Hello everyone! So this is basically a short story about what happens in episode 12 of the anime. Hope you like it!
A/N: It may contain spoilers from this episode and the previous ones.
Disclaimer: Banana Fish belongs to Akimi Yoshida, not me.
"So what?"
"So what? You killed all these people!"
An awkward, tense, oppressive silence filled the room. Eiji felt a bit ridiculous trying to lecture someone while he was wearing green pajamas but it was not the most important thing at the moment. Ash's eyes (green, too) pierced him as if he wanted to stab him with that glance. As if he was also just one more of his victims.
"I'm a killer. I thought you already knew it" Ash replied, coldly.
"I, uh..." Eiji hesitated. To forget it was easy and difficult at the same time. "I know you've killed people, I've even seen you. You did it to protect yourself, me, your friends. Because you had to. But these people... They were unarmed! They had already surrendered! How could you killed them in cold blood?! This is not you!" he finished, desperately trying to make him listen to reason. It was not about minor or major crimes – it was about human lives.
"You know shit about me!" Ash retorted, furiously. His two hands, curled into fists were trembling. "Those people were cowards, traitors. My friends died because of them, they deserve revenge. They got just what they deserve."
Eiji didnn't believe it, he just couldn't. The newspaper on the floor (with a headline announcing "The rise of violence in the streets of Manhattan continues") was there as the evidence he used to accuse Ash.
Since the beginning, he knew where he was sticking his nose. He knew that world he didn't belong to was cruel, merciless. He knew that lives barely matter there, but he thought he knew Ash as well. He chose to believe that he was a good guy, who was in the middle of all that against his will, because he had no other option. To believe that he was raised into violence and didn't know anything else, and was desperately trying to escape from it, doing everything he could. Even killing. But not that way. Not if it was not in self-defense. Not motivated by revenge and not giving a shit. This was not the Ash he would follow everywhere, he would risk his own life for. The Ash he fell in love with.
"Maybe" Eiji finally admitted. "Maybe I don't know anything about you, after all. But I think you're not a judge nor executioner. I think you just want to be free."
His soft, agreeable voice finally drove Ash mad. He could feel the rage running through his veins, a rage he couldn't contain inside his fists. No, not that. He knew it would happen sooner or later. He knew Eiji would leave him in the end, when he discovered what he really was. He was disgusted with himself for asking him to stay in that moment of weakness, since he knew it wasn't possible. He knew he'd never love him because he was a killer. Even if he could, it was dangerous to be around him. Anyone who he cared about was in danger, as Skipper and Shorter's deaths made clear. He knew that whatever was happening between them, it had an expiration date, which he still hated. He hated who he was – a killer, someone who could never be with Eiji, someone whom Eiji would never love.
"I don't need your sympathy" he advised, then he turned around and left the room, slamming the door. "You know nothing. Nothing!"
Eiji rised his arm, as if he could stop Ash, which obviously didn't happen. Ash didn't come back and he stayed there in his pajamas, barefoot, wondering if he had made the right choice.
Honestly, since their first kiss in jail (which maybe didn't count as such because it had just been a mean for an end) he started to see Ash in a different way. He thought he understood how much he was suffering, the difficulties he had to face. So he could tell himself it was right to love him despite him being perfectly capable of killing. But then, all these lives... it was just too much. Where was the sensitive kid who hid behind the gang boss? The one who felt sorry for what he had to do, the one who cried over his dead friends, the one who asked him not to let go. The one who belongs with him.
While Eiji worried about it, sleepless, Ash was doing the same thing, walking by the streets of Manhattan with no direction and no fear. After what happened in Golzine's he felt like he could face everything. He was empty inside and being with Eiji couldn't even hide it. What kind of despicable person shoots his best friend in the head? He knew that Eiji would be dead if he hadn't done it, and he was the only innocent there. But Shorter didn't deserve to die, much less by his hand, even if he asked for it himself in his last lucid moment as he realized there was no hope for him. There was still a voice inside his head that blamed himself for killing him, even when he did it to protect Eiji, like so many times before.
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The night gave way to the day and Ash didn't come home. Eiji realized when he looked at his left and found the bed perfectly made and empty. The newspaper was still in the same place it was the night before. He picked it up and threw it into the bin without a look. He patiently waited for the whole morning but Ash didn't show up. By midday he was actually worried. Shall something happened to him? He was completely able to take care of himself, but he had many enemies as well. Such was the case that he couldn't help but to contact two of his most trustworthy men in order to find him.
He turned out to be at the library – a place he would never thought about as a refuge for a kid from the streets like him. Maybe it was the reason no one would look for him there.
Ash considered ignoring him and saying he didn't want to talk but at that point he was too sick of everything. They left the place in order to talk calmly, even when he knew he couldn't say anything new. He couldn't change what he was or what he had done. If Eiji didn't accept him (which he completely understood) there was nothing else to discuss. It would be the best, in fact. It would be best for Eiji to get away from him, to come back home and forget everything.
"I'm so sorry about yesterday" said Eiji, speaking first. He was staring directly to the Hudson river, which he seemed to find pretty interesting. "You were right – I know nothing about this, I can barely understand your reasons, but I shouldn't judge you. I have no right to do it. since I chose this" he firmly stated.
"You can still have regrets" Ash shrugged, as if he didn't care, when the mere idea was heartbreaking. "I can understand that you only see a killer when you look at me. It's what I am and I've never hidden it. It would be wiser to get away from me – as your own instinct warns you.
"That's nonsense" Eiji replied. "You kept me safe all this time, I think my instinct knows that it's a good idea to trust you."
"Then you have the worst sense in the world" Ash sighed and couldn't help but making a funny face.
That night they came back home together. For some reason, Ash didn't find revenge so attractive anymore - it was something secondary. He could attack the source of the problem instead of spending his time with those dirty, disloyal bastards. Maybe this would please Eiji so he would spend some more time with him. Because he still was painfully aware of how close to ending their story was. But if he could choose, he preferred it to be later. He wasn't protecting him to get nothing in return.
Eiji was so tired he didn't even change into his pajamas or went to bed. He was so comfortable in the couch hugging Ash, his cheek leaning on the top of his head. Maybe he didn't know the kid so well, maybe he wouldn't like the final result. But at that point he hardly doubted it. Ash was very complicated, but he was seventeen and he was raised in a hell. It was easy to understand as well as the reason why he needed true affection. He didn't know if that story would end someday so he could be free, but he would stay for the moment as he asked him. He could love him even if he was a killer.
He was more than the hand holding the gun.