Thought I'd do one of those major emo-trip everybody's dead stories. I don't know why. I think it's because M.D. Owen bought Subway today and I'm sitting here being jealous. I blame her for my angst.
Raph didn't talk anymore. Leo was glad because he was sure he couldn't stand any words that came out of his mouth.
Leo arrived at the scene of the explosion and a half collapsed wall toppled onto to him. Pinned. That was good. At least he would die a meaningless death like the rest of them. He laid there, hoping his leg would bleed out quickly when Raph lugged him out and then wandered off, bellowing to himself nonsensically.
They automatically drifted home after the blast. Leo stayed to search for survivors. None. Just unidentifiable body parts that used to be his relatives. Raph mercifully fled and at the time he thought he'd just lost his last brother. Raph would flee across country from him.
Pulled his brother's leg out of a pile of bricks. There was something mundane about it. Oh, well. Just a leg. Not at all helpful. He didn't rest until he'd found a part of all of them. Until he'd found a part of every one of them. April's foot. Part of Casey. Splinter.
Maybe that's how serial killers felt. They needed a piece of them all. He wouldn't keep them. Just wanted to see them. And people were screaming on the street. Fire trucks and police screaming at the scene of the explosion.
Don would know what caused it. But Don was in pieces. Maybe. He wasn't sure if he'd found him or not. It could have been Mikey. There wasn't much skin left. It was a femur, but he didn't know whose.
Leo didn't bother being a ninja on the way home. He walked down the alleys freely, limping on his bad leg. They were about to be discovered. There was no way to recover the remains and keep them secret. It would be all over television. Two new species found. Thankfully, they were dead. We're still safe citizens.
Leo bound up the gashes on his leg. They cut all the way to the bone. Didn't hurt too badly. Maybe they did and he didn't have the time to notice.
Raph was already at home destroying things. Leo sat at the table and watched for a while. It took hours to destroy everything in their home. The computers. The beds. Leo helped push over the fridge. Raph fell asleep where he landed, his muscles twitching from it.
Leo slept in Splinter's bed. They didn't touch that room.
In the morning Leo found a small pile of Raph's things. Ready to go. Hit the road.
So he grabbed a baseball bat and pounded on the motorcycle until it was a pile of debris. Raph watched him do it and didn't resist or tell him off.
They watched the news that night waiting for the discovery. It didn't come that night. A natural gas explosion killed two. April O'Neil and Casey Jones and a few others who were yet to be identified.
Leo ordered Raph to gather his things. They were going somewhere without a television.
So they drove for hours. Raph played the radio loudly. Heavy metal filled the car Leo had stolen. He didn't care. April's van was just a tangled mess of metal on Bleeker. He didn't realize it until they were halfway there. They were going to the farm house.
As soon as the car stopped Raph got out and walked into the woods and Leo didn't see him again for three days. He came back and fell asleep where he fell on the porch. Leo carried him upstairs to bed.
The next days changed things. They couldn't be apart anymore. They didn't really do anything. Just sat, waiting for something to happen. For somebody to jump out and tell them they were found, like hide and seek. They would come there looking for something. Maybe for them. The house was in Casey's name, Leo told Raph. He didn't care or else didn't understand.
Leo went to the bathroom and Raph followed him. Raph went the bathroom and Leo followed.
"We need to train," Leo said as he aimed for the toilet bowl and Raph leaned against the wall, watching the floor. "We need to keep up our strength. In case they come after us."
Who was he talking about? The government? The police?
Raph never answered him when he told him what to do. Sometimes he obeyed. Most of the time he didn't. They ate dinner and Raph smoked about six cigarettes until his hands stopped shaking.
Leo took the stolen car into town, all the while brooding on the stolen quality of it and snuck into a liquor store and took as much as he could carry. Also some food. "We'll have to save up for winter because I'm not sure I can get into town without calling attention."
That was a lie. They would need to move on before winter, but he didn't want to tell him.
