i live to let you shine
"the moment I saw you, I knew it'd be the closest I'd get to being…close." -massie had loved claire best, loved claire most, claire with the shining blue eyes and the smile that stretched across her face, claire with the sunshine bursting out of her soul- cam/massie, claire/derrick, massie&claire.
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"The moment I saw you, I knew it'd be the closest I'd get to being... close. I didn't know what to do with that feeling... happiness."
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Sometimes, Massie would just look at her.
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(massie hates everyone, hates all of them with their pretty lies and pretty smiles and pretty fucking words, in general, words that make her believe in them, trust them, want them- no one wants her back. Never, evereverever. and it's all right, it's fine because she's massie fucking block and she doesn't let things like that bother her. No.)
(She lights another cigarette but this one tastes weird, tastes different, tastes like death and desperation and how Derrick had cried so very hard that day, so hard she had thought he would break open right there- something had cracked inside him that day, she supposes, something had, something had, something had-)
She's like a fucking broken record. Massie throws the cigarette on the ground and stomps it out, walks away and glances back, just once, just to see if anything had changed. Nothing had.
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Claire was so beautiful it hurt her eyes to look at her (Claire with the sunshine bursting out of her soul, Claire with the bright eyes and bright smile and how she'd never lied to her, never, how massie had kissed Claire's boyfriend and Claire had kissed hers but Massie had loved Claire best, loved Claire most, always and forever. right? they made a promise to each other, she had promised and Claire never broke those
break the promise i'll break your pinky and Claire had laughed, her beautiful tinkling laugh but it didn't mean anything now, because Claire did break the promise, she left her, left all them- left Derrick crying at a gravestone, left Cam trying to heal Massie but Massie couldn't be healed.
Claire had made her brokenness okay, had fixed it with a grin and her hand reaching for hers, had said it's okay, you're okay, i'm not going to let them hurt you- Massie had thought Claire was the closest she'd ever get to being close and now Claire was gone, forever, and she broke the one promise she'd believed in, broke it with a simple
see you tommorow! and getting into a car and never coming back.)
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(it was so sad that for such a vibrant girl, her death was so small- a car crash on the highway and only two news vans had even bothered to come and massie could only hear words like damage and irreversible and how she had ran to the scene of the accident and cam had tried to hold her back but she had ran right into it, so she could smell the rust and the blood and she could see her could see how her eyes were staring, somewhere and how- well. the only thing she remembers after that is, it was so sad, wasn't it? because it was, it was terribly sad and there was nothing any of them could do about it. not derrick with his bright eyes and bravery, not cam with his two different colored eyes and the way he held onto her when he thought she was slipping away, not massie, not even massie who had whispered over and over and over again- come back, come back, come back but claire, beautiful, lovely claire with heart of gold, never did.)
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Massie won't fix anything, won't fix herself or Cam or Derrick or even Todd, won't fix this world that seems weird now, weird like the cigarette she threw away (because everything tastes like death now and it fucking freaks her out). Massie won't fix this, even though everyone wants her to, even though they want her to smile through the tears she won't cry and say things like we'll grow stronger and i'll always remember. The only one who could fix this, could fix Massie is Claire and Claire went away, and Massie is sure that the one job she was given was to make sure Claire stayed, flighty irresponsible Claire, and she failed at that, didn't she? Claire's job was to fix things (fix her) and Massie's job was for her to stay and now they've both failed and Massie can't fix anything, can't change anything because that was Claire, all Claire and Claire's-
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(massie loved her, loved claire with the blue eyes that gleamed like sapphires, loved claire with the pink lips and white teeth and the smile that stretched her face, loved claire with the sunshine steaming out of her soul.)
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Massie puts out her final cigarette and throws it in the garbage. She doesn't look back.
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fin.