Joey's Departure.
Charlie immediately after Joey's departure from Summer Bay.
Recklessly sobbing, Charlie watched in disbelief as Joey sailed away from her.
She hated herself for sleeping with Hugo. How could she have thought that was the answer. That that would resolve anything. She knew she was confused, full of anxiety, everything with Joey had happened so fast, 'so beautifully, naturally fast' she now thought. Why hadn't she talked to Joey about everything, instead of trying to hide it? Why does the 'gay' label still feel shameful? Because that was what Charlie was struggling with; not her feelings for Joey, she was worried about peoples reactions, her friends, family, society. Why should it have mattered? Lying in Joey's arms feeling like she had come home was all that should have mattered. Everything had always felt natural with Joey, like the most beautiful thing in the world.
Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't that what they say? You can always see your mistakes when they are in the past?
Charlie remembered how she had only a couple of weeks back told Joey
'There is no shame in being gay.'
Yet, here she was, unable to deal intelligently with the emotions she now had for Joey. Why had she never suspected she would have feelings for another woman, doesn't everybody say:
'You always know on some level your gay'
With the boat now out of sight, Charlie turns and in a daze decides to take the long way home.
Her mind never slows, like some old classic movie running through her head she sees their time together, it's all black and white, slightly grainy from too many reruns. She has played these scenes so many times. She realizes Joey has been on her mind 24/7 for the last 6 weeks. A small smile slowly turns at the corner of Charlie's mouth - their first kiss. I had initiated it, Charlie now thought. How many other girl crushes had there been in the past; unrecognized for what they really were?
She can still remember the electricity of that kiss; Joey had asked her:
'felt like what Charlie?'
Charlie had paused for a long time before she slowly leaned in, her heart flipped, she heard the sound of her own breath catching in her throat. She had wanted to grab Joey then to kiss her more deeply, more passionately, maybe lie in her arms tell her everything she was feeling. Instead she had listened to her head; she always had, forever the practical cop. She wandered how things may have been different. Even on the boat, after dancing, she had felt free, relaxed; she had felt open, there was a trust between them, but instead she had run. Thinking with her head, again. How many walls had she built to 'protect' herself she now wandered.
With her own private screening running through her head and not ready to face her empty bedroom at the house yet, Charlie slumps in the sand and shudders at the memory of their last embrace. Well, lets be honest, Joey's last embrace. Charlie, so stunned that Joey was actually leaving, stood motionless, unable to move. Three months she had said.
'Three months is forever'
Charlie had replied.
Charlie had never loved anyone like this. Joey at the tender age of 20 seemed to know more about herself and more about Charlie than Charlie did at 27. She loved the way Joey seemed to get her. She was almost about to smile at some distant memory when she remembered what she had done. Why Joey was now, no longer here. Fresh tears pricked at her eyes, cascading down her cheeks and crashed onto the sand.
Charlie stayed there for a long time. The sun had set and the glow from the Surf Club now illuminated the beach. She could here people talking and drinking but it all seemed so distant. Until dragged from her own reverie, she hears Ruby whispering her name.
Ruby had been worried about Charlie all day. She had even left school to find Charlie and talk to her.
'Fight for her Charlie'
Had been all she could offer.
Ruby knew she had been hostile to Charlie when she first 'came out' but she also now recognized they loved each other, that they were really good for each other.
She had never seen Charlie like this. Charlie was normally the strong sister holding everything together, being Ruby's rock. Now Ruby needed to be there for Charlie. She wanted to be there.
'Hey sis.'
Charlie, lifting her eyes acknowledges Ruby but no words come out. Ruby sits down next to Charlie and pulls Charlie close, leaning into Ruby's shoulder Charlie stares out to sea.
After some time, Charlie gently pulls away from her sister and hugging her knees to her chest, states:
'She's gone Rubes. Left on a long haul this afternoon.'
Rubbing Charlie's back, trying to comfort her Ruby emphatically asks:
'But, she'll be back, right? It's a long haul, not forever.'
Charlie looks directly into Ruby's eyes and repeats Joey's words:
'It is one thing for me to say that I will forgive you and we can put this behind us, but it doesn't mean that I can.'
They were the words Charlie desperately did not want to hear. She knew that without forgiveness Joey would not be able to trust her again. Robbo had destroyed her; her ridiculous brother had abandoned her; Charlie was all that she had. She knew Leah's place had made Joey feel safe and welcomed but that was all crushed now, destroyed in one moment of stupidity.
'And, worst of all Rubes, I didn't even tell her that I love her, I didn't take your advice; I didn't fight hard enough for her. She told me she'll miss me, she gently held my face, kissed me, and all I did was look into her eyes and nod. What's wrong with me? I love her, why is it so hard for me to open my mouth and let the words out?'
Ruby didn't have any words, all she could do was let Charlie grieve.