What the heart desires-
Intro: 5 years forward. Paily stored loosely based on season 6B when the liars return to Rosewood. There is no longer any A. I promise this is a Paily story just want to set a good back round story before it becomes pure Paily fluff. The four liars return to Rosewood for the first time in five years to celebrate Hanna's engagement to Jordan.
As the four best friends gathered at their favourite old couch at the Brew they couldn't believe how long it has been since they were all sat together like this.
"Wow I can't believe it's been 5 years" Hanna said shaking her head. "It feels like yesterday we were all just sat here being terrorised by A."
"5 blissful A free years" Spencer stated. "But really I just don't know why we left it this long for a reunion". She looked at her three best friends and felt a sudden pang in her heart, five years apart was far too long.
"Well all that matters is we're here together now" Aria said while looking fondly at three of the most important people in her life.
"What you thinking Em? I bet your mom is glad to have you home for awhile." Hanna said noticing how quite Emily had been since they sat down.
Emily sat with her legs curled up on the chair wearing a gloomy look. "Yeah she's happy, she's been pretty lonely in the house by herself since dad died. I'm glad I'll get to spend some time with her but I don't think I can stay in town very long." Emily said in a deadpan tone.
Hanna, Spencer and Aria all shared a look amongst each other, something was wrong. This was very unlike Emily, she seemed very withdrawn and down since the moment they all met up.
"And what's the rush back Em? I'm sure that bar your working in can manage a few weeks without you. And you're in between semesters at college. Besides I taught it be fun if we could all spend the summer here together." Hanna said full of hope that they would agree to her idea.
"Well some of us have a life to get back to Han, can't just go backwards in my life by moving back in with my mom and hanging out with my school friends like I'm 16 again." Emily said in an icey cold tone.
"Woah someone clearly got out of the wrong side of the bed" Spencer chimed in taken aback with the sudden backlash from Emily.
"I'm sorry, was a long flight, I must just be jet lagged." Emily stated, her resolve softening a bit at seeing the girls hurt by her statement. She didn't mean to snap, she was annoyed with herself by how irritate everything made her feel lately. The last thing she wanted was to be taking out her feelings on her friends.
"That's okay Em, we've all had a long day. How about we head out the Radley later? See what Hanna's mom is after doing with the place? And suss out what kind of cocktails will be good for Hanna's engagement party?" Aria offered up smiling at the idea of an evening of sipping on cocktails while catching up on her three best friends ventures over the past five years. They kept in touch during the years apart but it was usually rushed phone calls here and there. They were all so busy living separate lives in different states that with the different timezones sometimes they had to rely on a mere text every now and again. It was tough sometimes not having the support they used have for one another but they could always rely on each other in the event of a crisis. All the girls agreed that a night of drinking and catching up sounded perfect so they agreed on a time to meet at the Radley and made their way out of the Brew to head home and get ready for the night ahead.
_
Later that night the four girls all met at the Radley. Hanna's mom was now manager of the Radley hotel. In the 5 years the girls had been gone it had been transformed from the old sanitarium into Rosewoods finest hotel. It was almost unrecognizable to the girls as they walked through what used be the old creaky gates into this fancy new 5* hotel. The downstairs contained a fancy cocktail bar where soft music played in the background. As the girls were now 21 they were able to legally sit around sipping on strawberry daiquiris at their ease.
"Man this is nice. Who would a taught they could make this place half decent". Hanna expressed in amusement. Looking around in disbelief at the posh décor that Radley now possessed.
"I dunno, it still has that feel. I can feel all the memory's and bad things that happened. I don't think that will ever really go away. It has this air about it." Spencer confessed with a hollow look in her eye. Cleary her head gone back to the time she had spend behind these walls.
"Well all that's in the past so here's to forgetting all the crappy things that happened and to having a good night". Aria said raising here glass up to the girls. It was true that they had gone through a lot in their teens growing up in Rosewood but now that was all behind them and there was no longer any A, it was time to move on and stop fretting on the past. As the girls sat around sipping drinks and catching up on the past 5 years they slowly fell back into old habits and it was as if they had never been apart.
"So Hanna, come on how's things with Jordan? I can't believe you're engaged!" Aria squealed in excitement as she took hold of Hanna's left hand and studied her engagement ring.
