FOR: Mockingjay Rose
FROM THE SECRET SANTA WISH LIST:
Gokudera wakes up one day with visions- memories- from his TYL self. Now, he must reverse the one fatal mistake Tsuna made, that started the Vongola-Millefiore war.
(I HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE -CLUTCHES CHEST-)
RATED T FOR STRONG LANGUAGE.
You cannot get in the way of anyone's path to happiness, it also does no good. The problem is figuring out which part is the path and which part is the happiness.
:59:
I doubted. Maybe that's it. Or maybe it's because I stepped on a kitten's tail last week. Why I started seeing him.
It began in dreams. Specifically one balmy July eve after I ate dinner at the Tenth's place and my fullness was punctuated by snores. I saw myself. Specifically my future self, the shirt underneath the finely-pressed suit a warm red. He looked rugged and spent, hands leaning almost dolefully to his sides. In his eyes I see disappointment and droll, molding into his icy green eyes as he utters the words:
The Tenth is dead and we blame ourselves.
I did not make a sound. Of course. The same mistakes. Though older. Though wiser, we return to our roots at times. History repeats itself. Somebody says this. Those lines ring hollow as I raise a fist, shaking.
"What do you want me to do? What you can't do?"
Distrust. He says, looking at me straight in the eye. Trying to pierce. Penetrate. Run through. He nearly succeeds. Nearly. I want you to kill this man. He shows me a picture. A bespectacled man. Uneasy smile. Gangly. Russet haired. His name's Irie Shouichi. Kill him before he brings our ruin. He
Before he finishes speaking I open my eyes. Cold sweat. Bright moon. Tears. My hand makes its way to my face. Tears. Christ. Christ.
The Tenth will die and I will blame myself.
:59:
The Tenth is alive and eating his poached egg. He is possessed by light as he greets me and urges me to sit. My sister hands me my plate, and soon I am digging into rice, egg, spring onion, beef. Yamamoto-kun isn't coming here today. He has training to do. Ennui. Bullshit. But I listen. I try smiling.
"T-Tenth, umm I was just wondering if you saw that s-stupid cow today. I-I want to play with him."
The Tenth looks at me. Subtly reproachful for what I am about to do. Does he know? Will he stop me? He finishes the rest of his meal and then calls out LAMBOOOOOOO! GOKUDERA-KUN WANTS TO PLAY WITH YOU! A blinding explosion answers and the cow crashes from the ceiling. I grin. He whimpers. But he's scary, Tsuna! I can't bully him! WAHHHH
Gokudera-kun's a nice guy, Lambo. And I'd rather not babysit you today. I'm going with Kyoko-chan to school this morning to see off Ryohei-san and then we'll
The cow doesn't listen and was hailing rockets upwards, bangs resounding from the walls. Reborn-san's kick comes to greet him, splaying him headfirst at the table.
I quickly took him outside. "Give me your damn bazooka, you stupid cow. I have something to check." His mouth foams as I hold him from the neck. The Tenth is entreating me to let go.
G Gack s stupid octopus head I don't let him finish his sentence and snatches the purple metal contraption emerging from his curly tresses that remind me so much of hair from-
I let go and run with Ten-Year-Bazooka, clutched in my arm. Its mouth stares back at me, quite accusingly. Only the cow had used this time-travel machine. There was an unwritten taboo for anyone else to copy him. But time is merely an essence and ephemeral and unrelenting so I force it otherwise and pull the lever. The cloud of thick smoke dissipates. I look around.
Greenery. Sunlight. The forest. My eyes must adjust. I look left and right. Only trees and undergrowth. Down. A brown attaché case. I open it and take out a set of rings, a small box, another small box, a note in G-script, a blue flash drive. I take only the flash drive and the note before letting my weary legs lead me forward in the woods, looking around until I saw a handsome mahogany coffin, the gilded borders entwining to form an X. Bile rose through my throat and I could not utter a word as my hands mindlessly pry it open.
A scream rings through the stillness of the woods. I could not stop. I did not notice sooner that I was then at the Tenth's feet. The living Tenth's feet, tremulously clutching the things I acquired from the future in my jacket. Gokudera-kun, the other guy before you almost had the same expression as you did. What did you see? Reborn-san, the cow, Nee-san, the Chinese girl and the star kid were huddled around us.
"W-We were just," I began to laugh. My stomach ached as I open my mouth, powerless to string words, my two feet walking past them. "I think I should go home."
I hear the cow taunting me as I come back to my dingy abode.
Gokudera-kun, visit us or call us as soon as you can, ok? the Tenth frets, and my heart leaps. But it was not enough for me to turn back at them. The Tenth, so fragile. So innocent.
He possessed a quiet courage. But I did not see it for the next several months since I followed him.
:59:
"Myself from ten years ago. If you are seeing this, I'm guessing you're not an idiot and actually plugged the flash drive in your laptop. I'm still using the same old piece of shit, but I never had enough money saved up for a new one, and it brought some good. I'm the best.
