The Best Dang Title You've Ever Seen
…Nope, not song parodies this time! This is a parody on the whole version of POTO done at the Hirschfield Theater (The one starring David Staller, Elizabeth Walsh, all those peeps). I love it to death, but it was just calling to be parodied, it's like 'come on broadwaygeek24601, y'know ya wanna make fun of me…'
So, since the Hirschfield production was there, inside my mind, I present to you, my beloved audience, THE HIRSCHFIELD THEATER PHANTOM PARODY!
0o0o0o0o0
Hello, and welcome to the Hirschfield version of Phantom, a substantially shorter version than the ALW. Enjoy.
After watching a somewhat disturbing preview concerning WaterBearer Films, we go to the beach at Calais…whoa, we're actually starting at the beginning?! An interesting concept, yes…
It is 1901, and-
Excuse me; I'm going to have to cut in again here. 1901 is like, 50 years after the original story ends. Could it be the character's children? I see a plot for a stereotypical phanfic! But more to the point, we see young Christine and her father, who is playing the violin while making dramatic, sweeping motions. Christine is too absorbed with worshipping her scarf to notice this, however.
Her father…somehow…disappears…and guess who prances (Yes, prances) onstage with black hair? Why, it's that foppy wimp we all know, dressed in boring work clothes!
Anyway, Raoul, for it is he, saves the scarf after Christine…throws it in the water…He makes it apparent that her father has abandoned her, and hands her her scarf. Christine, satisfied, displays it proudly as she tiptoes offstage.
Raoul vows that he will find her again, and runs off in the …opposite… direction.
End Introduction
We see a room with what looks to be a funhouse mirror, and grown-up Christine singing.
"lalalalala"
Nope, no words this time. Although, many of you familiar with Mozart will recognize the tune from the opera, "The Magic Flute". This opera will come into play later, followed by some angry ranting.
Anyway, she is coached by A Certain Voice (Need I say who?), and gets all afraid and teary. She begins to cry very softly, which is odd, because Madame Giry has apparently heard from across the stage. She barges in on Christine to comfort her-
Wait; A dressing room with no lock?
With all this obsession over modesty in the 19th century, you'd think they'd put a lock on the door to a dressing room. Oh wait. It's like the 1920s in this version. Okey-dokey.
Madame Giry of the Large Forehead acts all happy until Christine tells her of the Mystery Man and his pitiful attempt to coach her, and this hilarious, wide-eyed, supposed-to-be-ominous look comes onto the Madame's face as she declares Christine The Chosen One.
No, really. She does.
"I knew he would, and he has chosen you!"
Giry continues her corny explanation that he was the Spirit of Music, and leaves with this encouraging note: "A gift from heaven can be hell to pay."
…Is she trying to freak Christine out on purpose? If she is, she's not being to subtle about it. And apparently it gets to Christine anyway. This is surreal.
Christine begins to hum, and Guess-Who begins coaching her again. They begin singing a boringed-out version of Angel of Music from the ALW musical (Spirit of Music, heh.) They start falling for eachother, yadayadayada,
TEN YEARS LATER
So, what is it now, the 1930s? This story is getting a leeeetle too modern for my taste…
It's ballet practice/stage set construction time, which incidentally take place in the same area. Suddenly, the lights go out! Erik gives a relatively pleasant chuckle off stage, though he is nowhere to be seen! Dundunduuuunnnn…
Time to launch into song! The ballerinas start singing about how ugly Erik is, who's probably sitting in the background all pissed off going "Shut up about my deformity or I'll chuckle at you again!"
All this time, the Daroga has been running across the stage a bunch of times, in quick succession. Either that or he brought along a little band of Darogas to do his evil bidding and inspire terror in his fellow man. Think of the sleuthing and nosing around the original Daroga could do! "Daroga One, go talk to Erik! Daroga Seven, go freak everyone out!"
So, Giry joins in and asks in verse if Erik has, ahem, harassed them in any way, and they whoop in response. Yes, you read correctly. These aforementioned whoops, I believe, were intended to be shouts of "Oh, No!".
…let's stick with that. Now they start doing a dance that could also pass for some form of Tai-Chi. Ballerinas must remain zen when there are Opera Ghosts about!
Giry ends the song by bossing the ballerinas around. Enter, Buquet, who reminds me of a Cats character.
He somehow trips on nothing, and has a little chat with his local Daroga, who shortly leaves. Buquet then takes a swig o' brandy to an ominous chord. Carlotta, who, like the ALW, has a…vibrant accent, enters.
