Chapter One - Time

Time here all but means nothing just shadows that move 'cross the walls
They keep me company but they don't ask of me they don't say nothing at all

Rain pounded brutally against my bedroom window. Lightning streaked across the night sky and thunder clapped so deep and loud it shook the very frame of my house. It was a hell of storm, but inside me, there was calm, a stillness. I breathed in and out, my heart beat in a steady rhythm. I felt composed with what I was going to do.

For so long I felt nothing, not sadness, not anger, not anguish, just nothing. The numbness was wrong because I knew I should feel something, anything but really, deep down, I was so thankful, and so relieved that I wouldn't have to face the pain of my broken heart. Because surely it was broken, shattered into a thousand pieces that I knew would never be put all the way back together again. He devastated me, in one conversation, he blew me apart. Everything I thought that I knew, everything I thought I felt was crushed to vapor. I needed to feel something again. I needed to find a way to fix what he'd so easily demolished, and by doing that, maybe I could be whole again.

"We're leaving Forks."

My mind blanked at those words, I grasped for understanding. "Okay, I need to figure out what to tell Charlie, but give me a day or two and I can come up with something."

He stared at me, through me, as my world quickly fell down around me.

"No, just my family and I are going, Bella."

I took an unsteady breath. "What do you mean, just you and your family? I'm going with you, I have to go with you Edward."

"It's for the best if you stay here." His words were cold, heartless. They reflected nothing of the man that I had come to know, the man I loved.

"No, what's best for me is to go where you go." My voice was weak, in shock, even to my own ears, I heard the bewilderment.

"I'm sorry Bella, this has gotten out of hand. I really should have been more responsible when it came to you, but I let things progress too far. I know that you'll be fine, just promise me that you'll take care of yourself. For your parents of course, they need you." He eyes finally latched to mine and the intensity in them shot straight to my heart. "Promise me you'll be safe, don't do anything reckless."

"Edward…" I breathed. I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. Why? Why would he hurt me like this? He loved me. He told me he loved me.

"Promise me Bella!"

"Why?" I couldn't promise him anything when he'd broken the biggest promise he'd ever made me. To love and protect me. I needed him to protect my heart right now, yet he was the one destroying it.

"It's time for us to move on, and we've been fooling ourselves to believe this could work out."

"No… no Edward, I love you, I want to be with you, I don't care about anything else. I need you." I was bordering on hysteria, but I couldn't be bothered with that right now. My world was slipping away and I was completely powerless to stop it. So what if I sounded pathetic.

"Goodbye Bella. Be happy." He turned from me and started walking back towards the forest behind Charlie's house. His perfect face, his perfect hands, his perfect body, all retreating from me. I stood there in a complete stupor. I knew that he wouldn't stop, but I ran after him anyway. I couldn't let this be it. There was so much I didn't understand, so much that I knew he wasn't telling me.

"Edward!" I ran into the thicket of trees and fauna. "Edward!"

I couldn't see him anywhere. No movement caught my eye; he'd vanished into thin air. No trace of him for me to follow. I wasn't going to stop though, I would talk to him, I had to know what he was thinking. This didn't make sense! Nothing about this made sense!

I walked and I walked and I walked till the sun was a memory and a pale light from the moon filtered weakly through the thick branches of trees. I kept going though. I knew in the back of my mind that I would never find him, especially if he didn't want to be found, but still I couldn't stop searching. He was my heart, my soul, everything that mattered to me was wrapped up in him. If I could just find him, it would be okay, I just needed to get to Edward.

I sat on my bed and stared out the window, watching the wind whip through the trees. Slashes of lightning split the sky leaving a smell of ozone in the air. I sat and I thought of that day six months ago and remembered the bite of the cold night air as I walked for hours. The utter exhaustion I felt when I finally sank to the ground and laid my head on the hard dirt. The dazed confusion that came over me when I woke up in the overly warm arms of a stranger. Sam Uley. It made me uneasy, but I couldn't deny he'd probably saved my life that night. My lips were blue and my teeth were chattering roughly by the time I got back to Charlie. Intellectually, I knew all these details of that night, but I didn't care, I was already numb. Already deadened. And I have felt that way since then.

I know Charlie was worried. I didn't want him to be. I wanted to tell him that I would be alright, that I knew what I was going to do to fix me, but I couldn't. I couldn't tell him because he would try to stop me, and I refused to be deterred. I had a plan finally, after mulling over my options for months, I'd come up with a plan, and I was going to execute it. It wouldn't be easy, and it wouldn't necessarily be safe, but it was all I had.

I wish I could have talked to Alice about my plan, but she was gone too. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her. As soon as Edward had left, his entire family had vanished too. A week after I'd been found in the woods, I'd driven to the Cullens in hopes of talking to one of them, finding some answers, finding some sanity, but the house was a tomb. It was closed and dark without any trace of life.

Life, I laughed mirthlessly to myself, they aren't exactly alive to begin with. So there wouldn't be any sign of life would there? My family was gone. Oh I had Charlie, and Renee and Phil, I even had Jacob, who was a good friend, but my family that I intended to spend eternity with had disappeared without a word. So I mourned them and their absence.

