Disclaimer: Some material in this story may be offensive. It contains graphic language, fantasy violence, and implied romance. Some of the themes may also be suggestive or adult in nature. However it was not the author's intent to offend nor alienate anyone, simply tell exciting, humorous, and romantic tales based in the world of James Cameron's Avatar, which the author holds no rights to. This work is intend under the parody laws and does not claim any ownership of nor connection to the Avatar properties or its creators/affiliates and so forth. This is a work of fan fiction and is the second such the author has uploaded to the site and hopes the reader will enjoy the tale, any feedback is appreciated.
Pandoramonium
By Paul Midnight
I: "Getting the Hang of it."
"Psst. Pssst. Hey Jake." Jake's eyes fluttered open, his ears swiveling, searching for the source of the noise. He didn't have to look far. The voice hissed at him from directly above, its owner peeking over a tree limb with only his fingers, nose, and eyes visible… as well as a curtain of hair hanging around Jake like a silver cloud. Jake groaned internally, shifting in his hammock trying not to disturb the body of his mate Neytiri who lay next to him. "Psst, Jake, psssssst!" Neytiri smiled with her eyes closed. Despite the obvious stealth inherent in the process, the "whisper" was anything but, being the type that could be heard on stage from the very back row. Yawne; Jake's would be partner in crime on Pandora; the crime of too many cat puns and smurf jokes. The gigantic, even by Na'vi standards, hunter slash gamer slash warrior slash hero who was a senior tester for the Avatar program when it started, got trapped in his Avatar body due to the link being interrupted, and gave his life to drive the RDA out with Eywa, who then mercifully gave it back to him. He was wider in the shoulders then any Na'vi Jake had ever seen, and much stronger than any Na'vi needed to be.
His body was the first Avatar, created with the additive side goal of being a perfect RDA puppet warrior, called the Prometheus Project. A super Frankenstein monster that could be manipulated into following the orders of the light-years away RDA. Things didn't go as planned; in the time before he lost his life for Eywa, Yawne was bond cut, and his body severely scarred- including severe scars upon his face, trailing scars on his arms legs and five great scars upon his back like the bones of an Ikran wing- and his skin color drained by sickness to a pale grey, leaving the white scars outlined by the lost pigmentation in blue in the appearance of lightening bolts. Thankfully Eywa had given him back his body which was lost in a terrible cave in, somehow combining it with his dead human body, which Quaritch himself buried. The result was a re-grown braid but all of his hair was now an aged grey, with a youthful luster, giving it a silver sheen. Yet he was still just as youthful and healthy as any young adult… and twice as active.
"Jake look out there's a snake in your boot! or something…" The voice again 'whispered'. Jake hid his smile under his hand as he wiped his face, Neytiri purred against him, still not opening her eyes but tilting her ears toward him.
"You know he will not leave until you wake." She half mumbled for his ears only.
"Even being near the same age as me, the guy never seems to sleep. Would it kill him to let me sleep in once in a while?" Jake groaned melodramatically; Neytiri poke/dug into him with her fingers.
"I believe it was you who said the two of you would go count the number among the Sturmbeest herds this morning? Something about important responsibility to the clan?" She mumbled against his skin, sending a shiver down his spine and tail, but again the insistent voice above him, only this time in a higher pitch.
"Oh no Jake, It's Timmy and I've fallen down a well! Someone send for my faithful viperwolf Lassy!" Jake couldn't stop the chuckle this time, especially with Neytiri digging her fingers into his sides and now looking at him with the same fangy grin.
"Good morning Yawne." Neytiri turned over to look up. There was a slight gasp and the curtain of silver withdrew slightly along with the fingers, nose and eyes. She paused a second, Jake and her watching for a long moment.
