My first ever fanfic. I believe it would be defined as fluff? I hope I got the rating right.
Disclaimer: Not mine, not making any profit etc.
--SGA--
Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard stepped out of the shimmering blue puddle with a wide smile on his face.
"We're hoo-oome," he called out cheerfully.
A shorter, slightly rounder figure covered in something brown, smelly and unidentifiable emerged behind him with a soft kawoosh. Dripping in muck, Dr Rodney McKay limped awkwardly behind the Colonel as Elizabeth bounded down the steps to greet them, looking slightly bemused.
"Well?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow at Rodney.
"That would be one successful trading mission, Elizabeth. Consider the overly sweet yet highly delicious peach-apple hybrids from M18-263 secured for the foreseeable future. Our very generous new allies are thrilled to be doing business with us and have assured me that next season's harvest will be equally bountiful," beamed John, completely ignoring Dr McKay. "All that remains is to collect the goods sometime tomorrow."
"Well there's no need to be so insufferably Panglossian about it!" grumped Rodney bitterly, swaying a little as he energetically pointed to his foot. "I'm positive I've broken my ankle, and it was all for those stupid little fruit things - which, I remind you again, I am certain contain citrus!"
"They do not," drawled John, offering him a lazy sideways grin. "And trust me, if that ankle was broken you wouldn't have been able to hobble so stoically through the gate."
"Oh sure, Colonel I-Have-A-High-Pain-Threshold, you try wrestling in a godforsaken pig pen mud bath with Attila-the-freaking-Hun and landing on your goddamn ankle and-"
Rodney's face was turning a rather explosive shade of red, beneath the brown muck, and his voice was getting louder and louder. Dr Rodney McKay was clearly working up into a major meltdown mode. Fighting her curiosity, Elizabeth decided that it was time to interject.
"Gentlemen," she intoned with more than a little hint of menace in her voice, "it would be nice if you could stop bickering and get on with things. Colonel Sheppard, you'll be needing a post-mission check, followed by a swift and thorough debrief with myself concerning the nature of Dr McKay's injury and the precise conditions of the trade agreement. And Rodney, it'd be nice if you could get yourself cleaned up a little; you're dripping all over the floor."
"Oh, so no one cares about my broken ankle?!"
"I'm sure Carson will be more than happy to give you an X-ray and a full exam, Rodney. Carson and his staff are of course very busy, but I can call you a gurney if you feel it is necessary."
Mouth open to self-righteously demand a free ride to the infirmary, Elizabeth jumped in first.
"That's good, then. Thank you Rodney. Carson will be waiting." Elizabeth forced a smile as Rodney slouched out of the gate room. "Colonel, 30 minutes please."
Still looking like the cat that got the cream, Sheppard smiled easily. "Sure, Elizabeth. It's going to be an… interesting debrief." A sideways smirk at the departing McKay resulted in another glower from the angry physicist. "Are Ronon and Teyla back yet?"
"No, they're not due back from New Athos for several hours."
Nodding, John turned to leave. As soon as Rodney was out of earshot, he hissed conspiratorially- "It's not really broken, you know. Not even sprained. I wouldn't have made him walk on it otherwise."
Elizabeth simply nodded, expecting nothing less from the man who put everyone else's needs before his own and who, she knew, would do anything for his team mates.
"Hell of a story though," he chuckled, as he followed in McKay's rather grotesque smelling lumpy brown footprints towards the infirmary.
--SGA--
"So, he actually volunteered to do it?"
"Yup," agreed John, lacking the wide smile of earlier and yet still rather cheerful. "Taruq explained that to seal the agreement between us there was a traditional ritual which the – and here I quote – 'worthiest' among us should partake in." Elizabeth nodded as John laughed softly. Such rituals or demonstrations of trust were not unusual in the Pegasus galaxy. "So McKay, being McKay, declared himself the worthiest. Of course, Taruq and the other villagers were gushing about how great it would be, so…"
"So Rodney had no idea what he was volunteering for? A little reckless to let him, don't you think?"
"Well, no" replied John, affecting a hurt tone of voice. "For once, the negotiations went really well, even though it was just Rodney and me. The Loquirans are a great bunch of people Elizabeth. I wouldn't have let him do it if I'd thought there was any real danger." Elizabeth smiled, knowing it to be true. "Anyway, turned out the trade ritual involved taking part in their favourite sport. Didn't catch the name of it, to be honest, but it was a bit like wrestling or boxing, only less actual hitting and more fancy footwork."
"You let Rodney take part in a boxing-"
"No, well, not really. They don't even go for knockouts. They just stay in the ring for a short amount of time. Shows 'trust in the actions of your trading partners' apparently. Basically, gives you a chance to beat the crap out of each other before you commit. Exposes violent urges, mean evil bad guys, that sort of thing. Supposedly." John shrugged half-heartedly.
"And the brown muck would be?"
"Ah, yeah." John rubbed his hands wearily on the back of his neck. "That would be leema dung. Kind of a cross between camels and cows. They have a big herd and the stable-thing formed the ring. But it was an outdoor stable-thing."
Elizabeth held back a grin at John's confused descriptions. "And it got all over Rodney when…?"
"When he jumped into the ring in a show of bravado, slipped over on his ankle and rolled around for a bit in 'agony'." John laughed again. "Personally I'd have been more worried about the crap, but-"
"Thank you Colonel," interrupted Elizabeth. "So, despite Dr McKay's injury you feel it safe to continue trading with the Loquirans?" She was determined to keep this at least somewhat professional.
"Well apart from the fowl smelling leema crap-". He trailed off at Elizabeth's warning frown. "Yes. Yes it's safe. Even the ritual thing would have been safe, except, y'know, McKay was a little overzealous about it."
"Good. Consider yourself dismissed, Colonel." Elizabeth's hand flicked to her radio. "Understood, thank you Carson." Looking back to John, "Rodney's ankle," she explained. "Not broken."
"Told you so," smirked John, rising quickly and running a hand through his unruly hair. "Can't wait to tell Ronon and Teyla about this one when they get back."
Shaking her head at the Colonel's rather infantile one-upmanship with Rodney, Elizabeth allowed herself a small laugh as Colonel Sheppard bounded away out of sight, clearly itching to spread the story all over the base.
She decided not to tell him about the dried blobs of leema excrement gracing the back of his uniform. At least, not yet. After all, why should he have all the fun?