My Sweetheart Gives Me Bruises
Her date hadn't been bad. He made stupid jokes, yeah, but it was nice to wail at waitresses with someone your own age for once—and what's more, it was a free meal. Things were going swimmingly until he started leaning in. Then the sirens went off.
No, really, they did.
"Hello," Okita said, and rapped the younger teen's head with the hilt of his mp3 sword. "Uh, yeah, you. Thing. Congratulations! I just saved your life." He gave Kagura a look. "Hey, you, I thought I told you not to go around kissing boys. It's illegal."
"I'LL—" Kagura lunged at him, not entirely sure what was about to happen, but certain it would be both very violent and very satisfying. Okita dodged in a maddeningly nonchalant fashion. Kagura's date was watching the two of them with something like horror.
"I. Um. Are you two—?"
"I hate you. Every single time!" Kagura wailed, fisting the air, "For two years!"
"She's an alien," Okita was still speaking through his megaphone. The entire restaurant and probably most of the western district could hear the entire conversation. Gin-chan and Shinpachi were probably back at home, laughing their asses off. Kagura sulked. Okita continued, "So, no kissing. Because…of…"
He looked around for inspiration, eyes settling on a rotund, middle aged woman. "Diseases." He finished. The woman lurched to her feet.
"Excuse me?!"
"As I was saying, interplanetary diseases." Okita clapped the young man on the back. "Bad luck, you damn shit-head. Die."
"THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR." Kagura roared, and made a great deal out of mashing the remainder of her ice cream into Okita's hair. He didn't seem to notice. Her date was looking decidedly confused.
"Did you just call me a—"
"Oh, he's resisting a police officer!" Okita gasped with mock horror. The audience members all collectively spluttered. "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to take him in by force—"
"—SCUM OF THE EARTH—" Kagura was still continuing. Okita regarded her serenely for a moment. A little bit of chocolate sauce ran down his nose and over his chin.
"Right, I've decided, I'm taking this one into custody instead!" he said brightly, and shoved the young man away and into a wall. "Lucky for you. Commit suicide at your first opportunity, you disgusting womanizer." He turned back to Kagura. "You, in the squad car."
"EAT ME." she kicked him in the knee.
"Oh no, my poor heart has been shattered. Ah, mother, what should I do?" Okita sighed, and dragged the still loudly bleating girl behind him. As he approached the squad car, the passenger window rolled down and Hijikata stuck his head out.
"Oi. Sougo. I think I might have to arrest you for this."
"My, you joker," Okita cackled, polishing his bazooka, "Insubordination within the force—"
"I'm your superior! How is this insubordination?!"
"Tch, see you in hell—"
"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE THIS UP TO ME, HUH? DAMN IT, THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK—"