This is an insane idea that was conceived by myself and my best friend Amieva just before exams. We were kidding around about the brownies in the cafeteria being the only edible food and it turned into an Evolution fic.
I'd like to introduce my substitute disclaimer. Unfortunately, my regular disclaimer and I are having a labour dispute, and he refuses to come back to work until I sign a contract saying that I won't get mad at him for saying that I don't own the X-men. So, with no further ado, my substitute disclaimer, Kurt Wagner!
Kurt: Um...Hi?
Tainz: It's time to do the disclaimer thing!
Kurt: Oh! Okay! Tainz does not own myself or any other Marvel character mentioned in this story. She doesn't own Hans, either. Hans is owned by one Amieva Terragorn, whose pen-name is Amieva and has a vonderful story up called X3: Rogue Heart and it is a must-read story for every Romy fan in existence!
Tainz: Good job Kurt!
Kurt: Vait, there is more written on my script. It's written on the back.... *dances around as Tainz tries to get the paper out of his hand* "Kurt is the cutest X-man ever!!! He is the sexiest, most yummilicious, awesomest fuzzy elf and I vant to...." Unglaublich! Tainz, I didn't know you thought like that!
Tainz: *blushing* Give it back!!!
Kurt: Vell, on vith the story! *opens the file on the computer while Tainz, short person that she is, tries desperately to reach the script*
Chapter 1: Introducing the Chef
Kitty went to the kitchen to get herself a snack and was greeted by absolute chaos. Clouds of cocoa coloured flour filled the air. Chocolate covered the walls and there were chocolate footprints on the ceiling. In short, it looked like Logan had led a Danger Room session in the kitchen and declared chocolate to be the enemy.
She coughed as she walked into the middle of a cloud of flour and then spotted the creator of the disaster. Kurt was standing by the stove, melting chocolate. He was using the spade of his tail as a spatula to scrape the sides of the bowl that was going through the nearby mixers.
"Like, what are you doing?"
Kurt was watching his pot so carefully that he didn't even look at her. "Making brownies. Vhy?"
Kitty scrunched up her face in disgust. "With your tail? That's, like, disgusting!"
"I vashed it first," he said condescendingly.
"But it's, like, attatched to your butt!"
Finally, he peered over his sholder at Kitty. "So are my hands."
She looked at him carefully. "Have you lost it completely?"
"Vell it is!"
"Is not!"
He grinned mischievously and turned back to the stove. Suddenly, he started singing, very off key.
"Vell, the butt bone's connected to the back bone,
The back bone's connected to the shoulder bone.
The shoulder bone's connected to the arm bone,
The arm bone's connected the wrist bone.
The wrist bone's connected to the hand bone,
And that's the vay of the Lord!"
Kitty groaned and decided to change tactics before he destroyed her hearing.
"You've, like, totally made a mess ot the kitchen. You're so going to get into trouble."
"I am going to clean it up, and even if I veren't, it vould be vorth getting into trouble over these brownies." He flicked off the beaters and started flicking his tail back and forth, splattering more batter on the walls.
"What's so special about them?"
"They are the most yummilicious brownies in the whole vide vorld."
Kitty blinked in astonishment. "Did you just, like....say 'yummilicious'?"
"Ja. I heard somevun at school say it. It is the perfect vord to describe this recipe." He stirred his pot a little harder.
Kitty shook her head. Kurt learned the strangest things. He'd completely misunderstand entire concepts because of some figurative language, then he'd come out with something like 'yummilicious' or, last week's favourite, 'yoink.'
"Please move, Kätzchen. I do not vant to burn you vith this. It's hot."
Kitty stepped back and Kurt poured the liquid chocolate into the batter and turned the beaters on to full speed, splashing still more batter across the wall. He didn't seem to notice and, a second or two later, he poured the batter into the biggest pan in the Institute kitchen and threw it into the oven. As he closed the oven door, he seemed to notice the mess for the first time.
He sighed, then, in the process of developing an ingenius plan, looked at Kitty and smiled charmingly. "Kätzchen, I vill give you a few of my brownies if you help me clean this up."
Her eyes widened as she realised a possible implication of that statement. "You didn't make all those brownies, like, for yourself?"
