Sunday:
"Everything has changed...Nothing has changed..."
The sun beat down heavily on the empty streets on the outskirts of Tokyo, driving all that stood below to a standstill. Neglected buildings with the whitewash flaking off and rusted iron railings shimmered violently under the intense heat, and the noticeable absence of life added to the insubstantiality and ghostliness of the scene. The road leading out from the city centre had degraded to become little more than a dirt track that had seen little use from traffic and yielded more footprints than tyre tracks. The makeshift gardens had become overgrown with weeds and any flowers had long since withered and died.
One lone woman walked in silence through the empty, shifting landscape. Through the haze, only she appeared alive and real, and only her outline remained stable. Her features were broad, well defined and healthy, and she stood a little taller than what might be called average. Straight black hair ran down her back, just past the length where it started to look a little awkward, and her make-up too also looked just slightly out of place on a face which, while all too adult, had the open beauty and clarity of a young, innocent girl. Her eyes were singularly clear and kind, but moved restlessly, as if she were never really sure of anything around her; as if they were searching for something and knew not what they were searching for.
Eventually the woman stopped in front of a rough stone building that seemed even more unreal than those surrounding it. The rather crude spire and cross identified the building to be a Christian Church, or at least some type of gathering place for those of the faith. A wooden frame feebly proclaimed the building to be the Holy Catholic Church of All Saints. The woman felt slightly relieved at this. A catholic church meant lots of dogma, and any type of dogma was something that helped her focus, helped her in her search. Mizuki Alice took a deep hopeful breath and walked up to the wooden door, her fingers purposely twisting the loose handle until she heard the latch click quietly open and felt the door give way
After the grim heat of the summer sun, the coolness of the shade inside the church was a welcome relief... and also a disappointment. Alice had been hoping for an ages heavy atmosphere filled with the devout praying on their holy day, but the inside of the church was light and airy and more than a little disorderly. A notice board was adorned with a child's rough crayon drawings of families, crosses and other religious paraphernalia, along with an oft-altered timetable of religious sermons. Scanning downwards on the notice board, Alice spotted a little note at the end in neat, scripted handwriting. The note said cheerfully that there would be no sermon this Sunday due to illness and apologised sincerely before wishing the Lord's blessing on the congregation. This was no great truth; there was no weight to this, this was just part of a community. Something like this could not provide her with answers, or even give form to the questions.
Alice by now was ready to go home, but for some reason she couldn't fathom, she decided to search deeper into the church. Her feet guided her into the congregation room and as she slowly drew into the main hall, she found herself disappointed even further. While all the main components of a church were in place, the altar and the lecterns looked completely inorganic and seemed more like furniture or ornaments than the holy artifices of God. There were also only four pews at the front, the rest being taken up by plastic chairs that seemed ready to collapse at any moment. Alice ran a finger around the collar of her blouse and sighed in annoyance. The young teacher had gone out of her way a fair bit to come to this, and it turned out to be a waste of her day. Not that every other day spent searching so far hadn't been a waste as well.
Alice turned to leave suddenly found herself meeting the wide-eyed gaze of a young woman who had been sitting silently at the side of the hall the whole time.
"Oh," Alice noticeably jumped. "You frightened me! I didn't realise there was anyone else in here!" The teacher laughed nervously as she awaited the watcher's reaction. A small smile crossed the woman's pale features as she watched Alice with a far-away look in her large brown eyes. Alice shifted a little uncomfortably under her gaze for a while, but soon ignored it and lost herself in studying her watcher intently. It was difficult to tell her age: she was short and a little scrawny, her spaghetti-strap top showing limbs with the skin drawn painfully tight across her elbows and shoulder blades. She had short, brown hair that hung in a single pony-tail down her left cheek, highlighting her childish features even further: a small, narrow mouth and nose contrasting sharply with deep brown eyes that held a kind of weariness completely at odds with her waiflike appearance.
