Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly and I don't make any profit from this, although I wish I did.
"Would you do me the honour of becoming Mrs Freddie Benson,"
"No."
"Wha-"
"Stay down there, I'm not finished. First, I want a bigger diamond on that ring."
"But this cost the same as a small car."
"So you're saying that in monetary terms our love is the same as a small car?"
"No, it's not meant to be about the money-"
"I don't care, this is supposed to be one of the most romantic moments in my life and you're ruining it with that small ring."
"But this is a Tiffany ring."
"So you went looking for a ring and picked a cheap one?"
"No-"
"I'd expect you to pick out the most expensive, or do you not love me?"
"I do but I've got the mortgage and car payments to worry about as well."
"That doesn't make sense, you said that ring cost the same as a car, so why are you still paying for our car?"
"Because you forced me to buy a Dodge Challenger and it cost forty four grand."
"Exactly, I can't drive a forty four thousand dollar car wearing a seven thousand dollar ring."
"Why do I have to pay for all this? You earn more than me."
"You have to prove you love me in monetary terms. Anyway this is up for discussion, you're getting a bigger ring."
"But you won't even wear it after the wedding."
"You're getting a better ring and that's final. Now the second and more important thing, I'm not going to be Mrs Benson."
"I expected that you'd want to keep your name, that's fine."
"You didn't let me finish. I'm not going to be Mrs Freddie Benson, you are going to be Mr Sam Puckett."
"Uh, what?"
"You are taking my name."
"Why not just keep our own names? Call the kids Puckett-Benson?"
"Do you want to marry me or not?"
"Yes, but-"
"Scratch that, do you want to have sex, ever again?"
"Yes, but-"
"No buts, you do what I tell you."
"But-"
"Remember when we had that talk and I told you that sometimes you should just nod and say 'Yes, dear'? This is one of those times."
"Yes, dear."
"I want a pet cat."
"Yes, dear."
"And when your mother visits, I'm allowed to sleep on Carly's couch until she's gone."
"Yes, dear."
"And you'll cook all my meals until the wedding."
"But I can't cook and you're a professional chef."
"I do it all day at work and it's kinda boring to do it at home as well, so learn."
"Sam-"
"Yes, dear."
"Yes, dear."
"Oh, yeah. You're paying for it everything as well, my dad lost his chance at parole for shanking some dude and the fraud charges are probably going to stick to my mom, not to mention her accounts are frozen until the trial anyway."
"I'm already in debt to my eyeballs, I can't afford to pay for every-"
"You want me to pay for my own wedding? You heartless bastard."
"What? I'm not saying that but I can't afford this."
"Can you afford to be the woman next time we have sex?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, the next time someone in this relationship is taking it from behind, it won't be me."
"Uh, can we continue this elsewhere?"
"What's wrong with here?"
"Me knee hurts and the referee wants to start the second half."
--A/N--
This is me being lazy. I probably could've built something around the dialogue but it seemed like a lot of work, and my first idea was just the idea of Sam making Freddie take her name if they got married. The start is based on a routine of Michael McIntyre, who's a hilarious stand up comic, where he complains about his engagement, when his wife told him to go down on one knee even after he'd bought a Tiffany ring. And the whole 'yes, dear' is just sometimes the best way to deal with women.
I've always thought that Sam's most likely future jobs would be food related, either as a chef or a pig farmer. Well, realistically, her and Carly would probably have a career in TV and I was considering that at first, but I felt it would be too much for her to be paid a lot more than Freddie yet make him buy everything. Also I imagine Sam is the kind of person to drive an expensive muscle car regardless of whether she can afford it or not. If you didn't realise the entire fic takes place centre court at a basketball match during half time.