Bilbo was flustered.
That was really the only way to describe him at any given moment. Save for the few times when he sat at his front porch puffing away happily at his pipe and thinking about the next meal of the day, he generally gave the impression of being flustered. It was quite amusing for the inhabitants of Bag-End to watch as he ran this way and that: stuttering out apologies and quick greetings as he went about the errands of the day in a rather clumsy fashion. Even at get-togethers and large birthday parties – a particular favorite of Hobbits – Bilbo, although he laughed with the rest and drank just as much, always seemed to be oddly tizzy as if he were confused by his own happiness
If one were feeling particularly generous one would describe Bilbo as a Hobbit in a state of constant bewilderment or, if one were feeling both satisfied after a good, hearty second breakfast and rather generous one would describe Bilbo Baggins as quite terribly flustered all of the time. This being said, there really was no way in which one could perfectly describe Bilbo Baggins in the moment that he found himself. Pressed against a boulder, his arms held uncomfortably above his head by two young Dwarves, Bilbo was really quite terribly confused and flustered.
"Look at his face, brother," Kili laughed a deep, echoing laugh that startled a flock of birds nearby and made Bilbo jump. "He looks as if he's just seen a troll." Fili moved closer and inspected Bilbo with his usual smirk floating around his bearded mouth. The last rays of the slowly slipping sun played upon his golden hair and made his eyes sparkle with a mischievousness that Bilbo did not like at all, making him look very much like a being made of a timid albeit dangerously playful fire. His brother standing on the other side of him shone with a similar sort of light even though he was much darker in more ways than one.
"Well," Fili said softly, his eyes roaming about the Hobbit's face. In them Bilbo could see the soft pensiveness and budding wisdom that earned Fili much more respect and attention than was usual for a Dwarf of his age. Bilbo knew that he, at least, meant him no harm but he wasn't so sure about his younger brother. "Maybe he has. Have you seen yourself lately?"
Kili punched him playfully on the shoulder. It hardly fazed his grinning brother but the resounding 'thump' made Bilbo jump again. He realized, with a sinking sort of fear, that such a meaningless gesture really meant nothing to two dwarves but could have sent a Hobbit like himself flying. He gulped but the dwarves were too busy prodding and muttering naughty threats at each other to notice.
"Well!" Kili finally said. His hair and clothing had become extremely tousled during the whole ordeal and his eyes, although usually alight with mischievous pleasure, were almost impossibly bright when he turned them upon Bilbo. "Well, what should we do with him, then? Come on, tell us, Burglar! What kind of things do you like?"
"Do I…do I like?" These were the first words that Bilbo had spoken in the presence of the two dwarves and, suffice to say, Bilbo had a hard time getting them out. "Well," he said, his mind all in a muddle. If he had been slightly less flustered he would have recognized this as a time to stand up for himself or use clever words to get himself out of this situation but the feel of the two dwarves pressed so close to his body made him feel just a bit disoriented. His scrambled his poor, flustered brain looking for something, anything to say.
"Well, I suppose I like afternoon tea and…and second breakfast and toast with my jam and – what's so funny?" Bilbo stared at the two Dwarves in annoyance as they burst out laughing. He didn't think that he had said anything even remotely funny yet there they were: wiping tears of mirth from their eyes and waking animals for miles around with their deep Dwarven laughter. This probably would have been a good time for the Hobbit to make his escape for they had momentarily lessened their grip on his arms but Bilbo was too preoccupied with trying to figure out just what exactly they were laughing about to worry about escaping.
"Really, now!" Bilbo said quite loudly but the Dwarves didn't hear him over the sound of their own laughter. Kili, who was bent double with his hands upon his knees, straightened up and placed a calloused palm upon his shoulder. He chuckled uncontrollably for a few more seconds before staring at Bilbo with watery eyes.
"A grocer, indeed!" he said in a strained voice. Immediately he and his brother broke out into another round of wild laughter leaving poor Bilbo to stare between the two Dwarves with a perfectly desperate expression on his face. He opened his mouth to protest the unfair disadvantage that he had in the whole process when, without warning, Kili pulled him into a wet kiss. Bilbo whimpered in surprise but no sound could escape his lips as they were pressed clumsily against those of the Dwarves'. Kili pulled back, his surprisingly strong arms still wrapped around Bilbo's heaving chest.
"Do you like that, Grocer?"
"I…"
"What about this?" Fili grabbed Bilbo's shoulders and spun him around to face him. Before Bilbo could speak Fili had started to tickle him in places that really ought not to have been tickled. The Hobbit tried to push him away but his hands had been rendered rather useless as his body shook and convulsed with waves of laughter.
"Ha ha ha….stop it! Really, I warn you – heeheeheeheehee – you won't like me when I'm – stop it, that tickles! – angry! Ha ha ha ha!"
"Nay, I don't think he likes it, brother!" Kili called over the top of Bilbo's head. He spun him around again (Bilbo was beginning to feel quite dizzy) and dropped to his knees in front of him. He glanced up into Bilbo's bewildered eyes with a look that spoke of devilish anticipation. "Why don't we try this?" With that the young Dwarf ripped the belt from Bilbo's trousers and yanked the rough fabric from his legs, leaving Bilbo feeling cold and very exposed.