The feature that Alice found herself most drawn to though, was a fine red scar running horizontally across the young woman's right cheek. As she gazed upon it, she felt an unpleasant feeling rising in her stomach and clawing distantly at her heart. She dug deep within her mind to find the source of the emotion, something she has been doing a lot of with little noticeable success: perhaps she had known this woman and forgotten about her, or known someone like her? Something about the waiflike girl's appearance, and particularly the scar, seemed maddeningly familiar to Alice's mind; but it was as though the events it reminded her of had been too painful, and her nerves had snapped shut on the memory to prevent the mysterious emotion from hitting her fully. Alice inwardly raged with frustration, for all her adulthood it seemed as if she was missing the most vital fragments of life and who she was... and this girl was intensifying that feeling to the point where the walls of Alice's already fractured mind seemed ready to collapse completely.
All the time, the woman simply watched Alice's increasingly perplexed and frustrated expression as though she was gazing at a particularly unique and beautiful painting. When she felt Alice's eyes focus on her once more, however, she realized her staring was making her uncomfortable and her serene appearance cracked immediately. A blush sprang quickly onto to the woman's pallid skin as she ducked her eyes and coughed nervously. It had been too far long and she was slowly forgetting the little nuances of communication... she couldn't afford to ruin things yet another time...
"I... didn't mean to frighten you... I just," the woman stammered awkwardly over the words like an actress forgetting her lines, "didn't expect someone to be in at this time... um." A flash of inspiration, "with the priest being off and all that..." the quick, breathy voice fitted well with her appearance: hollow and waiflike. Alice breathed a sigh of relief, this woman was real after all and not just some silent illusion created by an overly tired mind. Still, she seemed familiar.
The teacher gave her most reassuring smile. "That's alright," she said, softening her voice, "I didn't mean to disturb you," another nervous laugh, "I imagine you came here to be by yourself. I'll be on my way if..."
"No! No! Actually, I... I could use some company..." The words came out too quick, too desperate. "I mean... if you would, that is, if you don't mind."
Alice looked inquisitively at the woman, who seemed to grow more and more vulnerable with each passing moment. She was clearly harbouring some great distress, her breath coming quick and erratic and eyes glazed over with worry... and as those large brown eyes pleaded desperately for her to stay, something tugged strongly at Alice's heartstrings. Nurturing those who needed it was an integral part of who she was.
Alice walked calmly across to the woman, who seemed to grow increasingly nervous and uncomfortable as she neared. Sitting herself down on the adjacent chair, she reached over with her hand and placed it softly on the woman's bare white arm, running it slowly upwards until it rested on her shoulder. Alice shuddered inwardly at how cold her skin felt; it was clammy and unnatural, leading her to think that perhaps the young woman was maybe some type of drug addict. Certainly, she seemed to share the symptoms of someone who was frequently using cocaine, or maybe something stronger along the lines of heroin or accel. Alice noted how the girl had initially froze at her touch, but had slowly relaxed, her eyes closing halfway and breathing stabilising to a deep steady rhythm.
A moment passed before moist brown eyes turned back towards blue, the serene cast to them having been returned at the taller woman's touch. A sad smile forced its way onto her features as tears started to trickle slowly down her cheeks.
Suddenly, the dam broke and the pale woman gripped Alice's arm with incredible ferocity, burying her head into the taller woman's shoulder and sobbing luxuriously. The young teacher put an arm around the girl's shoulders and drew her into her comforting embrace, stroking her hair and back to placate whatever demons were troubling the suffering girl's mind. Alice felt good offering this kind of succor, it seemed that the day was not wasted after all. Judging from her state, this woman was desperately lonely and without her having walked into the church at that point could have deteriorated yet further. The opportunity to repair someone's life was something that the kind-hearted Alice would trade any or all of her happiness to grasp.
Eventually the woman released her grip and pulled reluctantly, yet purposely away from the teacher's warmth, settling into a notably more distant position on her chair. Turning her eyes away from Alice, the girl sat upright in her chair and stared intently ahead into the empty church, the space seeming to distort and ripple before her gaze. For an instant, all of her vulnerability vanished and Alice froze as she felt the temperature around her increase drastically. Her head felt light and she found it harder and harder to concentrate on the endlessly shifting scene around her.
Just as she felt she was about to black out, the dizziness stopped as quickly as it had taken hold. Alice blinked and shook her head a couple of times, trying to figure out what just happened.
The teacher focused back on the pale woman sitting next to her, who was now looking back at her with large, concerned eyes. Regret now played subtly along the contours of her face; accentuating her weariness and making her look older than was at first apparent.
"I'm sorry for what happened, you don't have to stay, I'm just being selfish again." She murmured quietly, "It always gets the better of me..."
