Perfect Dance and Twisted Cycle
We were drowning in an endless sea of bright white and pale shades of yellow. Or maybe it was bright yellow streams and crisp white. A thin white cloth blanketed my vision as I dove farther into the warm sheets. I sighed in content and breathed in the smell of fresh linen and Alex.
I wrapped my arms tighter around my endless source of heat and buried my nose into her thick raven hair. My eyes remained closed though I could feel the rays of yellow light beating down against my exposed face. I burrowed deeper into her in an attempt to block out the daylight. Maybe we can just stay here I mused as I inhaled deeply.
She tipped her head forward and pulled her knees towards her chest in a fetus-like position. I heard her let out a rush of air, unsatisfied. I pulled my head back and sigh as I pull away. I roll onto my back and place my hand on my stomach as I blink repeatedly to allow my eyes to adjust to the unfailing streams of bright yellow light. She rolls over to face me without opening her eyes and snuggles into my side. She places her head on my shoulder and touches her nose to my neck. I sigh again and wrap my right arm around her waist to pull her into me a little more.
I force myself to remember that things shouldn't be this way. I force myself to remember that once the first rays of sun filter through the curtains reality must settle in. Yet I pull her in closer to me and wrap my left arm protectively around her waist as I place a kiss on the top of her head. My hands are clamped together as I struggle with the thought that I soon have to let go. I should have let go, I should have.
She kisses my neck and I groan. I let the dread wash over me as the rays of the sun fill the entire room with a bright yellow light. I've always been the one to bring her back to reality, not that I've ever really been given a choice. This was never what I wanted, but when has there been any other way?
My hands unclench at her waist and I attempt to untangle myself from her body. Her grip on me tightens however and I can't seem to let go. My heart expands painfully and I pull my arm from under her to bring them up to my face. I rub away the sleep and groan in frustration. I try to pry myself from her grip once again but come up short. Must this happen every time?
She's fully awake now and looks up to stare at my face, which is conveniently covered by my hands. She swings her right leg over mine and slips her left leg underneath to hold me in place as she sits up, resting on her left elbow. She uses her right hand to pry my hands from my face and I shake my head. She insists however and manages to pull them away. I attempt to shove her off me but to no avail.
That's when I feel the first tear hit my cheek and slither down the side of my face heading towards my ear. I close my eyes as the multiple diamonds of water shower down my face, mirroring the first. She loosens her grip on me and kisses my tears away.
Must it happen like this every time? No matter how much I train my mind and my body, as soon as the rays of light stream into the stark white room, the tears begin to fall. It's like a dance we've mastered over the countless times we've spent together. The music is the constant sighs, groans and squeaks that are released from our tired throats. Our movements have been perfected a long time ago, and even though we both know what's coming, we don't alter the delicate balance of our practiced dance.
The tears keep flowing and will last a few minutes longer until my throat is raw and all that can be heard is my tired sniffles. That's when she wraps her arms around my shoulders and pulls me into her chest kissing my head and whispering soft lullabies into my ear. My arms are bent at the elbow and pressed up against her chest as well, while my hands cover my mouth in a weak attempt to stifle my sobs.
She pulls me in closer, which is a feat unto itself as our bodies are already flush against each other. She leaves no room for me to breathe as I throw my left arm over her waist and pull her in closer. She tries to hold my body steady to prevent it from trembling with further sobs that I can't hold in.
Even though I can't breathe I push myself further into her, knowing we only have a few more moments. As much as I hate our routine, I can't seem to break the cycle. It's twisted and heart breaking, but at the same time allows me to stay close to her as long as possible, which evidently isn't for much longer.
She continues to whisper into my hair words that mean nothing. Her intentions are pure, but we both know her words are untrue. She can't stay and neither can I. This twisted little dance we've perfected is coming to a close as our breaths calm down in sync. She pulls away from me and wipes away the tears on my damp cheeks. She smiles and it breaks my heart. I'm supposed to smile back here, but I don't.
She sighs and untangles her legs from mine but I pull her back in. Our foreheads rest together and I can feel her hot breath as my lips tremble. She asks with her eyes, I nod and smile sadly as she leans in to caress my lips with her own. This never amounts to much as we simply hold each other with our arms and our legs and our lips, lightly.
