Bella's Point Of View

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,
That don't bother me.

My body still felt as if it had been trampled on, as if it had been used and thrown away. Even after six months I continued to ache. I ached for everything we had together, I ached for everything I knew I always wanted. I ached for what I had lost, for what had been taken away from me. Now more than ever, I needed what used to be. what could have been... I needed him.

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out.

For forty-eight weeks straight, I had picked myself apart in an effort to find what was wrong with me. My eyes ran over every scar on my skin, every hair that was out of place on my head. Each and every day I spent observing others. Timing their breaths to see if mine were irregular, calculating their walks to see if perhaps mine were out of step. There were a million things I could find wrong with myself, though I never knew which was the reason for him leaving.

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while,
Even though going on with you gone-
Still upsets me.

As much as I wished to continue on like I once was, to continue on like every other human around me, I couldn't. I was secretly glad I was no longer able to feel anything, in fear that if I could, my body would break down from the pain. Even remembering the excruciating feeling caused me to cringe from the inside out. The now vague memory of what I had gone through these past six months was enough to remind myself to continue on like I was. Empty.

There are days every now and again,
Where I pretend I'm okay-
But that's not what gets me...

As I sat in my bedroom, my thoughts wondering all of these questions, searching for answers that not even God could offer, I couldn't help but reflect on the past. I had read countless novels of heart ache. I had seen it portrayed in the movies. I had always known that somewhere in my life I would have that first love that still made my heart ache. Little did I know that my first love, would be my only love. I only wished I had anticipated that. Perhaps then I wouldn't feel like the novels and the movies betrayed me with their definition of an aching heart.

What hurts the most, was being so close.
And having so much to say,
Then watching you walk away.

There were so many things I longed to say to him. So many things I wished I had shouted after him as he walked away from me, and walked out of my life. I wish I had of begged him to stay with me. I wish I had of clung to his body and refused to let him leave me. I wish I had of tried harder to follow him without failing as I had.

And never knowing what could have been.
And not seeing that loving you,
Is what I was trying to do.

I wish, now more than ever, I would have taken the time to show him that I loved him as senselessly and as passionately as I felt I did. I wish I would have worked harder to be the woman that he always pictured himself belonging to. I wish that I could have been the girl of his dreams... but I wasn't. I'm not.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go,
But I'm doing it.

I wasn't doing it. I was unable to do it. I had tried for so long to live without him, but it wasn't working out for me, it was going nowhere. As much as I wanted, as hard as I tried, I would never be alive again. I no longer felt sorry for Charlie who had to deal with my lifeless corpse walking around his house all day. I didn't have the passion in me to care, it had burnt out along with any spark of humanity I thought I once possessed.

It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends,
And I'm alone.

My friends were useless to me now. I no longer needed a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to help me up from the ground I had fallen to. I didn't want to be picked up, I didn't want to stand at all. I wanted to remain on the ground along with the other dead things in the world, where I now belonged.

Still harder;
Getting up, getting dressed,
Living with this regret.

I wanted to be buried alive, to witness my own last breaths knowing that they could have been saved with three single words. Just to hear him tell me he loved me still would be enough to bribe me out of my early grave. To persuade me to dig out from the dirt that covered my coffin.

But I know if I could do it over,
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart,
That I left unspoken.

I love you, Edward. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my short life. I wish I could have showed you that more, I wish I could have been everything that you wanted. I wish I could have given you the same amazing feeling you offered me so easily. I love you...

I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road,
And It's not like her to drive so slow,
Nothing's on the radio.

I had said good-bye to everyone I had once loved, back when I remembered how. Charlie had a beautiful letter waiting for him on his bed, the last piece of beauty I felt I still possessed, I left for him.

Footsteps on the front porch,
I hear my door bell.
She usually comes right in,
Now I can tell...

I wasn't sure what the correct label on the bottle of pills read before I had taken them only a short while ago. I wasn't sure how many were in the bottle either. I measured them in my palm, felt their small weight in my hand before swallowing them few by few, followed by countless sips of water to keep them down long enough for them to save me.

Here comes good-bye,
Here comes the last time.
Here comes the start of every sleepless night,
The first of every tear I'm going to cry.

I was amazed it took so long for something so fatal to work. The novels continued to break my trust in them. It was too bad I no longer had the time to share that dislike with anyone. To perhaps save them from trusting the written works.

Here comes the pain,
Here comes me wishing things had never changed,
And she was right here in my arms tonight.
Here comes good-bye.

I had flopped back on my bed slowly, staring blankly up at the white ceiling. My skin felt cold, as cold as I had felt inside all of these months. It was fitting to me. My vision was becoming blurred, as it was the night he left me. Tears had filled my eyes back then, now... Now, I had no more tears left to cry.

I can hear her say "I love you" like it was yesterday.
And I can see it written on her face,
That she had never felt this way.

I could no longer bother to force my eyes open. There was nothing beautiful about the white ceiling I continued to stare at. Perhaps my mind contained something a little more appealing. with my eyes closed, I could picture everything my life could have been with him in it. I could picture happiness, as my last breath faded...

One day I thought I'd see her with her daddy by her side,
And the violins would play,
"Here Comes The Bride".

I could feel my body being lifted from the bed I had chosen to act as my coffin until my family found one more fitting for my burial. I could feel the violent shaking, hear my name being whispered though it was no longer enough to bribe me to stay in this world. I felt nothing when I heard his voice, his pleas...

Why does it have to go from good to gone?
Before the lights turn on,
Yeah you're left alone-
Here come's good-bye.

I could feel his cold body holding me tightly to him, his sobbing breaths against the exposed skin of my neck. As long as I had waited for him, thinking that if he came back, everything would be perfection once again... It wasn't. It was no longer enough for him to exist alongside me, this life was no longer enough.

I bid a silent good-bye to the man I had loved with all of my heart and continued on into what I assumed to be the beginning of something better. Something I was told held no pain, no sadness, no fear.

Stepping into the bright light, my surroundings resembled nothing like the heaven I had imagined. Instead, it was prom night, without any students. The same, lit gazebo waited for me as our song played. I began to believe the bible was another book that lied... Forcing me to believe that in heaven, I would no longer feel incomplete. I was lost in a memory, without the other half.

Stepping into the scene, I felt a familiar presence. A body pulling me back against theirs as they leaned over my shoulder to whisper in my ear. "I'm here..."

"Edward...how?"

"I told you I couldn't live in a world where you don't exist..."

I turned around, my body facing his. The bible lied. There were tears in heaven for I was crying them for all those who thought they no longer existed after death.

I was in his arms again, his body forcing mine into the same dance we had shared together that night. The same dance we would spend the rest of forever dancing to.

A dance that needed no good-bye.