"It's amazing. He's amazing. And this ring, damn have you seen this ring, cause it's pretty amazing." Hanna said in complete bliss as she pulled her hand from Aria's grip to offer Spencer and Emily a closer look.
"Well I for one am just happy you decided to have your engagement party here in Rosewood." Spencer smiled.
"Yeah we'll it's seems it's the only way I was able to get the four of us back together here again. And I taught it would be nice, like old times." Hanna said clearly pleased with her idea.
"When is Jordan getting here Han?" Emily asked as she looked down into her cocktail glass stirring the ice with her straw. Hanna couldn't help but still see how down and sad Emily looked. They were best friends yet she didn't seem at all excited to be back here to help celebrate one of the best things that had happened in Hanna's life. Hanna couldn't shake a feeling that something was wrong that she wasn't telling them.
"He had a meeting in New York so he'll be here in a day or two. Em, want to come get more drinks with me?" Hanna asked glaring at Emily with questioning eyes. Emily knew by the look and tone of Hanna's voice that they were not just going getting drink's, she knew her best friend was watching her closely all night and was after picking up on her mood.
"Sure". Emily said hesitantly and slowly headed to the bar with Hanna. Aria and Spencer exchanged a bemused look wondering themselves what was going on.
"So what you want to get this time, a sex in the beach, a martini a.." Emily started trying to delay the inevitable grilling that was about to come. She was interrupted mid sentence by Hanna.
"What's going on with you?" Hanna blurted out, folding her arms across her chest and glaring Emily straight in the eye.
"Nothing Hanna I told you it's been a long day and a long flight and I'm just tired". Emily offered up avoiding Hanna's gaze. Emily had always been a bad liar.
"Cut the bullshit Em, I know you. I know when something's bothering you." Hanna said her voice full of concern.
"It's been 5 years Hanna, maybe you don't know me all that well anymore. I don't know how you can all just come back here and act as if it's great. I'm here and everywhere I look I just see memories. All these bad memories and feelings that I left behind and I'm not back here a day and I can already feel everything rushing back to me like a wave. I just don't know how you are all so okay." Emily said in a rush of words, she was trying so hard to hold it all together, to not be a downer for her friends on their night out. But her guard came crumbling down and she had blurted it all out before she could stop herself.
Hanna looked at Emily with a look of pure concern and confusion. She had no idea that Emily was still affected so much by the past.
"Hey Em I'm sorry I didn't realise it was hitting you so hard being back here." Hanna said feeling guilty for grilling Emily. Hanna pulled Emily into a hug. Emily relaxed into it, feeling some tension start to release.
"Come on, we'll get a few more drinks in you, you'll be relaxed in no time."Hanna said. "We all still carry it with us too Em, I just don't think we should let our past control our lives."
"I know, your right Han, just its a bit weird but I'm sure that's just because it's the first day back. Come on, let's go back over to the girls and enjoy our night." Emily offered up with a smile, not really believing her words but wanted to try and salvage some part of a good night with her best friend. She knew she had to snap out of this mood she just couldn't help but feel a heavy weight on her shoulders with all the painful memories that came with Rosewood. Memories of her dad, of A, of Paige... Emily shook her head snapping herself from her thoughts. Hanna and Emily got a round of cocktails and headed back over to Aria and Spencer. Spencer looked up at the Hanna and Emily approaching.
"All good?" She asked looking for an answer from Hanna more so than Emily in order to ensure that Em was okay.
"Yeah all good. Sorry I haven't been myself, been back here has just hit me harder then I taught it would. But let's forget about all that. We have an engagement to celebrate" Emily smiled feeling herself relaxing a bit in the company of her friends.
"Well you know the engagement isn't until Saturday " Hanna said.
"Yes but then you'll be off entertaining the whole place so this is our time to celebrate just the four of us." Aria said looking fondly at her four friends.
"Well say no more" Hanna shouted and raised her glass before downing her drink in one go. The other three girls laughed and followed suit.
It was now 1am, the four girls had put away their fair share of cocktails and we're now feeling the effects. They felt giddy and bubbly from a mixture of the alcohol hitting them and the excitement of being together as a group again.
