Let Her Go
A/N: Just a small oneshot from JJ's POV about her sister's death, Reid and some other stuff. Please give it a read, let me know what you think. Quickly written, not proofread, because what is the fun in writing for perfection. Enjoy. (ALL CURSIVE IS PAST)
She looked at her reflection in the mirror, her wavy hair and blue eyes. She was beginning to look so much like her older sister. She knew it hurt her parents to look at her, seeing the reflection of the daughter they would never see older than 17. She walked into the hallway, looked towards the door at the end of the hall. The silence echoing a painful vibe throughout the house. It had been silent in the house since that day. She could turn her music up as loudly as she liked, but it was still so painfully silent.
«Here, Jen, take this» Rosaline handed her the necklace of a horseshoe. The one Jennifer had been secretly admiring for years. The rain was beating on the windows as she looked up at her older sister. She was so indescribably beautiful, with her long blonde hair, her tall and slim body, and with such a kind smile. Her eyes were blood shot. But Jennifer didn't notice that. She was too busy accepting the necklace. Her sister sat down on her knees to help her close it around her neck. She placed a hand on her little sister's cheek. "No matter what happens, remember I love you more than anything" Jennifer looked at Rosaline slightly puzzled. Rosaline kissed her forehead before standing back up, leaving the room quietly.
Jennifer touched the necklace around her neck, as it rested so peacefully at her chest. She walked over to the bathroom-door, and cracked it open slowly. It had been three years since the day of Rosaline's death. Today was her first day of high school, and today three years ago should have been Rosaline's first day of her senior year. Her perfect big sister, who was successful in every aspect. Beautiful and smart. Loved by everyone. Her funeral had been so full, that the people in the back had no chance of hearing the ceremony. 600 people had turned up. Her mother had cried for days on end. Her dad never spoke a word about it after that day. It was like a light had left his eyes.
"Ros, come on! I need to use the bathroom, you have been in there for ages!" Sinead O'Connor was playing on repeat behind the locked door. "Dad! Rosaline won't let me use the bathroom!" Jennifer yelled down the stairs. Her father muttered for them to stop bickering. Jennifer kept knocking on the door, hearing no answer on the other side. Water was starting to come from under the door, soaking Jennifer's socks. "Great" Jennifer muttered under her breath, as she started to walk downstairs to tell on her sister to their parents.
"Mum, Rosaline is messing about in the bathroom. I need to get my stuff, or I will be late for school," she grabbed a muffin from the plate down on the counter in the kitchen. "What's that?" her mother gestured to the footprints her daughter had left on the white carpet leading into the kitchen. Her father stood up and looked at the prints. They all just stood there dumbstruck, unable to react properly to what they were seeing. Then her father jumped on the spot, sprinting out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Jennifer and her mum followed swiftly.
"Rosaline, open the door!" her dad was screaming now, the panic present in every movement he made. He rustled the door like Jennifer had been doing for the past thirty minutes. The water was now soaking the floor around them. "Get in there now George, you need to open that door, what is going on!?" her mother was crying as her father jumped into the door in an attempt to break it open.
Every day that passed, she thought of her sister. Everything reminded her of Rosaline, of that day. Of that week. Of that year. She kept thinking if only. If only she had said something when Rosaline came into her room that night, if only she had told her parents earlier, if only she had taken more notice of her sister and her bloodshot eyes. Fourteen year old Jennifer dried the tear from her eyes as she walked into the bathroom. The tiles were the same. They were no longer covered in crimson red, but the cracks still exposed the truth about what had happened merely three years earlier. She bent down in front of the tub. Touching the inside of the tub, where her sister's ruined body had been lying that day. Blood dripping from her wrists, her eyes forever staring at her with such agony. The scream that had escaped her mother as they finally got into the bathroom. Seeing her father pull her sister's body up to his. Her lifeless body, her head dropping, her eyes staring directly at her, wide open. Jennifer placed her hand on the necklace. She was so happy when her sister had given it to her that night. But at what cost? The sight of the blood, her body so limply being lifted out of the tub, the smell of rotten blood; the iron and rust. These memories would never leave her. She hadn't cried. The shock had hit her too hard. She was unable to accept what had happened that day. What she had seen. Now it felt almost like Rosaline had been part of her imagination. Their lives had continued like nothing. The silence was still there. No one entered her room, there was never any yelling or screaming between the two young girls, and the bathroom was never occupied. But at what cost, Jennifer thought as she stood up and walked over to the sink. At what cost.
JJ looked at the boy lying in her arms. Crying his heart out, his eyes bloodshot. It had been days of this, weeks even. The guilt she felt was unbearable. She couldn't handle lying to him, but she had no other choice. Spencer gripped onto her as if his life depended on it. His tears soaking through her t-shirt.
