Panda 1/2
Chapter One:
A Proposal to Die FOR(wait there's still more space dust on this title,
it really says A Proposal to die for forty humans.)
Soun Tendo had just finished an exhilarating morning cry, and felt
refreshed and ready to face the day. He casually waltzed down the
stairs and saw Kasumi in the kitchen, already at work abuzz making breakfast,
lunch, and dinner for the next few weeks.
With a rush of emotion, Soun allowed himself a quick sob. Wiping his
eyes, he sauntered past Nabiki in the living room, already at work abuzz
making calculations of how to get the most money from the most people in the
least amount of time. Feeling only slightly less proud, Soun let a few
streams of tears escape his weary eyes.
As he passed the dojo, he gazed upon Akane, already at work abuzz making
short work of the poor practice dummy as she repeatedly slammed it in
the groin.(1)
His heart filling up, he thought: What wonderful daughters I have!
I am truly blessed.
He made his way over to the stand and picked up the mail, letting the
junk mail and bills fall to the floor. Then, seeing a postcard, he
pulled it out with a flourish. As he carefully read the card, his
blissfully happy expression slowly changed into an all-out hundred-watt
grin. He ran back to the main complex of the house.
"Kasmui! Nabiki! Oh, and Akane, too! Come quick! Hurry! Make haste! Come on,
girls! Time's a wasting!" As he waited to catch his breath, his
daughters slowly filed into the room, Kasumi carrying a delicious freshly-baked
pie, Nabiki a delicious, fresh sheet of figures, and Akane a delicious,
fresh, uh, eh, a fresh sheen of sweat covering her, uh, sweaty figure? (2)
Soun grinned at his three daughters. "I have some unbelievably
wonderful news! Guess what?"
Only Kasumi asked "What?" in response, but Soun, unable to stop his
forward momentum, kept going.
"My old friend Genma "Crazed Old Freak" Saotome is coming
here, and . . ."
Soun paused for dramatic effect.
Kasumi smiled obliviously, Nabiki rolled her eyes, and Akane gritted her
teeth.
"He's bringing his son Ranma! You see, we arranged, Genma and I, to have
our school united by engaging our children. So he will become fiance for
one of you!"
All three of his daughters faces changed into perturbed
expressions.
Nabiki bit her lower lip thoughtfully. "Is he cute or rich? Because
that's all that really matters to a cold-hearted b(rhymes with itch)
like me. Oops, did I say that out loud? Ahh!" Nabiki clapped her hands over
her mouth. A tear peeked at the edge of Nabiki's eye. She hastily
dried it.
Kasumi frowned, ignoring Nabiki's outburst. "He's not 'young' is he?
Because younger men are so immature and they can never keep up when it
counts, if you know what I mean."
Akane fumed and steamed, angered beyond belief. "What does it matter?
He's male right? And a boy. Ergo: He deserves pain and punishment," she
said, in the finest philosopher's tradition of logic.
Soun shrugged and looked at Kasumi and Nabiki. "I have no idea." He
laughed to himself. "After all, I've never met him." A chorus of "What's"
and thrown vases accosted Soun.
"Hey, don't kill the messenger! Only rats do that!" While his daughters
tried to figure that one out, Soun took his leave of the room.
***
"Come, on, son, time's wasting!" People turned at the loud commotion,
and saw a bald woman with glasses dragging a young boy. "We've got
to be there by sundown."
"Or what, you'll turn into a reasonable human being?" the boy muttered.
The woman punched him in the stomach.
"Quiet, son of mine. We have to reach the Tendo's . . . Oh Shazbutt."
The woman cringed as the boy flared with an impressive battle aura,
snorting, spitting, and pawing the ground.
"THE TENDOS?!?!?! You little twerp!! I oughta snap your spine."
The woman shuddered. "Listen, boy. I understand why you feel that
way, but you must get over your prejudices against the Tendos."
The boy gritted his teeth. "It's not like I had much of a choice, did I?
You were the one who put me through that horrible training,
Tendo-ken-ai-jie, right, POP?"
The woman held her ears. "Boy, listen to me! Calm down! That training
was for your own good!"
The boy snorted and glared at the woman. "Yeah right."
The woman looked in horror over her son's shoulder.
"What in the world is that?"
The boy whirled. "What?"
A lamp post to the head effectively ended the boy's protestations.
The woman sighed. "Sorry my boy, but it's for your own good." She picked
up his comatose form and strode away.
