FINAL FANTASY V + V
DISCLAIMER:
Don't own it.
1
Tidus stood before a large screen. His father was on it. This disgusted Tidus. He walked along. Suddenly, a voice started narrating his recollections of the past.
Voice: It's been ten years since Jecht was found missing. What a day that was. Women cried while the men started to party and drink beer until all of us was passed out on the floor. Yeah, my dad was there too. We tried to talk about Jecht, but we were so fucked up, I think we got on to the subject of cement monkeys representing oatmeal sandwiches. I'm rich because of that idea too.
Tidus stopped and looked to his left and saw two cement monkeys on top of each other. One had a spoon in its ass, and the other was trying to get it with a box of oatmeal in the opposing hand.
Tidus: Holy shit! God damn! Heh...
Tidus was amused by this, and he continued along.
Voice: Well, anyway, I remember Jecht's words of wisdom. One is "My son is a fucking piece of cock-sucking, male asshole-consuming, homo-fucking, bitching--
Tidus stopped and listened. Five hours passed by.
Voice:--god damn, nut-fucked, skinny, whorish SHIT!!!!
Tidus mind about collapsed. His eyes widened. He looked down off of the road and saw some man at a table talking into a microphone.
Voice: Jecht kicked major ass in every way. His son is the star player for the Abes, but he'll never, EVER be as goo--
The Statue of Monkeys came tumbling down and knocking the narrator into the water below, while Tidus happily watched many pirahnas eat his flesh. He continued on to blitz.
At the blitzball game, a ball was thrown around, people cheered for water, and the players were happy the water was cheering for them. D'uh ... well, it made no sense, anyway, so... well, Tidus threw this guy through the sphere. The fans started to brutally cut him with their knives. Then a score was made, Tidus hopped out of the sphere in hopes of kicking his famous Sphere Shot, but some large fish attacked Zanarkand that day. And this large fish was equipped with rocket launchers, grenades, and all kinds of explosive artilery that any kid would laugh at on TV. And he used them and his friends to attack.
Auron waited patiently for Tidus to magically end up far away from the start of destruction. Tidus got up and looked around in amazement. He noticed Auron.
Tidus: Auron.
Auron: I was waiting for you.
Tidus: What are you talking about?
Auron: I was waiting for you ... what's so fucking complicated? Come.
Tidus: What are you talking about?
Auron: Follow me, fuck-head. Damn!
So, Auron and Tidus ran along through the would-be-destroyed-Zanarkand. They approached sin spawns, little miniature elephants that are blue, green, and shiny, and have wings. Well, they KIND OF look like elephants... Tidus, being the dumbass that he is, started to punch them, but fell down and started to eaten. His HP dropped to one before Auron decided to get them off of him. He swung his sword and hit them all.
Tidus got up in pain and injury and got on one knee.
Tidus: Why ... didn't ... you ... get ... them off ... huh ... when ... my HP .... was around ... one hundred or somethin ...
Auron: It was just too amusing.
Tidus: What are you talking about?
Auron: God damn! Tidus! Stop swinging your fucking hand at me and start comprehending! Here, take this.
Auron pulled out a sword with a large curve around the end. Tidus thought it looked cool. He grabbed it but immediately cut himself with the ending curve. One HP down for Tidus, and he was unconscious.
Auron: Fuck!
Auron took Tidus and put him on his shoulder. His sword was gone, considering this didn't have anything to do with being in battle, pre- battle, or after battle. He took him to the nearest store.
Auron: Ten phoenix downs.
Clerk: For the love of God! People are getting eaten! The Large Fish Man is destroying everything! And you want a PHOENIX DOWN?!
Auron: Uh ... yeah ...
Clerk: Well, when I think about it, I guess that does make sense. Here you go.
Auron wasted all of his gil on phoenix downs, and gave one to Tidus. Tidus popped up quickly.
Tidus: D'uh, keep the cunt away! D'uh ... what's going on.