He drank until he couldn't see and told Raph that he might as well be dead; he was so silent and useless to him. And Raph laid his head in Leo's drunken lap and went to sleep. Slept where he fell down again. They formed a routine. They got up and sparred until their legs quaked and they couldn't move. Raph cobbled up something to eat. It was never very good. Then Leo drank several shots of bourbon while Raph watched. Raph smoked a pack a day now and then they wandered upstairs and hid in the same bed together.
Leo remembered when they were babies. They always curled up around each other. It was always so cold. There was no heat here and the wood was running low, but neither of them had enough drive to do anything about it.
He wanted a routine. It kept him from thinking. Just when things were settled then it changed. Raph woke up every night screaming now. It took all of Leo's patience to keep from pummeling him, especially on nights when his head rang with alcohol.
But he still didn't talk.
And they were alive because of fighting. Raph stormed off at Mikey's birthday party because of something stupid. Leo followed him. They were busy punching each other a few rooftops away. Then the ground rocked. The sky lit up with the fireball.
Now they couldn't do anything really. One day they couldn't manage to get out of bed. Leo's head pounded from a hangover and Raph wouldn't budge. They were more and more immobile as the weeks went on. Leo woke up to find Raph lying against his chest, listening to his heart beating. This would have been very off-putting three months ago. And they didn't say anything all day and only got out of bed to use the bathroom and then both got back into bed. And they watched sun move across the room and then it was night again.
It was 10:33pm. He watched the minute hands tick on the bedside clock. Raph's shell faced him.
"Let's burn this motherfucking house down." Raph said that.
"Why?"
No answer.
A few minutes later.
"Think they found them yet?"
Why did Raph start talking now? "Probably. Do you mean found their bodies or what they were?"
Raph got out of bed and sat stiffly in an armchair. Lit up a cigarette. He smelled like a smokehouse. Hadn't bathed since they got there. "Where we gonna go? We can't stay here. They're gonna come here soon. I mean somebody's gonna come and try to sell the place off at least. I say we just make it even and burn the place to the ground."
Leo didn't bother sitting up to look at him. "I don't want to watch anything else burn. I don't know where we'll go. You have any ideas? It's been really helpful to me how you've not said a fucking word for months."
He smoked a few more and didn't say anything else.
Leo would have planted a garden if he could. It would mean permanence. Something that needed tending. He wouldn't let it die and they would have food for winter.
"I want to get out of here. I'll leave without you," Raph said. They sat on the porch swing watching the cars go down the dirt road through the trees. Nobody could see them. The fall leaves stirred as they passed, leaving a dusty orange vapor trail. A tractor cut down the hay across the road and Leo's slight allergies made his nose run.
Their lives flat lined.
"We should've stayed," Raph said, rubbing out a cigarette on the porch swing rail. His voice was a little different. Rough and sandpapered.
Leo knew he was different. He felt different. Thinner. Being an alcoholic made him lose weight for some reason. "To do what? Get dissected?"
"Fight." There was nothing to fight out here. Boredom. Uselessness. Each other if either had the inclination. "Remember back three months ago when we were ninjas?"
Leo pushed the porch swing a few times with his feet. "We're still training."
"That isn't fighting. You should be a little happier about fighting, Fearless. It's why we're alive." He laughed and it dissolved into a mucusy cough. "How long do you think it's gonna take us to die too? Until I die of pneumonia and you die of sclerosis of the liver?"
Later in the day, Leo went into town. "I need to get more milk and eggs. Anything else you need?" The car needed gas. He would have to wait until nighttime when he could steal some from the gas station.
"You're leaving?" He knew this would happen. "Can I come?"
"No." His voice rang with annoyance. Couldn't get away from him for one day? Always clinging and watching.
Raph headed back to the house and called over his shoulder, "You have your Jack Daniels on the list too right?"
The drinking was a major problem. He couldn't get up for training and Raph sometimes had to leave him in the bathtub at night and watch over him to make sure he didn't drown in his own vomit. It was just a matter of time before he had alcohol poisoning.
"Want any more Camels?" he bit back.
The slam of the screen door answered him.
Raph stank. Still wouldn't bathe. Maybe it was because the water was cold and Raph always hated the cold. The compassionate and rational part of Leo's mind told him that this was the case, but the rest of it told him that he was doing it out of spite. Just being an ass like usual.