***
Nabiki peeked her head into the dojo. "Daddy? Where are you dear father
or mine? I need to ask you something important." Soun cringed, and tried
to hide himself in the ceiling but fell down in a matter of seconds.
Nabiki grinned evilly. "Oh sisters? I found him." Instantly, Nabiki was
flanked by her siblings, each holding a weapon of choice, Akane a
mallet, Kasumi a frying pan, and Nabiki a chainsaw.
Soun grinned weakly. "Well you see. I mean. Well. Eh. Uh." A knock
interrupted his dying tirade. "Phew. Saved by the bell. Kasumi, dear
could you get that? And the rest of you, Company Rules, please!"
The younger Tendos groaned. "Oh ok."
Looking slightly put off, Kasumi came into the room followed by a bald
and muscular woman dragging a unconscious boy across the floor, gaining
him a healthy helping of splinters and mothballs.
Akane stared at the beaten boy and started to drool. "Oh man, look at
his bruises, his cuts, his ripped clothing revealing his broken bones.
Oh yeah! Uh, I gotta take a cold shower. See you in a few."
Nabiki stared at the staircase after Akane's quickly retreating form.
"Wow. I never figured Akane went for that sort of thing, but it sure
makes sense. Hmmm. I wonder how I can make money off of this."
The bald woman raced over to the bewildered Soun and got him in a
bone-crushing hug. "Soun, my oldest friend! It is I, Genma!"
Soun looked shocked and pushed her away. "Get away from me, you vile
ugly woman!"
Fires erupted in Genma's eyes causing the ceiling to catch fire. Genma
roared in Soun's face. "I am NO WOMAN!!! You hear me?!" A torrent of
cold water interrupted the tirade (3) and triggered multiple gasps, for in the place
of the unconscious boy was now a comatose and bruised panda.
The battered panda got to its feet and held up a sign: "I'm Ranma Saotome. My
filthy father is sorry and responsible for this."
::TRIGGER FACE-VAULTS::
***
Looking from Heaven, she smacked herself in the face.
"Oy!" (4)
Where am I going with this? You'll find out.
(1) Sense a pattern here?
(2) Hey, they can't all be gems. (If you recognize that reference, I tip
my hat to you.)
(3) Can you tell I love that word? And where'd the water come from?
The plot works in mysterious ways . . .
(4) Now who could that be?
Chapter One:
A Proposal to Die FOR(wait there's still more space dust on this title,
it really says A Proposal to die for forty humans.)
Soun Tendo had just finished an exhilarating morning cry, and felt
refreshed and ready to face the day. He casually waltzed down the
stairs and saw Kasumi in the kitchen, already at work abuzz making breakfast,
lunch, and dinner for the next few weeks.
With a rush of emotion, Soun allowed himself a quick sob. Wiping his
eyes, he sauntered past Nabiki in the living room, already at work abuzz
making calculations of how to get the most money from the most people in the
least amount of time. Feeling only slightly less proud, Soun let a few
streams of tears escape his weary eyes.
As he passed the dojo, he gazed upon Akane, already at work abuzz making
short work of the poor practice dummy as she repeatedly slammed it in
the groin.(1)
His heart filling up, he thought: What wonderful daughters I have!
I am truly blessed.
He made his way over to the stand and picked up the mail, letting the
junk mail and bills fall to the floor. Then, seeing a postcard, he
pulled it out with a flourish. As he carefully read the card, his
blissfully happy expression slowly changed into an all-out hundred-watt
grin. He ran back to the main complex of the house.
"Kasmui! Nabiki! Oh, and Akane, too! Come quick! Hurry! Make haste! Come on,
girls! Time's a wasting!" As he waited to catch his breath, his
daughters slowly filed into the room, Kasumi carrying a delicious freshly-baked
pie, Nabiki a delicious, fresh sheet of figures, and Akane a delicious,
fresh, uh, eh, a fresh sheen of sweat covering her, uh, sweaty figure? (2)
Soun grinned at his three daughters. "I have some unbelievably
wonderful news! Guess what?"
Only Kasumi asked "What?" in response, but Soun, unable to stop his
forward momentum, kept going.
"My old friend Genma "Crazed Old Freak" Saotome is coming
here, and . . ."
Soun paused for dramatic effect.
Kasumi smiled obliviously, Nabiki rolled her eyes, and Akane gritted her
teeth.
"He's bringing his son Ranma! You see, we arranged, Genma and I, to have
our school united by engaging our children. So he will become fiance for
one of you!"
All three of his daughters faces changed into perturbed
expressions.