Ok, let me get straight to the point: What you saw in the forest wasn't an illusion that pineapple bastard made. That was the Tenth. The embalmer had to put a special paste on his entire body to make sure he was still recognizable. His fall from the sky, burning from his own flames will forever ingrain in my mind even after I get killed by Hibari for staying here the past few days. They want me to bury him already. Those fuckers.
Ah, I'm sorry. The reason he died. He was gunned down by a Mafia family, the Millefiore. They intend to wipe out the entire Vongola. Why? Because they want to. How did they succeed? The Tenth trusted too much. It's primarily his fault. But it's also ours, for never daring to question his actions, eventually steering us to our doom. That's why I want you to stop it. It's a great burden to ask from my fourteen-year-old self, but I have no fucking choice. The G-script I wrote should always remain with you so my present selves can tell you if your plan worked. I'll be counting on you. The entire fucking Vongola's counting on you."
:59:
Film your progress, you stupid son of a bitch. Even ten years later my future self still has that flair with words. I neatly copy the contents and tie the copies of the G-script in my bangles. No one will notice an extra charm.
I found him. Irie Shouichi lived in a house a few blocks from the Tenth's. He's younger by a year, and looks bookish and clumsy. A stereotype for a geeky, unpopular kid. I managed to swiftly corner him as he walks to morning class. That time, the Tenth and the baseball freak have received my voice-mail of being too ill to attend. Dazed, he stares at my dynamite stick, haplessness and disbelief simmering in his eyes. Seriously? I'm going to die? Again?
He caught me hook, line, and sinker, that smarmy bastard. "What do you mean again?"
You're in the Mafia, right? That bastard then asks me to walk him home. And I do obey. Listen. Wait as he scrummages to a wooden box, the red paint FRAGILE smeared over the top. He takes it aside to reveal bazooka shells. Is Lambo-kun doing ok?
He knew more than I thought. My grip on another bomb tightens as he takes out a shell.
"The cow's doing fine. You know how to use that?" His glasses are askew as he rushes to lock the door and pop the shell in a small box compartment above his desk, a chord dangling down to his table.
I've only done it once. He says. Is that why you want to kill me?
"No." No, no, no. He's onto me. This asshole's onto me and is saving himself. Reverse psychology. I killed a younger kid once. Not with bombs. I just threw a stone to his head in anger. One of the servant's sons. He died just like that. His mother did not complain. I can throw a stick at his head. It will explode. It will be easy. They cannot issue a warrant of arrest. We can silence his family. Money will do the talking.
My hand quivered as I eye him querulously. The smoke from my cigarette billows under the AC.
"No. It's what your future self will do. He'll end up killing my boss." I look at the clock. I wasted ten minutes from not finishing him off. I take out the ID picture I had of the Tenth and give it to him. "I want you to stay away from that man. I will kill you if you don't."
I can't afford to waste anymore time. Before he can reply I am already speeding down from their stairs, past his mother who has prepared crumpets for the guest and going to the Tenth's house to get the Ten-Year-Bazooka.
I'm not sure, Gokudera-kun. The Tenth says after I give him my request. The last time you used that, you look like you saw a ghost.
"Please? One last time?" I lied. Christ, I lied to the Tenth.
Eh… he thinks hard. Ok. Try prying it off Lambo though.
I don't want you to use it! Lambo screams angrily. You're too stupid to take in the future! I am better than you.
I did not waste words and merely took out things from his hair. I had to make sure I made the right choice. Gumdrops, combs, candies, tops, other pieces of shit. As I yanked his hair the hardest, I managed to pull out the accursed bazooka, aimed it at me and then fired.
Not the same place. This is darkness. I cough out dust and blindly searched for a switch. As I turn to the left, light floods the place, my hand instinctively pressed on a switch. The left side bore a door. Behind me was a desk. The room was white. A bed lay near the desk, by the windowpane. Only a flash drive lay there. I seize it and look at the drawers. Papers upon papers. Pens. Junk. I look out the window. Outside he could not make out the person below, but that person looks up and before I can see who it was I am back to the Tenth's abode, the mad cow crying beside us. He was waiting for my reaction.
What did you see, Gokudera-kun?
"Just a plain room." I can answer him honestly. I stand up and open the door.
What did you see the other time then? Was it me?
I could not answer as I darted past Reborn-san and my sister.
"I'm going to see someone!" I holler past and run to my apartment. I quickly stuff my laptop into a backpack and run straight to Irie's house, where he yelped at me once he opened the door. "Follow me to your room!" I say and walk straight inside, making his siblings push themselves aside and open his door. Books remain strewn in the same place. The bazooka shell still lay at the box compartment.
Umm I know this is sudden but I did do what you want me to do and what else do you want
"Help me piece this together," I state flatly, taking out my laptop and turning it on. I then stuff the flash drive in, opened the only file, and played.