Alice smiled, trying not to look disconcerted by her previous spell of dizziness.
"It's okay," she cooed, "just tell me what's wrong with you, best to get it out of your system than leave it all trapped inside, hey?"
The woman smiled tiredly and sighed. "It's kinda complicated..." the eyes glanced out again into the hall for a moment, "You know, I don't even know your name yet."
"Alice," answered the teacher, looking a little embarrassed, "it's an odd name, I know. My parents took it from the Alice in Wonderland stories, but it doesn't change the fact I'm a Japanese with an English name."
"I don't even think it's originally English," murmured the woman in reply, which made Alice start: it wasn't the answer she was expecting. "Apparently it first appeared in its current form in Germany, though I could be wrong. It sounds more French to me." A slight pause as the woman raked through the information in her mind; "However, I do know for certain that it means 'noble', or 'truth'."
The girl's smile suddenly turned natural as she made eye contact with Alice. The teacher felt the warmth that was before absent wash over her like a summer's tide. It had been a long time since she felt anything like this, and she found herself unable to avoid smiling back. The nagging feeling of familiarity came back: Alice felt that she had not only known this girl, but known her intimately.
The shorter woman continued, still smiling. "It suits you better than you think, you shouldn't be so embarrassed by it."
Alice blushed at the compliment, and took a moment to gather her wits sufficiently to reply. "Thank you," she replied, still smiling, "could you tell me yours?"
The smile vanished from the girl's face, her eyes darted around nervously before fixing themselves unerringly on Alice's face. The teacher guessed she was debating with herself as to whether or not she should reveal her identity. Alice was about to assure the girl she didn't have to give her name if she didn't want to when she suddenly took a deep breath and quickly stammered out: "Lain. Iwakura Lain."
The name echoed dangerously around the hall far more than the acoustics should have allowed. The heat increased yet again, only to ebb when the sound faded back out of existence. Alice blinked incredulously while she replayed the name over and over in her head. She had heard that name somewhere before, she was certain, and not only that, it sounded like an answer. To what, she didn't know, but it seemed to be the logical conclusion of everything and everyone around her.
Alice snapped back to reality and silently cursed her inattention; she was supposed to be listening to the girl, and not coming to irrational conclusions about her name. Alice became seriously worried that sunstroke was starting to kick in; she made a mental note to take a long break the next day before she started to seriously harm herself.
"The heat's been getting to you, hasn't it?" Lain said quietly, "I can only hope that's the only thing bothering you."
Alice nodded, not wanting to worry the troubled woman with problems she herself couldn't begin describe or understand.
"I've never been good with the sun, I've always been a nocturnal creature since my bad habits as a teenager." The teacher said, chuckling slightly. It was those bad habits she had to deal with now as part of her job. "Now go on, what were you going to say?"
Lain sighed resignedly. "It's to do with my job more than anything else, I suppose..."
"What do you do?" asked Alice, intrigued as to what type of job could cause this problem.
"Well, I work the decks in a nightclub in central Tokyo. Cyberia? Maybe you've heard of it?" the girl answered.
"I know Cyberia alright, I was there every other night when I was younger, and you're a DJ there?" Alice replied, "I think a lot of people would be more than envious of your job, is it not as rosy as it seems?"
"The job itself isn't too bad, but it seems to leave me permanently apart from everyone else. I watch everyone else enjoying themselves and living their lives, their dramas, while I'm always on the edge; always there, but never truly a part of the world, so to speak." Lain shifted nervously, "but that wouldn't normally be a problem if it wasn't for the circumstances that brought be to here."
Alice put a reassuring hand on the woman's shoulder, motioning her to continue, there was no obvious reaction to her touch, but she nonetheless resumed her tale.
"I had to leave my previous life behind to come to Tokyo... but there was nothing left anymore. I discovered I had been adopted and no one knew who my reap parents were. My adopted parents had given me my name and DNA testing brought up no matches. That wasn't the worst blow however." Lain's eyes became misty with tears, and she turned them away from Alice, unwilling to let her see her pain. "I had to leave behind the one I loved, but it was the only choice I had... I had caused too much pain already, and would only have continued to had I not left."
