That night when Gus' Mom called me up and she was crying, I know what happened already. No words need to be said. I just know. Everything in my head stopped turning. I became numb. I didn't move. All I did was to tell his Mom that I was sorry too. And that night changed everything..

It was just 3 days ago. It feels like just yesterday when we had Gus laid to his final rest. I am not sure what I was and am feeling right now. What I know for sure is, it is hard. So hard to accept that he's gone. I thought I was ready for that, since I, myself, is a grenade, like a bomb that anytime can explode. But in real life, nobody and nothing can prepare you to those emotions that you will feel when someone left you. Like I said, it is really hard. It is hard to go through a day since he died. Before, I am waking up each day with an idea in my mind that I will see the great love of my life. But today, I will go and see him.. not in their house or in the Literal Heart of Jesus. Today, I will go to his grave.

Okay. Remember, Gus? Okay..

I refused my Mom's offer to drive me there. I don't want her to. If I am going to visit the only man (aside from my father) I loved, I want it to be just me, myself. I want today to be just us. Just us.. nobody else.

Can you hear this? It is one of your favourite songs.

I kept it in my car so I can play it again and again whenever I am out of the road. Why? Because I still want to have him with me , not physically I know, but the songs help me feel like he is here. He is still with me wherever I will be.

And I am near Gus, I am getting nearer to your grave.

Taking the first step towards him is always been easy, but today, it is hard. It feels like my feet weigh a ton that I could hardly lift them. But I have to, because my heart wants to be near Augustus.

I am missing you Gus, so much..

He said.. "That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt". And you know what? Pain got my attention now. I can feel it. It's like pinching your heart minute after minute, pounding your head in the wall time after time. I didn't care with all the procedures that I need to go through, or how many needles they already pinned in my skin, or how many times I am telling my lungs to be just a normal lungs.. I really didn't care about pain at all. But now, I noticed it. And it is a different pain, far different on what I thought pain was.

It really hurts Gus, it really hurts.

Now I am standing over his grave. The spot he had chosen for himself. I was always afraid to make him feel again the pain he went through when Caroline died. Reason why I keep myself away from him at first. But what can I do, Gus and I shared the same feelings. I took that risk and it was great. And I never regret loving someone like Augustus Waters.

I blushed when we were called Mr. and Mrs. Waters in Oranjee. Can you remember that Gus? I thought that time, your last name is a good fit with my first name. At least that night, I was your Mrs. Waters. That would have been great if only...

Can I lay here beside your grave Gus? I am tired of just standing.. and also I want to be nearer to you..

So this is how it feels like, lying beside Gus' grave. I can't hold back the tears trying to escape from my eyes. The pain is still here inside of me, but the thought of him loving me as the last girl in his life, brings me comfort.

Some infinities are larger than other infinities..

I love you, Augustus Waters. I really do. Okay..

Author's Note:

Please tell me what do you think about this one-shot story. :) Thank you!