Hey there! I know I haven't posted in a while, but somehow I got inspired! I hope you enjoy :)
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."
-John Green
He saw her standing by the elevator. Her black hair cascaded down her back and stood out against the red of her jacket. The same hair that she had worn short and straight when she had first walked into his office. He smiled fondly at the memory. One of the rare smiles on his usually stoic face.
She must have sensed his presence behind her because she turned around.
"Hey. On your way home?"
Her voice, even, normal. Like nothing had happened.
"Yes. Hailey called, Jack won't go to sleep without me reading a story. He's been quite clingy these past few days."
He saw her tense up after he had mentioned his former ex-wife. Former ex-wife. How wrong that sounded.
The forced smile on her lips told him everything he needed to know. About her feelings and even more so about his own.
"If only you knew how much I miss you."
Her eyes shot up to meet his, the shock so plainly written on her face, he felt a pang in his heart.
I shouldn't have said that. I should not. have. said. that.
The brunette turned her head back to the stare at the elevator doors. Stubbornly she tried to look anywhere, anywhere but him. "Why would you say something like that?"
"Even if I don't say it-"
"No." He could basically hear the lump in her throat. The way her emotions got the best of her and how she desperately tried to keep them at bay. And in that moment he wanted nothing more than to grab her and kiss her and hold her and tell her just how much he cared for her. How much he loved her. And if he had the chance to hurt himself, in any way possible, he would, just so he could feel the same pain that he had caused her. The pain that was so clearly etched onto her face and had manifested itself in her eyes. The dark brown orbs, seemingly endless in their depth, that he saw in his dreams every night. He could never bring himself to forget the way they looked now. Broken. So broken that it would haunt him for the rest of his live, even if one day she decided to forgive him.
Although she had every right not to.
She spoke up, tense, on edge and with a quiver in her voice, all at once. "It was you, who left me, so could give your relationship with Hailey another try. And I accept that, really I do, and I am glad that you get to spend more time with Jack, and trust me, I wish you nothing less than all the happiness this world has to offer, but please," she inhaled slowly, shakily, trying somehow to stop this wave of emption that was crashing down on her. "Please, give me the chance to find the same."
I can't bear it. I can't bear to see happy with another. And it's selfish, and hypocritical because that's exactly what I'm doing to you, I know it, but I can't help it. I can't help loving you still.
That's what he wanted to say. But he didn't, for both of their sakes. And for the sake of his family. Neither Hailey nor Jack would deserve it, they deserved a husband, a father who was loyal to them. So he swallowed the bile in his throat. "I do. I will, I promise."
He didn't know how to but he would give everything to try. He glanced at her hands, whose knuckles were white from holding onto her bag so tightly and he knew he had to leave to give her the space she needed to break down. She would at some point. No one was able to bottle up the emotion their love had brought them forever. There was a time when she would fall apart in front of him, but that was in the past. That was before he had violated the trust he knew she had felt for him, and ripped her heart into pieces over and over again. He despised himself for it and he wished she would, too. That, he would understand and yet, after everything he had put her through she still had it in her heart to wish him all the happiness this word had to offer. Maybe she would always remain a mystery for him.
The elevator suddenly dinged and it shattered the trance he had been in. It seemed like they had waited forever.
He felt the brunette beside him starting to move towards the elevator, when he grabbed her wrist to stop her.
"Emily."
He could have said something else. He should have said something else, to be honest, but in the end he was too much of a coward to apologize. To say I'm sorry.
"I have forgotten something in my office."
He felt pathetic, really. But he knew that he could not have gotten into that elevator with her, that small confined space, without pressing her against its walls and kissing her until there was no tomorrow.
So he opted for something else. He took a step closer, gently but firmly laid his hand on the back of her head and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Goodnight, Emily."
He felt her warm, shaky breath on his collarbone, and her scent wafted into his nose, something like lavender and strawberries and yet so uniquely her that he swore he would recognize her in a crowd of a thousand people. He felt the softness of her hair, that he had touched so many times and that still managed to amaze him, because it was just as nice and silky as it looked.
He had to fight the need to put his hand on her waist and let this be something more than it already was. It wouldn't be fair to her, he was already tip-toeing on a fine line between getting her hopes up and making this the clean cut she deserved. Those heal faster, Reid said once.
"Goodnight, Aaron."
It sounded so much more like 'I love you' to both of them.
She stepped back and the elevator doors shut in front of him with a light thud, and made the words he had said seem so final, it broke his heart. For the first time since he had seen Emily waiting for the elevator, he looked around. He softly shook his head at his own behavior. Together or not, she still managed to capture his attention like no other.
He walked back into his office, not really knowing why, but he told her that he would and he didn't want to feel like he lied to her, even if it was something as simple and irrelevant as that. He passed her desk and images popped into his head, of him waiting for her to get ready so they could go home, of him putting her favorite cup of coffee with a blueberry muffin on her desk so the first thing he could see when she came in was her smile, of him hiding an invitation for dinner in her desk. He could go on forever.
He climbed the flight of stairs, unlocked his door once again this day and walked into the moderate but comfy office. His chair squeaked slightly when he let his heavy body drop onto it and took a deep breath. The photo on his desk, of his smiling five-year old gave him some of his confidence back. He had made the right decision to be there for his son, unconditionally and without limits, but that didn't make it any easier.
And while he would never regret what he did, because he needed to be with his son, whom he loved so deeply, and therefore wanted to try and be with a woman he cared for, but did not love, he was well aware of the fact that something like the relationship he had with his once-again subordinate would most certainly never happen to him again.
But in the end, they were both adults and Jack was a child. He simply needed him more.
And that's what caused him to sit here, in his dark, stuffy office, because he couldn't get into an elevator with his team mate anymore for fear that he wouldn't be able to contain himself.
He opened a drawer of his desk, that he never wanted to open again, he had even considered asking Dave to empty it for him, but didn't. He wasn't quite ready to let go of the contents yet. A tiny blue velvet box, with a ring, that had cost him more than he earned in a month. It hadn't bothered him at all when he bought it, simply because she was worth it. That and so much more.
He hadn't got the nerve to ask her, but the feeling of the small box in his pockets used to make him feel safe and content and giddy at the same time. It held a promise of their future together, of the life they were going to make for themselves, with rings on their fingers and laughter of children sounding from their backyard.
Now it only reminded him of broken promises and the plans they had made, sitting in his bed, him tracing his hands over her body. The plans that would never be realized now. It reminded him of the picture he had painted in his mind that was nothing more than an illusion now.
Beside the little box lay a photo, he believed Garcia hat taken at Rossi's home when they weren't looking. He remembered that moment as if it was only yesterday and how utterly comfortable he had felt, holding Emily in his arms, with the team, their crazy but perfect little family around them.
He ran his fingers over her face, gently, as if she was really here, then sighed.
"I love you."
He drew another deep breath, then grabbed his things and stood up. He was on the verge of closing the drawer again, but then decided against it. He picked up the picture and slipped it into the inner pocket of his jacket.
If this was the only way he could hold her close to his heart, he would do it
"To love someone enough to let them go, you had to let them go forever or you did not love them that much."
-Diana Wynne Jones
I really don't know what happened when I wrote this because normally I don't like it when there's no Happy End, but I guess in real life there isn't always a Happily Ever After, so yeah.
A huge Thank you to my dear friend Jennifer, who persuaded me to post this, and did some correcting, you are amazing!
Love, princess007