"Well Spencer, find any hot Spanish guy while you were backpacking though Europe?" Hanna said teasingly with a suggestive raise of her eyebrows and a wink.
Spencer rolled her eyes at an ever subtly Hanna. "I did meet someone, not Spanish, actually American funnily enough. But well nothing's happened but we had a connection. The kind of connection I haven't felt since Toby. He took me be complete surprise." Spencer said with a dreamy look on her face as a smile spread out across her face.
"You look like a love sick puppy". Emily said laughing at how much Spencer was clearly after falling for this mysterious guy.
"What happened with him Spence?" Aria quizzed fishing for more details about this mysterious guy who had Spencer looking so happy.
"We travelled together for awhile, saw some amazing parts of the world, saw sunsets and sunrises together and then we got to Barcelona, it was my last stop but he had plans to travel on to Madrid so we went our separate ways. It was perfect." Spencer said clearly her mind drifting back to fond memories.
"Yeah sounds lovely and all but what about getting down and dirty?" Hanna said so openly that it made the other girls laugh. In the 5 years Hanna had not changed in that sense. Always saying what came to mind without even thinking. The girls loved that about Hanna. She had no filter, she never failed to amuse the girls and make light of a situation. "Nothing like that happened Hanna. Sure I wanted more but it was too complicated". Spencer confessed shifting her gaze to her shoes.
"I think we just make things complicated for ourselves. Like Liam and I, I swear I don't know how much longer I can hide our relationship from our boss." Aria said, concern written all over her face.
"Surely she can't stop you and Liam from having a relationship?" Emily asked seeing how torn her friend looked in that moment. It was clearly something that's been playing on her mind.
"No she wouldn't be able to stop it but I'm sure she'd do everything in her power to make our lives hell. We were warned by colleagues that she's done it before. Whatever she has against work couples I don't know but I'd just rather she didn't find out." Aria said shaking her head of all the things she could imagine Gillian making them do as punishment.
"So things are good with you and Liam?" Spencer asked.
"Things are great." Aria said with a look of pure love plastered all over her face. "In fact were going to start looking for a house together when I go back."
"That's great Aria!" Hanna, Emily and Spencer all chimed together. They each offered there congratulations to Aria.
"So that brings us to you Em." Hanna said looking at Emily with questioning eyes. Hanna had been out to visit Emily in California a few times over the five years but her love life was always pretty non-existent. Now was Hanna's chance to have a proper fish around Emily's love life.
"What about me?" Emily asked playing dumb to the statement and shifting her gaze to the floor trying to avoid the incoming questioning from a persistent Hanna.
"Who's the lucky lady in your life right now?" Spencer asked teasingly.
"There's no one." Emily said flatly. She had hoped that would be the end of the conversation but she knew she wasn't going to be left off that easily.
"That's all you're going to give us? Surely there's been someone Em?" Aria asked, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. Emily was always the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and would openly talk about her relationships. The girls had never seen her so closed off to a discussion before.
"Nope" Emily said and offered no more. She shifted uncomfortably at the unwanted attention to her love life.
"Don't give us that Em, sitting there acting all shady. Spill". Hanna urged not accepting Emily brushing off their questions that easily.
Emily knew that this quizzing wasn't going to end unless she offered them something."There's been no one special. I've dated but I mean there's no one worth mentioning " Emily said truthfully. Aria, Spencer and Hanna all shared a looked of concern for their friend. She seemed so closed off to the world.
"Em are you telling us that in the past 5 years there's been no one serious?" Hanna asked, the only one brave enough to make Emily open up to them all. Aria and Spencer shifted their gaze sensing how uncomfortable Emily was with this conversation but they knew Hanna would not let up.
"So what if there hasn't been? I'm allowed to be single Hanna. Don't look at me as if it's an alien concept." Emily said in an annoyed tone wanting this conversation to be done with.
"It's not alien Em, it's just…." Spencer trailed off catching herself before saying too much and looking away from Emily.
"It's just what?" Emily said getting more annoyed with each passing minute. She folded her arms across her chest and started to get defensive.
"It's just you haven't had a serious relationship since Paige!" Hanna almost shouted, finally relieved that what they were all thinking was finally out in the open. They all sat staring eagerly at Emily waiting for a response.
