(disclaimer: i apologize for any inaccuracies)
When Gregory came home from work, he was expecting to see an empty living room as so often, but today he had the pleasure of seeing Kyle there.
Kyle was sitting on the couch with a book. Gregory concluded that this meant Kyle didn't want to be alone today, which was understandable. Usually, he'd be in the library for hours, only coming out when it was dinner time.
He put the book down, making sure to mark the page he was on. Gregory forced himself to smile, as if today was a good day. Kyle probably needed any normalcy to stay sane, and if Kyle needed that, then Gregory would give it to him.
Kyle had Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, a disease that affects the nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. He would often have trouble chewing or moving an arm, and many other things. Kyle always tried to act strong, but Gregory could see that he wanted to break down and cry. If only... if only Gregory could do anything to help him. He had done so much research, but it was all for naught.
Gregory Haywood hated feeling powerless, especially when it came to Kyle. He couldn't deal being unable to fix any of Kyle's problems, he always had a solution for everything even if they were ever so small.
Yes, and even if they were ridiculous, like the one time he threatened to sue Tweek Bros., when the incompetent Tweek dumped coffee on Kyle's new Hermes Madison quilted lambskin jacket.
Kyle made a huge scene and kept mentioning how it had been an expensive gift from Gregory, always citing the jacket's full name. It made him smile at the memories. Kyle deserved to be happy, he deserved to live his life to the fullest. But now he couldn't.
It was not fair.
They had both worked so hard in their lives to be where they're at now. Is that why their life together was punished? Because they were successful? It was a cruel joke. It was no use to think about the logic of this, because there was none.
Last week, Kyle had decided to commit suicide before this disease would get any worse. It was a painful conversation, one that made Gregory scream internally, but he was acting calm, didn't make a sound, only nodded in acknowledgement. As much as he wanted to stop Kyle, it wasn't his right to. And besides, this wasn't what Kyle needed right now, someone who showed weakness and made him even more afraid. He needed someone strong, and that was what Gregory would always be.
"Hey," Kyle brought Gregory back from his thoughts, he hadn't even noticed his husband standing in front of him. Gregory embraced him and kissed his cheek like every day, at least the days Kyle decided to be there. He put his hand on Kyle's cheek, pushing a lock out of his eye with a finger, examining all of his beautiful features and even imperfections. God, how he loved him, every little detail of Kyle's existence.
No, someone like Kyle would never exist again.
"We could drive down to the ocean tomorrow if you want, just the two of us," Kyle said and he sounded fatigued. It was an odd question. 'Just the two of us'? Who else would be coming? But of course, there were no doubts, Gregory immediately knew, and it broke his heart. He knew exactly what that meant: Kyle was ready to die. He must have gone out today to get his hands on the suicide pill, just as he had planned to.
"Sounds good," Gregory said uneasily, as if he just said Kyle's death was pleasant. Kyle got on his tiptoes and kissed Gregory on the lips, before leaving, most likely getting ready for dinner.
Gregory still did not move from his spot.
Roasted chicken was one of Kyle's favorite, especially with risotto and caramelized onions. It felt macabre, his last meal. Gregory kept watching him, afraid fate decided he'd choke in the last few hours they still had.
They did not talk much. Gregory never talked about his day at work, because it might anger Kyle and remind him too clearly why he was at home.
They were silent. The only noise came from the silverware and the birds outside. Kyle went for a bottle of wine, and Gregory knew it would end in disaster. But he'd just hurt Kyle's delusion had he opened them beforehand, even if Kyle knew he couldn't do it himself.
Kyle tried opening it anyway, but it was too difficult for him and he got increasingly agitated, until Gregory decided to help him.
"Let me-"
"No, no! I don't need your fucking help!" Kyle's voice turned into a screech so suddenly and he smashed the entire bottle onto the expensive carpet. It shattered and made a mess, but what he was more concerned of was to see Kyle break down. It had been inevitable, and it hurt to watch.
Not long after that, Kyle began sobbing and Gregory jumped up to take him into his arms. He pet Kyle's red curls as he cried, relieved that he'd let him.
It was hell being useless.
And then Kyle said something so awful Gregory never anticipated him to say out loud.
"I don't want to die."
What do you say to that? To the one person that made your own life worth living? Gregory wanted to assure him a thousand times that he wouldn't die, that he'd save him.
But that would be a lie.
While Kyle had planned it, how do you deal with knowing you'll die? In all honesty, Gregory felt like he was dying with him. It was torture not being able to do anything to help. His life will be empty without Kyle. Pointless.
"I know," is all Gregory said to him, holding him in his arms. It wasn't enough. It will never be enough.
The morning was cloudy, and they didn't speak much on their way to the ocean, even if Gregory tried to have normal conversations in the car about the weather or anything.
But Kyle did not want to talk much, and who could blame him? So Gregory just stayed quiet, but he would not leave his side. His presence is all he could offer.
Nobody was there in the early morning, except for the seagulls and the sound of the soothing ocean waves. The early dawn painted the water and the sky into an orange and pink. Kyle did not move, only stared at the vastness of the sea, and he looked even more beautiful than all the other times Gregory observed him.
When Gregory reached for his hand, Kyle gave him a genuine smile, which he hadn't seen in weeks. He knew what it meant: Kyle loved him, just as much as Gregory loved Kyle. They didn't need to say it, it was there and would always be.
Both of them sat in the sand, and it felt as if hours went by without either of them speaking. Soon, Gregory would return home, to an empty house where nothing would ever be the same again. Without Kyle.
No, normalcy would never exist again without Kyle.
Kyle turned his head to look at Gregory, and his eyes were wet, it was like having a dagger in the heart and twisting it. Kyle allowed Gregory to touch his face, kiss him on the mouth and hold him against his chest, while Kyle put his face in his throat. If only Gregory could prevent Kyle's fate.
"For weeks I tried to think of what to tell you before I die," Kyle's voice came so sudden that Gregory held him tighter. "But I can't do it, there's nothing I can say that will make this any less painful."
"You don't have to, Kyle. You don't have to say anything," Gregory kissed his hair and then his forehead. Why? Why did it have to end like this? Kyle put a hand into Gregory's hair, while he got out the pill with his other.
Gregory wanted to stop him, tell him he didn't need to die, that there was another way for him. He'd make any deal with hell or whatever to save Kyle, even if it was at the cost of his own soul.
But he knew that was only a fantasy.
Kyle swallowed the pill, and he did it quickly, but Gregory could see the fear in his eyes and it destroyed him.
Kyle cried out, and Gregory held him tighter as he collapsed in his arms. It took him everything to keep from crying.
The minutes that followed felt like years, Gregory had no idea when exactly it would happen, he just held him tightly to ease his passing, to show him that he'd be with him until the very end.
He couldn't see Kyle's face, couldn't watch him suffer from the lack of oxygen, and then he was gone. Just like that. No heartbeat, no breathing.
That's how fast a life could end.
"Kyle, I'm so sorry," Gregory faltered, rocking Kyle in his arms, as if he could still get any reaction from him.
"Forgive me."
But there was no use. Kyle was no longer with him, could no longer hear him. Gregory would never again come home to see Kyle getting up from reading a book to embrace him.
He was gone, and even the birds were quiet.
There was only the sound of the ocean waves.