"You didn't kill Irie Shouichi. You failed to save the Tenth." With that, the screen fades to black.
So you're here to finish the job?
"I don't kill losers." I look at my fingers.
I really did try avoiding him!
"Yeah, yeah," I replay the video. I got it. "Tell me, do you know what the Millefiore is?"
What?
"Nothing. Something feels off. Listen, how many times have you used those shells?"
I told you already I only used it once!
"What did you see?"
Well that's classified AGH! His linen collar tightens around his neck as his feet leave the floor.
"What did you see?" I repeated, now holding aloft one of my tiny bombs.
He swallows, tears now streaming in his face as he sputters. A college overseas. That was it, I swear!
"Has your future self left you a note?"
No, of course not! I don't get it either h how do I fit into killing your Tenth?! He coughs as he lands on the bed.
"I can only surmise what I think, since my idiot self couldn't leave any further details." I quickly write down in G-script another reminder for more info and then tell him my theory he becomes a mole from the Millefiore.
M-Me?! A Mafia member? That's really far-fetched!
"Dunno. I really need more info why the Millefiore attempted to annihilate the Vongola in the first place. But maybe I have a gist of it. My future self doesn't wear this. It's a heirloom of my family," I say, pointing at my left finger where my Storm ring rests along with the other rings I've collected over the years. Maybe this is one of the reasons why my future self resents the Tenth.
Then it doesn't make sense for the Millefiore to attack! Unless they're stupider than they are for attacking you guys when you don't have the rings! Or your future self must have kept it in a safe place.
"That's highly unlikely for the likes of me to do. Look man, I'm watching you ok? Remind yourself to remind yourself to never meet Sawada Tsunayoshi. You hear?"
:59:
Why would the Tenth do that? My feet were already darting past this sea of people at rush hour by the train station. Why would he do that? It didn't make any sense. How could he destroy- He couldn't have. Was there an incident? How did he decide that as the better action?
I didn't end up at the Tenth's place despite it being the obvious path I would take in my ruminating. I returned to my apartment without incident. But here I am, thinking. I can ask tomorrow if I can borrow the bazooka one more time to confirm my suspicions. Better yet, I can ask my future self to stop the Ring's destruction from happening. And I had to know how the Millefiore overpowered the Vongola in the first place.
So how did Irie Shouichi become a Mafiosi, if his future self's path was made straight? There are so many questions. I quickly write down the ones I needed to hear answers to. I have to ask tomorrow. I must.
:59:
It hits hard when you don't get what you want. Like a fucking sledgehammer. Early morning. Breakfast in the Tenth's house.
No, Gokudera. That's the final straw. The Tenth's tutor says. We let it slide the second time, but by the look on your face, the things you saw weren't getting any better.
"I- I see. Thank you." Shit. Now I have to go back to that Irie Shouichi's house to use one of his shells-
What exactly did you see ten years later? The Tenth asks, his gaze doing enough damage.
I smile. Best not to involve the Tenth in the mess I'll make. "Don't worry about it. I'm not gonna go after the bazooka anymore." The noodles are soggy but edible enough. I take another bite.
:59:
My mom's kinda weirded out by you. Irie says as he locks the door. And I have to be honest with you about something: I used the bazooka about five times already before you came here. But I was never in the Mafia.
"Whatever, that doesn't matter," I wave off, eyeing the shell still nestled in the illustration board container. "I'll be using that shell. I'll kill you if you refuse."
Yeah, yeah. I get it.
"It's amazing how you don't call the cops already." My right hand tightens on the string.
They wouldn't believe me even if I did. And my mom's fond of you. Thinks of you as my friend.
"Looks like the ruse is working," I say triumphantly before pulling.
I was in that room again. That cold room. Only this time, it was massacred. And there, in the desk lay the flash drive. Five minutes cannot pass by quickly when I need it to. The drawers were tempting, and they made sure to remain as such with their empty contents. The bed was also empty. His closet held no skeletons. Fuck. I was about to go to the metal slab called a door and push the button when I inhaled fresh air again, Megane-baka yelling in surprise as he gives me my laptop.
What did you… I didn't hear the rest of his mumbling when I thrust the flash drive into the computer and clicked the video.
It now made more sense. Byakuran was the leader of the Millefiore, and he was after the Trinisette, whatever that is, and needs our fucking rings to complete it. He ends to cite his failure to secure the rings. I quickly stop the video and swivel to Irie, whose face was white.
I-I didn't know he'll end up in this future... His tremors may well shake this house. I quickly light up a stick and placed it on the table.
"You have 10 seconds to explain what you oughtta' say," I say, balling my hands into fists.
I- I know who he is. I've seen him everywhere. In every future I went through- he was always there, and he knows me in every one. There's no hope. He has power we cannot imagine. We're doomed…
The stick whizzed past him by inches and explodes just outside his window. From below, a cacophony of surprise came from the Irie household.