Nabiki bit her lower lip thoughtfully. "Is he cute or rich? Because
that's all that really matters to a cold-hearted b(rhymes with itch)
like me. Oops, did I say that out loud? Ahh!" Nabiki clapped her hands over
her mouth. A tear peeked at the edge of Nabiki's eye. She hastily
dried it.
Kasumi frowned, ignoring Nabiki's outburst. "He's not 'young' is he?
Because younger men are so immature and they can never keep up when it
counts, if you know what I mean."
Akane fumed and steamed, angered beyond belief. "What does it matter?
He's male right? And a boy. Ergo: He deserves pain and punishment," she
said, in the finest philosopher's tradition of logic.
Soun shrugged and looked at Kasumi and Nabiki. "I have no idea." He
laughed to himself. "After all, I've never met him." A chorus of "What's"
and thrown vases accosted Soun.
"Hey, don't kill the messenger! Only rats do that!" While his daughters
tried to figure that one out, Soun took his leave of the room.
***
"Come, on, son, time's wasting!" People turned at the loud commotion,
and saw a bald woman with glasses dragging a young boy. "We've got
to be there by sundown."
"Or what, you'll turn into a reasonable human being?" the boy muttered.
The woman punched him in the stomach.
"Quiet, son of mine. We have to reach the Tendo's . . . Oh Shazbutt."
The woman cringed as the boy flared with an impressive battle aura,
snorting, spitting, and pawing the ground.
"THE TENDOS?!?!?! You little twerp!! I oughta snap your spine."
The woman shuddered. "Listen, boy. I understand why you feel that
way, but you must get over your prejudices against the Tendos."
The boy gritted his teeth. "It's not like I had much of a choice, did I?
You were the one who put me through that horrible training,
Tendo-ken-ai-jie, right, POP?"
The woman held her ears. "Boy, listen to me! Calm down! That training
was for your own good!"
The boy snorted and glared at the woman. "Yeah right."
The woman looked in horror over her son's shoulder.
"What in the world is that?"
The boy whirled. "What?"
A lamp post to the head effectively ended the boy's protestations.
The woman sighed. "Sorry my boy, but it's for your own good." She picked
up his comatose form and strode away.
***
Nabiki peeked her head into the dojo. "Daddy? Where are you dear father
or mine? I need to ask you something important." Soun cringed, and tried
to hide himself in the ceiling but fell down in a matter of seconds.
Nabiki grinned evilly. "Oh sisters? I found him." Instantly, Nabiki was
flanked by her siblings, each holding a weapon of choice, Akane a
mallet, Kasumi a frying pan, and Nabiki a chainsaw.
Soun grinned weakly. "Well you see. I mean. Well. Eh. Uh." A knock
interrupted his dying tirade. "Phew. Saved by the bell. Kasumi, dear
could you get that? And the rest of you, Company Rules, please!"
The younger Tendos groaned. "Oh ok."
Looking slightly put off, Kasumi came into the room followed by a bald
and muscular woman dragging a unconscious boy across the floor, gaining
him a healthy helping of splinters and mothballs.
Akane stared at the beaten boy and started to drool. "Oh man, look at
his bruises, his cuts, his ripped clothing revealing his broken bones.
Oh yeah! Uh, I gotta take a cold shower. See you in a few."
Nabiki stared at the staircase after Akane's quickly retreating form.
"Wow. I never figured Akane went for that sort of thing, but it sure
makes sense. Hmmm. I wonder how I can make money off of this."
The bald woman raced over to the bewildered Soun and got him in a
bone-crushing hug. "Soun, my oldest friend! It is I, Genma!"
Soun looked shocked and pushed her away. "Get away from me, you vile
ugly woman!"
Fires erupted in Genma's eyes causing the ceiling to catch fire. Genma
roared in Soun's face. "I am NO WOMAN!!! You hear me?!" A torrent of
cold water interrupted the tirade (3) and triggered multiple gasps, for in the place
of the unconscious boy was now a comatose and bruised panda.
The battered panda got to its feet and held up a sign: "I'm Ranma Saotome. My
filthy father is sorry and responsible for this."
::TRIGGER FACE-VAULTS::
***
Looking from Heaven, she smacked herself in the face.
"Oy!" (4)
Where am I going with this? You'll find out.
(1) Sense a pattern here?
(2) Hey, they can't all be gems. (If you recognize that reference, I tip
my hat to you.)
(3) Can you tell I love that word? And where'd the water come from?
The plot works in mysterious ways . . .
(4) Now who could that be?