"I want you to take a bath," Leo said as they stood over the kitchen stove, watching their dinner burn.
Raph took the frying pan off the burner and put it on a hot pad. "Not now. Dinner's done."
"You're going to take a bath now. You stink so bad I can't eat."
"Why? You didn't complain about it this morning." This morning was really 2pm.
This one would mind. So tired of nothing working the way it should. Nothing going according to plan. No plan at all anymore. No idea where he would end up. Just wandering around in the dark, no sense of security. Nothing to go home to.
"Get in the bathroom… now…"
Raph served his dinner and ignored him. Went to the kitchen table.
This was unacceptable. In one motion, Leo picked up the frying pan and hit Raph in the side of the head. He fell out of his chair on the floor. He chair clattered backwards on the floor in slow-motion. "What the fuck!"
This was important. The matter was trivial, but it was important. He would enforce his will on him. Make him understand that he was really nothing here. Leo's will was the only thing that kept either of them alive and he must mind.
But Raph jumped to his feet and felt for his weapons. They were upstairs on the bedside table.
"I WANT YOU TO TAKE A BATH RIGHT NOW AND YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT!"
Raph didn't budge. Looked towards the backdoor. Contemplating flight. Leo would never see him again.
He walked to the bathroom with blind purpose and ran the bathwater and then went back. Raph was sitting at the kitchen table again, eating his dinner. "You can fuck off. I'm not taking a bath in that fucking cold water."
Leo pointed dramatically towards the sound of running water. "Get in there!" Nothing. "I could make you and you know it."
Raph stopped chewing for a beat. Swallowed. "You're talking out of your ass. You can't do anything. You always think you're so mighty and powerful. I guess all-powerful Leo couldn't save everybody from an evil gas leak. He isn't as strong as he thought. Just as weak as I am." Raph picked up the chair and sat it upright. He sat down, his arms and legs open in a display of smirky arrogance.
Fighting like that didn't take any skill, Leo thought as he blinked back to consciousness. The kitchen table lay on the floor, the legs smashed from under it. He spat blood out of his mouth as he sat up. Nothing broken. At least the adrenalin saved him from knowing at the moment. He leaned his head against the wall.
Raph dumped his liquor down the drain and then threw all the empty bottles at the wall and let the glass cover the floor. Of course it didn't occur to him that they would have to walk on it to leave.
He slid down on the floor across the room and they watched each other. Blood ran down Raph's face.
"Well, your dinner's on the floor, limpdick," Leo said, licking the blood off his teeth. "Go take a bath."
Be relentless. This can't this slide. It has to happen.
"Fuck you." Raph wiped the blood off his chin.
He couldn't get to him. He lost. Couldn't even make his brother stay clean. And he lurched forward in tears.
Glass tinkled as Raph walked straight across to get to him. Left little blood patches on the yellowed linoleum. He sat next to him painfully and put his arm around his shell, rubbing lightly. And Leo cried until his face was drenched and his guts ached. Raph's eyes were glazed over. Staring straight ahead.
And then Raph got up and took a bath. He sat in the tub for hours and Leo left him there and didn't bother telling him to go to bed.
They hadn't spent so long apart since the first day they got to the farm. Late in the morning he felt Raph climb into the bed next to him. Still unwilling to spend the night alone.
Another run to the store. More stolen gasoline and kerosene to keep the car and heaters running. Leo tried not to like their car too much. He shouldn't be attached by principal because it was ill gotten gains. Raph called the Deathmobile, referring to its faulty shocks and bad exhaust.
No liquor this time or cigarettes. They were only going to eat healthy food. Get back into shape. They were both ninjas still and their father would hate seeing them in this state. Leo knew he looked older. He just looked… harder… and didn't like it. He wanted to look nice. For a turtle at least. He didn't expect to win any hearts by his good looks, but he thought he could at least look young and clean and reasonably attractive. But now he was dirty and his eyes were red and dark, like he never slept. Face a little more hollowed, but rougher. Grief didn't agree with him.
Raph looked the same to Leo. Maybe wider eyed. Raph should've been the one hardened. Not Leo.