My heart drops, right on cue and we pull away from each other with our eyes closed. I squeeze them tight and attempt to hold back the tears as I pull away and turn onto my side with my back facing her. She rolls onto her back and groans with her eyes squeezed shut. I can tell exactly what she's doing, exactly what she's thinking without having to look at her.
Her teeth chatter slightly as if she's about to cry but she musters up her strength and pulls herself together, like she does every single time. She's always been the stronger one, willing to fight that extra mile, just so I don't have to see her cry, to see her broken or hurt. That's just who she is, and it hurts that I can't control myself enough to stop from hurting her.
She says she doesn't mind, but I know the truth. I know she breaks as soon as she steps out into the real world. I can see it in her eyes as she kisses me goodbye. I can see the hurt flash across her face when she sees me and when she leaves me. But we've got roles to play, I've chosen mine and she's chosen hers. We've gone through too much to switch now. Though I know she's going to break eventually, I can tell.
She rolls onto her side and wraps an arm around my waist, holding me from behind. I bring her hand to my lips and kiss her knuckles one by one. She gets up then and heads to the shower. I lay in bed for a few more minutes with my eyes focused on the ceiling. I hear the water running and get up to make a pot of coffee. I can feel my energy seeping through my feet with every step as I scold myself for the night's events.
As I pour the coffee into a mug the water stops running and I mix in a lump of sugar. I walk to the bathroom door just as she's stepping out with a towel wrapped tightly around her chest and a smaller towel rubbing her hair dry. I hand her the mug and side step past her into the bathroom without making eye contact. I take my time in the shower and wash away the unsatisfied feeling blanketing my skin.
I step out of the bathroom just as she had and head to the bedroom to change into my clothes. I then head into the kitchen to see her dressed as well with damp hair cascading down her back. She reads the newspaper and sips her coffee as I sit across from her and sip mine as well. I stare into my mug and let my feelings wash over me. She looks up from the paper and stares at me over her mug, which she brought to her lips.
"Maybe we should stop," I say without looking up.
She looks down, mirroring my actions and whispers, "Maybe"
"How long this time?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
She rises from her seat and walks over to me. I turn to face her as she settles between my legs. "Only a week"
I let out a sarcastic chuckle and shake my head looking down. She bends a bit and uses her fingers to lift my head. She looks into my eyes and reassures me that a week isn't a long time at all. I stare into her eyes and tell her that I've been waiting years, that it isn't only a week. She looks away in shame and steps back from me. I sigh.
She walks towards the door and picks up her purse. Her hand lingers on the doorknob as she looks back at me and I get up. I give her a light kiss on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around her neck in a tight hug. She turns around to face me and squeezes me tight. "Only a week" she whispers and I nod into her shoulder. She pecks me again on my lips and walks out the door.
She called me a week later to apologize, saying she couldn't make it. I couldn't say I wasn't expecting the call; it's all part of our cycle.
I can't help but sarcastically laugh at the pictures that surface online of her. Even though I expected this I still cried myself to sleep. "It's all part of the plan," I thought bitterly. When did I ever have a say on what the "plan" was going to be? The answer to that was painfully obvious and the little voice inside my head grew louder: never it screamed and I covered my ears to block out the noise.
The answer was painfully obvious and I vowed, just like I had countless times, that I would end it. This time, I thought, is the last time. This time, I have to stand my ground; I can't fall back into her trap, into her nasty web of lies.
Needless to say, I failed.
The bright yellow streams of light broke into the crisp white room once again, as I breathed in the smell of fresh linen and Alex. This time though, I didn't cuddle into her warmth, I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling where the light danced prettily above. I stared at the brilliant battle unfolding above me; Light against dark.
The shadows charged the bright yellow rays with dragons and armies, while the light kept the shadows back with their swords raised. I chuckled at the battle ensuing above me and for the first time I felt calm and at peace.
I heard a few birds chirping outside of the big window and clasped the metal bars above my head. I turned to the left and looked at the clock, right on time, I thought as Alex turned around beside me and snuggled into my side. I brought my right hand around her and draped it across her back and onto her waist. She smiled and shuffled into me. I kept my left hand gripping the mettle bar behind my pillow, keeping me grounded.