"I'm not doing this" Emily said in an ice cold tone giving a look that could kill and stood up and left leaving a shocked Hanna, Aria and Spencer sitting wondering what was going on in Emilys head.
Hanna, Aria and Spencer couldn't make out what got Emily so upset. Was it them grilling her about her love life, was it as she had said all the memories of Rosewood coming back to her, or was it the fact they mentioned Paige.
"I mean it surely can't be because we mentioned Paige, right?" Hanna questioned in confusion. She was only stating the facts to Emily, she had never actually considered that there may be more to it all. That their might be a reason she hasn't had anyone serious in her life since Paige.
"Emily and Paige haven't even been 'Paily' in what like 6 years?" She continued clearly her head going in to a tailspin of taught.
"Did you really just say Paily?" Spencer laughed looking at Hanna in disbelief.
"Ah duh, they were like an epic love. What they had deserves a name." Hanna said as if it stating the obvious.
"Well no they haven't been anything in years so surely it can't be that. Or have they? I mean they were both living in California. Is it possible we've missed something?" Aria wondered looking between Spencer and Hanna.
"Hanna did she mention anything to you?" Spencer asked hopefully. "You've been down to see her in California the most, did you notice anything was up?"
"No nothing, as far as I know that ship has sailed. It must be something else that's wrong with her. Let's not jump to conclusions. Come on, let's call it a night. We can try and solve this drama tomorrow." Hanna said getting more and more worried about Emily. She knew their was no point in trying to resolve this now, they were all a little worse for wear from the alcohol and it would be much easier solve it with clearer heads in the morning.
The three girls hugged each other goodbye and headed their separate ways home. _
Emily POV
Emily stormed off. She didn't mean to lose her cool so easily with the girls especially when it was there first time all being back together after 5 years. But she panicked. She was hearing about how great and perfect her bestfriends lives have been over the past few years and she felt herself feeling more and more worthless with each passing minute. The last 5 years have been a real struggle for Emily. College wasn't everything she had hoped for and she ended up dropping out and working at a bar. She dealt with sleezy guys every night who were trying to hit on her and mopped up puke in the bathrooms. Then she would head home about 3am to her dingy apartment that was less then appealing on the eye and sleep until it was time to get up and go to work again. She had never formed friendships like she had with these girls since. And as for her love life, it was a string of one night stands that never lead to more. Her life had turned out a far cry different from the one she had envisioned for herself here 5 years ago when they all stood on Alison's lawn and said there goodbyes. Yet she couldn't let the girls know all this. Mostly out of embarrassment. As far as they knew she worked part time in a bar and was doing her final year of physiotherapy part time in college. They all had these great jobs with great lives that seemed to be moving forward and Emily felt like she was going in reverse. Especially now that she was back home in Rosewood.
Emily walked home to sleep off the effects of the alcohol and decided it would be best to think about her next move with a clearer mind. She stumbled in the door and crashed onto her bed, taking mere moments before she was fast asleep.
The next morning Emily woke to 5 missed calls, four text messages, a searing headache and a pang of guilt at having stormed off on her friends.
Message 1: Em, we're sorry. I dunno why you got upset but you need to talk to us, help us understand. Love you- Hanna
Message 2: Hey Em, really sorry we upset you lastnight. Let's do lunch today- Aria xxx
Message 3: Hope you got home okay Em. We'll talk tomorrow. Sorry- Spencer xox
Message 4: Emily, coffee at the Brew at 11am. You better not make me come all the way over to your house and drag you out of bed, cause you know I will. Love you- Hanna
All five missed calls were from Hanna. Emily knew there was no escaping this coffee date, and she felt like she owed some sort of an explanation to the girls over storming off. She didn't know exactly what she would tell them but she definitely didn't want to spend her week her fighting with them. She knew she had to put on a brave face and just get through the next few days and then she'd be back in her dingy apartment serving beer to a bunch of sleeze bags in no time.
Emily walked hesitantly through the front door of the Brew to see Hanna, Spencer and Aria all ready sitting with coffee infront of them. This better not be an intervention Emily taught to herself. She put on the best smile she could offer and made her way over to the last empty seat at the table.
