The Formula: A blow-by-blow account of how things are broken down on Criminal Minds.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything/anyone, etc.
Disclaimer 2: This is all written in good fun. I love Criminal Minds. I just think it's funny how the episodes all basically seem to follow the same general outline. Sometimes the show deviates, which is awesome. There is no problem with the current formula, either - if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but that was not my intent.
1.) Open with ominous-sounding music. Either something is about to happen to a completely unsuspecting party, or someone is already being tortured/murdered/etc.
2a.) The BAU gets a call from the police chief of the town/city in which the crime has occurred. JJ brifes the team on what's happened. Reid spouts information and statistics. Morgan speculates on technique and possible motive. Emily asks some questions. Rossi says some stuff. Hotch's facial expression remains the same throughout.
2b.) It's not lupus.
3.) The team flies/drives to their location. We hear a voice-over of a famous quote that in some way encapsulates the theme of the episode.
4.) The local police brief the BAU on information and protocol. Some stay behind to set up; others go to the most recent crime scene. JJ talks to the media.
5.) The team starts looking for more information, attempting to get into the unsub's head. They come up with something unique and interesting and call Garcia. She and Morgan exchange inappropriate, flirtatious banter that makes everyone happy. She presses some buttons and finds a shit ton of information because she's magical.
6.) The unsub commits another crime.
(*Note: 5 and 6 are usually interchangeable.*)
7.) Hotch says, in some context, "Tell them we're ready to give a profile." His facial expression remains the same throughout.
8.) The team gives a profile. Morgan, Reid, Emily, Hotch, and Rossi all get to say things. How very diplomatic of them. JJ gets to fend off reporters trying to leech onto a story.
9.) The unsub does something else.
10.) Garcia or Reid find a break because they are magical.
11.) The team dons their kevlar, jumps into cars, and turns their sirens on. They corner the unsub, who is either alone or just about to commit another senseless act of murder. If the victim being rescued is female, she starts to cry and Emily comforts her, because that's what women are good for.
12.) We see a shot of the unsub, either dead at the hands of law enforcement or in an interrogation room.
13.) Someone on the BAU team doubts him or herself/the job/the world/the universe. Someone wise gives them cryptic advice.
14.) The team flies/drives home. We hear a voice-over of another famous quote that encapsulates the episode again.
15.) The scene either fades out, or we briefly see the team again, either on the plane/in the car/back at their headquarters. They say and do some stuff.
16.) Hotch's facial expression remains the same throughout.