The teacher shook her head sadly: a broken heart was nothing to be taken lightly. Although she had been singularly lucky herself, she had seen its effects before in many a young girl and the mending process could be long and painful and not always successful. Not wanting to push Lain too quickly on the road to recovery, she decided to ask for more information.
"This one you loved, could you tell me about him? If it doesn't bother you?" she asked tentatively.
Lain gave a low, tired laugh and smiled painfully at Alice, shaking her head. "Sorry, but I kinda guessed you would say that," she replied, forcing herself to meet Alice's eyes again before continuing slowly, "I'll be honest with you... I well... she... was another woman..." Lain trailed off and held her breath as she awaited the teacher's reaction.
"Oh, I am sorry!" Alice answered; looking rather embarrassed "It just didn't cross my mind that you may be, erm..."
"A lesbian? Don't worry about it. It just means a great deal to me that you're not disgusted, thank you." That rare genuine smile flashed again, causing Alice to yet again smile back. The teacher had decided she liked that smile, and was disappointed when it vanished again. Truth be told, Alice was actually quite intrigued by Lain's admission as she had yet to properly talk to anyone who was decidedly homosexual. She had always before encountered them as friends or acquaintances of other people and it was relatively new to have one sitting right next to her, paying her full attention.
"Anyhow, tell me about her, I imagine she must have been something pretty special." She asked, sitting up in her chair.
"Well, she really was one of a kind, utterly captivating... if you don't mind me saying this," Lain said softly, smiling at the memory, "she didn't look too different from yourself, about the same height and build; even the same hair colour, though she wore hers much shorter than you do."
Alice grinned, she felt strangely pleased to be compared to Lain's dream girl. "Funny that, I used to have short hair myself at one point, just a little longer than yours is now," Alice's face became serious again, "but I suppose it's more to do with personality than appearance, yes?"
"It goes without saying, doesn't it?" Lain replied. "Yes. She was kind; utterly selfless; she was prepared to look after me, put up with me even, when no one else did. She reached through to me no matter how many barriers I put in place and when all was chaos and nothingness it was her that remained, pulling me back from the edge."
Lain looked down at her hands, unconsciously playing with and stretching the fingers of one with the other. Alice shifted a little closer to her and gingerly touched her arm. "It sounded as though she cared greatly for you," she said, supportively.
"She did, yes..." Lain's eyes didn't move from her hands. "She doesn't anymore though. Well, hopefully she doesn't; I wanted her to forget me. I hurt her so many times, it's all for the best."
Alice frowned, wondering what it could be that this seemingly innocent young woman could have done to cause so much harm and trying hard to shake the feeling that she already knew.
Lain seemed to hear Alice's unspoken question and sucked her lower lip thoughtfully for a moment before answering. "I interfered with her life one time too often, I wanted to help her, but she only ended up getting seriously hurt... physically and mentally." Alice felt herself shudder as Lain said the last three words; once again she found herself drawn to the scar on the girl's cheek. "I do a lot of work utilizing the Wired, it can be a very, very dangerous place. It only takes one error."
There was an extended silence between the two as Alice tried to figure out what to say to the girl next after such a confession. The air between them shimmered uneasily and it became harder to make out Lain's outline even despite her closeness, as though she was willing the heat to keep her hidden.
"Surely if your intentions were good, then she would be able to forgive you?" Alice ventured. She herself would have found it extremely difficult to keep up a grudge against someone so vulnerable.
Lain shook her head. "It's not so much that," she answered. "It's just too dangerous that I see her, it seems I'm destined to do her harm... but I can't keep it up forever. I've watched her from afar for as long as I can remember, and once my resolve eventually cracked and I approached her: she didn't recognize me, which I expected, of course."
Alice looked carefully at Lain's features; she found it rather confusing that anyone could forget them completely as they were rather distinct: singularly childlike with that scar across her cheek. There was of course, the chance that she had picked up the wound after the separation, and maybe the girl didn't previously have the same unhealthy cast to her features.
"It stung that she didn't recognise me, but all the same, it was heaven to see her and talk to her again," Lain continued, "there were one or two things that had changed obviously, but she was still the same warm and selfless person she had always been, and still every bit as beautiful as I remembered."
Unexpectedly, Lain then shifted nearer to Alice and rested her head on her shoulder, wrapping her right arm across the taller woman's neck and sobbing quietly into her jacket. The crying had none of the urgency that it had held earlier now, and there was a certain ease with which she embraced the teacher.