She shoos Buquet away, and explains to the managers that she is too good to sing at a benefit concert. The Dynamic Duo try to talk her into it, and here, my audience, is the most cold-heated line you will ever hear from Moncharmin's mouth:
"It's not as if we're asking you to raise money for impoverished children, for God's sake!"
Evil, Moncharmin, evil!! You would think that someone would get all angry at him for behaving in such a shocking manner, but no dice. Carlotta answers with;
"I should hope not."
MONSTERS!
Anyway, Carlotta still refuses, adding a second excuse: She "has a slight tickle", and she "may never ever again regain her renowned High C". She then remembers that she's supposed to be angry with the Phantom too, so she quickly adds that on. Moncharmin acts like an idiot, and Carlotta, not paying attemtion to herself, sings "I woooon't!"
Madame Giry butts in yet again to make some corny humor, and suggests 'Ms. Daae' as an understudy. M'sieur Richard scoffs and compares Christine to boiled chicken.
…
He rants a little more about who's to be there, and convinces Carlotta to do it. A tall piece of cardboard falls, and, (GASP) almost touches her! AAAH!
Oh look, more singing from the ballerinas. And Erik finally lives up to his threat and chuckles at them again. Is the song over?
Nope. The ballerinas show off their mad dancin' skeelz with one last pose for good luck.
We skip scenes to find a room with a picture of a Viking woman in the background. M'sieurs Richard and Moncharmin have a little bicker, while Erik causes some mischief and chuckles some more.
Question: His hand pops out from under the portrait. The portrait moves. He's wearing white gloves. Why then can't the managers notice? Are they that involved in their bickering like a married couple to notice a hand come out of nowhere? (Or their disturbing taste in wall art?)
Question number two: Richard calls Moncharmin 'old man' when he himself is the one with gray hair, wrinkles, and a need for spectacles. Moncharmin has black hair, and looks to be 40. Richard must be an insecure old hypocrite…
Now comes the 'musical comedy' they mention on the back of the DVD case. Very Charlie Chaplin….yurgh.
Now the Phantom shows up behind the portrait (?) completely unnoticed (!) and says some completely incoherent lines. We now reach a discordant crescendo. End of song, praise the Lord!
And now, hm, apparently the back of the stage is the front, because Carlotta is facing away from us as she begins to sing terribly.
The aria is from Faust, yay, there's a touch of Leroux!
Erik creeps a stagehand out. Said stagehand drops a box, which really shouldn't bother a thing, but Carlotta whips around. This is not a good way to handle something like that, folks!
Erik chickles. Again. Pleasantly. Carlotta starts again.
Now, a pretty heavy sandbag falls, actually quite threatening, but she pays less attention to it than the piece of cardboard. (Shrugs) To each her own…
She grudgingly starts again (Again!) and actually gets to continue.
Meanwhile, Erik blackmails a drunk Buquet. Not with real mail, just mentally. He starts listing off way to 'get even' with Carlotta, and says 'I know! How about the faulty trap door idea!'
Huh?
Buquet runs across the stage screaming. Carlotta struts offstage. Christine is summoned onstage after a three sentence pep talk from The Phantom.
Now comes the angry ranting from the Authoress. Guess what she sings?! A song to the tune of 'Ach, dis fuels' From Mozart's 'The Magic Flute'! Which was by Mozart! Not this little gang of producers! They added their own words! Copyright infringement! Curse you, Abe Hirschfield!
Ahem. She continues the song, which was so not supposed to be a duet, and Raoul shows up to woo her.
It will be known, that in the opera, this was a song that a girls sings after she is rejected. This is totally the wrong song to pick.
…and guess whose hair turned blonde?
Erik is tortured by this little duet. Les Miserables fanatics will find a rush of déjà vue in this scene. (Heart Full Of Love, anyone?)
Christine faints, after butchering the song. Mozart turns madly in his grave, and we cut to later, when the managers (Really only Richard) accuse Buquet of…well, running across the stage screaming.
Buquet suggests the trap door idea (I don't get it!) But they scoff and walk away.
Daroga ( Or a Daroga clone, at least.)enters and makes some ominous statements. We cut to…
Carlotta, as she sings a song and attempts to be pitiful. She complains about being replaced, yadayadayada. End Chapter One!
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
Coming up next: Blonde Raoul and more 'Magic Flute' ranting! Do nt miss!
Read, review, no flames, watch for more!