"Would you like me to make us a cup of tea, Spence?" She held onto his face, looking into those vulnerable eyes of his, the pain invading her heart. He simply nodded, as he sat up and dried his eyes on his sleeve. Will knew the night times belonged to Reid now, until he was starting to come around again. So when the doorbell rang, he went into his study and worked on some paper work, until the younger man passed out on the sofa and his girlfriend was climbing into his lap, replicating the motions that the younger man had done with JJ hours earlier.
It had been a long and difficult year, JJ thought to herself as she stood by the counter and waited for the water to start boiling. She found two cups and two teabags. She heard Reid in the living room, sobbing, as he went into the bathroom. The door closed shut behind him. The silence followed. She felt ice crawl down her back. The sound of the kettle going off, startled her out of thoughts. She touched the horseshoe around her neck. He would understand, he would be happy once they were all able to breathe again. When Foyet is behind bars, or dead, and Emily could be returned to the BAU once and for all.
JJ poured water into their cups, dipped the tea bags a few times up and down before eventually twisting them around a spoon and putting them in the sink.
"You need any sugar or milk, Spence?" she says as she walks back into the living room, only to be met with silence and emptiness. She puts down the cups. The silence bites at her. Hadn't he been gone a very long time, she asked herself. She walked over to the bathroom, fear pulling at her every step. She could hear the tap running, but other than that there was complete silence.
"Spence?" she knocks on the door carefully. There is no answer. She tries to open the door, but finds it is locked. She says his name once more, panic taking over slightly. Will comes into the hallway at the sound of his girlfriend's raised and panicked voice. She shakes the door desperately.
"What's goin' on?" Will asks, standing back slightly, taking in his surroundings. "He isn't responding, he has been in there for too long, he must have hurt himself," She was rambling now. He pushed her slightly aside at the mention of Spencer having injured himself. He jumped against the door a few times before it finally gave in.
JJ ran into the room, grabbed the younger man's fragile frame that was lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood. "Call an ambulance!" JJ cried, as she ripped the towel from its' hook and wrapped it around Reid's wrists. The blood was still pumping through, proving he was still alive. The razorblade lying next to his limp body, JJ pulled him into her embrace. "Please Spence, look at me, don't you dare do this to me. Don't you die on me," she brushed his hair away from his eyes, his forehead damp with sweat. The blood was covering them both now, but she could hear the sirens in the background, the silence was no longer existent. Will grabbed Henry as he was stumbling into the scene, woken by the screaming, and carried him into his bedroom again. He tried to calm the crying of his son as the ambulance crew stormed into their small apartment.
They carried her body away – a white sheet covering her. Jennifer stood by her mum, holding her arm as hard as she could. Almost terrified her mum might disappear at any moment. Her socks were still wet. Her dad had blood all over his blue work shirt. The coroner's car drove off, taking her sister away from her. Why hadn't she been there, why hadn't she been able to stop this from happening? Jennifer stood still as marble. She had been unable to do anything. She put her hand onto the necklace, feeling the round shape of the horse-shoe. They were supposed to bring luck. She didn't feel all that lucky right now, as she stood on the side of her house, watching her sister being taken away. Neighbors were gathering around the streets, pointing and whispering. Her mother was screaming. The silence was gone.
She jumped into the back of the ambulance, the medical team pushing adrenaline in needles into his wrists to slow the bleeding. His breathing was shallow. Machines were hooked up, taking his vitals as the ambulance raced to the hospital. They wheeled him into the emergency room, where a drip was connected to his fragile arm. The doctors sutured his wounds, and he was given a blood transfusion to make up for what had been lost. He had also been given a sedative. He wouldn't be awake any time soon, the doctors informed her. But she remained by his side. The sounds from the machines were soothing her.
She left the hospital after a few hours, to check in on Henry and Will, and her bathroom looked like a scene pulled from work. She went into her closet and took out the bottle of bleach. She started cleaning up. This feeling was all too familiar. This wasn't the first time she had been forced to clean up blood from the bathroom floor. But this time it was different. This time there was no silence. This time it had been okay. She had been on time. She had seen it in time, been there to stop it from happening. She touched her necklace, guilt washing over her. If only the same had happened back then, twenty years ago, if only she had seen the signs. If only she had known what to do. The blood shot eyes should have given Rosaline away, should have been enough. At least she had the necklace. But at what cost. She allowed her sister to go, as she thought of her best friend lying in hospital alive. Because of her. Because of her acting in time. That was the cost of knowledge, of experience. She had been on time for once. That one time.