Let The Light Back In
When I was 5, my mom lost me in a park.
I don't remember much, except that one minute I was riding the carousel, and the next, she was gone. I don't remember how I found her. I don't remember how I got home. All I remember is what happened next.
She told me not to worry.
She told me everything would be fine.
She told me it was time to play the quiet game, so I knew I wasn't supposed to ask any questions. Or else, I might have told her I forgot my doll. I loved that doll so much. It killed me to leave it behind.
Funny, isn't it, the way memory works?
The things you can't quite remember, and the things you can never forget.
"I told Derek I am not moving to D.C. The children and I are staying here." Meredith told him as she sat down on Alex' bed. He grumbled before attempting to answer. "All right, the miracle is over." Alex answered shortly, he was still pissed that she dared to throw Jo out of their bed, not hers. "The miracle is not over. We're not a miracle. Shut up." Meredith exclaimed. Alex looked at her in shock. "You can't break into my house and wake me up to talk and then tell me to shut up!"
So, you want to stay here and not come with me? Why not? Seems to be the trend these days.
"I have never experienced this... this level of disrespect and this lack of professionalism..." Maggie said, shaking her head. They were fighting about the thing that happened in the operating room between them.
"Respect is earned, and if you want to talk about being unprofessional, I spoke directly to you and you ignored me in my O.R." Meredith told her bluntly. "You ignored my request for an echo this morning." Maggie shot back, angry as well. Dr. Webber knew that Meredith and Maggie were in there, arguing about a patient after spending a day dueling against each other, both unaware of the fact that they're sisters, that Maggie's Ellis' daughter and Meredith her half-sister she never knew about. "My patient was circling the drain, and I was doing my job." Meredith defended her and her decision, the decision she made. "And I was doing mine. I spent all morning deferring to you, trying not to step on your toes, for what? Because I wanted you to like m
e? Well, guess what. I'm kind of over that now." Maggie told her sharply. "Yeah, you definitely don't have to worry about me liking you." Meredith gave back.
"Grab your stuff. We're drinking." Alex announced as Meredith entered the room. He was packing some things into a bag. "Oh, I ... I can't. I have to go home and deal with..." She shrugged. Alex looked at her for a moment. Then he said: "Fight with Shepherd? I think you need to whine about it some more to me first. You definitely need to drink." "What are you afraid of, that I'm gonna ..." Meredith didn't get to finish the sentence. "I'm afraid you're gonna keep crawling in my bed in the middle of the night. Look, Yang left me her shares and her board seat and she left me you, too. It's just us now. I don't know... if you need somebody to bitch to or just be ..." Alex had not really an idea how this whole person thing goes so he's kinda stuck in the unknown, feeling responsible for her, now that Cristina is gone. "My person." Meredith helped him out. "I don't know what you mean." Alex answered. "But you do." Meredith only replied. That's when "I just don't know if my marriage can survive this." She confided into Alex.
There can be beauty in getting lost.
Sometimes we have to get lost to find each other. And sometimes we find each other, only to get lost all over again.
You can't always control it, the thing that's going to set you adrift.
And as you stand there on the front porch, staring at the life you're about to leave behind, you have to accept it's gone, it's lost, just like you. All you can do now is stand very still, breathe in the moment, and try to be open to wherever the wind's going to take you next. I Must Have Lost It On The Wind; Meredith Grey
"I mean people do it." Meredith said as they were in Joe's bar, eating peanuts and drink.
"Right? It's not conventional, it's not easy but people do it. I mean if we map brains then we can do this, then we can figure this out." Meredith told him, trying to figure out what to do. "Are you trying to convince me or you?" Alex answered diplomatically. Meredith sighed. "I mean I don't want to split up or family either but I certainly don't wanna go and then resent him for the rest of my life. And that's what would have happened and he doesn't want that either so … I … I really need to go talk to him." Meredith decided.
"There he is." Alex motioned to Meredith's husband who just entered the bar. "HI." Meredith said, looking at him. "What are you doing here?" She asked. "I just got off the phone with the White House. I resigned from the brain mapping initiative." Derek told her. "What?" Meredith asked taken aback. She knew how important that was for him and he gave it up?
Now he was going to resent her.
"I'm not moving to D.C." Derek told her as he went over to her and Alex' table.
"Why would you do that?" Meredith asked. "Well, I don't want to live anywhere else when my kids are growing up here. I don't want to be apart from them, or you. No job is worth that to me. I want to be with you and the kids here." Derek said. Meredith looked at him in shock. "No." She said, shaking her head. "This is not what we discussed. I mean you should call them back and tell them were kidding." Meredith tried to tell him. "I gotta pee." Alex interjected and left the table when he had the chance. "I did not ask you to do this." Meredith said, trying to get him to understand her dilemma. "I never wanted you too …"
"I know you didn't." Derek said with honesty in his voice.
"I chose. I chose you and the kids." That was the decision he made after the conversation with the hiker who left his family to get help and then thought they were dead although they weren't. That reminded him of the situation he was in. A hint of a smile covered his lips. But he didn't expect Meredith to react that way. "I need a drink." With that she went over to bar counter. Maggie Pierce was sitting there too and they both ordered tequila simultaneously. "Tequila." Derek looked over to her for a moment, knowing she needed a moment to digest it all.