He only looks at me, tears already present in his eyes as his legs give way like limp noodles. I'm sorry. T-This may be the reason I joined him in the first place. I'm a terrible person.
"So you wanna join that bastard? Is that your final answer?" Fuck, this idiot is going to hell here and now.
I-I don't know. I can't imagine myself… I can't be a bad person. It can't be true!
I kick a chair to my right, letting it crash to his desk and making him stop his wallowing. He remains on the floor, his eyes a moment looking down but his eyes quickly magnetize to mine.
"I'm not gonna kill you," I say firmly. This kid was no coward. He looks like it, but he definitely isn't. There should be more people like him in the world. I raise my fist to silence him as he attempts to argue. "And I'm not gonna force you to follow my orders. Not anymore."
I inhale. Fuck it, I'm getting sentimental. I quickly sit on the bed and leans at him, resting my hands on my thighs.
He doesn't say anything. Too shocked, maybe.
"It's your choice if you want to change the future or not. The Tenth gave me that choice once, and I'm gonna give you one too."
Yeah. He gave me that choice the first time we met. I always thought I was a sorry existence. Back then, it felt great to be someone. Or die trying. He gave both.
I'll help you.
He was querulously shaking as he stands, snot still seeping from his nose. I'll try. I don't know if I can do it though. But I'll try.
I blink for a few seconds as he rubs his face. What is it?
"Just surprised you agreed so soon," a smile tugs from my slack mouth earlier. I raise my hand. "Name's Gokudera."
He grins. Shouichi. His hand rattles with enthusiasm that was hella annoying. I think I can help with two things. First, I might explain why Byakuran's formidable. Second, I think I can create a Ten-Year-Bazooka. But I need your help. He inhales. When you came to kill me, I asked about you the next day in your grade. I never thought you'd have a brain underneath that thick skull.
I light up my dynamite to speed up his explanation.
Ok! Umm, by the sound of it, you can help me create an equation. For time-travel.
I instinctively threw the stick out the window, sending another wave of surprise from downstairs. My cigarette flew out as well.
"W-What the fuck- You already know it's impossible- Even if I'm smart- I don't think I can-"
You can, Gokudera-san. I'm only saying this as a safety net. We only have three shells at our disposal here. It would be suspicious if you got caught stealing Lambo-kun's bazooka. Or do you want the Tenth to know?
"O-Of course I do."
I don't think he should. It would plant him an idea to really destroy those rings. But if we change the future by ourselves, then maybe there's a chance. It starts when we build our own bazooka, Gokudera-san.
I wanted to argue. I'm not good at keeping secrets. The Tenth is probably keeping tabs on me at this moment. Add that I am still skeptical over creating a formula for time travel for Irie to decipher. It's like translating some dead language, and I'm not good with that bullshit.
"Whatever. Let's see tomorrow if we're fucked or not," I say, now standing up and wiping my bum. The sky was salmon today and my stomach was tossing and turning. I should be going. I nod at him as my hands envelop and turn the doorknob. It felt unnatural to greet his family goodbye, very unnatural for my lips to spout that word.
Fuck that word. Reminds me of another.
:59:
As a responsible Right Hand-to-be, it had to be done. I ate dinner alone at the baseball freak's resto. He was the one enthusiastically jotting down 'Supah Sashimi Combo' to then holler to his old man, who says my food was free. Blood must have colored my cheeks by then.
It took everything I got to wait for the baseball freak to finish tidying up the place long after I finished eating. I declined an extra order, mostly because his dad was one man I respected. And I knew from his slouch that his back was getting the better of him.
The baseball freak was wearing that stupid grin again, his brown eyes practically on fire as he sits across my table.
Tsuna's worried, y'know. He says, now folding his arms, probably to annoy me for those freaking weapons of mass destruction he gets from training. Or he's just exhausted. About you, he adds.
"Vice versa," I say, as my posture slackens. There was this thing about the baseball freak that makes people relax. I hate to admit it, but I definitely need that right now. "I saw things from the future. We were in the middle of a war." I cut to the chase.
His body doesn't go tense. But his grin was tugging into a frown, and his eyes, darting about earlier, were now focused at me.
What happened in the war? When you need it, Yamamoto definitely doesn't beat around the bush. It's been quite a while, since he fought with Squalo that I saw him this serious before. It makes my stomach hurt less.
But it felt unnatural. It took a lot of effort to fucking say those words.
"The Tenth died. And we blamed ourselves." Every syllable felt alien to my mouth as I released them. It was difficult, but liberating. It felt good to have a person- a subordinate- who knows what the hell you were fighting for.
He doesn't yell in surprise, nor does he wallow in the table in shock. He merely stares at me, a somber smile now present in his lips.
And you're trying to change that?