"Oh ja! I am very hungry. And they are the best brownies ever."
She took a quick glimpse around. The kitchen looked like there'd been a minor explosion in it.
"Not on your life. I am not touching this mess. You, like, made the mess, you can, like, clean it up!"
She grabbed a bag of Doritos out of the cupboard and left. Kurt rushed around and, by the time the brownies were cooked and cool enough to eat, the kitchen was clean.
Kurt grabbed a knife and started eating. Astonishingly, even to himself, he managed to put away every last crumb of the brownies. Just as he was putting the pan in the sink, Rogue walked in.
She sniffed the air. "Where are the brownies?"
He patted his stomach. "Right here. I ate them."
She looked at the pan. "Ya didn't. There's no way that entire pan would fit in ya. It woulda been a double batch."
"It vas a triple batch, and I did so eat the whole thing." Suddenly, a strange smile plastered itself on his face, and his tail started twitching back and forth.
"Kurt, are y'all okay?"
"Ja. I have never felt better in my whole life! Vhy do you ask?"
She was about to respond, when Kurt broke into an ear-splitting rendition of Revolution, by the Beatles. As if his singing wasn't bad enough, he changed the words as he went.
"You say you don't vant evolution,
Vell you know, ve just try to save the vorld.
You say that there is no solution,
Vell you know, ve still try to save the vorld.
But vhen you say that ve must be destroyed,
Don't you know that you can count me out?"
Bamf. Suddenly Kurt was gone, leaving Rogue to her own devices. She sank down into a chair, holding her head.
She groaned softly. "Ah think he's on a sugar high...."
***
Kurt spent ten minutes on the roof doing backflips, much to the annoyance of Ororo, who was in the attic doing some tidying. While his footfalls weren't heavy, enough of them were quite annoying. Finally, Kurt got bored with his backflips and crouched down on the ridgepole.
As he surveyed the grounds, he felt something tap him on the shoulder. He turned his head quickly and caught a certain spade-tipped appendage wagging back and forth.
"Hello!" he said happily. "Vhat is your name?"
His tail just bobbed back and forth happily.
"Can't you speak?"
No answer.
"Okay then... If you von't tell me your name, I'll call you....Hans!"
'Hans' bobbed up and down, as though nodding in agreement. Kurt smiled widely, revealing his pointed teeth and he was exultant that his new friend wasn't afraid of him.
A moment later, Kurt noticed that Hans was pointing at the ground. In that general direction, Evan was skateboarding. Kurt looked at Hans questioningly.
"Vhat do you...." Kurt trailed off as he understood. "Do you vant to go check out Evan's skateboard?"
Hans nodded.
Bamf. Kurt was right in Evan's path. Evan put up his arms to avoid crashing into Kurt and jumped off his skateboard. With a flick of his tail, Kurt had the board in his hand.
"Man, you have to be more careful! I almost crashed right into you!"
"I'm sorry. I hope I didn't scare you too much?"
"No. I'm fine."
"Good!"
As Evan held out his hand to take the board from Kurt, kurt teleported away, leaving a cloud of smoke in his place. Evan gawked.
"He just....he just stole my board!" Evan finally yelled aloud.
"It is okay!" Kurt called down from the roof. "I vill not break it!"
Kurt reached the bottom of the sloped portion of the roof and teleported up to the top. He rode the skateboard down the roof that way several times before Evan pulled himself together enough to respond.
"Get down here and give it back!" A few spikes poked out of Evan's back and shoulders. "Dude! I'm gonna get you! This was my favourite shirt!"
Kurt saw the spikes and got worried as they grew longer. Bamf.
"Here," Kurt said, handing the board to Evan. "I vas only borrowing it!"
Before Evan could even answer, Kurt was gone.
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There you have it! Just wait for next chapter! Motorcycles, Danger-room sessions and much, much more!!!
Kurt: Und I vill be there, too!
Tainz: *glares* If I let you live that long!
Kurt: *looks innocently at Tainz* I am hungry?
Tainz: Oh no! I'll go get you food!! *runs off after smacking into the wall several times*
Kurt: *lounges on Tainz's daybed (which she also uses as a couch, don't you dare think dirty things!!! ;-)* This is the life....I may never leave.