Alice reluctantly returned the embrace, enfolding Lain's wispy, scrawny form with her own strength. Although it physically felt good to be holding her like this, she felt shamefully uneasy about the girl's sexuality and couldn't help but wonder what exactly she was feeling, especially considering her own physical similarity to the recipient of Lain's admiration. Perhaps she was imagining herself in her love's embrace instead of her own? The thought actually made Alice feel vaguely jealous... jealous that Lain should need someone else instead. It was odd that she was feeling so possessive over a complete stranger, but she couldn't shake the feeling Lain wasn't a complete stranger.
Eventually, Lain lifted her head from Alice's shoulder, but she didn't relax her grip on the taller woman. Brown eyes looked appraisingly into blue, searching for confirmation of something hiding within.
"What about yourself, though?" Lain cooed quietly.
"Myself? What do you...?" Alice replied; feeling slightly flustered by the proximity of Lain's face to her own.
"Why are you here? I know you don't come here regularly, so I imagine I'm not the only one with something on their mind?" The girl said, smiling as though she already knew the answer. Alice thought that there was something oddly coquettish about that smile, but then again, she could be just imagining it? In fact she was starting to wonder if this whole encounter was just the result of a confused and tired mind. Alice almost laughed out loud at that: what would a psychiatrist say when she told him that while in a deserted church she had imagined and had an in-depth conversation with a scrawny five foot lesbian called Lain who looked like the end result of a month long cocaine binge?
"Well, it's kinda complicated..." Alice replied, echoing the pale woman's earlier words. "I doubt you'd take me seriously if I even tried to explain it."
Lain released her grip and pulled back into what she hoped was a less demanding, more inviting position: smile quietly begging Alice to continue.
"erm..." Alice started, looking nervously around, worried in case someone else was listening in on her make a fool of herself. All other reactions she had got to her situation had been pretty negative: Alice had been patronized, greeted with confused looks and sometimes openly laughed at. Something about Lain, though, told her that she would be perfectly safe telling this woman anything.
"In your own time," Lain encouraged, waiting patiently for the teacher to begin.
Alice took a deep breath. "Have you ever had the feeling that something's missing from your life, and you don't know what it is?"
Lain's eyes lit up suddenly at Alice's words. The teacher was suitably surprised; she could have sworn she had seen some type of desperate hope building there within.
"I... don't quite know what you mean, could you elaborate... Alice?" she asked, genuinely curious.
"It's hard to describe. Whatever it is, it's something that's just beyond my reach, just beyond my sight even..." Alice played absentmindedly with a shirt cuff as she struggled to find appropriate words. "It's as though something important happened earlier on in my life and I'd just completely forgotten about it, and all of reality is nothing but a thin veneer that constantly shifts to hide it from my view..."
"So you come to places like this in search of answers?" Lain ventured.
"Yes," Alice replied, marveling at how Lain seemed to be genuinely fascinated by what she was saying. "I haven't found any answers yet. Meeting you here has probably been the best thing to come out of it."
Lain's cheeks coloured, causing Alice's mind to go into overdrive.
"Why do you say that?" asked Lain incredulously, "all I've done is imposed myself on you; if anything I've been wasting your time."
"You've, well... you've given me the opportunity to help you, my being able to be there for someone when hey're in need makes me feel better about myself, like I'm worth something." Alice punctuated her sentence with a small depreciating laugh, "recently it seems that I'm of no use to anyone at all... my husband is quite a bit older than I am and highly sure of himself, so I frequently feel as though I'm the one always being protected and nurtured. Don't get me wrong, we're perfectly happy together and I do love him, but I just feel... well, like I'm not needed. My job as a teacher relieves that to a certain extent, but..."
"You need to nurture people on a more personal level?"
Alice sighed and nodded sadly. "I imagine it must sound horribly selfish, like I'm wishing pain on people just so I can relieve them of it," she said, smiling guiltily at her companion. "I suppose I needed you just as much as you needed me, huh?"
"I suppose..." said Lain, dreamily. "If so, then... thank you, Alice."
