This is my first Once Upon A Time fic. Enjoy. I don't own Once Upon A time.
Emma could feel the rain hitting her head, soaking through her red leather jacket. But she didn't care. She was numb. Staring at the dark rainy nights sky, she cradled Killian's hook in her hand.
Killian. Why did she have his hook? Well Killian Jones was dead of course. His funeral was tomorrow.
Tears should be coming, but none came. She was truly numb. Without that stupid, loving, stupid, oh so stupid, idiot of a pirate, who was Emma? Killian had become her reason to breathe, to laugh, to smile, to live.
The rain bounced off her nose, her lips.
"Emma." Snow called. The other women stood next to her, worried about her daughter.
"Do you think he's up there?" Emma asked, quietly, in a near whisper and the rain made it impossible to hear. Her head was still turned up to the sky.
"What?" Snow responded, not catching what the grieving women had said.
"Killian." Emma said, louder, turning her head down to face Snow. "Do you think he's up there," she pointed to the sky "watching us," she took a breath "me?"
Snow gave the blond women a sad smile, and replied
"If you have hope that he is, Emma, he is."
And then, the tears came. The tears Emma had been holding in since Mr. Gold crushed his heart. "Oh god," Emma thought, "Mr. Gold actually killed him. He took his heart, again, to get to me."
"C'mon Emma." Snow urged. "Let's go home. We'll catch colds out here."
Emma sniffled, trying to pull herself together. She knew she should be sad, she was sad, but she never liked to show emotions.
At the apartment, David and Henry were drinking hot cocoa and watching Disney movies.
"Hi mom! Hi grandma!" Henry happily greeted when Snow and Emma came through the door. His face became solemn when he saw pain on his mother's face.
"Mom." He said, sounding, oh so much wiser. "It'll be okay. I promise."
Emma chuckled sarcastically
"I'm not so sure about that, kid." She said.
Emma turned to Snow.
"I'm tired." She said, monotone "Can I go to bed?"
Charming looked worried, as he and Snow exchanged glances.
"We can't say no." Snow mouthed to Charming. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Of course sweetie." Snow said.
Emma went up the steps to her and Henry's bedroom, two at a time.
When she got to the room she wasn't tired, she just needed to get away from all the pity. She knew Killian was dead. She knew it hurt. She was hurt. She wouldn't deny that.
At 11:00 pm, she noticed Henry had not come up to go to bed yet. Slightly worried, she tiptoed to the steps to the loft. From the shadows, she saw Snow, sitting on the sofa, sitting, as if she was waiting.
"I can see you Emma." Snow called her out. Ashamed of being caught, she crept down the stairs to the loft.
"Um…" Emma trailed off. What was she supposed to say? Since Killian died, she's been moping around, running on autopilot without that pirate by her side.
"Let's have some hot cocoa." Snow said, breaking the silence to give Emma time to think about what to say.
"Mom." Emma finally said. "Damnit." She muttered, as she felt tears coming. She slumped down on the couch, quietly, carefully. Henry and Charming were asleep in the same room.
"I can't take it." She mumbled. "I don't know how I'm surviving." The tears came faster now, until she was full on crying. "I hate this. I want to join him so, so, much. But I know I can't. I have duties here. He'd want me to do them. but i just can't. Either everything hurts or I'm numb."
"Emma." Snow said in a controlling voice. "You have people who love you. Who are more than willing to go from hell and back for you."
Emma swallowed hard at that.
"Let me in Emma." Snow pushed "Let me help you. Let Charming help you, and Henry." Emma bowed her head, ashamed.
"I…" She trailed off "I don't know how mom."
Snow was making the hot cocoa, and felt so...horrible. Her daughter was hurting, and she couldn't even have her open up to her.
"Mom," Emma started, "I'm sorry." She squeezed her eyes shut, not bearing to look at the look on her mother's face at what she has said.
"Oh Emma," Snow mumbled, momentarily forgetting the hot cocoa, "you don't need to be sorry."
Tears still steadily streaming down Emma's face,
"I do. Oh mom...I'm so, so sorry." She chucked sadly, angrily wiping at her tears. "I guess I really am 'Crybaby Emma'."
Snow glanced at Emma, confused. Emma sniffled, rubbing her hand against her nose.
"It's what kids called. Every school, because I just...just cried sometimes." Emma paused, the force of horrid childhood memories hitting her at full force. "Crybaby Emma, Crybaby Emma. That's what that all called me. Every damn school I went to. Until, I just stopped, until I gave up hope on my parents ever finding me."
"You aren't alone anymore, Emma." Snow sniffed. "I promise."
Killian's funeral was the nest day. Emma suddenly remembered this. It made her cry harder.
"Do I have to speak at Killian's funeral tomorrow?" she heartbreakingly asked.
"I don't know honey."
And with that, Emma went back to bed, still hurt. She would never mend.
In her bedroom, she saw and envelope lying upon her bed. It was addressed to Emma, in messy handwriting. Emma instantly recognized it as Killian's. With shaking hands, she pried it open, a small piece of paper falling onto her bed.
Picking it up, she read it aloud, mumbling.
Dear Me Swan,
Aye lass, if you're reading this, it means I've died. Look, I know this is cheesy, but when I die, I want you to have something to remember me by, besides me trusty hook. I want you to have something written in me own words.
Again, with the cheesiness, I want to first say sorry, lass. I'm oh so sorry that this world decided you and I had to be separated I'm sorry I have left you in this scary world with curses and magic and crocodiles.
If crocodile killed me Swan, I want you to get revenge. This revenge, is not for me lass, it's for you. I want you to have a sense of relief, of acceptance. If he did kill me, I hope he did because I was trying to protect you. I don't want to die for no reason, to die because I was vain, stupid, and selfish. I have changed since we met, Swan, you know that. I don't want to die in vain. I don't want to be vain.
I hope you're holding up. I know how every man you've ever loved died. Graham, Neal, and now, me. I know how much you must be suffering. I can't imagine how I would feel if you died and left me alive. I hope that's not what happens. Well, if you're reading this, I died, not you. Anyway, you have people who love you, who will help you through your grief. Snow, Charming, Henry, hell, even Regina will help you. Me death will hurt, oh, it'll hurt so, so much.
Me death hurting is a whole other topic. Love. That's the reason it'll hurt, but that's the beauty of love. Love hurts, Swan, you know that better than anyone.
Well, I'm done, I can't think of anything else to write to you. So, I'll end this the only way I can. With, I'm sorry, and I love you Swan, with every bit of me heart, even if I die without it.
Love your one and only pirate,
Killian Jones
There were tears in her eyes by the end of it.
"I love you to Killian."
Snow, Charming, and Henry woke up to Emma clutching a paper to her chest, tears staining her cheeks, but a soft smile on her face nonetheless. She was going to be okay.
What do you think? Sorry I killed Killian, I've had this on my mind for a while.