"You're not fooling anyone you know." Jake finally said. A strange sound greeted their ears; meowing. Jake hid his snicker while Neytiri looked at him in puzzlement. "This is the part where you're suppose to say, 'Oh, it's just a cat.' And go back to sleep." He filled in for her, then raised his voice. "But there are no cat's on Pandora." There was the sound of snapping fingers. A short beat, and then the clearly audible sound of a hooting owl followed. Jake chuckled without sound, his belly lifting Neytiri in his silent hiss of laughter. Neytiri smiled brightly, settling back down into Jake shoulder;
"If you do not go soon the herds will pass, do not make me push you out." She grinned. Jake was about to answer when the voice above continued.
"Let's find out, ah won-huh, a-tahoo!" Jake interrupted;
"Alright I'm up, I'm up." He said to both of them. Shifting to catch his balance before he was pushed hundred of feet below, or laughed himself to death. The curtain of silver hair withdrew completely and Yawne popped his scarred face over the limb again.
"Morning Neytiri." He truly whispered sweetly. She smiled at him allowing Jake to heave himself up and over the limb. "Peyral wants to show you her new bow when you get the chance." He said in the same gentle whisper. Jake hefted himself up to his level.
"Why can't you wake me up that nicely?" He said with faux offense. Yawne and Jake left Neytiri's field of vision but not before she heard Yawne reply in an old withered voice.
"I never made it without biting." She didn't bother to hide her laugh as she snuggled back into the warmth left by Jake's departure.
…
"Hey Jake, you remember Drive in Movies? Oh those were a blast back in the day, so Retro."
"Nope, wasn't much of a Blueray man, too old fashioned." Jake slowly scanned the vast jungle before him, his eyes carefully set on a clear swath of grass land punctuated by a few trees.
"But you are blue, Jake." Yawne replied. Jake smirked, keeping his eyes peeled. It was true, he had suggested they both go out to the far reaches and count the size of the Sturmbeest herd; it was a serious matter too, knowing the size of the herd would tell the Na'vi of the health of it, as well as the time of their mating cycle and thus help them decide how much hunting of it they could do, if it needed culling or if they should leave them alone for another year.
"I'll tell you what I miss, professional sports." Jake mused, crouching on the tree limb so he was well hidden. "You ever go out for sports?" Yawne considered a moment;
"Naw, I was more of a Video Games person, but I did enjoy simulated golf, skating and watching the X-Games." Jake tilted his head thoughtfully;
"Extreme sports huh? I never would have guessed. Too bad we couldn't form a Na'vi basketball team though, just imagine the dunks… or a foot ball team, with your shoulders you'd be one hell of a line backer."
"Who me? Ah no I couldn't." Jake smiled good naturedly;
"Aw come on sure you could. How much can you bench?"
"The whole game unless the coach puts me in." His voice snickered. Jake put on his easy grin. "Besides when would we ever find the time? Just sitting out here is vacation enough, this is about as close to the fishing people used for relaxation back on earth. Only without the Styrofoam or beer cans." Jake pursed his lips, wondering if he truly missed the variety of alcohols he'd gone so long without now. But Yawne was right, it was peaceful out here, high in the trees, watching for animals to pass. They sat in silence a moment longer when the thought he just had tickled Jake slightly. Yawne, that was his newest and apparently his most permanent name, even though he apparently had several.
"Love huh?" Jake said aloud.
"hmm?" Yawne answered.
"So you're name is really love?" Jake put it to him, "and you don't find that a little weird? I mean, sure it's Na'vi, but you know, sounds like a soul brother."
"Well sure, if this was the ancient seventies, but you aren't thinking of introducing disco to the Na'vi are you?" Jake could hear the smile in Yawne's voice. "Stayin' alive, stayin' alive." He began, Jake quickly cut him off.
"You start singing and you'll scare away the Sturmbeests." He said with the same wide grin. Yawne sounded shocked;
"Well excuse me Mr. Sully, but which of us has been on Pandora longer? Who has lived in its jungles, hunted the mightiest of its beasts and lived to tell the tale longer eh? I'll have you know I have more stealth in my little lost pinkie fingers then you do in that swirly tail of yours." Jake turned to look at him finally.