Auron: To get this show rolling, take the fucking sword and start killing fucking fiends!
Tidus took the sword and looked around. Millions of sin spawns were eating and killing people.
Tidus: Whare are yo--
Auron, in fury, took out his katana.
Tidus: Oh, THOSE fiends ... with THIS sword.
Auron: No time to waste!
So, some funky technicolor radial blur stuff happened, and then they were in battle.
Auron: Don't bother going after all of them, hit the ones that matter and run!
Tidus, being himself, hit the one farthest away from the center.
Auron: Tidus!!!!
Auron slammed his sword onto the ground, which accidentally caused the overdrive technique "Dragon Fang" to occur. Auron turned around and pointed at nothing
Auron: Those---uh, nevermind. Let's go.
So off they killed small monsters and a big one. After that, Auron explained the sphere to Tidus.
Auron: Tidus, this is a sphere. If you touch it, then your health will come back and you will save all of your consciousness and past occurances into the recipreal center of the inner celis of the wall that surrounds the nucleus of the wodem, which is the white ball in the middle. See how it always turns? It turns to keep all of your memomy within divided balances. The white ripples are the objects that subject all of the energy you put in to the wodem.
Tidus: D'uh ...
Auron pushed his glasses up and looked at Tidus. Tidus then nodded his head.
Tidus: I get it!
So, Tidus walked off without touching the sphere.
Auron: Sigh ... TIDUS!
Tidus: What?
Auron: Touch the fucking sphere!
Tidus: Ah!
Tidus touched the sphere, felt stronger, and walked on. Auron looked at the sphere, and then at Tidus.
Auron: Huh ... this is going to suck balls.
Tidus approached the screen with Jecht on it.
Tidus: What are you laughing at, old man?
Jecht: You, you fucking imbosile! Why don't you do something right for a change! God damn, boy! You could at least please your fucking father! HA! YOU'RE PATHETIC!!
Tidus was very surprised. He about cried.
Auron (yelling at Sin): Jecht!
Sin turned and tsunamis destroyed what was left of the city behind him.
Auron: ... take it easy...
Jecht/Sin: But this is too fucking fun!
Auron: Just go ahead and beam us up.
With that being said, Auron and Tidus were being sucked up into Sin. Tidus was hanging on by Auron's hand.
Auron: This ... is your story...
Tidus: What are you talking about?
Auron: Okay, that was acceptable, since it was kind of hard to understand.
Then they were sucked up.
2
You know, I would describe what happened at the Baaj Temple, and the Al Bhed ship ... but I don't feel like it.
3
Tidus found himself in water. He tried to breathe, but choked, although playing blitzball requires the skill to breath underwater. But, nevertheless, he choked because he cannot breathe under water. Maybe it's the sphere itself ... wait, maybe it's a pile of shit ... hmm...
Tidus turned around and saw a bunch of Islanders looking at him.
Tidus: Hey! I'm okay!
Just then, a blitzball came and knocked Tidus back into the water.
Tidus woke up and found himself underwater again. And once again he choked. He saw the Islanders again.
Tidus: I said I was all right!
Another blitzball came and hit Tidus.
Tidus woke up and found himself underwater ... again ... and he choked because of the water ... again. Tidus took one of the blitzballs and did a Sphere Shot right into one of the Islander's face.
Man: OW! THAT FUCKING HURT! Why'd you do that for?
Tidus: Because you hit me twice with a blitzball!
Man: We were just seeing if you were okay or not!
Tidus: Didn't I give you the sign that I was okay?
Man: D'uh ... which sign was that?
Tidus: Me waving my hands in the air, showing consciousness, and let's not forget about me yelling "I'm okay!"
Man: Eh ... I didn't hear anything. Did you, fellas?
Various Blitzball Players: D'uh ... sure. No, you crock-of-shit-captain! Fuck you, Wakka! We really suck, ya?
Man: D'uh... hmm ... well, my players are always mixed up and such, ya?
