. She worried if she was a clone, or some kind of advanced AI. It was something she struggled with, sometimes still.

She worried what Kaidan would think when he saw her again. Then, Horizon happened. She had hoped, hoped more than she could say, that he would be able to accept her. She had wanted for him to look at her, really look at her, and convince her that she was real. He would know. They had loved each other, once. She was sure they had, even though they had never said it. She knew how strongly she felt and she believed he felt the same.

Instead of reassuring her, he spat her own fears back at her. Called her a traitor, and walked away from her. Goddamn it, did she hate him for it. It was a long time before she was able to forgive him. Conversations with Thane and Liara helped. Also, Joker's explanation of how hard it had been for Kaidan after she died. He had loved her, and she understood that he'd been protecting himself. She couldn't really blame him for that, though it still hurt.

She sighed. Somehow, since the Reapers arrived and they left Earth, Kaidan's injury on Mars, the Cerberus coup attempt, and Kaidan rejoining the crew, they had somehow managed to move passed what had happened. She still wasn't sure how, though, she couldn't have been happier. She loved him, of course she did, and when Kaidan confessed he felt the same, there was a completeness she had been missing since her return. They fell into an easy routine, living their lives together as they fought the war.

Today, though, today seemed to push them back months. She couldn't help but feel like Kaidan was holding back when he looked at her. Questioning, not only her, but his own feelings. She chewed her lip as she walked over to him, two bottles of beer in her hands. She stepped up next to him, and he didn't acknowledge her presence. She cleared her throat softly and he looked down at her, an embarrassed blush rising from his collar at his preoccupation. He offered her a timid smile and accepted one of the bottles. She took a long pull before she spoke. "Hell of a day."

He snorted, "Yeah." There was a thick tension between them and she hated it. She sighed, and he glanced at her before turning from the window. He fell onto the couch, and she moved to sit next to him. She could feel his eyes on her. She sat next to him, crossed legged and turned towards him. She picked at the label on the bottle. They should be passed this awkwardness. They had reconciled. There should be no reason for either of them to be holding back, and yet, here they were, both unafraid to speak.

"A credit for your thoughts?" she whispered, and her voice was heavy. She felt him look at her as she lifted the bottle to her lips for another long drink. She had a feeling she would need it.

"I could ask you the same thing," he admitted. She hated how soft his voice was when he spoke. He remained silent for another minute before he continued, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. "I was thinking about all the shit I took after Horizon. From you. From Garrus, Joker, Liara, and Tali. For not believing it was you. For thinking you could be a Cerberus puppet, or a clone. They said I was ridiculous for even thinking it."

"I never thought you were," she interrupted him, and the words caught in his throat and his brow creased at her. She took another long swallow from the bottle. "Sure, I was frustrated you wouldn't hear me out on Horizon, but what I wanted from that first meeting with you was acceptance, understanding, and love. I woke up on that Cerberus station fearing the same things. Wondering if I was really me. I had hoped, when I saw you, that you would look at me and know that it was me. That you would be able to convince me that I was me. You didn't."

"I couldn't."

"I know."

"What was it like today? Looking into your own face like that?" He knew the question was insensitive, but he knew how unsettling it was for him. To see another Shepard. The same but not the same. Could he really be sure she was the real Shepard? Would the clone have fooled him?

"Terrifying. What if they had succeeded? What if they had managed to take over my life? I claimed that my crew, my friends would have known it wasn't me, but would they? Would you?" She voiced his own question and it startled him. He looked at her, her lip pinched between her teeth, her eyes unsure, yet hopeful, as they stared at him.

He turned towards her on the couch, and thought back on the events of the day. The way they fought together, side by side, his biotics and tech working with her tech and rifle. It was a well rehearsed dance, and it was something they had learned years ago, years before the clone existed. They still worked well together because they remembered their steps.

He thought of the end of the fight. In the shuttle bay of the Normandy. The door open, and Shepard and her clone tumbling over each other towards the edge and their deaths. He lost track of which Shepard was the clone. Yet, he knew which one to save. He knew which hand to reach for. How had he known?

He felt the surety of it all settle in his chest and the corner of his lips quirked in a smile. He reached out and cupped her face. Her eyes drifted closed as she leaned into his touch. His thumb traced her cheek, and he whispered, "Of course I would know. I knew today, didn't I?"

"How?" she asked, she still seemed unsure of him. She reached up and took his hand from her face. She toyed with his hand. Her fingers slipping over the scars on his knuckles and the callouses on his palms. "How did you know which of us to save?"

"You," he paused, reaching out with his free hand and tipping her chin up so she had to look at his face. Her eyes locked on his, and he tried to reassure her. His fingers traced over her jaw, to slip through her hair and urge her closer to him. She slid forward with very little prompting. "She was searching for something to hold on to. She was looking for a way to save herself. You … you were looking for me."

"I knew you'd be there," she whispered, as her eyes filled with tears. She gave him a watery smile.