I look at the table. It took him this quick to accept it. Unnatural. Or maybe it's just me who took so long to accept his death. I nod slowly in reply.
We should tell the others. Hibari, Chrome, Sasagawa…. The names seem so faraway the more I look at Yamamoto. His voice felt restrained. Softer. It didn't feel like him.
"That's why I told it in the first place, you idiot," I said. "I need help to not make that come true."
His hand was quick to pat my shoulder. A blown-up smile of his was now inches from my face. It reminds me of the huddle we made during the ring scramble. Somewhat, it doesn't feel as embarrassing. Yeah, I'll help. He says.
"You're an easy one to talk to," I say in thanks, now standing up to pat his left arm. He closes his eyes, half-shrugging, half-chuckling.
You never tried, he says as I made my way to the door. Let's tell Sasagawa-senpai after school, alright?
I wave in reply before I left. I look up. The sky was bright tonight.
:59:
It was good to find out things about my subordinates. Things that packed more punch now that I'm at ringside and see them fight their battles.
It wasn't difficult to convince the Lawn head that a Ten-Year-Bazooka exists. There was friction at first. He was a dumbass. But then again, I learn about his often-absent parents, and how he's the man in the house for his little sister. It just took a few love taps from him to admit it. Good thing it was Yamamoto in the ring.
With him, it was easier to approach Hibari. He merely listens to the Lawn head. He snoozed halfway while he was up near the satellite at the school rooftop. Hibird chirped in his place. But I knew immediately, when we ran into Kusakabe to divulge everything about the Vongola. The Disciplinary Committee top dog relied only on Kusakabe. Before the Tenth, he might be the only family he had. I never hear where his mother and father had gone off to.
Mukuro's alter-ego was a fucking pain in the ass to search. Kokuyo Land was fucked up, but that Gorilla and the Yoyo guy were just nutcases. We had to fight them to get to Dokuro, who was half-starving herself. Yamamoto was a reliable idiot to bring the sushi feast, and everyone just dug in.
The Pineapple Head took Dokuro's place at the middle of the meal. His lips were curled into a sly grin as I gravelly explained everything my future self told me.
And how do you think will we stop this mishap, kufufu~?
"I think we need to warn the Giglio Nero," I say, but mostly suggest. Fuck, honestly I was twiddling my thumbs how we'll stop it from happening.
We have no right to order them around. And we don't know whether their present Capo will remain alive in ten years' time, Mukuro drawls. The Lawn head, Yamamoto and I exchange looks. Obviously, the two don't have any ideas to share. But I have a suggestion. Kufu, though I doubt you'll hear of it. It's the only way I can help you.
"What's in it for you?" I spat out. No matter what the Tenth says, I can't forgive this bastard for possessing my sister.
That is for me and the baby to discuss, he says coolly. Have you told him yet?
"After this, yeah." Reborn-san's a better option than the stupid cow no matter how you look at it.
Then listen. It may take a few years, but I guarantee that I will escape the Vendicare. And I won't escape alone. His twisted grin leaves his face, as his brows crease. I'll choose a less formidable opponent than this Byakuran, but he will be strong enough to make us depend on these rings. He helds up his Mist Ring from his left hand. It might make Sawada Tsunayoshi reconsider in destroying them in the foreseeable future.
Don't you think that will just make it worse? That he might decide to destroy them more? Yamamoto interjects, his eyes glazed in a light I didn't know he can possess.
Oh, I don't believe he will, if it involves severe trauma, kufu~ Say…
"Get the fuck out of here." I understood.
What did he want to happen? the Lawn Head presses. I hit him in the face.
"Get the fuck out of here, you soulless son of a bitch," I repeated, now standing up and seizing five dynamite sticks in each hand. Ken and Chikusa both also stand up, weapons at the ready.
Mukuro stares at me, almost complacent. Gokudera Hayato, the Vongola has made you soft. It's disappointing. You were most fit to be the strongest of us.
"Go to fucking Samsara or whatever you call your hell, you stupid pineapple head!" I now shout, lighting a cigarette.
He grins as indigo mist enshrouds the place, and Chrome falls in the Yoyo guy's arms.
What did Mukuro want to happen? the Lawn Head asks, immediately as I now hide my sticks and turns back. I hear their footsteps follow me from behind.
What were you so angry about, Gokudera? Yamamoto pipes up, and I can barely by then contain my rage, not at Mukuro, but at my own helplessness. And of how… I believe, that he may be right.
"He wants, whoever that man is escaping with him, to kill a person close to the Tenth. Christ, that crazy bastard shouldn't be in the Vongola." My head hurts. It fucking hurts.
Sawada's not like that!
We'll just protect everyone!
The pain wouldn't go away. "Y-Yeah. Listen, I'll go to the Giglio Nero's base in Italy to tell them about this. Baseball freak, you go tell Reborn-san. I'll give you the flash drive before my flight. Uh, Lawn head, I think it's best you tell Hibari again. I don't think that Kusakabe explained it to him properly."