I clenched my fists in my lap and continued to look outside. It would be over soon, it would all be over and I could have them back, all them. I could have my family and I could have my love. It would all be fine. I would be fine.

I heard two quick raps at my door, and Charlie yell out to me on the other side.

"Bells? Can I come in?"

I made an effort to relax my face, unclench my hands and lean back lazily on my arms on the bed.

"Yeah Dad, come on in."

He peaked around the door as he cracked it open and smiled at me.

"All packed?"

"Yep," I gestured to my open suitcase in the corner of the room.

"Excited to see your mom?"

"Yep." I smiled easily at him. He had been trying so hard to help me since Edward left. Taking extra time every evening to be with me, talk to me about school, watch shows on television that I liked instead of football. He was a good dad. Charlie loved me, and I loved him. I sincerely hoped that what I was about to do wouldn't hurt him too badly.

"Are you sure I don't need to call her and coordinate your schedule with her, I'd really hate for you to get stranded at the airport. I didn't even book your tickets. I feel kind of out of the loop."

"Dad," I rolled my eyes playfully at him. "First of all, I already talked to Mom, she knows exactly when I'm getting there, and second of all, I'm eighteen, I can handle being at the airport alone for a few minutes in case she's running late. I'll be fine, I'm a big girl."

"Don't remind me." Charlie grumbled.

"It'll be okay Dad." I know Charlie would think I was talking about my "visit" to Renee's, but I really meant everything. I would be okay, I had it worked out. I hated lying to him, but sometimes the end justified the means, and this was one of those times right? It had to be one of those times.

"Alright kiddo, well I guess I'll see you in the morning then."

"Goodnight Dad." I sat up and offered him another smile.

"Night Bells" He smiled softly back and shut my door behind him.

I took a deep breath and crawled into bed. I needed to get as much sleep as I could manage tonight. I'd be very busy tomorrow.

__

Charlie drove me to the airport in silence the next morning. I wanted to say something to him, but every time I tried, nothing seemed right. So I sat next to him and stayed quiet.

We eventually pulled up to the curb of the airport and unloaded the car.

"Well, enjoy your spring break Bells. I'll see you in two weeks." Charlie pulled me into an awkward hug.

"Thanks Dad. I left some food for you to heat up in the refrigerator. I don't want you to starve while I'm gone." I joked lightly.

"I can cook for myself Bella," he frowned slightly.

"Sure you can Dad, and I'm a beauty queen." I smiled up at him.

"You are, you brat." He shook his head and patted my shoulder.

"Whatever Dad, I'll call you when my flight lands." That wasn't a lie. I was flying and I would land eventually.

"Okay, say hi to your Mom and Phil for me."

"Will do, bye Dad."

"Bye Bella, love you."

"Love you too."

I picked up my suitcase and walked to the front desk to check in. After the man behind the counter handed me my tickets, I turned and waved to Charlie one more time before walking to security check. Once I got through, I quickly found my gate and sat down in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs until they began boarding. I should have felt anxiety over what I was about to do. I should have felt elation at the possibility that I was going to right something I knew had gone very, very wrong. But as I had been for so long, I was frozen in this state of unfeeling. So I waited patiently, almost mechanically, to start this adventure that would lead me to my heart, to my Edward.

--

By the time my flight landed in Anchorage, Alaska, my legs were stiff from the scrunched position they were held in for the last four hours. I stood in line and filed off the aircraft with the others who had flown with me. I recognized the weariness that covered me from traveling, but I only gave it a fleeting thought as I made my way to the car rental counter.

I was too young to rent a car myself, but I had used Renee's name as insurance to allow me to get one. I had called her a week ago to ask if I could rent a car under her name over spring break because I was wanted to drive to Seattle and such places, and I didn't think my truck was up to the challenge. She sounded confused, but agreed nonetheless. I threw in an extra explanation that I couldn't put it in Charlie's name because I didn't want him to feel bad about my truck being untrustworthy because he'd bought it for me. That seemed to soothe the worst of her suspicion. I was digging myself in deep with lies to both my parents, but again, I couldn't find it in me to care. I had a goal, and I would get there no matter the obstacles.

After filling out the proper paper work and getting the keys to a car, I headed toward baggage claim. Finally settling into the rental Jeep, I opened my map of Alaska, and figured out which route to take, I pulled out onto the highway. I still had another four hours roughly before I'd hit Denali, plenty of time to prepare myself.

I ate up the miles in what seemed like no time. Scenery passed by in a blur of motion. I was nearing my destination; I could feel it growing inside me. Feeling, the sensation of feeling was coming back, slowly, ever so slowly I could sense it seeping through my clouded thoughts, the realization that I was nearing my heart, my very life source that Edward held.

It was dark by the time I drove past the sign for the Denali National Park. So close. I was so close. I drove through the dark forested area, as I mentally tried to reach out to Alice.

See me Alice! Know that I coming! Find me!

I was down to a quarter tank of gas, and was no closer to finding Edward or his family. I felt like I was driving in circles, and the exhaustion of the day was overcoming me. My stomach growled in revolt to my neglect. I hadn't eaten since the airline had offered me pretzels and soda.

