Kyoukai no Rinne © Rumiko Takahashi.
Holding Onto Nothing
Tsubasa Jumonji isn't afraid to admit that he likes Sakura Mamiya. He'd tell her a thousand times a day if he could, even with her lack of a definitive response. She deserves no less, after all. He tries not to let her vague answers bother him, he knows love takes time, and he's an optimistic person in general. At least he'll always have a clear conscience. If a ghost kills him tomorrow - however unlikely that might be - he wouldn't have any regret.
And that's why Rokudo's reluctance to voice his own feelings really, really pisses Tsubasa off.
No, maybe that isn't it, Tsubasa muses as he watches Mamiya chat idly with the red-head across the classroom. Maybe it's that gleam she gets in her eye, or the way her shoulders relax, and her voice lowers and her words slow down whenever she's in his presence; the fact that she's so calm and cool, comfortable, that really bothers him.
He acts like he doesn't notice it. How easily Mamiya's hand slips into Rokudo's, or how the two walking together is so natural, it's like they've rehearsed it to an art. How Mamiya will occasionally make Rokudo a bento. The little things keep building up, little signs that tell him to give up and go home.
But no. Tsubasa Jumonji will not lose out to a coward. So he confronts Rokudo relentlessly, trying to push him in the right direction, trying to, dare he say, help him. He doesn't like admitting it, but Rokudo is the closest thing to a male friend he's ever had, so a part of him is even routing for him. And it bothers him, as it's just one more thing to toss onto the pile of his conflicting emotions.
Mamiya has left the room to go have lunch with her friends, and the classroom is empty save Rokudo and Tsubasa. He decides now is as good a time as any for a routine checkup.
"Oy, Rokudo." He says, folding his arms and leaning against the chalkboard, "Have you told Mamiya-san you like her yet?"
He doesn't miss the nervous twitch in his left eye, "How many times do I have to tell you? It's not like that." His words sound halfhearted.
He's expecting that, but it still annoys him. They've been over this several times before, and he's really starting to lose his patience with the sort-of shinigami. "Really? Because the way you look at her tells everyone otherwise." He responds through his teeth.
Rokudo bites the inside of his cheek, before swallowing, and staring at the floor. This is a strange moment of vulnerability that Tsubasa isn't used to seeing, and it takes him a little aback. Like he's so tired of fighting, he's just given in. He doesn't like it. "Even if…" Rokudo begins slowly, almost visibly swallowing his pride, "Even if I tell her. What good would it do?"
That was the closest to a confession Tsubasa is ever going to get, so he accepts it, ignoring Rokudo's strange demeanor, "What good? She has a right to know, you know."
There's a weird look in his eye as he formulates his response, somewhere between uncertainty and annoyance, "And then what? It's not like I can take her out, or buy her gifts, or anything of the sort."
Something about that simple statement crushes him from the inside, and he gropes in the dark for something that will nullify it, "That doesn't matter!" Tsubasa argues, his gut twisting and his frustration taking control of his mouth. He wants him to confess, he wants Mamiya to respond, he hopes she rejects him, but he wants her to accept him too. He's strung tight, angry, confused, and his voice raises as he speaks, "It's just three simple words, it's not that hard!"
"You don't get it, do you?" Rokudo's bites back, his hands balling into fists, "I tell her, and everything changes. She'll become a walking target for damashigami, and anyone else who harbors a grudge against me. Is that what you want?" He lowers his voice, almost to a growl, and Tsubasa can tell Rokudo is beyond irritated, "You like her too, so why are you trying so hard to push me into putting her in such a situation?"
Rokudo stares him down, and for the first time, Tsubasa is speechless. There's a silence so tense he can count his own heartbeats.
"… You see?" He says finally, and he knows it's less of a question and more of a statement. Rokudo shoves his hands in his pockets and moves around him to exit the room, the soft thud of the door closing acting like a period at the end of a statement.
In the silence, Tsubasa clenches his teeth together, and tries to will the ugly feelings in his chest to calm - but he's so angry. He hates that Rokudo is right, he hates that his reasons are perfectly logical and valid, he hates that it's unfair, and he hates that he even cares. But worst of all, he hates the part of him that tells him he's already lost.
He looks out the window and watches Mamiya join Rokudo in his routine walk towards the weather hutch, chatting animatedly, natural and forever friendly.
Because he knows he's holding onto nothing.
AN: BAAAAAAAAAW.
Also, Lovers and Liars' "Holding Onto Nothing" is SO Tsubasa Jumonji's character song. I'd make an AMV if an anime existed. : l