Yamamoto caught me when I nearly fell.
Get some rest first. You don't look good, he says.
Yeah, you look like you haven't slept for days, the Lawn Head says as he offers me his water bottle.
"Yeah, I'm still not done with the formula…" I trail off as both supported me outside Kokuyo Land and onto a peach sunset. Fuck it, I really told them a lot of stuff I think I shouldn't have. I wobble a little as I took hold of the baseball freak's shoulder.
Let's buy some energy drink when we go back. Yamamoto understood right away, as he lets me clamber up to the bus stop.
:59:
I take an all-nighter to Shouichi's house. He has taken apart one shell and was studying each part, piece by piece.
You're going to Italy, right? He still doesn't look away from his work as he spoke. There's a list of materials on the bed. I googled the others, but I don't know if they're reliable enough.
I merely seize the materials and continued scribbling. The notebook was twenty more pages short. Fuck, I need more fucking notebooks. "Yo, got some more blank notebooks?"
Yeah, just look under the bed for the boxes.
"Thanks," I said as I yank an apple green colored notebook that seemed to have come from Irie's elementary school days. There were even doodles of houses and mushrooms.
There was no time for loafing around when I'm here at his house. Back in the castle, it's also a cycle of studies or piano-playing between meals. I could pull five days straight of all-nighters then without missing a beat, but now it's hard to even set my pencil on the notebook lines. Being with the Tenth has made me lazy, in a way. Funny how it doesn't seem so bad.
Gokudera-san…
He stopped using his magnifying glass for a moment as he looks at me.
Are you sure you're doing the right thing? You know, defying your Tenth from the future? Maybe he knows what he's doing. Maybe it's a good thing the rings got destroyed.
"It ain't a good thing to know your Boss will get killed," I freeze.
So you don't trust his choice? Just because you have the foresight then you have the right to say no?
Shouichi's head barely reached my chin as I size him up. His eyes are ablaze. I did not pull out my stick. My head was too fuzzy to care.
Gokudera-san, I think you'll just start another war. It's what the mangas I read talk about. The best friend doing everything to save their friend, only to become bad guys in the end.
"Who made you think about this stuff?"
N-No one, Gokudera-san. I just think… that maybe… maybe your future self is wrong.
"Then why the fuck would he go to great lengths to warn me?"
The last thing I need is this kid to bail on me. If push comes to shove, I really have to get that cow's bazooka no matter what. I have to know if I'm doing the right thing.
I don't know… he says lamely, now looking at his feet swathed in grey socks dotted with elephant prints. I just… I think you don't know who the real enemy is.
"Are you an idiot? Of course I fucking know who the enemy is! It's Byakuran! It's…" Fuck, my enemy. Jesus. Shit. Fuck.
You're already starting a war, the wrong war, he says, every syllable feeling like a punch through the gut. I read it once. You cannot have an enemy if you keep saying yes. It's not this Mukuro guy too, isn't he? It's not Byakuran. You know who he is, don't you Gokudera-san?
That was all I needed to seize a shell and aim it to my head.
:59:
I come to, and I am back in the forest. Nature annoys me with the nonstop sounds of the twittering birds and cicadas.
By my side lies the casket. I did not want to look at the contents, else I would lose my shit again.
I take the flash drive from the open brief case and begin walking outside. No signs of humans. We must have lain the Tenth to rest in the middle of the forest. That was all I saw, even when I came back to reality, with Shouchi shivering in the same spot. My notebook was in front of him.
Your future self, Shouichi said, pointing at the new notebook, all scribbled with equations. He did it. He made the formula for the Ten-Year-Bazooka. He was more shocked than I was. I let him hold the notebook and go on his business.
His eyes never crossed mine as he didn't press the same question from five minutes ago.
:59:
The Tenth called me fifteen minutes before the plane took off.
You didn't tell me you were leaving to Italy. I could imagine him pouting as the cow and the tail-head sashay in the background.
"I needed a breather. I'll be back to see my dad." I didn't lie. I really needed to return to the castle. I needed to borrow a helicopter and a pilot to see the Giglio Nero. And a jet to return to Namimori so we can begin assembling the bazooka.
The flash drive remains in my jogger pocket.
Alright. I- I guess you can say I was just worried about you. Call me when you're back, ok? It's been awhile since we went somewhere with Yamamoto-kun.
You're already starting a war, the wrong war.
"Sure Tenth." I didn't sound reassuring. I wanted him to hang up. Half because the stewardess was demanding that I do, but half because someone else was holding the telephone.
Yamamoto told me about it. Reborn-san's tone was on point, no bullshitting. I think it's best to follow Mukuro. And you shouldn't tell Tsuna about anything.
There was raw indifference in what Reborn-san was telling me. Only his voice made sense to the present chaos happening as the plane prepares for take-off. The stewardess is near livid as she attempts to pry me of my phone.