"I'll always be there," he promised, and a soft sound slipped from her lips as her eyes closed and she reached for him.

The remaining distance between them closed as her arms wound around his neck and he pulled her into his lap. Their lips met, and their kiss deepened almost instantly as his hands wound in her hair, keeping her close. As her lips moved with his, and her tongue slipped against his, he cursed himself silently. How much time had they missed because he didn't follow her on Horizon? He didn't see her in Vancouver. Mars would have been much different if he had. Months? A year? So much time wasted.

He wouldn't waste another moment. He shifted, his lips moving from hers and trailing a warm path down the column of her throat as her head fell back. She whimpered and her hips rolled against his. They hadn't made love since they'd reconciled. Sure they could have had a quickie in her cabin between missions, but that wasn't what either of them wanted. They wanted to take their time, to relearn their bodies, and bring each other the pleasure they desired. It was an unspoken agreement.

Now, tonight, they had time. Uninterrupted time. Kaidan pulled his head away from her neck and the open buttons at the top if her blouse. "Kaidan," she whimpered his name. "Take me upstairs. Make love to me." He kissed her quickly, soundly, before standing, and lifting her. She wrapped her legs around his waist and held his shoulders. Her eyes remained on his as he carried her, his strong, warm hands supporting her thighs. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his neck. Her teeth and tongue teasing the flesh over his pulse point, and he groaned lightly. She chuckled warmly when he stumbled on a stair, cursing quietly.

He reached her bedroom, with no further misstep, and set her down next to the bed. He didn't release her. He couldn't, he didn't want to. They made quick work of their clothes, their haste to be skin to skin removing any hesitation. Once they were bare, he stepped forward and the back of her legs hit the bed. She sat, and smiled up at him. He stepped between her legs, then knelt in front of her. His hands slid up her thighs. She ran her hands through his hair, and brought his mouth to hers. He groaned as her teeth caught his bottom lip. He pulled her hips closer to the end of the bed.

He moved his lips from hers, trailing down her neck. He loved the sounds she made. The way she sighed in content, and moaned with lust. She keened with need when his mouth found the supple curve of her breast. His tongue teasing the pebbled tip. Her hands were still in his hair, holding him close to her as his hands and nails trailed over her thighs and dropping to her calves. He continued his travels down her front, dropping his head and lifting her legs over his shoulders.

She chewed her lip as his mouth met her core. She fell back onto the bed with a low, keening moan as her heels dug into his back and her hands searched for purchase. Finding none in the heavy duvet, she reached up and gripped the headboard. Her back bowed and her hips rolled against him. He chuckled as his fingers joined his lips and tongue. She was cursing with her need, and begging for release. He hooked his fingers inside her and it took no more for her to plummet over the edge, his name a plea on her lips. He moved quickly up her body, his lips meeting hers as he covered her mouth with his.

He rested between her legs, and she welcomed the familiar weight as she struggled to catch her breath. She clung to him, her short, practical nails leaving red trails and half moons in his back. He broke the kiss and she reached down between them, positioning him at her entrance. She met his eyes, and he kissed her softly. He took just a moment to look at her. Desire, heat, love, and need warred in her dark chocolate eyes. "Kaidan," she moaned. "Please."

With one sure thrust, he filled her and she gasped, her body arching against his. Her eyes filled with tears, and he stalled, afraid for a moment he'd hurt her. "Are you …?"

"Oh God, yes," she whined. He would never deny her. He moved, his hips rocking with hers as she met him thrust for thrust. Their moans mingled as they clung to each other. He kissed her; then dragged his lips from her mouth to her neck. He bit, gently, over her pulse point before his tongue lapped at the insult. With a second thought, he realized he'd marked her, and he knew he would love to see the mark the next day, and for the days that followed.

She chanted his name, a prayer on her lips as he moved quicker, sharper. His movements losing their grace as he neared his peak, "Cassie, I'm not … I'm close." He dropped his head, his forehead pressed against her collar bone.

"Oh, Kaidan, please, don't stop," she panted, her body aching for another release. He strained, holding out for her. One of his hands moved between them and found the sweet bundle of nerves where their bodies met. His fingers teased it as he adjusted his angle and stroked her deeper. She called out his name, loud and without care for her neighbors, as she came. Her body clenching around him.

He cursed, and spilled himself inside her as he followed her over. His biotics roared to life, racing over his body and pushing her from one climax into the next. She called out, and he grinned as he kissed her neck, easing her down. They held each other, their lips meeting in a deep, slow, thorough kiss. Her legs still locked around him, and his softening erection still buried inside her. Their kiss broke and he moved to pull away, but she held him close. "No, please, just … stay here." He nodded, pressing his forehead to hers. She kissed him quickly, and he dropped his head to rest on her chest. Her hands ran through his damp curls; her nails scraping along his scalp as their bodies calmed. "I love you, Kaidan Alenko."

He pulled back and looked into her eyes, she loved that they still flashed blue from his power. "I love you, Cassandra Shepard, more than you could ever know."