Tidus: "Ya?" You fuckin' kiddin' me?
Man: Oh, me name's Wakka, coach, captain, player, bench warmer, back massager, hand-n-blow job giver, and lunch-server for the Besaid Aurochs, brudda. OH, YEAH!!!
By now, Tidus is really confused, and as you would imagine, he was grossed out by Wakka's various jobs. Heh, jobs ... get it ... ah ha ha ....
Tidus: How much do they ... pay you to do all--
Tidus started to puke uncontrollably, but who would blame him. That sick fuck!
Tidus: --all of your ... jobs ... heh-heh... d'uh ...
Wakka: Pay? Hmm ...
Tidus: Holy mother of shit-filled potatoes...
Wakka just came to realize that his nose was bleeding profusely. But he didn't really do anything about it.
Wakka: Well, considering I have acknowledged the huge stream of blood running down my face, I will judge that you be a good blitzball player, ya? What team you be playin for?
Tidus: The Zanarkand Abes!
Everyone gasped at Tidus's comment. Then, they all stared at him for many moments. Tidus twitched his eyes back and forth, waiting for someone to break the ice.
Tidus: Yes .... ZANARKAND ... that destroyed CITY .... that was DESTROYED over a THOUSAND years ago ...
Everyone looked at Tidus for another few moments. Then, Wakka actually made a movement.
Wakka: Oh, I get it!
Tidus: Get what?
Wakka: So ... you play for the Zanarkand Abes, ya?
Tidus: .... yes ....
Wakka: That city was destroyed over a thousand years ago!
Tidus: Oh, Jesus ...
Tidus scratched his head. Meeting someone stupider than himself was simply mind boggling to say the least.
Wakka: I take it you hungry, considering you must've not ... eaten .... *starts to laugh* ... for ... over ... a thousand ... YEARS! YA!? YA?! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
All of his teammates started to laugh along with him. Tidus then just looked around.
4
They continued to laugh until nightfall. And then the sun came up. They were still fucking laughing! What the FUCK is wrong with these people?!
5
Wakka: So, you be hungry?
Tidus: Uh ... what can I say but ... yes ... ?
Wakka: Okay, I getcha some cock?
Tidus: What?
Wakka: You know ... COCK ... that good stuff. It's the best frog legs in town!
Tidus: How in the fuck .... can you associate 'cock' ... with 'frog legs'...
Wakka: Yevon told Besaid to do that. Not many people eat it, though.
Tidus: Color me surprise ...
Wakka: But you gotta listen to Yevon. It's like this religion thing for simple-minded shitheads.
Tidus: Any information that would surprise me at the least bit?
Wakka: Your shoes are untied...
Tidus: Oh, really ... didn't know that.
Tidus looked down to see his shoes still tied.
Tidus: Hey! My shoes a---
Then Wakka kicked Tidus in the balls ... really hard ... I mean ... they almost burst ...
Tidus: OOOHaaaah .... haa-aaah.... ha-ah ... Wa..kka ... why?
Wakka: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Gotcha right in the grapefruits!
Tidus: Yeah ... tha-ats ... about ri...ight ...
Wakka: Oh, follow me, ya big load. We go back to the village!
Tidus: Great ...
Wakka: I gotta get me some cock soon!
Tidus: What ... are ... you talking ... about ... ?
Wakka: I just explained it to you! Come on, you ball-less dumbass!
Tidus: Ball-less? Are you kidding me?
So, Wakka walked off, and Tidus crawled towards him. They approached another save sphere. Wakka waited for Tidus as Tidus eventually crawled to Wakka.
Wakka: Oh, yeah! Touch this sphere, ya?
Tidus: Why do I have to touch these fucking spheres?!
Wakka: Well, you see, If you touch it, then your health will come back and you will save all of your consciousness and past occurances into the recipreal center o--
Tidus: Oh, forget it!
Tidus touched the sphere, the light came up, it was saved, and they left for the cliff.
