Pink Flamingos: Most Wanted Divine
By Jessica Michaels
Chapter 1
Hello, boys and girls. I'm going to tell you about a delightfully filthy caper of the wonderful Divine, The Filthiest Person Alive, which is one of the many tales of how and why she became known as such. Accompanying her in this shocking escapade of filth are her mad hippy son Crackers, her mother Ms Edie and their companion Cotton. Hold on to your hats, boys and girls, and prepare yourselves for a wild ride, guaranteed to shock you to your very core with the depths of its depravity! 1
Divine and her family were in need of new accommodation in their hometown of Phoenix, Maryland, what with the local junkyard proving itself to be too much trouble after the rats became too accustomed with Crackers' hospitality (Ms Edie became very upset when she discovered the rats in her egg stash, which Crackers had introduced them to out of his love of all animals). They had slept in various bus stops in the city which suited Divine, Crackers and Cotton (Cotton very much enjoyed watching the hookers do their jobs in alleyways). Ms Edie, however, was worried that the Egg Man wouldn't be able to find her once her egg supply ran out, and insisted on finding a permanent place to live, so after the third day of sleeping at the dingy bus stop, robbing young single mothers of their dinner ingredients and watching prostitutes screwing policemen, Divine and her posse set out to find a new home.
"Mama," she said brightly to Ms Edie once she'd woken up. "Today we are all going to look for a new place to live, one where the Egg Man will have no problem finding you!"
"Really?" Ms Edie was delighted. "Then... then I will have new eggs? 'Cause I'm running out of eggs, 'cause I wanna eat my little eggies."
"Absolutely, Mama!" Divine replied. "You could have all the eggs you ever wanted, more eggs than you could ever imagine!"
Miss Edie gasped, her eyes shining with hope. "I could?"
"You could have speckled eggs, white eggs, brown eggs, large eggs, even dear tiny little eggies, all for you to enjoy!"
Ms Edie laughed, but then a thought struck her: "But what if... what if the Egg Man can't find me at our new home? What if he gets lost? Then I won't have any more eggs! What would I do?"
Divine placed a consoling hand on her dear mother's shoulder. "Now don't you worry about that, Mama. I will personally make sure that the Egg Man will be able to find you every day of every week. That is why we are finding a new home, just like I said."
As Ms Edie regained confidence in her supply of eggs, Cotton and Crackers were returning from their breakfast robbery. This particular robbery was especially fun, and Cotton and Crackers were still revelling in it:
"Mama, you should've seen me just now!" Crackers announced, grinning that only partially tooth-filled grin. "I had that fucker by the neck and he listened to everything I told him!"
Cotton gazed at her companion in admiration, her blonde retro curls bouncing as she nodded, and then declared, "He was so brave and just so beautiful! He really delivered!"
Divine beamed at them. "Oh, my children, such wonderful children!" She relieved Crackers of his stolen grocery bag and rummaged through its contents. "Look, Mama, look at what Crackers got for you!" She produced a boiled-egg sandwich, for which Ms Edie stretched out her arms.
As Ms Edie relished her egg sandwich, Divine announced her plans for the day to Crackers and Cotton, who were looking through their newly-acquired shopping (And scoffing at their victim's choice of generic porn, agreeing that he was a bore). They delighted in this news, and after they ate, got changed (while wickedly and beckoningly staring at the passers-by who dared to bat an eye), gathered their belongings and relieved themselves in a lewd and distasteful way, they departed on their quest to find a new home, a quest for which they wouldn't let anything or anyone get in the way of! 2
As everyone who has seen the original Pink Flamingos can attest, the film is accompanied by an excellent soundtrack, as is this fan fiction. The numbers in superscript indicate a certain song, or a piece of a song, which compliments the spirit of this story and (hopefully) adheres to the spirit of the movie.