"O," he said tonelessly as Kili spit on his hands and rubbed then together. "O!" he said again, much louder and in a much higher pitch as Kili began to do things with his hands that Bilbo had only heard about from the mouths of drunk foreigners who sometimes wandered into the taverns of Bag End. Fili moved up behind him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, nuzzling his stubbly chin in the crevice between Bilbo's shoulder and neck. He began to mutter in Bilbo's in ear a low, giddy tune: his baritone voice making the leaves on the trees flutter and Bilbo shudder in delight. Kili bounced his head in time with the rhythm, unable to add his voice to the song as his mouth was busy with something else completely.
"Mister Bilbo Boggins finds that he is rather stuck
In the arms of Dwarven gents by some fortunate luck
Pleasure, joy, and merriment await this hairy buck
We will have him wet and hot and rolling in the muck
Mister Bilbo Boggins finds that he is rather red
He wishes for some pretty girl but has us two instead!
With thighs a-strain and belly warm he closed his eyes and said –"
"What in the name of Durin is going on here?" Everybody froze and looked up in horror as Thorin Oakenshield stepped into the clearing, his seemingly emotionless eyes traveling slowly between Kili, Fili, and finally Bilbo's flushed face. Fili knew to be wary of his uncle, especially when he failed to show any physical response whenever he was displeased with something. It would be considered a sign of weakness if ever a king were to allow his true emotions to be read on his face or in his posture, and either because Thorin was aware of this or was just able to hide his emotions naturally, it was quite difficult to unravel Thorin Oakenshield's true sentiments except for the many times when his eyes positively glowed with pride or kingly passion whenever he gazed upon the stone and obsidian walls that made up his home or stared into the face of a slew enemy. His lips remained slightly parted around his last words, whether in anger or faint amusement, Fili did not know.
"And now Fili of Erebor wishes that he were dead," he muttered to himself. Kili pulled away from Bilbo with a very wet and rather obscene 'pop' that made Fili cringe in embarrassment. "Uncle," he said, quickly standing up. Nobody seemed to notice poor Bilbo hurriedly trying to adjust his trousers over his swelling erection. "What a…pleasant…surprise..." Kili tried to arrange his mouth into what he thought was a sincere and innocent smile. Thorin slowly turned his head towards him and fixed him with such a look of pitying disbelief that Kili was forced to bow his head under the weight of his own shame. Thorin turned his eyes back to the eldest brother.
"You were supposed to be watching the ponies, not tormenting the burglar," he growled, crossing his arms and putting most of his weight on one foot, the sight of which the two brother's had become accustomed to.
"Aye," Fili nodded his head once respectfully, as was expected of him. "We are sorry. It will not happen again." He glanced pointedly at his brother who in turn pretended to be too preoccupied with crushing a blade of grass beneath his boot to notice both his brother and his uncle staring at him. Fili nudged him hard enough to make him stumble forward a few feet. "Sorry!" he mumbled grumpily, his eyes flickering up to Thorin's. Thorin stared at the two in silence before muttering something in a low voice that Bilbo could not hear but must have alarmed the dwarves very much judging by their responses. The most that Kili could do was open and close his mouth in incredulity before finally finding the courage to speak.
"Uncle, you can't!" Kili cried, horror-stricken. Thorin uncrossed his arms and stood his full height, quite an impressive sight for someone under five feet. "Kili!" he said crossly. "You seem to have forgotten your place! You were foolish enough to lay your hands on the Hobbit and will be punished accordingly. Now are you really foolish enough to fight against me?"
"No, Uncle!" Kili stuttered, quite alarmed.
"Of course not," Thorin said, moving in closer to Kili. The young dwarf flinched when Thorin raised his hand but found that his fears had been in vain. Thorin placed his hand on his shoulder and stared at him with warmer eyes. "You have my blood running through your veins. It doesn't allow for much stupidity. Now get out of my sight. Both of you!"
The two dwarves hurriedly complied, tripping over themselves in their hurry to flee their uncle's wrath. Thorin sighed and closed his eyes. If the quest wasn't trying enough….
"Master Baggins," he said softly. Bilbo stopped mid-step and hesitantly peeped over the edge of a bush that he had been creeping behind. He knew that Thorin wasn't upset with him but he still didn't feel comfortable with being in the king's presence, not at the moment.
"Yes?"
"Where are you going?"
"I am going back to the camp. I'm very tired, you see-"
"I think that you will find yourself rather burdened, Master Baggins."
"What? O," Bilbo looked down at is pants with disappointment. There was absolutely no possibility of hiding that from the rest of the company. Thorin moved around the edge of the bush and dragged Bilbo out of it by his sleeve. Much to Bilbo's surprise he sat down in front of him and looked up at him with a gaze that resembled Kili's perfectly.
"I will help you lessen the burden," he said simply, hooking his fingers beneath the lining of Bilbo's trousers. Bilbo gulped. O, here we go again, he thought to himself as he felt his pants being removed once again. "That is, unless you would prefer to carry it?"
"No! No, no, no – I mean, yes! I mean…wait, now hold on just a minute. I, well, you see…"
"You seem rather flustered, Master Baggins."
"Yes," Bilbo said finally, as he felt Thorin's lips brush against the most sensitive part of his skin. "Yes…but pleasurably so."
Author's Note: *singing* "With thighs a-strain and belly warm he closed his eyes and said, 'what in the name of Durin is going on here?'" Ha ha, oh I am definitely going to carry that around for a while. So tell me what you think. Should I continue? Should the boys come back under the pretense of having forgotten something? Hmm….maybe. Hope you enjoyed!