DISCLAIMER:
Don't own it.
1
Tidus stood before a large screen. His father was on it. This disgusted Tidus. He walked along. Suddenly, a voice started narrating his recollections of the past.
Voice: It's been ten years since Jecht was found missing. What a day that was. Women cried while the men started to party and drink beer until all of us was passed out on the floor. Yeah, my dad was there too. We tried to talk about Jecht, but we were so fucked up, I think we got on to the subject of cement monkeys representing oatmeal sandwiches. I'm rich because of that idea too.
Tidus stopped and looked to his left and saw two cement monkeys on top of each other. One had a spoon in its ass, and the other was trying to get it with a box of oatmeal in the opposing hand.
Tidus: Holy shit! God damn! Heh...
Tidus was amused by this, and he continued along.
Voice: Well, anyway, I remember Jecht's words of wisdom. One is "My son is a fucking piece of cock-sucking, male asshole-consuming, homo-fucking, bitching--
Tidus stopped and listened. Five hours passed by.
Voice:--god damn, nut-fucked, skinny, whorish SHIT!!!!
Tidus mind about collapsed. His eyes widened. He looked down off of the road and saw some man at a table talking into a microphone.
Voice: Jecht kicked major ass in every way. His son is the star player for the Abes, but he'll never, EVER be as goo--
The Statue of Monkeys came tumbling down and knocking the narrator into the water below, while Tidus happily watched many pirahnas eat his flesh. He continued on to blitz.
At the blitzball game, a ball was thrown around, people cheered for water, and the players were happy the water was cheering for them. D'uh ... well, it made no sense, anyway, so... well, Tidus threw this guy through the sphere. The fans started to brutally cut him with their knives. Then a score was made, Tidus hopped out of the sphere in hopes of kicking his famous Sphere Shot, but some large fish attacked Zanarkand that day. And this large fish was equipped with rocket launchers, grenades, and all kinds of explosive artilery that any kid would laugh at on TV. And he used them and his friends to attack.
Auron waited patiently for Tidus to magically end up far away from the start of destruction. Tidus got up and looked around in amazement. He noticed Auron.
Tidus: Auron.
Auron: I was waiting for you.
Tidus: What are you talking about?
Auron: I was waiting for you ... what's so fucking complicated? Come.
Tidus: What are you talking about?
Auron: Follow me, fuck-head. Damn!
So, Auron and Tidus ran along through the would-be-destroyed-Zanarkand. They approached sin spawns, little miniature elephants that are blue, green, and shiny, and have wings. Well, they KIND OF look like elephants... Tidus, being the dumbass that he is, started to punch them, but fell down and started to eaten. His HP dropped to one before Auron decided to get them off of him. He swung his sword and hit them all.
Tidus got up in pain and injury and got on one knee.
Tidus: Why ... didn't ... you ... get ... them off ... huh ... when ... my HP .... was around ... one hundred or somethin ...
Auron: It was just too amusing.
Tidus: What are you talking about?
Auron: God damn! Tidus! Stop swinging your fucking hand at me and start comprehending! Here, take this.
Auron pulled out a sword with a large curve around the end. Tidus thought it looked cool. He grabbed it but immediately cut himself with the ending curve. One HP down for Tidus, and he was unconscious.
Auron: Fuck!
Auron took Tidus and put him on his shoulder. His sword was gone, considering this didn't have anything to do with being in battle, pre- battle, or after battle. He took him to the nearest store.
Auron: Ten phoenix downs.
Clerk: For the love of God! People are getting eaten! The Large Fish Man is destroying everything! And you want a PHOENIX DOWN?!
Auron: Uh ... yeah ...
Clerk: Well, when I think about it, I guess that does make sense. Here you go.
Auron wasted all of his gil on phoenix downs, and gave one to Tidus. Tidus popped up quickly.
Tidus: D'uh, keep the cunt away! D'uh ... what's going on.