Roy Orbison – Chicken Hearted 00:00-00:17; 00:29-1:03
The Trashmen – Bird Bath
Chapter 2
It's not going to be all smooth sailing for our heroes, kids. In downtown Baltimore, in a snazzy big white house, live Connie and Raymond Marble, two jealous perverts who are determined to outfilth Divine, so that they would be the Filthiest People Alive!
Connie Marble was perched imperiously at her desk in her home office, where she conducted her and her husband's business. Today she was yelling through her phone receiver at the manager of one of her and her husband's pornography shops:
"I don't care if they don't have any identification, Willard, my husband and I are not concerned with the banalities of the law!"
"I just don't feel right selling items of this nature to schoolchildren, Mrs Mar –" the poor man was near tears.
"You will peddle any and every vibrator, movie, poster, handcuff-set, ass-plug and great big fucking strap-on dildo to every person that steps through that fucking door or, so help me, God, I will slice you from chin to crotch and then I will personally shit on all your internal organs, do you understand?" She threw the phone down dramatically at that last syllable, and then rested her head in her hands, her fingers raking her fiery red hair desperately as she fumed and her garish cat-eye glasses slipping down her nose. She then called for Channing, her butler, who, knowing better than to keep his boss waiting, quickly pulled his lady-wig off, wiped his makeup off in a hurry and rushed to her aid upon hearing her screeches.
"Yes, Mrs Marble?" he prompted timidly.
"Go deliver the Waters' new baby, Channing, and clean it up," she barked (rather, she tried to; her stress was now eating its way into her speech). "They're collecting it in a few hours' time."
Channing quivered slightly, but didn't dare to defy his boss, the dragon-lady that was Connie Marble. He knew that the baby wasn't due for another two weeks, but the thought of boring through a pregnant, kidnapped innocent hitchhiker's womb in the Marbles' basement to remove her (and his) baby to give to an unsuspecting lesbian couple was definitely less terrifying than the wrath of the Marbles. He moped along to the basement while muttering obscenities, while Connie continued to contain her stresses.
"That rotten shop-manager! That good-for-nothing dingleberry! Why can't he do as he is told? Why does he insist on hindering my filthiness? Why doesn't he see how important this is for Raymond and me? Where is Raymond? Where is he?"
She went to her bedroom, intending to compose herself, but instead she continued her impromptu monologue of angry desperation in her mirror: "I'm surrounded by all these fucking assholes who screw everything up, and he just leaves me here to sort them out myself! These cretins of lesser intelligence, whose miniscule levels of filthiness make me want to spit on them in ridicule! Why won't he come home to me, his wife? His wife, with whom he is bonded by the holy vows of matrimony and our intricately woven bonds of filth? I love him so much, and I need him so badly! Oh, come home to me, Raymond!" (Here she clutched at her heart, with her eyes closed – stress coupled with marital problems can turn one into a very large ham).
The intricate bonds of filth are nothing to be sneezed at: as he was preparing to terrorize a couple of students in the street, Raymond paranormally sensed Connie's need for him, so he repacked his junk into his underwear and immediately hopped into his car (which was very nice). His bond with his wife was one which ran deeper than the mundane everyday bonds of other couples, for the strength of their bond was compounded by their lust for filthiness, their hunger for power and their love of outrageous hair colours, and it was this very bond for which he rushed home to his wife. 3
"Raymond!" Connie exclaimed as he dashed into their bedroom.
"Connie! Beautiful, filthy Connie!" he exclaimed in an equally hammy manner.
They rushed into each others' arms and gazed into each others' eyes as they reassured each other of their undying love:
"Oh, Connie, as I was conducting business in town I felt you calling for me, and so I hurried to you, to the arms of my wife, the wife to whom I have promised myself, for I love you infinitely and there is nothing in this whole world that could or would ever dare to keep me from you!"
"Oh, Raymond! I couldn't bear to carry on with all these idiots who surround me, not without you, for you complete me and without you I could never hope to achieve the level of filthiness which we deserve!"
They then proceeded to express their love in a strangely lewd and distasteful way, which involved a lot of footwork.
Screamin' Jay Hawkins – Frenzy