I closed my eyes and thought back to the night before, at how weak I was.
It's been almost a month since our last encounter. I hadn't received a single message from her since her initial phone call. I sat down at the kitchen table in my sweats and nursed a cup of tea. I heard a knock on the door and sighed as I padded through my apartment to the door.
I unlocked and opened it to reveal a beaming Alex. I couldn't help but smile at her. It was a stupid mistake.
She pushed herself in and crashed our lips together, already pulling off her jacket and abandoning her purse. I couldn't pull away, how could I? I craved the feeling I got when she touched me, when she kissed me, when she fucked me.
In the blink of an eye I was writhing under her naked as she ravished my neck and pushed into me further. I let out a string of moans as she kissed down my body and attached her lips where her fingers were currently plummeting in and out of me. My heart rate increased and my breathing quickened as I let out a string of breathy moans.
She smirked and added another finger as she quickened her pace. I squeaked and finally exploded onto her as I breathed out her name. She crawled up my body and kissed me just as my breathing slowed.
My body was glistening with sweat, as was hers. I crawled on top of her to repay the favor, just as she did for me.
I was pulled out of my thoughts of last night as she crawled on top of me and kissed me passionately. I knew she sensed that I had altered our previous routine and I kissed her back forcefully. I flipped her over and pinned her arms above her head as I rubbed my center against hers. She moaned and I brought my lips to her ear. I enveloped her ear in my mouth as she struggled beneath me. Then I did something she didn't expect.
"Fuck off" I whispered into her ear. She struggled against me but I held her still. It was my turn to be strong. It was my turn to be forceful. It was my turn to make the plan.
"Can we please talk?" She whispered, she sounded hurt but I begged myself not to cave.
I nod "Talk"
She shook her head. "Come out for coffee with me". I pulled away and looked into her eyes. "Please" she whispered. I nodded and tightened my arms around her wrist before getting up.
We walked to a nearby coffee shop and I kept my distance from her, knowing I couldn't be near her. She tried to catch my hand numerous times but I refused and ended up crossing my arms against my chest to prevent her from trying again. She sighed and I looked at her with disappointment in my eyes "What did you expect?"
She seemed to understand and looked to the ground. As we reached the coffee shop we ordered our drinks and sat down. She refused to look at me. I tried to start the conversation but was at a loss for words. What was I supposed to say? And anyway, it was her place to talk, not mine. After sitting silently for what I gathered was fifteen minutes, I shook my head and got up.
"This," I said as I gestured between her and I with my finger, "is over."
I walked out of the coffee shop and threw the paper cup into the garbage can on the way out. I groaned as I noticed people with cameras waiting outside. I kept my head down and walked quickly as they continued to snap my photo. I heard footsteps running behind me and found myself very annoyed that they were running to follow me.
I flipped around in anger when I felt a hand grab my wrist, until I saw Alex. My anger multiplied then and I shoved her away from me. She moved closer again though and grabbed my wrists to keep me in place.
"Mitchie…"
I glared at her and stepped forward to remind her that we were in a public place, that there were people around us with cameras.
"I know," She said. "I know."
"Good. Then back the fuck away from me." I tried to turn but she wouldn't let go of my wrists. "Get the hell away from me," I warned as I pried my wrists away from her hands. She was quick though and grabbed the back of my neck to pull my lips against hers in a searing kiss. I could see the lights flashing against my closed lids and heard gasps and clicks.
She pulled away and brought our foreheads together and whispered, "I can't lose you. I want this. I want us together. I'm not hiding anymore."
I sighed and looked into her eyes. There was no point in fighting; the cat was out of the bag. I nodded and grabbed her hand as we fled to my apartment.
"What the fuck were you thinking?" I heard her manager yell through the phone.
The pictures spread through the Internet like wildfire and I smiled as I looked at the video on youtube.
"I'm done hiding." She said and hung up the phone. She smiled at me and wrapped her arms around my neck as we watched the video together.
She kissed my cheek and I could feel the love radiating through her body. The cat was finally out of the bag and for the first time I felt truly happy to have her next to me. We were done hiding. We finally broke free from our twisted dance, our twisted cycle.