If I go, a true blood fanfic

Hey guy's it's very different to anything I've ever done before but I hope you like it. Please feed the review whore she's thirsty for them reviews. And I haven't decided if I'll one shot this or not yet but yeah review's will really help me in deciding. Happy reading.

xXx

"Push Pamela push!" Come's a voice, that gentle voice, of a nun. And I do as she says, well at least I try to, But it's difficult. I feel as if I'm being torn apart from the inside out. My lower half stretching to the extremes, Burning and abusing my body with a pain similar to that of silver. Is this a dream or simply a memory? I don't know. All I know is that I'm here, here in the now that is 1899. And the pain, the pain is unbearable sizzling like hell's flames through my entire form. "I can't!" I all but scream out growing frustrated with the woman's commands, this fucking woman. I would tear her apart if I wasn't in so much agony. Her comments about god irritate me and I want so desperately to snap her neck but the waves of discomfort cascading through my body right now are disabling me from doing so. All these women ever talk about is god. Who the fuck is god? Where was he? where was god when my uncle Harry had his hand down my knickers, when he would come into my room at night and violate me? God wasn't there when Harry said people would die if I told anyone. But, perhaps god was here, perhaps he was punishing me for the way I lived life back then, for the way the child was conceived. Because I was doing what I had to do. I had no other choice but to take to the night when my mother threw me out after finding out I was with child. And this dream sends the memories flooding back.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb

The effort of child birth is all too much for my sixteen-year-old body. Mature for its age mind you. And somewhere in the mist I cry out my own personal god's name. "Eric!" but no one seems to hear it, so I scream the syllable louder. Still nothing. Just more pain, bright red and searing hot. The other women in the room move around like mechanical toy's, robotic and almost synchronised with each other. And I feel the bed sheets wet beneath me once again. My eyes widen, It's coming. It's coming now!

Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

"the child is crowning the woman say's" And I hear a muffled sound that resembles a sob. And It takes me a moment to acknowledge that the ongoing sounds of distress are coming from me. I think I'm ready to wake up now, So I squeeze my eyes shut willing myself to come to from this nightmare. And Everything stop's, the pain subsides and I know I'm back home, Back in Fangtasia. I'm peaceful, I'm…okay. But then that Pain spring's forth again strong and unforgiving, My eye's fly open taking on the same scene. I blink a couple more time's but the memory refuses to fade. What's going on? why can't I wake up?

Wake me up
Wake me up inside
I can't wake up
Wake me up inside
Save me
Call my name and save me from the dark
Wake me up
Bid my blood to run
I can't wake up
Before I come undone
Save me
Save me from the nothing I've become

"Pamela, can you hear me, you passed out" The nun from earlier says to me and my eye's snap to her frail form, when the next wave comes forcing a sharp gasp from my lips. I grip the protruding abdomen in front of me. My chest pounding, My heart? I can feel it hammering against my rib cage, why is my heart pounding? And I'm hot really hot, I'm sweating.

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me

Why does this dream feel so real?

"Come on sweetie push" I look to my right and see a face I haven't seen in over one hundred years. Liz. The madame of the brothel I had seeked shelter from. I shake my head. This is wrong, this is all wrong. I shouldn't be here, I'm in the wrong time surely this is an intense dream. I go to argue but I'm struck with another contraction, and this one's so intense that it forces my body, against its will, to push. I bore down into my lower body straining and moaning as I do.

Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

"This is all fucking wrong," I breathe out once I've caught my breath "Where the fuck is Eric?"

The demand goes unnoticed by all other three women yet again and I lose my my precious self control despite the agony I'm in. I grab one of the nuns by her veil pulling the entire thing off, and practically growl at her "Are you deaf? I said where the fuck is Eric?"

The elderly woman blinks at me, And that's when Liz step's back in. "Pamela my dear, what you need to do is push" I swallow hard at her answer feeling a thick lump form in my throat, my eye's burn.

"What?" I say more to myself than anyone else in the room. My head hurt's, I feel sick, dizzy, and not just because of the contractions. I'm freaking the hell out. Okay Pam calm down think, breathe. What's the last thing you remember before you, before you woke up here? I force my mind to fly back to a place where I remember talking with Sookie about Eric's whereabouts which proved completely fruitless and ended up with me screaming that she was "completely useless"

Before the gap-toothed gash decided to be of some actual use.

Then we left Eric's house to locate the one person I knew had to be involved in his disappearance, That fucking bitch Marnie. Sookie and I located her at the festival of tolerance. I know, pretty fucking ironic since the hole place and every one it was intolerable.