"Hey guys" she said in as bubbly a tone as she could muster up looking at her three friends. They each looked back at her with a questioning look. She knew deep down that they were not buying this bubbly façade but she carried on. "Anyone want a refill?" she asked in order to fill the silence.
"No were good thanks Em, we got you an Americano." Spencer said now smiling at Emily and nodding to the coffee cup in front of her.
"Great, thanks." Emily said still smiling, shifting her gaze now to the coffee cup unsure of her next move.
"Emily?" Hanna said in a flat tone. Emily didn't dare look up from her coffee cup because she knew now that the girls were staring intensely at her. She should have known it wouldn't be that easy to brush aside last night no matter how much she wished they would pretend that it had just never happened.
"Yeah?" Emily said her hands now cupped around her coffee as she stared at the warm liquid swivelling around.
"Okay look Em, Im going to just be blunt here, what was that last night?" Hanna said her voice full of concern.
Emily knew that the girls had her best interest at heart and would never judge her. Maybe it would be good to finally open up to someone about how she's been struggling. They had gone through so much together as a group, she knew deep down that these girls would be the last people to judge her. Biting her lip and fidgeting in her seat she tried to start talking about how her life was far from perfect but she couldn't seem to form any words.
Aria could see a look of despair in Emily's face. It was clear that something was bothering her. "Em, you know you can tell us anything." Aria said grabbing hold of Emily's hand causing her to look up from her coffee cup at last. She looked around at her three best friend and she started to open up. She explained to the girls how college didn't work out and she had dropped out. How she was now working full time at that dingy bar just to pay rent for her crappy apartment and how she felt so alone in California. How she filled that loneliness with a few flings here and there. She opened up about how she's been struggling since her dad died last year and how she really hasn't felt like herself since.
Hanna stood up and grabbed Emily into a crushing hug. "Em why did you never tell any of us. You know we'd have been on the first plane to California if we knew you were struggling. That's what best friends are for." Hanna said stepping back from Emily and seeing just how deflated she looked.
The girls sat back down and Emily continued to talk to the girls and felt the tension start to leave her body the more she opened up. "Look I know it was stupid to bottle it all up but you guys have your own lives to be living, I didn't want to drag any of you down with me." Emily expressed as the girls continued to offer support and words of encouragement.
"So what are you going to do Em?" Spencer asked now that Emily had shared everything with them and was starting to relax around the girls again.
"I don't know. I mean I have my apartment and my job in California so I guess I'll just go back there." Emily said clearly unsure as to what her next move would be.
"Well you obviously can't go back to that job Em, or California for that matter if it's making you that unhappy. You're the master of your own happiness Em, only you can change things now and I think you know that means a career change." Hanna said taken aback that Emily was even considering returning to that dive bar after expressing her loathing of it.
"I know, but I need to pay rent and it pays the bills. I will start looking for something, but what I just don't know." Emily said, clearly a lot of soul searching yet to be done.
Hanna knew that her next topic was going into dangerous territory but Emily was finally opening up to them again and seemed to have softened so she pushed on regardless. "Em, you said you feel all alone out in California, that you never made friends like you have here. But we all know there's someone in California that you know pretty damn good." Hanna said suggestively hoping that Emily would see where she was going.
"Well obviously I know people out there Hanna, I've been living there for five years after all." Emily stated clearly oblivious as to what or rather who Hanna was referring too.
Spencer and Aria exchanged a cautious look with Hanna knowing full well where Hanna was trying to lead this conversation to.
"Yeah but there's someone that you know really well out there, isn't there?" Hanna pressed wishing for Emily to just bring her up first.
Emily sat looking at Hanna in confusion when suddenly the penny dropped.
Paige….
"Hanna, please not now okay." Emily said shifting her gaze away from the girls and staring at her finger nails intensely. The mere mention of Paige always made Emily's mind race a hundred miles an hour and her breathing would become shallow. She couldn't think straight let alone bring herself to talk about her ex girlfriend.
"Emily please, don't push us away like you did last night." Hanna said with hurt in her eyes. Emily looked at Hanna and felt the sudden urge to again run away from the situation but she knew that wasn't the answer. She took a few deep breaths and sat back into her chair continuing to look at the floor and spoke softly.