They cleaned out the garage, rummaging in the rusty supplies. They didn't really have a need for more tools. Just a need to feel occupied. Sometimes Leo looked around the house and knew that there was nothing to do. No need to train. No reason to wake up the next day. He ordered Raph into action, desperately creating a task. Something important. Clean the chimney. Clean the garage. Till the ground for a garden next spring. Raph didn't care. Any excuse to use his hands, no matter how useless.
"Look," Raph said as he opened an old cooler box.
Filled to the lid with handguns and bullets.
Leo pulled out a gun and said, "What are these doing here?"
"Hey." Raph nudged him with his elbow. "Let's see if any of these work. Maybe we could hunt. That might be cool. I know I could just get one the normal way, but shooting might be something to do. We could set up targets. I always want to learn how to shoot."
The normal way for Raph consisted of jumping out of a tree with the prongs of his sais pointed towards the deer's head.
"Sure." Anything to keep him occupied. "I don't like guns. No talent or finesse. Killing should be personal. It keeps you in perspective."
"Bleeding heart…" Raph muttered. "And I like fighting with my hands too. Shooting is… I mean anybody can do it. Nobody can use these the way I can." He patted his sais lovingly.
Raph was a decent shot. Don was better since he was always the one who ended up behind the gun during battle. But he never really trained on it. Leo wondered if they should all learn to shoot in case the need arose, but he always put it off because he personally didn't like using them. It felt so cold. Disrespectful of the opponent. Splinter never cared much for guns and didn't understand them and so they were never a part of their training.
"Aw, damn," Raph said as his bullet whizzed past the rusty coffee can. He rubbed out his cigarette on the side of his carapace and Leo had to admit that he looked tough. Even to him. A Glock in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
Leo tried to give up drinking. He tried. Why did he want it so badly? He knew why. He just didn't want to believe it. Sometimes he was happy when he was drunk. He didn't look at Raph and picture Mikey's severed limbs. But it wrong.
"Hey, you try," Raph said, giving him a friendly slap on the shoulder. "You should give it a try. It's a precision instrument like a katana. You'll like it."
Leo put down his glass of lemonade and held the gun awkwardly. Raph gasped and pointed it in another direction. "You'll blow your toes off if you hold it that way."
They spent the rest of the afternoon shooting at random objects around the farm. Leo learned to aim quickly and listened to Raph grind his teeth jealously at his natural talent. Then they shot at the windows in the house and broke them all. Leo knew this was a bad idea, but Raph wanted to shoot at glass. Said he liked the sound.
"Tomorrow let's shoot a deer," Raph said. He bounced a little on the balls of his feet. "We'll get up early and we'll take our lunch out in the woods. What do you say?"
No liquor stashed in the woods. "I don't know. I wanted to train."
Raph's eyes fluttered for a second and Leo knew something was going on in there. Something he didn't want to know. "Yeah, okay. Let's just sit here and drink until we pass out tomorrow. You can tell me I'm worthless like every night. I'm getting real used to it."
"I… I don't say that." He didn't remember saying things like that. He felt so light and unburdened. Maybe that was why. "Okay. We'll get up early if you can get up. Which I highly doubt."
Raph smiled. He hadn't smiled in months and looked unnaturally pleased as he walked backwards towards the screen door. "Watch me, baby. I'll get up any time I want."
"I'll carry them with my sais, so you don't have to. You carry the food."
Raph stuck the guns in his belt like a cowboy and then pack the food in the rusty He-Man lunch box they found in the barn. Humming. Sounded happy. "Why are you so pleased?"
But then his shoulders jerked and guilt crossed his face. He shook his head and said, "Spending time with big brother and he's sober. That's a holiday."
Raph didn't look at him as he said it and Leo knew something was wrong.
It was a cold fall morning and the tall grass and carpet of half rotten leaves under their feet crunched with frost. It was quite beautiful. All sparkly white. A few birds chirped. It was so still. No breeze. And the sun came up grey on the horizon.
They walked for at least fifteen minutes and then Leo heard it. He wasn't at all surprised, even though he didn't figure out the situation until that moment. Raph's gun clicked a bullet into place.
