Everyone jumped when all the screens in the command centre, the TV in the Rec Room and the monitors in the Security Room suddenly flickered into life. As the soldiers and Autobot's of NEST continued to watch, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker appeared on the screen. The red twin was wearing a shit-faced grin whilst his brother looked as surly as ever.
"Hey there everyone, Sideswipe here along with my delightful Dandelion of Doom."
"Don' call meh dat!"
Sideswipe shook his head and grinned.
"Ignoring that lovely outburst from our charming Sociopathic Sunflower, let me tell you what's happenin' here. We have recently noticed that several of you squishies don't have a fraggin' clue about how to live with the Autobots and AlleyBots currently stuck on this mudball planet. So … we have decided (read been forced to by Prowl) to make this very simple guide to ensure no more problems between our races."
"Get on with it Sides."
"So without further ado…"
A list suddenly appeared on the screens.
Rule 1: Always keep the AlleyBots away from the high grade.
-Corvette twins (we should really know better), Ironhide, Bluestreak, Smokescreen, Jazz
Although AlleyBots can and will drink everyone under the table, they should be prevented from doing so. The reason? Hungover AlleyBots are the nastiest pieces of work you'll ever encounter. Seriously, Megatron could take lessons from them. Lennox had the misfortune of learning this after one particularly long party when he went to ask Nightfire for a ride home. The door to Nightfire's room has yet to be replaced. Lennox is now receiving therapy.
Rule 2: Never poke fun at the Triplets disabilities … they get even. Then their sire gets even.
-Any afthole that's ever been dumb enough to try this; Galloway, we're looking at you.
Our less than beloved Liaison learnt this after Nova overheard him going on about "useless deaf robots" when complaining about Niner seemingly ignoring him. In the next few hours Galloway's car, laptop, mobile and all the paperwork he had completed over the last week had mysteriously vanished. The whole lot was eventually found on the shooting range where Nightfire and Nexus were demonstrating a new plasma rifle they'd designed. To our dear liaison's horror the whole lot, car and all, was obliterated in a few blasts. Nightfire had just deadpanned at the shrieking liaison:
"Sorry 'bout dat … guess mah useless audio's jus' couldn' 'ear yew. Min' repeatin' yerself … slowly."
Galloway will continue to be on the receiving end of such actions until he learns his lesson. Personally I hope he doesn't, it's nice to have a prank target that I don't get brigged for going after. Optimus and Prowl learnt long ago not to get involved or be dragged into the retaliation so Galloway … watch your back.
Rule 3: Never startle Nightfire when he is practising with his Prime legacy.
-Ironhide, Bluestreak, Prowl, Sunstreaker (really bro?!), Optimus (why?!), Wheeljack, Lennox, Epps
'Nuff said, just don't do it. Ever
Rule 4: The next moron to hack Niner's talk pad to only play 'This is the Song that Never Ends' whenever he tries to use it will be pranked. Extensively. And don't bother complaining to Prowl, not only has he given us a No-Brig card for this, we have his agreement that you will be brigged.
*I am looking forward to cashing in on my Prank-Free-Week card by the way (Prowl)
-You know who you are …
* Pray we neva find yew (Nightfire)
Rule 5: We Cybertronians have yet to fully understand all the subtleties of the human language. Please refrain from using idioms or other such phrases without prior explanation particularly if you have an Autobot for a guardian.
-All NEST personnel
Nightfire refused to even let Lennox walk anywhere for a week after he complained about taxes 'costing him an arm and a leg'.
*It's a figure of speech you crazy AlleyBot! (Lennox)
Rule 6: Never, ever, EVER irritate Jacker or Ratchet by committing Acts of Insane Stupidity.
-Anyone idiotic enough to try.
For a pair of cranky old medics those two have terrifying aim. And they're teaching FirstAid and Nova so watch out!
Rule 7: Any and all spy films are not allowed when CodeRed and Red Alert are out of the Security Room. The poor mechs are paranoid enough as it is.
Bluestreak, Smokescreen, Corvette twins, Ironwill, Triplets, Nightfire, Jet Duo (Sureshot and Surestrike)
It gives them too many ideas okay?!
Rule 8: Don't let the Jet Duo anywhere near explosives!
Epps, Corvette twins, Ironhide, Wheeljack, Jackhammer, Nexus
Why would you do this you crazy fraggers?! Those two are insane enough without allowing them access to high explosives!
*When I catch whoever gave them that C4 they blew up my office with … (Lennox)
*Stop nickin' mah C4! Ah need it fer mah grenades, it's da only stuff on dis planet dat works! (Nightfire)
Rule 9: Never hide the coffee from any NEST personnel who have Cybertronian guardians.
-Any moron that tries this.
Cranky coffee deprived soldiers equals cranky guardians. This then equals absolute mayhem until the coffee is recovered. So just don't do it okay? The evil glares are beginning to unnerve those who are not hopeless caffeine addicts.
*Next person to hide the bloody coffee is getting shot … and I don't care where! (Graham)
Rule 10: Whoever introduced Nightfire, Ironwill, the Jet Duo and the Triplets to Red vs. Blue is a dead mech. Or squishie. I don't care, whoever did it … you're dead!
-You know who you are, keep hiding if you know what's good for you …
Every single one of Ironwill's mishaps is now met with "Nova did it". This excuse is used regardless of the incident and even Nova's location. He can be on the other side of the base sometimes!
Nexus has taken to saying "Bow chicka bow wow!" at every opportunity.
The Jet Duo appear to be imitating Church and Caboose. Granted, Surestrike is an idiot, but this does not need encouraging!
Niner keeps trying to create an AI like Alpha. (Granted if this helps him communicate then we're all for it, but perhaps you should leave programming to the experts bitlet.)
Nightfire seems to identify with Agent Washington and regularly quotes him. As noted after one particularly brutal skirmish when one of the rookie squishies called him insane. "I'm totally, completely sane … now if you'll excuse me, I need to go blow up this dead body."
Rule 11: The following Autobots are banned from playing Call of Duty.
-Corvette twins, Jet Duo, Bluestreak, Ironhide, Nexus, Nightfire, Jazz, Optimus (really Boss?!), Barricade (not that this is surprising), Wheeljack
Wheeljack, Jet Duo and Nexus: you four get too many ideas
Bluestreak, Ironhide, Barricade, Nightfire, Corvette twins: you lot really don't need remind us how good you are at killing things. The cries of "BOOM, HEADSHOT!" and "Damn I'm good!" are starting to scare the rookies.
Jazz, Optimus: you two just use it to procrastinate and avoid paperwork, like you need another excuse. Prowl is getting sick of picking up the slack.
Rule 12: Never help a bot escape their physicals.
-Lennox, Epps, Graham, Maggie
Ratchet, FirstAid, Nova and Jacker will get even. Especially since they don't appreciate having to track down wayward patients. Revenge usually entails medical records being pulled and overdue vaccinations suddenly coming to light.
*You four are bloody sadistic! (Graham)
*I didn't even know Nightfire was trying to duck his physical! (Lennox)
*I swear you lot just made these overdue vaccinations up … (Epps)
That about sums the list up for now. Feel free to send in any of your own rules via review or PM.