Resilience: Zoë Alleyne Washburne Chapter 1, a firefly fanfic

No copyright infringement intended. This is just not-for-profit fun. Firefly and Serenity belongs to Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox Television, Universal pictures, etc. etc. etc.

Author's Note: Thank you for reading and reviewing. This story is a companion piece to my other fic called "Chosen Family". In that one I focused on Kaylee's perspective on eventsto fill in the gap in the BDM between the battle in Mr. Universe's complex and the "fixing Serenity montage".A whole lot must've happened after the Operative's order to stand down to get to the point that everyone's injuries are healed and Serenity is ready for takeoff. This is my take on Zoe's experiences during the same time period. I didn't write as an omniscient narrator - so I tried to keep what we know about what other people are thinking/feeling to what they say or what Zoe can reasonably ascertain by observation.

I've chosen to write in a somewhat choppy style, to reflect what I think Zoe's frame of mind would be like. And while I haven't personally gone through losing a spouse, I've supported a close friend through that process. This story is sort-of one outlet for me to explore that experience.

I know Wash's death isn't a popular subject butI decided to write this as a way of dealing with the movie and the comics (both of which I was bothered by) as much as I could in my own imagination.

Cheers.

Translations:

Pò fǔ chén zhōu - Idiom "break the woks, sink the boats", meaning a no-retreat strategy

Shēng mǐ zhǔ chéng shú fàn - Idiom "the rice is cooked", meaning what's done is done

Tā mā de - f***ing

Nǐ búshì dōngxi - You're less than human

Qù xià dìyù - Go to hell

一 Yī: Zoe, are you here?

"You s'pose he got through. You think Mal got the word out?"

"He got through. I know he got through."

To say it out loud like that, she believed it. She had to. Clinging to this shred of hope. This tenuous rope; rising like a lifeline out of the waves of despair that nudged at her edges. The reason for all of this. The reason to justify all the loss. He must get the signal through or else it had all been in vain. It was the only thing keeping her from succumbing to the oppressive weight of the ocean that wanted to drag her down. And she could let it. It would be so easy to just let go…

Do you really think any of us are gonna get through this?

It was eerily quiet. An eye in the storm. Once the blast door had shut they could no longer hear what was going on outside. The elevator remained stubbornly silent. This wasn't over yet.

We're still here. How is that, gorrammit? This was supposed to be it. This was the last mission. The last stand. All in. Nothin' left to lose. Pò fǔ chén zhōu. Do the job, sir. Hold. Hold…

Zoe passed her eyes over each of their sorry number. Numb as she was, she felt the sting of an officer's responsibility for those under her protection, the pang of tenderness for those she cared about, and the prick of guilt over forgetting them in a moment of selfish vengeance.

Zoe, git yer ass back on the line!

She amended her previous thought - there was still more to lose before the day was out. How much more could she endure today? They were perched on the knife's edge. They were out of ammo. The blast door could open any moment. The life was slowly bleeding out of Simon. Kaylee faded in and out of consciousness. She might likely never see Mal again. Surely not River. They could do nothing for her. They could do nothing for Wash…

She felt the tendrils of emptiness teasing at her heart, her lungs, the pit of her stomach – reaching, constricting, winding their way.

And then a tug on that tenuous rope.

The elevator and the captain's return.

"Sir?"

"It's done."

Relief.

Shēng mǐ zhǔ chéng shú fàn.

If they died now, at least they'd take the gorram Alliance down with them. If they died now, she wouldn't have to face the void.

"Report," he asked.

What could she say?

"River?"

They had lost enough people together that she didn't need to answer him. She steeled, as she had always done; hacked back the tendrils with one slash of a machete at the sound of the blast door opening and the inconceivable was revealed.

River…how in the verse? What happens now? Them Feds are right to be twitchy seein' as what remains on the floor. She did it for her brother, she did it for us all, she did what I wanted to do, tā mā de Reavers. Nǐ búshì dōngxi, qù xià dìyù.