Title: Things I'll Never Say
Summary: You were my everything; I needed you to breathe.
Rating: K+
Warnings: n/a
Word Count: 2560
Disclaimer: Yeah, don't own any of it. Song belongs to Jack's Mannequin. Characters belong to Disney.
A/N: This is a REPOST. I did NOT steal this story. My penname used to be ZOMBiiSLAYERx3. R&R—I'll return the favor!
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words
Inside my head
That was the first day I was going to-- I mean Hannah was going to see you-- in forever. Romania was thousands of miles away, but then you were back in Malibu. Even though I wasn't going to be plain, old Miley that day, I felt the obligation to look perfect, to be perfect. I wanted to show you that I was the one, that I had waited for you… even though I wasn't Miley.
Walking over to the beach, I kept forgetting I was Hannah. I wanted to tell you so badly who, what I really was. I couldn't do that though. That could ruin everything. Through your months in Romania, you'd called and e-mailed Hannah in confidence about your problems. What would I say to you if I came out and you realized that you'd been telling all your problems to one of the problems? I guess I'd eventually I'd have to tell you if we went anywhere… I hoped that we did.
You saw me first, even though my eyes were wandering frantically across Rico's and the beach. You smiled and waved, I followed the suit. I made it to the bar when fans mobbed us both. Jackson saw what was happening and hid us behind the bar, even though it could get him fired. We sat for a minute, catching our breath before turning to each other and laughing.
"I'm surprised you're out so soon," I'd said. You'd only gotten back from Romania two days ago, the jet-lag still had to be a pain in the butt. You laughed and shook your head.
"I figured I'd have to get out sooner or later."
We talked for a while longer, exchanging horror stories about fans over the last couple weeks. About how they'd become picture craving and autograph crazed. In all honesty, the fans had become crazy recently. I could barely step out of a limo without being hounded by the paparazzi and the press.
I was going to get up and leave after a while, I had to meet Lilly at the skate park. I was about to say goodbye when you grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down, preventing me from getting up. You looked at me seriously when you said, "Hannah, will you go out with me?" I looked at you, stunned. Finally you said, "Look, that came out wrong. My agent think that it's a good idea if we date. Good for publicity that is."
"So fake-date?" I asked. You nodded and my stomach dropped. "What about that school girl? What's her name… Millie?"
"It's Miley… and, well I don't know. She's so down-to-Earth. I thought about it the entire time I was in Romania and I just don't think that it'll work out between us. Plus, it isn't fair to her if I continually have to go away every time we kiss," you said. My mind spun and my heart hurt. I'd been waiting for you to come home, to ask me out, and to kiss me again.
I thought about it for a moment before responding, "Sure. I'll 'go' out with you."
My mind was blaring. The amount of thoughts floating around in it sounded deafening. I wasn't sure if I could handle this, if I could handle you without losing it. We stood up together and thanked Jackson for the hiding place. As we exited behind the bar of Rico's, hands melded together as if they were one, we found that the press had waited for us.
Flashing lights and loud questions came at us from every which directions. You did all of the talking, I stood there and smiled as if it was my place. I retreated to my thoughts and the kept telling me to tell you. To take you home with me and tell you everything. That I was Hannah Montana, that I was sorry that I'd betrayed you, that you had been talking to me the entire time you spent in Romania, that I had waited for you, and that I didn't deserve this.
I felt jilted.
I was late to meet Lilly and by the time I got to the skate park I was still dressed as Hannah Montana and the competition was just ending. Lilly was mad, really mad and I didn't know what to tell her. I rushed forward in a frenzy and pulled here away into my Hannah limo.
I told her about you, about what I'd just agreed to do. I started crying, something I swore I'd never do for a boy. I felt so hurt and so mad. We came up with a plan against you. When you started school again, Miley was going to be the perfect girl for you and Hannah was going to be the complete opposite. It was going to work, it had to.
If not, I didn't know what I was going to do.
I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Because I know you're worth it,
I know you're worth it
I started the plan immediately. Lilly and Oliver helped me as much as they could, but this was my fight for you. As much as I loved my friends, no matter how hard they tried, only I could win you over in the end. I guess it was more of a pride thing than anything else. Nevertheless I was going to win you over.
Miley always had the answers to your questions, she was nice and polite, she laughed at your jokes no matter how bad, and she tried to treat you like a human being. Hannah was always late, she swooned over other boys, she snubbed you off to talk to other people like Tracy. Miley was always happy and Hannah was always angry. Yet you stayed with Hannah.
One day, I was so tired from being Hannah I was almost sick in homeroom. Every now and then my stomach would flip so bad, I thought I was going to lose the glasses of champagne I shouldn't have had the night before. Our homeroom teacher didn't notice though.
Lilly kept slipping me Tums and Oliver kept telling me to cut this out or I'd really make myself sick, and not just hung over. You asked me if I was alright and I smiled, saying that I was fine and had never been better. You knew I was lying to me when you found me throwing up in the hallway after third period.
I thought I had unintentionally made a breakthrough with you, only to find that you were so repulsed by me that night at a party that I'd snuck out to be at.
But I can say what I wanna say
I say I wanna blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
And I can see what I wanna see
I wanna see you go down on one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
I became obsessed with you. Everything I did, everything I said, everything I breathed revolved around you. Never in a million years would I have stooped this low for a guy, but you were my first love and I was falling hard and I was falling fast. Too bad the only people there to catch me were Lilly and Oliver… for a while.