The next morning, Meredith and Derek were up early. Neither of them could sleep. The Washington D.C. thing was what kept them both up. But they still didn't talk about it, although they knew they had to. "Are you sure about staying here in Seattle? Be honest, Derek, do you really want to stay? I don't want to force you into staying. I am just saying that I am staying here." Meredith leaned against the counter, watching Derek eating his muesli like he does every morning after getting Zola and Bayls ready for daycare. "You're forcing me to stay because you are staying here." Derek answered, not daring to look at his wife. "I don't want to be apart from my children and you. I want to see them grow up, not just from pictures or skype." Zola glanced at both of her parents, unaware of the crisis that was coming up. "Mommy, Daddy, stop fighting." She said with big eyes, her doll in her hand, interrupting Meredith and Derek's bickering. Meredith and Derek turned around when they heard Zola's voice. Both shared a view. They didn't want it to go that way. "Daddy is angry with Mommy?" She asked. Meredith shot Derek a glance. He should explain what's going on, he decided to stay. Derek kneeled down and faced Zola who had no idea what was happening. "No, Daddy isn't angry with Mommy."
"You still love her?" Zola wanted to know although she had no idea what it actually means.
Derek looked up, seeing Meredith waiting for an answer, ready cover her real feelings with fake feelings. "I do, even if we're having a different opinion about things. I still love Mommy, Zo." Derek explained to his daughter. Zola nodded relieved. Meredith had turned around, away from Derek and Zola and she now leaned against the cupboard, avoiding Derek's glance in her back. She didn't want him to see her tears that were running down her cheeks due to his answer, mostly because he thinks it's her fault that they're now in this situation.
"Come on, Zola. Eat your breakfast." Derek told her and ran his hand over her head for a slight moment. "Okay, Daddy." Zola said and sat down, grabbing the fork and began to eat. "Have you gotten Bailey ready?" He then asked Meredith, his voice was way cooler than it was when he talked to Zola and Meredith heard that. "Yeah, I'll … do it." She said quietly, leaving the kitchen without looking up. Meredith went up to Bailey's room, waking him up and getting him ready. He had Derek's eyes, Meredith noticed when she looked at him. When Bailey was ready she took him downstairs where Derek was already waiting for them. Soon, they were on the way to the hospital.
After dropping Bailey and Zola off at daycare, they entered silently the attendings' lounge.
Nobody of them said anything. They lounge was empty, they were alone. Meredith turned to Derek. "Could you just stop ignoring me?" She asked. "You made the decision to stay, I didn't make you stay." Meredith told him. Derek took a sip of his coffee before attempting to answer. "Just let it go, Meredith. It's done. Okay, it is done. Over. Just let it go." He snapped.
"No, I won't-" Meredith gave back. She doesn't want this to be her life.
Zola already saw them fighting.
"Look, you are resenting me, Derek." She looked at him. "That's what's going to happen when I would have moved to Seattle. I would have treated you the way you treat me or worse. You shouldn't have done this, Derek, not at this cost." Meredith said. That's when Derek looked up at her.
"You don't want me here?" Now he sounded hurt.
"You … this isn't about me not wanting you here, this is about you resigning from a gigantic job offer and ignoring me in the aftermath. This was your decision, Derek, not mine. But I am the one who has to live with it. Your cold, absent behavior is what is doing no good. I am not complaining, I just …" "You just what? I gave this up for you …" Derek defended his decision. "But you're not happy here. You are walking around bossing others around because you can't have the job." "I am trying." Derek said.
"I know but you should have taken it. Call him back, tell him you have rethought this. You changed your mind, tell him that."
With that, Meredith left the room.
After their shift at the hospital:
"I don't want to fight anymore." Meredith said. "I don't either."
Derek sighed.
"You know that I love you?" He asked. "You do?" Meredith gave back. "You have been ignoring me all day, I mean we ate lunch together with Zola but ... Plus, Maggie Pierce is my half-sister by the way. In case your interested. She just told me." Meredith turned around to face him. "You ..."
He looked at her in shock-
"You have a sister?"
"We can talk more tomorrow, I just thought you'd want to know. She thinks she is my biological sister but I don't know."
/
When they both laid in bed, Derek leaned over to her and said something she really needed to her.
"Whatever happens we're gonna get through this, Mer. Just because it's hard right now, it doesn't mean it is all going to fall apart, we are not breaking up over of this. We signed up for this a long time ago. It's just one thing married couples have to deal with." Derek reassured her softly.
"I just don't want you to resent me and that's exactly what's going to happen if I will move to Washington D.C. with you. I can't do that to you or the kids. This isn't me being selfish for wanting to stay here, this is about more. My life, you and the kids, my work, it's all here in Seattle. I grew up here, I made a family here." Meredith told Meredith, hoping he'd understand or at least try to understand.
"We made a family here." She added quietly.
"I know." Derek simply replied. He doesn't want to argue anymore. They can do that tomorrow, the next week and so on … just not right now. Right now wasn't a good time, they both knew that. "Let's just go to bed." Meredith mumbled, not being able to look up. The man she learned to love was still there even if she has told him that she won't move to Washington D.C. Of course there will be more arguing and fighting about it tomorrow but for now they were okay and that was enough for now. Everything else will have to be figured out later.
At some point the light will be back …