"Don't you think things will get worse if that happens?" I couldn't hide my desperation. The flash drive became more and more solid in my other hand.
There is a possibility. He pauses. I know Tsuna. He's stubborn to a fault, and he needs one death to wake him up to sensibility. With that, he hangs up. I let the stewardess chide me and put on my seatbelt.
Great, now I'm wondering why the fuck I'm even questioning why I thought Reborn-san was a kind man than I believed he was. Of course he's a hitman. Of course he'll choose one life to save his pupil. Or any other lives.
:59:
"The Tenth dies in this future, if you wanted to know. So does the cow idiot, who was shot to pieces just so the Boss won't have the worst of it.
"I always wanted to retrace the fucking reason why the Millefiore even wanted to annihilate the Vongola. I did sent for representatives. Told them we don't have the rings. They flogged him first and sent us his eye. That was their answer. They didn't give a fuck. We're at the top, so might as well shoot us down ASAP.
"You're coming from the time Irie stood up to you. I remember his question. I'll remember it until I meet that bastard in hell. We're almost upon him now. But that traitor was right though. You won't have enemies if you keep sucking it up. I didn't, my fourteen-year-old self. I can't suck it up. That's why I made him my enemy, and he won the war.
"He won, but he spared my life. Up until the end… in that fucking ambush… he gave my life to me. Maybe that's why Reborn-san can't forgive him. Why the baseball freak can't forgive me. I fucked it up. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you reset this. But you must try. The Tenth can't die. Not now."
:59:
It took three days for me to return and get the shit Shouichi ordered and five more apologies to the Tenth as we went to the movies and ate in Yamamoto's resto. He kept complaining about the bags under my eyes, and I kept my game face on throughout.
Over and over, the tape replays in my head. Throughout our joyride, the tape replays.
The Tenth doesn't seem to notice, and it assuages me to a degree. At least he's still here. At least we're still here.
That night, back in Irie's house, I was now helping him translate the things I and my other self wrote in the ten notebooks. It will take about five days for the first three shells, he says, if I don't sleep.
"That's fine," I says. "Make sure you sleep on your classes."
That is my intention, he says sleepily before resuming his work. So wanna have another go? The shell is lying in a familiar corner on top of the shelves. He gives me the string and a pat of reassurance.
I give a thumbs up before pulling the string.
Maybe my future self is wrong all along. Maybe I can trust this Four-eyes.
:59:
There is blood pooling from my spot, and I couldn't hold in my nausea. I puked until I got sick of looking and finally stared around.
It was the same old shell of a room I kept remaining in, over and over. There was the desk, and the gun on the floor that ended it all. The laptop remained on, the flash drive still stuffed on a port.
Then a knock on the door.
Gokudera?
I freeze. Of course, it's that fucking familiar voice. It was deeper, and worn with years, but there was that familiar breeziness to it. Like they weren't in the middle of a fucking war and Vongola was just a fucking name they made up.
Another slam on the door. I yank the flash drive quickly enough before the metal fell to the floor with a loud clatter and in stepped an older Yamamoto, who was frowning deeply, the moment he sees the gun and scarlet.
He turns to his left and sees me. Both of us had our mouths open in five seconds. He was the first to open his mouth.
From the Ten-Year-Bazooka, huh? he forces a smile and soon he does envelop me in a tight embrace, and I can't even push him away. This man has seen more fuck-ups than I have as of this present. He needs a break.
Listen, before you leave… he scratches his nose before laughing- it was a weaker laugh compared to the Yamamoto I was accustomed to. Tell my past self to consider aiming for Koshien. Because I quit early.
I notice the scar on his face and more scars from his knuckles. It was obvious. He chose us over his dreams.
"Yamamoto uh- FUCK- FUCK- FUCK!" I nearly blew up Irie's place when I land on all fours, as if I woke up from a nightmare. Shit, five minutes really isn't enough. I needed to know more. I wanted to see the rest. Fuck it all. Fuck. Fuck.
Irie looked like he saw a ghost as he stares at me.
G-Gokudera-san, can I ask you something….
"What? Something in my face? You don't look too pleased to see me. Or did my future self show you an equation for world destruction or something?"
N-No. It's just… your future self didn't appear. At all.
My blood runs cold as I take out my laptop and load the video from the USB.
G-Gokudera-san, what does it mean?
I click the play button.
Gokudera-san?!
"Irie…" My right fist was trembling violently. I couldn't look at him. "This video might show my last moments. Will you be ready to see it?"
Instantly, my TYL self shows in the screen. He wasn't like the other selves I saw.
This one had rings under his eyes that bordered on black. He hadn't shaved for weeks, and he was wearing a soiled red polo shirt, whose stench seemed to wallow even beyond the screen.
"I have to," he says as he holds my shoulder. "Play it."
