This is just a little one-shot after the episode 6x18 "Lauren" I hope you enjoy it. I got this idea two weeks ago and did not leave me alone until I finally wrote it . As always any comment or criticism will be appreciated.
I owe a huge thanks to Nebula2 for the beta.
I don't owe Criminal Minds or any of his characters.
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Title: Some Secrets Hurt.
"Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down." - Bede Jarrett.
Watching his colleagues and friends in the conference room, Aaron Hotchner cannot help feeling he failed them. Not only as a leader but as a friend. He's never considered himself a great friend, but right now he cannot help feeling like the worst friend ever. Feeling that he does not deserve their trust.
As team leader, he has always tried to make things as easy as possible for his team, and has often wished to have the power to do something to make them feel better when needed. And that is exactly what it is. Right now, he has the opportunity to take out the sadness and grief that is over the team, his friends, just by telling them she's fine, that she isn't dead. But he won't. He can't. Because that would mean putting her, not only an agent but a friend, in danger and that's something he would never forgive himself for .
He remembers their first day back after they bur… after what happened. Strauss had ordered a week off to the whole team. He entered his office, unable to stop thinking about it, and then later in the day, he found himself looking at the bullpen through the window, hoping to find Prentiss, Reid and Morgan joking about something, as usual, instead he found Morgan absently typing on his computer and Reid looking at the now clean Prentiss' desk.
It had been then that it really hit him what had happened, and what was happening with the team. It had taken a little bit, but after calling his son and talking to him for a while he had been able to return to work.
But now seeing Penelope, he had to literally hold his tongue to avoid saying anything. Her dress and makeup are as usual with bright colors, but the joy did not reach her face. Behind her pink glasses her eyes were red from the many tears shed and her lips usually in a bright smile were now forming a tight line.
He looked at her trying to smile and give Morgan a witty comment about something he said, but her voice breaks mid-sentence and then she's fighting back tears. Morgan immediately puts an arm around her, and as the first tear runs down her cheek, Hotch has to look away.
Penelope Garcia is the light in the dark for all of them, she would say anything to make you laugh when you're having a bad day, and if she falls apart, they all do too, because they cannot function without it. They just can't.
It turns out that looking way does not really help, because now he is looking straight at Spencer, who is sitting in his usual chair, looking down.
Spencer who has not been reciting statistics and random details about anything as before, Spencer who has been too quiet, barely talking to them and pushing away little by little. Spencer who had a long experience in being abandoned by people he loved.
Hotch couldn't help remembering how Reid had taken Gideon's and Elle's departure and how he had called him when he learned that Strauss had offered him retirement, to ask if he would leave the BAU. It was not the same, because Gideon and Elle had decided to leave, and although Spencer could not see them anymore, he knew they were somewhere. No, this was different because Emily had been taken away from them. She was dead or at least that's what Reid and the rest of the team thought .
Hotch made a promise with himself to keep an eye on him. The last thing he needed was something happening to the younger agent if he could prevent it.
Moving his gaze, Hotch was not surprised to see that Morgan was keeping an eye on Reid too.
Derek was feeling angry, sad, and guilty. Angry with himself for not being able to do something and also at Prentiss for not telling them. Him. What was going on and then, came the guilt because Prentiss was "dead." He had not said about this to anybody, but Hotch knew. He had seen it in Morgan's eyes at the funeral. Derek didn't say anything, becaus he was holding together for them. For the team. Hotch knew because he had done it himself before and because if he did not know the truth, he would be doing the same.
Derek was the one who offered to listen, taking care of them and putting his own feelings aside. Focusing on all the others and when he was alone, only then he could acknowledge them. He knew Morgan had accompanied Garcia to the cemetery almost every day, and stayed next to Reid trying to get him to talk or just be there.
After Doyle, Derek had become even more protective of the team and Hotch didn't say anything because that was the way Derek handled things; taking care of others.
Then there was Dave. Of everyone on the team, he was having the hardest time not telling him. Not only because he was his best friend and one time mentor, but because after Dave's support during the investigation of Father Silvano, him and Emily had become very close.
They had not spoken about what happened, he and Dave. Not really anyway, but he could see how much "Prentiss´death" was affecting him. He had seen Dave sitting behind his desk or even in the conference room staring into space, lost in thought, or he had caught him looking at what had been Prentiss desk.
He was brought out of his thoughts, only to find everyone staring at him expectantly and slightly exasperated. Clearing his throat, he ended the meeting and waited until everyone had left the room to take a deep breath. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he picked up the files from the table and went to his office.
Sitting behind his desk, he waited a few minutes before picking up the phone and dialed the familiar number. He had called her from time to time after she left the BAU, but after Doyle he called more often. They exchanged greetings, but before he could say anything she spoke, telling him what she always said when he called: "Everything is okay"
It was something vague, but they both knew what it meant and it helped him breathe a little easier. Then they talked a bit about Jack and Henry and decided to meet soon. He thanked her, as he always did, before hanging up.
It always helped, because knowing that Prentiss was alive somewhere, was a relief. He could keep doing this knowing she was safe. He could keep telling lies if in some way they helped her. He had spent a large part of his life saying lies to protect others, and he could do it again. He only hoped that when the truth came out, his friends, his family could forgive someday.
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"No one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes." - Paulo Coelho.
A/N: Thanks to everyone who read it. I hope you all have enjoyed, and as always feedback is appreciated. Thank you all.