"What about her?" She said quietly, she was edging on the side of caution, knowing that one wrong word and the barriers would come down and all her emotions and feelings would come rushing out. She had to keep it together, she had to remain composed.
"Well, just last night you got so upset when we mentioned her Em. What's going on?" Aria asked tentatively sensing that it would take a lot of coaxing to get any sort of answer from Emily.
Emily sighed, there was no way the girls were going to let this drop. Maybe it was finally time that she told them everything.
"Last year when my dad died, I was in California all by myself. My mom called and my whole world just came crashing down. My mom had the first flight the next morning booked for me to come home so I was just there by myself curled up in a ball in complete and utter despair. I don't know how long I just lay there crying but then I heard a knock on the door. I didn't move, I didn't even register that it was someone even knocking on my door, I was just oblivious to what was going on around me. And then I heard her." Emily said softly as her eyes began to glaze over as she stared into space as the girls listened on attentively.
"Heard who Em?" Aria asked in confusion urging Emily to go on.
"Paige." Emily said as a tear began to roll down her cheek. She wiped it away and shook her head looking up at the girls who were all sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for Emily to continue. "My mom called her because she knew I was all alone for the night until my flight the next morning. She rushed over to my apartment. I didn't see or speak to Paige in what nearly 5 years? And she came rushing to my side at the drop of a hat. I was in shock over the news of my dad and then I couldn't believe that Paige was standing there in my door step after all that time." Emily said still staring off in the distance clearly envisioning the memory.
"And then what happened?" Spencer asked, the girls mouths opened in awe at the story Emily never shared with them.
"Then she held me all night while I cried, she even booked a flight back to Rosewood so she could be with me at the funeral. And then I messed everything up." Emily said frowning now and looking down at her shoes.
"How did you mess it up Em?" Aria asked the question all the girls were longing to know the answer of.
"We got to the airport and my head was a mess. I hadn't slept, I cried in Paige's arms all through the night and I had this weird mix of emotions going on. And then as we parked the car I kissed her." Emily said still her eyes not budging from her feet as she began to chew on her nails.
"So isn't that a good thing?" Hanna asked excitedly only to realise that these events took place a year ago and there had been no mention of Paige.
"She pushed me away and said we can't do this that I was upset and it wasn't the time for this and then I freaked out." Emily said her voice getting lower and lower with each word.
"Freaked out how?" Spencer asked her forehead scrunched with worry.
"I threw it all back in her face. About how she left me four years ago and moved half way across the country, how she moved on with her life while mine seemed to continue to spiral out of control. I blamed her for all the shit things that were happening. It wasn't Paige's fault, none of it was. I was just upset over my dad and I was confused. She was so hurt. I stormed off and told her if I never saw or spoke to her again then it wouldn't be long enough." Emily said with another tear escaping her eyes.
"Em, she knows you didn't mean it. She knows it would have been your emotions talking. Did you speak to her after that?" Hanna asked.
"She texted and I ignored her and then late one night I called and some girl picked up. I panicked and hung up the phone. I realised Paige has her own life. We weren't even in touch for four or five years, the last thing she needed was me dragging her into my problems so I never called again." Emily said finally breaking her stare from her shoes and looking up at her friends who all wore a look of sadness for her.
"Em that's like the most heart breaking thing I've heard". Hanna said sadly seeing the sadness in Emily's eyes.
"Yeah well, that's in the past now too so now that you know can we please just stop mentioning Paige and move on from this conversation?" Emily asked hopefully with a smile that portrayed nothing but sorrow behind it.
"Do you still love her Em?" Hanna pressed on, knowing that soon Emily would shut this conversation down once and for all.
"I'll always love her." Emily admitted with a shrug and a small smile. "But what we had is over, so moving on!" She said eager to wrap up this conversation.
Hanna, Aria and Spencer stole a glance of one another, each feeling their heart pang with sadness for Emily's confession. Hanna knew that it was time to drop the subject, for now anyway. They had grilled Emily enough, anymore and she was likely to storm off on them again. Hanna's mind was already forming a plan, her best friend deserved to be happy. And if she wasn't going to go out there and make it happen for herself then Hanna was going to just have to do it for her.