We came face to face with Glenda the good, not! and Eric was there, behind her. He was right there in my reach, standing there like a fucking robot. I could tell something was seriously wrong. He wasn't himself she had done something to him, I didn't know what but I could feel it in the bond, I could see it. I didn't think, I just acted. All I wanted was to get Eric as far away from Marnie as possible. So, I attacked, the last thing I saw being Marnie striking a Bruce lee type move before…before I felt a snap in the bond, like it broke or something. It was dark…and then, then I was here. Here in my fucking past…No she, she couldn't have. Could she? Was it even possible?

"Pamela, do you want your baby to die?" The nun who was located between my legs practically screamed at me breaking me from my silent revolution.

What I wanted was to wake up.

I stared at the elderly woman. This couldn't be happening to me! No I was being irrational, paranoid. There was no way in hell- my thoughts fly out the window as the agony come's again ten times worse and I bore down, hard. I can't help it. "That's good!" Liz say's stroking my hairs and I growl at her only to moan and groan incoherently through the long agonising moments of pushing. It felt like fucking hours until the nun, I remembered as sister Constance Theresa said:

"Okay Pamela on this next contraction I want you to push as hard as you can, and please do not forget to breath" I squeeze my eyes shut. Because I'm dreaming. I must be dreaming. No witch was powerful enough to-

"The head's out" The nun shouts and I collapse back against the pillow panting and whining softly.

WAKE UP!

I can't do this anymore. I need this to stop. I just want to wake up, go to work, watch Eric from across the bar as he sits in his rightful throne, serve pathetic human punters, and maybe, maybe even get laid. Please just let this nightmare end. Please, please.

Bring me to life
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside
Bring me to life

"Not long now Pamela"

I hear Liz's voice and almost jump out of my skin when I feel hand's clasp around my ankle's forcing my legs against my chest in a position rubber ruby would be proud of. "This is a dream. I'm dreaming this isn't real" I groan shaking my head and feeling tear's run from the corners of my eyes. Disgusting salty clear human tears.

"I want to wake up!" I scream when I'm struck with another contraction.

"Pinch yourself" Liz laughs and I want to kill her. But in this moment, I'm too weak. Glued to the bed Paralysed with the burden labour pains, I'm so fucking ready to wake up now. "One more push Pamela!" I hear the woman on my left cry as she looks down to examine my lady parts and I scream at her in raw anguish. My mouth not even forming words before my body is submitted to a huge forceful gush that reseeds downwards with the burning prickling sensation I felt when I first woke up here. And then there is no more pain.

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

The sound of an Infant's dry angry cries bounce off the walls of the quiet candle lit room. And I'm left trembling, ashamed and afraid. I press my clammy hands to my eye's in a panic. I don't want to see it, not again. I didn't want to see it then…and I don't want to see it now.

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems

Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here

And then It hit's me. It hits me so hard that it leaves me reeling and nauseated. I will not be waking up from this deep slumber. I will not be waking up because, I'm dead. I didn't escape from Marnie. I'd never escaped her at all She'd killed me when she hit me with that ball of magic.

There must be something more
Bring me to life

That's why I felt that snap in the bond I shared with Eric. I had to have met the true death, And I was…I was in hell. I'm in hell. She's killed me. The revolution goes around and round in my head as the infants crying comes closer. And at this point I'm bawling just as much as it is. Shaking my head my hands bawled into fists as I scream:

"No! no! no!" Until I can taste blood.

Wake me up
Wake me up inside
I can't wake up
Wake me up inside
Save me
Call my name and save me from the dark

I remember this. They're going to try to force it into my arms. They're going to try and force him into my arms. Harry's son, uncle Harry's son, My incest bastard rape child. That I'd told no one about not even Eric. You know Some people say their lives flash before their eyes before they die. I'd flashed backwards, curtsy to Marnie. to a life I'd literally killed myself to get away from. A life I'd tried to forget about.

Wake me up
Wake me up inside
I can't wake up
Wake me up inside

The child starts to grizzle again and my face crumples as I too sob. I feel the bed dip beside me and open my eye's taking care not to look at the infant As I look to my right to see shining Black eyes. And in that moment I know I'm getting everything I deserve for All the pain and suffering I've caused to others through out my human and vampire life time.

Before I come undone
Save me
Save me from the nothing I've become

"You better get used to it down here Pam" Liz says, her voice suddenly laced with a malice that makes my blood run cold, reaching out to tuck a sweaty stray hair behind my ear. I stifle another sob in defeat my lashes heavy with tears. "Boss will be coming back soon. And your son is evidence of how impatient he can get" She adds with a leer that sends me crying into the nearest pillow. I want to go home. Back to the land of the living, Back to my maker, my saviour, my brother, my lover, my son. And I'm so close to him yet so far away. I'll never get to tell him how much...How much I love him. How much I value him. And that I don't blame him for anything I've been submitted to at the hand's of witch tonight or however long ago it happened. But I hope he knows, somewhere deep down how much he means to me.

Bring me to life
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside
Bring me to life