I can't do this. It's too much. I've let them all down. How can I ever make up for this? I've cost them so much this time. There is no fucking way they are ever going to forgive me. I don't even deserve their forgiveness.
You're right. You're a worthless piece of shit. They are going to hate you for this. You tricked them so many times, and now they know about it! It's hilarious that you think that you could still have them after all of this came out. I told you this was going to happen. You don't deserve to be forgiven. You know where you should be. All you do is cause problems. And this just adds to it. You make them worry. You're a burden. They are better off without you, and now they know it too...
The calm and quiet has always come at a cost. The noise was always there. Don't get me wrong, it has had its place in my life, but I can't function with the what-if preparation process at max 24/7. Of coursethere are pills I could take; Ritalin,
Adderal, Valium, Klonopin, Xanax. But that solution was too easy, and they all have side effects. Every action does, even inaction.Then there's alcohol and drugs. Weed just made me paranoid or worry more. And alcohol caused more issues than it solved. Eventually I found the silence. I discovered it by accident. With a clumsy hand and a morbid sense of curiously I stumbled
upon my addiction.
Bouncing from foster home to foster home I learned quickly that I could change who I presented to them; who I was. Around 12 Iwas in a boys home temporarily due to a lack of available placement. There I learned how to silence the noise. There
is where I became addicted.
It began with hasty shave of a barely-there teenage arrangement of face hair. I was angry when I started. My foster brother had been obnoxious and rude and my foster parents took his side. I needed to get away from them. I locked myself in the bathroom.
I splashed water on my face and tried to slow my heart rate. I felt the heat creep over my skin; soon it covered my entire body. The need to make a difference for others, but never achieving that goal to my satisfaction, left me feeling inadequate and beneath everyone else. I realize this now... A lot of good it does me.