Auron: To get this show rolling, take the fucking sword and start killing fucking fiends!
Tidus took the sword and looked around. Millions of sin spawns were eating and killing people.
Tidus: Whare are yo--
Auron, in fury, took out his katana.
Tidus: Oh, THOSE fiends ... with THIS sword.
Auron: No time to waste!
So, some funky technicolor radial blur stuff happened, and then they were in battle.
Auron: Don't bother going after all of them, hit the ones that matter and run!
Tidus, being himself, hit the one farthest away from the center.
Auron: Tidus!!!!
Auron slammed his sword onto the ground, which accidentally caused the overdrive technique "Dragon Fang" to occur. Auron turned around and pointed at nothing
Auron: Those---uh, nevermind. Let's go.
So off they killed small monsters and a big one. After that, Auron explained the sphere to Tidus.
Auron: Tidus, this is a sphere. If you touch it, then your health will come back and you will save all of your consciousness and past occurances into the recipreal center of the inner celis of the wall that surrounds the nucleus of the wodem, which is the white ball in the middle. See how it always turns? It turns to keep all of your memomy within divided balances. The white ripples are the objects that subject all of the energy you put in to the wodem.
Tidus: D'uh ...
Auron pushed his glasses up and looked at Tidus. Tidus then nodded his head.
Tidus: I get it!
So, Tidus walked off without touching the sphere.
Auron: Sigh ... TIDUS!
Tidus: What?
Auron: Touch the fucking sphere!
Tidus: Ah!
Tidus touched the sphere, felt stronger, and walked on. Auron looked at the sphere, and then at Tidus.
Auron: Huh ... this is going to suck balls.
Tidus approached the screen with Jecht on it.
Tidus: What are you laughing at, old man?
Jecht: You, you fucking imbosile! Why don't you do something right for a change! God damn, boy! You could at least please your fucking father! HA! YOU'RE PATHETIC!!
Tidus was very surprised. He about cried.
Auron (yelling at Sin): Jecht!
Sin turned and tsunamis destroyed what was left of the city behind him.
Auron: ... take it easy...
Jecht/Sin: But this is too fucking fun!
Auron: Just go ahead and beam us up.
With that being said, Auron and Tidus were being sucked up into Sin. Tidus was hanging on by Auron's hand.
Auron: This ... is your story...
Tidus: What are you talking about?
Auron: Okay, that was acceptable, since it was kind of hard to understand.
Then they were sucked up.
2
You know, I would describe what happened at the Baaj Temple, and the Al Bhed ship ... but I don't feel like it.
3
Tidus found himself in water. He tried to breathe, but choked, although playing blitzball requires the skill to breath underwater. But, nevertheless, he choked because he cannot breathe under water. Maybe it's the sphere itself ... wait, maybe it's a pile of shit ... hmm...
Tidus turned around and saw a bunch of Islanders looking at him.
Tidus: Hey! I'm okay!
Just then, a blitzball came and knocked Tidus back into the water.
Tidus woke up and found himself underwater again. And once again he choked. He saw the Islanders again.
Tidus: I said I was all right!
Another blitzball came and hit Tidus.
Tidus woke up and found himself underwater ... again ... and he choked because of the water ... again. Tidus took one of the blitzballs and did a Sphere Shot right into one of the Islander's face.
Man: OW! THAT FUCKING HURT! Why'd you do that for?
Tidus: Because you hit me twice with a blitzball!
Man: We were just seeing if you were okay or not!
Tidus: Didn't I give you the sign that I was okay?
Man: D'uh ... which sign was that?
Tidus: Me waving my hands in the air, showing consciousness, and let's not forget about me yelling "I'm okay!"
Man: Eh ... I didn't hear anything. Did you, fellas?
Various Blitzball Players: D'uh ... sure. No, you crock-of-shit-captain! Fuck you, Wakka! We really suck, ya?
Man: D'uh... hmm ... well, my players are always mixed up and such, ya?