"You know it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you're hanging from a tree limb on your belly with your arms, legs, and head hanging off either side like a wet towel." Jake smiled; Yawne twitchedhis tail, his face and voice hidden by his silver hair.
"I'll have you know, Toruk Makto, I am imitating the camouflage behavior of the rare Pandoran Giant Sloth; whose back is grey with algae that glows bright green in the night as to hide it during the day and among the lights at night, invisible in visibility, thank you very much." For a split second Jake wondered if he was serious, Jake had certainly heard a great deal about his stealth capabilities, and Jake had not been on Pandora as long as he had and he didn't know about all the wildlife there… but, this was Yawne he was talking too and he really was hanging off the tree like wet laundry.
"Bulllllllshhet." Jake sing-songed, Yawne remained stock still.
"I shall now imitate its majestic mating cry." He then went on making high pitched kissy noises, and saying the word 'slothy slothy'. Jake could help but laugh loudly this time, joined by Yawne. The pair of "hunters" relaxed in the morning sun, hot on their bodies but for the shade of the tree they rested in. Yawne still clung from the branch in his ridiculous pose.
"You know that can't possibly be comfortable." Jake finally added after watching him for a while. Yawne allowed his tail to swish gently from side to side.
"And how would you know? Have you ever tried it?" Jake considered for a moment, once again half believing and also cursing his gullibility.
"You just want to see if you can make do it, and then tell Neytiri we were both just hanging around." Jake said. Yawne curled his tail to one side.
"No no, it's really very convenient." Jake furrowed his brow unbelieving.
"How? Your face is not even pointed in the direction of the clearing, and even if you lifted your head your hair would be in the way. You're going to make me count all the Sturmbeests myself if you keep that up fo-"
"There's one." Yawne interrupted, his tail lifting slightly. Jake snapped his head forward, but sure enough, off in the distance he spotted the tell tale red and grey markings of the lone animal wandering through the grass several yards away.
"How did you-? You must have saw him coming from a way off and didn't tell me until you knew he was close right?" Jake looked at the limp form of Yawne perplexed.
"Pssh, I bet I can count more of them then you." He challenged back. Jake grinned ear to ear.
"You're on." Jake locked his vision on the clearly, never removing his eyes from the far distance where the animals were most likely to cross on their natural return to the much larger gathering grounds. It was this location the Na'vi knew the animals always traveled through and thus was the perfect location to gage their health by the number of young males and mothers with children who passed through.
"Ah ha, there's one!" Jake pointed though Yawne wasn't looking at him.
"Yup, and two more behind it." Yawne said still draped like a spaghetti noodle. Jake narrowed his eyes, and just like he said, two more followed the first. "Three to One, love." Yawne smiled with his voice again, tail swishing aggravating smugness. Jake set his jaw. The battle had been joined! For a long while yet they sparred, Jake catching one or three punctuated by Yawne catching another two or a lone one. The numbers were high this year which would mean a good hunting season, but what irked Jake was Yawne's tally never slipped below his own. They were in a dead heat, and all while still not even looking up. Jake was completely baffled, maybe it was some kind of trick where he used his hair against his ears to listen to vibrations? Or maybe he was smelling the wind which brought the far scent of the animals to him beneath the tree limb? Jake didn't know, but whatever he did, it worked and was working well.
"There's another!" Jake jumped; "That's eleven to ten and we haven't had more then twenty two pass through this way in many years." Jake bared his teeth triumphantly.
"And here come the last two now." Yawne said with slight applause. Jake again snapped his head back, and once more he was amazed to see two more coming along, but just before he admitted defeat his ears pricked forward.
"Wrong genius, it's three." Yawne's tail paused in mid swing, much to Jake's satisfaction as the mother Sturmbeest and its trailing juvenile were followed by a much younger smaller animal. The other baby.
"Well well well, two kids huh? It will be a very good year, but before you go hooting in glory, remember the count is still even; and all while I've been hanging in my silly and impossibly comfortable position, while you've had full use of your eyes, ears, and better view." Jake frowned, fully turning to seemingly incapacitated Yawne. He twitched his tail as Yawne lay there smugly, and finally he threw his chin at him.