After a while they got sick of the whole "you" thing and they didn't exactly ditch me, but we didn't do half as many things together. We became the most loved couple in Hollywood. They called us "Hannake" and we were the cutest thing since… "Jacksannah." We soaked up the publicity up and I could see us going on forever and forever.
I stopped trying to be the "unperfect" Hannah and instead focused on making he perfect. She was my everything, my own baby… or maybe monster. Suddenly, nothing but Hannake mattered to me and even Jackson started to notice that something was wrong.
Every night I'd dream about us and about our future. I'd dream about our wedding and about our future kids. I imagined us growing old and sitting on a porch of an old farmhouse in rocking chairs. I even went as far as to imagine our tombstones together with my father's and my mother's. Not that I wanted to die… I just couldn't really help it. It was like I was possessed.
It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you?
What's on my mind?
If it ain't coming out,
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I
Tell you that I care
You and I started to fight all the time. In the public's eye we were still perfect, in interviews they asked if we were planning on getting engaged after high school, had we started to pick out baby names, but behind closed doors… that was a completely other story. We'd fight over the stupidest things. Like what we were going to wear to a premier or a party.
One night you just lost it. "What's with you Hannah? It's like you're a different person. What's happened to us? Why is this happening?"
I almost lost it. I'd imagined myself a million times over and over again telling you, but that night it was completely clear. I could see it happening. "Stop calling me Hannah, Jake! My name is Miley, it's Miley. It's always been Miley and it always will be Miley! Hannah Montana isn't real. You've been with me all along, you've been with plain, old Miley."
Instead I said nothing to you. I told your limo driver to pull over. You kept asking me what I was doing. I didn't answer you, if I looked at you I was going to be sick. This wasn't what I signed up for. I didn't deserve this relationship. I couldn't do this anymore. Finally I got him to pull over and I climbed out of your limo, miles from home.
You fought with e through the window. Telling me to get back into the car, to stop being so stupid. I cried, I cried hard and you didn't do anything to help me. You just kept telling me to get in the car or you were leaving me. So I told you to leave, I told you to go. I was left in the dust of your limo, miles from home with nothing but a cell phone. I called Lilly.
And I knew we were over.
What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say
I tried to tell you at school several times. I tried to say I was sorry for acting the way I did. I knew that things would never be the same, but after the break-up I missed you. Whether or not we were ever a real couple in your eyes, we felt real to me. I missed your company, even the stony silence. You were like my drug, my addiction. I needed you for everything, I needed you to breathe.
Every time I came close at school you were miserable. I don't if it was the Hannah-thing or something else, but breaking the news felt like I'd be breaking you… and more than it would if you were in a good mood.
I didn't know what to do. Lilly spent countless nights with me in the Hannah closet watching me cry and look like a complete baby. Finally I had an idea. I had stuff of yours, a couple sweatshirts and jackets. You'd left CD's and DVD's at my house. I had to give them back sometime. I told you to come to my concert and I'd give it back afterward.
When were in my dressing room after you were angry, I was surprised you had even shown up. I took a deep breath and walked toward you. I asked you to sit down and you said you only wanted your stuff. I said I had something to tell you and you said that you could take it standing up. I said that was your funeral and you tried to leave. I grabbed your wrist. "Don't go. This is hard for me."
The words got caught in my throat and I felt like I was going to die. I'd been trying to do this for months now, for almost a year and now it was going to happen. Finally I found my voice. "I'm Miley Stewart, not Hannah Montana."
"What?" you asked in shock. I swallowed, feeling tears coming to my eyes. I reached up and pulled off my wig, letting my curls fall down around my face. I flung the stupid wig across the room and I let a shudder run through my body. I looked to Jake and he looked shocked, hurt, and used.
"I'm Hannah Montana. I always have been. Every time you talked to Hannah, you talked to me. I didn't mean to deceive you at first, but when you said things wouldn't work between you and me I felt like I had to. Jake I love you so much. I know that most of the time it doesn't seem like it, but I do and now I bet you hate me," I said rambling on.
You sunk down into a folding chair, taking in big gulps of air. You didn't say anything, you didn't look at me. My heart shattered at that moment, but my spirit was relieved in a way. When you finally did look at me, I could see that you were crying too.
"I thought I loved Hannah. Does that mean I love you? I thought that you were an annoying person. You'd become just another fan girl and I couldn't find any reason to like you anymore. How am I supposed to feel about all of this?" you asked. You rubbed his hands up and down your face, wiping away tears. I folded my arms across my chest and hugged myself close. Ouch, that hurt, but probably not anywhere near as much hurt as I'd caused you.
"Jake, I don't know what to tell you other than I'm sorry. I know that it's probably not any consolation," I said. You just looked at me.
We sat in silence, an awkward, dead silence. I didn't know what to do and I definitely didn't want to say anything else. Eventually you got up, took your stuff, and left. As soon as the door clicked behind you, I grabbed a pillow and screamed as hard as I possibly could. I screamed until I had no voice. I fell asleep in my dressing room and I woke up the next morning in bed.
I picked up my Miley-phone and tried to call you, but you didn't pick up. I groaned and fell backward into my pillows. Throwing the covers over my head, I tried to block out the world around me.
Am I squeezing you tight?
Yeah I'm wishing my life away,
With these things I'll never say.