Leo stopped walking.
"I'll make it quick, okay. Then I'll go next."
Leo didn't say anything. He should turn around and snatch the gun out of his hand. Kick his ass for being such a weak hearted idiot. It would have been easy. He could hear the quiet sobbing filling his brother.
"You can't hurt me," Leo said.
The gun erupted and a shot blew off a branch in front of him. Cocked again immediately.
"Why a gun, Raph?"
He snuffed loudly and didn't answer.
The air was so still and cold.
"I'm going to turn around now."
"Yeah, okay. I… just don't want to see you… when…"
Leo turned slowly, his hands in the pockets of his huge barn coat. He shrugged his shoulders at his pistol wielding brother. Raph took a step backward. "I know things are bad, Raph. But I'd expect more from even you. Even a… miserable thing like you."
Why did he say that?
Raph's gun faltered, but his face lit up with rage and tears and he aimed the gun at Leo's forehead again. "Stop saying that! You don't think I know that? And why should we go by our weapons? Like we're too good to go the way they all did?" Made sense in an illogical kind of way. In the way Raph reasoned things. "What kind of warriors are we? We don't deserve to go by the sword!"
"Well." His eyes watered. "Let me come close then and hug you goodbye. I won't go without that."
Raph knew what he was doing. He knew it was a ploy to get his weapon. "You're not getting this from me."
Leo walked towards him with his hands still in his coat pockets. Walked even with the gun and then past it until Raph's hand extended awkwardly over his shoulder. Leo put his arms around Raph as if it were a natural thing. Like he wasn't holding a gun, trying to kill them both. He felt the barrel press against his temple and closed his eyes.
"I can't stand it here anymore," Raph said, thin and whining. "I can't stand you."
And he rubbed his wet face against Leo's cheek and moved the gun to a better position. "Nobody'll touch you. I promise," Raph muttered, his words so slurred and quiet that Leo could barely make sense of them. "I'll bury you here and then if they find me, they won't hurt you then."
Neither moved for several minutes and Leo felt Raph sobbing into his ear and the gun barrel sliding gradually down the side of his head.
Raph screamed and his voice echoed in the trees and a bird flew away overhead. "I went right by Don! I saw him and he was all tore up and I went to you and didn't go back! I just left him! I'm sorry!"
Leo pulled the gun into his hand with one movement and Raph didn't resist at all. "It wasn't your fault. It's my fault. Okay. We'll leave here and go someplace else and it'll be better. I'll be better. Okay? Okay?"
He kneaded Raph's shoulders, as if to work his will into him.
"They must know by now." Raph hiccupped as he struggled to speak.
The knowledge that neither wanted. Happily ignoring the fact. Never looking at the television in the months since they'd arrived or picked up a newspaper because they knew what they would find. They were a part of the world now. They must be. But so far removed from it. Why not end it now? His mind flicked with relief. He could shoot Raph before he could blink and end his hurt. Then put it in his own mouth. They would all be together.
But that was a coward's way out. No… Raph wasn't a coward. It was the hopeless way out. How did he let it get so bad? Let them bury themselves so deep that Raph couldn't see any light except on the other end of a gun.
Leo headed back to the house, leaving Raph in the woods with his Glock. He knew he would follow. He didn't know why. Raph always dragged his feet whenever Leo introduced some hope into his life. Someday a girl will love you. Just wait. Got a fist in the face for his compassion.
Leo gathered the food into boxes and put them in the car. They had no belongings. Just a few things. It only took two hours to pack.
Raph dumped the kerosene up and down the hallways and lit it with his lighter, then threw it into the flames followed by his cigarettes.
Yes, they would start over. And over and over and over until Raph couldn't take it and moved on. It was only a matter of time. Now they would train. Remember their father's words. They were ninjas, no matter how many media sources called them human hybrids. No matter how many new bills were introduced into congress banning human-animal genetic testing to prevent more of these monsters. No matter how many ethical groups claimed they were an affront to humanity and denied their existence as a hoax and no matter how many excruciating hours they spent with no other company but each other. It was the only thing they had left.
THE END – Now go take a Prozac