The two sat in silence for a moment, and just for an instant, everything came into focus for the teacher for what seemed to be the first time in her life. The doubts that assailed her mind vanished completely as gazed into Lain's infinitely deep brown eyes: it was as though she had finally found the answer to everything within this strange young woman. Alice reached out with her hand slowly through the shimmering air to rest gently against Lain's cheek, fascinated at the feel of her skin. She felt so cold, yet so... real, as though everything else was an illusion and there was only this woman. The idea, Alice knew, was absurd, but somehow it made such perfect sense.
Lain froze in disbelief as she watched Alice's features... she had been right. So many times she had told herself to keep away, told herself that she had brought nothing but harm to this wonderful, perfect, angelic woman, and now it seemed that just maybe Alice needed her as much as she longed for Alice...
Noting Lain's wide-eyed expression, Alice quickly snatched her hand away from the girl's cheek and inwardly chastised herself. She had probably scared the girl half to death acting like she had: just what was wrong with her?
Alice stammered, "Sorry... I... I lost it for a minute there, I didn't mean to..."
"No! No! It's alright!" the pale woman urgently reassured, "you've done nothing you have to apologise for! I've been taking advantage of you when you needed solace yourself, I..."
"No! I've already said, it's you who's helped me, Lain! Don't..." Alice stopped in mid-sentence and gave a frustrated sigh, putting a hand to her forehead and standing up from the seat. "I apologise again, I'm confused, I don't know what I'm saying, or doing, or feeling anymore...I..." she turned to face Lain, "I have to go, I'm sorry, I don't want to, but..."
The shorter girl stood up and nodded sympathetically. She knew all too well what it was like to not know oneself, and after all, it was her fault that Alice was in the state she was in: it was her that had tampered with the teacher's memory, but what else could she have done? Lain sighed sadly at her inability to do anything right concerning Alice, and hoped that just this time she could put things right once and for all.
Lain reached tentatively out and touched Alice's arm. "I understand, it must be terrible what you're going through" she said softly, "if you need to be alone for a while, that I won't stop you."
Alice sniffed. She was, to her annoyance, starting to cry. "I will see you again, though? Right? You do have a communicator right? I could..."
Lain placed a finger on Alice's lips, silencing her. "Don't worry, all you have to is look for me and you will find me... the Wired stretches a long way, Alice. I will be there for you, when, or if, you should need me."
Alice nodded, tears trickling down her face. Lain shuddered inwardly, remembering the last time she had seen Alice cry this way, it was the most painful sight she had ever known and she couldn't bear to see it again.
Before she was quite sure of what she was doing, Lain's physical form reacted against her will to Alice's tears. Closing her eyes, the shorter girl slipped her arms lightly around the teacher's neck and enveloped her lips within her own, softly kissing away her pain. Alice initially started at Lain's touch, but quickly relaxed and much to her surprise, found herself closing her eyes and returning the kiss. Oddly enough, she didn't feel the slightest bit shocked that she was kissing another woman. There was nothing wrong or unpleasant about the sensation and she didn't feel the pangs of guilt or unease that she got from contact with her older husband. If Lain did desire for something else from it, she wasn't imposing it on Alice and all she felt from the contact was pure comfort.
Reluctantly, Lain finally pulled away from Alice's still searching lips and smiled contentedly at her. "Now, go." She said quietly.
Alice nodded, and walked quickly out of the church all the time looking back over her shoulder at Lain's figure, which seemed to grow more and more indistinct with each glance, fading gradually into the air until she was nowhere to be seen. At first Alice started to panic, but then remembered the young woman's words. She would be there when she needed her... and when Alice was ready; she would reveal what lay behind the curtain and hidden deep in the recesses of her mind, terrifying though it might be.
As she strode out into the blistering heat of the summer's sun, Alice saw the abandoned houses and overgrown gardens, still every bit as unreal and insubstantial as she had left them. But now it was different: now Alice could feel Lain's innocent brown eyes watching her protectively from behind each and every one.
Lain watched silently as Alice trudged back towards her car. She didn't know how things would develop from within the teacher, but for now, it felt great to know she could be of some use to her love. She knew she could not get too optimistic, as it was impossible to tell how Alice could react once her memories her restored. She may hate her for it; or it may prove too much and result in her losing it completely.
For the moment, she had to leave Alice to her thoughts. Closing her eyes, Lain faded back into the Wired: nothing more than the noise on the wires...