Keep going, I told myself, just a little bit longer. I watched as my fuel scale dwindled and the needle pointed to an eighth of a tank. Finally I stopped the Jeep and got out to stand for a minute. I needed to stretch my legs and think. I knew that finding the Cullens may not be easy, but I had not anticipated the complete lack of direction I was feeling at this point. I was not discouraged. No, I was hopeful, but unsure of my next move.

If Alice could see me, I know she'd come, she'd help me. Why couldn't she see me?

I just need answers, Alice! I understand if Edward doesn't want me. I just need your help right now.

In the back of my mind, I always thought he was too good to be true, but after so much between the two of us, I just had to know what had happened. What had made him change so drastically towards me.

I took a deep breath of the crisp night air. I looked up and let the moonlight bathe my face. It was a clear sky with thousands of stars twinkling above me.

Got to keep moving, I told myself. Just have to keep moving, I'll find them. I couldn't imagine that I wouldn't.

Just as I was about to climb back into my Jeep, I heard a faint shuffle of gravel. I whirled towards the noise, and saw a figure walking towards me. It was so dark; I couldn't make out any distinct features. Twin shivers of excitement and fear raced up my spine. One of the Cullens? A stranger? I didn't know yet.

"Hello?" I called out tentatively.

"Hello," the voice answered pleasantly, a voice that I did not recognize. "Are you lost, miss?"

So it was a stranger. The fear replaced all traces of the previous excitement.

"No," I replied in a stronger tone. "I'm just stretching my legs, you know, been driving a while and all that. I was getting ready to hit the road again." I gave a self-deprecating laugh.

The stranger came closer and I was surprised to find that he was much younger than I had originally taken him for. He was a thin boy about fifteen or sixteen, with dark blond hair and a baby face. I immediately relaxed.

"Alright, I'd be happy to point you in the right direction if you need it." His tone was smooth, much smoother than I would have expected of a boy his age.

"Thank you, but I really just need to get to where I'm headed, I'm sure I can find it okay….." I trailed off as my breath caught when I saw the glint in his eye. His burgundy eyes.

"Are you sure you can't stay just a minute longer. It's such a late hour for someone as young as you to be out alone. I'd hate something to happen to you." His smile was hideously beautiful, and I wanted to scream for him to leave me alone, but no sounds would come from my constricted throat.

"I…I…I don't want my family to worry, they are …expecting me." I tried to think fast, but knew that my excuse was dismally pathetic.

He took a step closer to me.

"Oh, I don't really think they are, are they? You're a very pretty girl, do you know that? Such a rare beauty really, I'd hate to waste such a thing. Maybe I'll just have to keep you." He smiled widely this time, and I saw the flash of his white teeth. They looked gruesomely sharp. And I knew this was the end. I'd come all this way to die.

I wouldn't get to see my love one more time. I wouldn't know what had happened to us.

"Please…." I breathed shakily and tried to take a step back.

"My dear," he spoke almost tenderly to me as I suddenly found myself wrapped in his embrace. "I'll make the pain go away, you won't feel a thing, just close your eyes."

And I did. I squeezed them tight, knowing the agony of what was to come. I didn't want to see his face so close to mine the instant before he took me.

Goodbye Edward, I love you! My mind screamed, and then I felt the piercing of his teeth sinking in my frail, thin flesh.

My mind was wiped clean of all thought as my body slumped into this stranger, this vampire who was drinking the life from me.

Minutes, hours, days later, the misery started. I had lamented my desensitization to life when Edward had left me, now I mourned the relief of no feeling, because heaven help me, I felt everything now. A burn so profound, so unending, exploded and roared from within my very bones. I was smoldering alive, for surely this could not be death, could it? Was this hell? An eternity of such agony, such unfathomable pain? Was this my lot now?

I could do nothing to alleviate the blaze within me, it scorched on and on and on. A bottomless well of suffering. I laid there and felt the every lick of flame within me, and waited for true insanity to begin.

Why is she feeling the affects? I don't understand? She should be numb to the pain!

I faintly heard the frustrated voice seep through to my crazed brain. I recognized the words, even knew what they meant, but they held no meaning to me. I was being charred from the inside out, and he was frustrated. Who the hell cared about him!

At some point, I have no idea when, the pain began to recede to barely tolerable. From my fingertips to my toes it began to pull towards my heart. Oh the relief. The sweet wondrous relief that I couldn't even begin to describe was covering my body like a cool blanket. My heart pounded rapidly inside my abused body, rapping brutally against my chest.

My torso arched up with a final thundering beat that echoed into the silence. The rushing of blood that had filled my ears had quieted as well. And for the first time in a long time, I heard air. The soft movement of air, and the peace that it brought me made me want to lie there, wherever I was, and sleep forever.

But sleep never came. I was relaxed, but alert. Alive, but in so many ways, it seemed, frozen. I did not feel adrenaline rush through my veins, saliva didn't coat my throat, something sharp and bitter did.

Finally I opened my eyes, and turned my head towards a vaguely familiar boy, and I knew.