"Okay so what's the trick? You listening to the vibration through the tree or catching down wind or what?" He said finally. He could almost feel Yawne grin.
"Why not give it a try and find out? He offered seriously. Jake shifted his jaw side to side in thought. He looked around himself, there was no one near for miles yet… it was all well and good for Yawne to be seen like this, everybody knew exactly the type of person he was, but if Jake was ever caught like that… "Wassa matter? Can't do it?" Jake bristled, his tail pointing straight out.
"Alright smart ass, scoot over." Jake moved forward.
…
Neytiri and Peyral were wandering at an easy pace; she had shown Neytiri her new bow she just completed, since she no longer needed to use Yawne's. She smiled a great deal now, and it lit up her heart shaped face with a bright and vibrant beauty. Her figure was also a great deal more muscled as she often joined in the exercise game Yawne showed to the children and used to keep himself fit or work through a fit of his deep seated emotions. The muscle tone complimented the few horizontal scars on her belly and upper thighs, as well as the small circle where the bullet had hit her left bicep so long ago. "It has been hours, do you think they have fallen asleep?" She asked Neytiri with a slight grin. Knowing their mates they were probably trying to see who could hold their breath or who could hang by their teeth from a vine the longest.
"They are probably doing more foolishness." Neytiri said, not even worrying if it may have sounded like an insult. Both of them knew it was their mates' mission in life to make each other look at stupid as they could, but then that was what friends were for and it did a great deal to relieve the stress and responsibility both of them carried ontop of their great names. It also did wonders in endearing them to the rest of the people, making them more accessible and less awe inspiring, so they would treat them with a closer friendship. Something Peyral and Neytiri knew they needed, because it also kept them in line and from throwing their weight around. Trouk Makto couldn't tell Neytiri what to do, but he also wouldn't be able to order the others around -if he ever let his power go to his head- not after catching him and Yawne chasing his tail. Jake had said Yawne told him there was a Pandoran Leech on it and he was trying to get it off, but that didn't explain the strange circling dance they were both doing when she came in the clearing… as well as the fact there was no such thing as a "Pandoran leech" Neytiri had ever heard of.
The two girls made their way quietly with the same stealth they always used, and a bit more just in case because they did not want to disturb the two friends… and secretly, catching them at the dumb things they were usually doing together was also enjoyable for them. They became utterly silent the moment they neared the typical position for seeing through the foliage and, lo and behold came upon a rare sight. Both Yawne and Jake were hanging from the tree limb they were on, draped like drying loin cloths, with their arms and legs drifting limply off either side. Their butts were clearly visible. Neytirl clapped her hand over her mouth, Peyral stared in open wonder. They looked at each other barely with holding their giggles.
"No no, you have to close your eyes, rely on your nose and ears more." Yawne was saying.
"What, like this?" Jake lashed his tail in concentration; "All the bloods rushing to my head." Suddenly neither of them could hold it back any long and Neytiri shouted to them;
"What are you doing!" Both of the limp bodies suddenly went rigid. They were silent for a moment before Yawne whispered.
"So worth it." Jake cursed to himself and then shoved Yawne on the arm; then both Yawne and Jake slowly spread their legs so they could see Neytiri and Peyral between them. Jake couldn't hide his sudden grin, or his shaking limp arms.
"Oh hey Neytiri. We're just hanging around." He barely got out, before erupting into laughter along with Yawne. Now both Neytiri and Peyral burst out laughing too, falling into each other with huge gulping sobs as they had troubling keeping their feet. Jake and Yawne, still hanging like two wet leaves after a storm, laughed the idiotic chuckling of two fools who enjoyed their foolery. All four of the Na'vi continued the cheerful sound, even as far in the distance three Sturmbeests paused in their long march to look at the strange noise which echoed through the vast jungle of Pandora.