Tidus: "Ya?" You fuckin' kiddin' me?
Man: Oh, me name's Wakka, coach, captain, player, bench warmer, back massager, hand-n-blow job giver, and lunch-server for the Besaid Aurochs, brudda. OH, YEAH!!!
By now, Tidus is really confused, and as you would imagine, he was grossed out by Wakka's various jobs. Heh, jobs ... get it ... ah ha ha ....
Tidus: How much do they ... pay you to do all--
Tidus started to puke uncontrollably, but who would blame him. That sick fuck!
Tidus: --all of your ... jobs ... heh-heh... d'uh ...
Wakka: Pay? Hmm ...
Tidus: Holy mother of shit-filled potatoes...
Wakka just came to realize that his nose was bleeding profusely. But he didn't really do anything about it.
Wakka: Well, considering I have acknowledged the huge stream of blood running down my face, I will judge that you be a good blitzball player, ya? What team you be playin for?
Tidus: The Zanarkand Abes!
Everyone gasped at Tidus's comment. Then, they all stared at him for many moments. Tidus twitched his eyes back and forth, waiting for someone to break the ice.
Tidus: Yes .... ZANARKAND ... that destroyed CITY .... that was DESTROYED over a THOUSAND years ago ...
Everyone looked at Tidus for another few moments. Then, Wakka actually made a movement.
Wakka: Oh, I get it!
Tidus: Get what?
Wakka: So ... you play for the Zanarkand Abes, ya?
Tidus: .... yes ....
Wakka: That city was destroyed over a thousand years ago!
Tidus: Oh, Jesus ...
Tidus scratched his head. Meeting someone stupider than himself was simply mind boggling to say the least.
Wakka: I take it you hungry, considering you must've not ... eaten .... *starts to laugh* ... for ... over ... a thousand ... YEARS! YA!? YA?! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
All of his teammates started to laugh along with him. Tidus then just looked around.
4
They continued to laugh until nightfall. And then the sun came up. They were still fucking laughing! What the FUCK is wrong with these people?!
5
Wakka: So, you be hungry?
Tidus: Uh ... what can I say but ... yes ... ?
Wakka: Okay, I getcha some cock?
Tidus: What?
Wakka: You know ... COCK ... that good stuff. It's the best frog legs in town!
Tidus: How in the fuck .... can you associate 'cock' ... with 'frog legs'...
Wakka: Yevon told Besaid to do that. Not many people eat it, though.
Tidus: Color me surprise ...
Wakka: But you gotta listen to Yevon. It's like this religion thing for simple-minded shitheads.
Tidus: Any information that would surprise me at the least bit?
Wakka: Your shoes are untied...
Tidus: Oh, really ... didn't know that.
Tidus looked down to see his shoes still tied.
Tidus: Hey! My shoes a---
Then Wakka kicked Tidus in the balls ... really hard ... I mean ... they almost burst ...
Tidus: OOOHaaaah .... haa-aaah.... ha-ah ... Wa..kka ... why?
Wakka: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Gotcha right in the grapefruits!
Tidus: Yeah ... tha-ats ... about ri...ight ...
Wakka: Oh, follow me, ya big load. We go back to the village!
Tidus: Great ...
Wakka: I gotta get me some cock soon!
Tidus: What ... are ... you talking ... about ... ?
Wakka: I just explained it to you! Come on, you ball-less dumbass!
Tidus: Ball-less? Are you kidding me?
So, Wakka walked off, and Tidus crawled towards him. They approached another save sphere. Wakka waited for Tidus as Tidus eventually crawled to Wakka.
Wakka: Oh, yeah! Touch this sphere, ya?
Tidus: Why do I have to touch these fucking spheres?!
Wakka: Well, you see, If you touch it, then your health will come back and you will save all of your consciousness and past occurances into the recipreal center o--
Tidus: Oh, forget it!
Tidus touched the sphere, the light came up, it was saved, and they left for the cliff.