It took just five words for my own body to stand trembling. I do obey, and I close my eyes at the inevitable ending.
:59:
"I followed Reborn-san's orders but it turns out, he knew the Tenth much less than we could. He destroyed the Rings in the end. Reborn-san's life was in vain.
"I've been thinking for the past few days since the Tenth got killed. My other selves used to forget how he lost his life every time. I remember though, vividly.
"The Tenth was tortured. They really thought he was lying about the rings. He died like a fucking dog. And I couldn't do anything. None of us could do anything. Even that fucking Hibari bailed on us. I hate him. But I hate myself the most, because I interpreted Irie Shouichi's words differently.
"There is no right or wrong war. All wars are the same war. If you say no, you'll make enemies. If you say no, it doesn't mean you're thinking of what's best for that person. You're just stripping him of a chance to stick to the choices he's making, no matter how deplorable. You're restraining his possibilities.
"I did end up thinking the Tenth was my present enemy. I stopped believing nearly halfway during my stay as his Right Hand. He broke a lot of rules. His name became fucking taboo. And when he wanted to destroy the rings, after Reborn-san sacrificed himself, I lost it. But the damage was done. He won, but he died winning. The Millefiore didn't do much to damage him. I was enough to break him.
"I did try making amends. For one, I came back. Yamamoto became the chief, and I didn't care much. It was like guerilla warfare. We couldn't launch a full scale attack. The Tenth had no successor, so no one to truly rally the family. I don't even know how long we'll hold on here. The enemy's getting closer and closer by the day.
"In this future, I broke my promise to Reborn-san. I told the Tenth the truth days after you see this. I believed in him. Yeah, believed. But I wasn't as trusting. And it ruined everything. You're better than this. That's why, I want you to believe in him. And believe in yourself.
"As for this gun… I don't want to die while looking in that Byakuran's eyes. I've realized just now too… you know. How we've often said no to the Tenth's request. We made him our enemy before there was even plans for war. Maybe you can change that. You can start by saying yes."
:59:
"You alright?" I ask Irie, who had closed his eyes once he hears the gun shot. I quickly close the window and turn at him, a grave smile present on my face.
Just shaken, not too stirred. He says, now wiping his glasses. Whew, good thing, I didn't wear them throughout the show.
There was still that other video accusingly hovering onscreen, making me shove the entire monster in my backpack.
The Mafia's a bloody place, he continues as he now curls at the bed, his head visible in the moonlight. Wonder how you survived that.
"Yeah, it is." I couldn't say anything else. My eyes were on the carpeted floor and I was still mulling over what the fuck my future self's last words meant.
Umm, how was your trip with your dad? He attempts to change the topic.
"Ok, I guess. I mean, he accepted me for one. He asked me how my sister was, how I was doing, all the mundane shit you can ask to someone you're not that close to."
What about the Giglio-something?
"Oh, it was fine. Turns out, their Boss is an Arcobaleno. She told me to say 'hi' to Reborn-san."
Who's Reborn-san?
We ended up sharing stories as the night ended. I learned more about him and vice-versa. I know, he tried to make me forget about the stuff my future self said and he failed, but I didn't mind. It's been quite awhile since I divulged this much to anyone, moreso than the Tenth, and it was comforting.
Listening to his ennui has me thinking as well. About the future. About our future. About wars. All kinds of wars. About trust and distrust. About hope. About choices. About yes and no.
Soon it was morning, and I went with Irie to school.
"See you in five days," I wave. He bows in an awkward sort of way before scampering onto his classroom. I wear a smile when I enter mine and see Yamamoto and the Tenth.
We spent the next few days biking, hanging on restos, or just singing karaoke. I asked that Miura, Dokuro and the Sasagawa siblings come along, much to the Tenth's and the Baseball idiot's surprise. I made sure to spend my nights in the Tenth's house along with the kids and Reborn-san. Irie called me a couple of times to ask questions, but things went without a hitch.
What's with the sudden change, Gokudera? Reborn asked me one Thursday afternoon when we returned home, licking ice cream. Tsuna and Yamamoto also give their full attention.
"The fuck, I'm just sick of not having fun," I admit, laughing as I do. My two friends just shrug as they continued slurping on their melting ice creams. Reborn-san now jumps on my shoulder and whispers at my ear.
That bad huh?
I just nod, a smile now plastered on my face. "But it won't stop me. This might be my only shot."
He says nothing as he tilts his fedora.
Days pass on as such, until one Saturday where the Tenth and I waited for Yamamoto in the park, our asses in swings as I mock-competed with the Tenth who will reach the highest. He nearly flies off, if not for me jumping in time and sending us sprawling in the dust, laughing.
You try so hard, don't you? He says as we now play on the see-saw.
"I just want to be your…" I couldn't say the rest as he flinches before I utter them. I laugh instead and attempts to make the Tenth let go of the handles. He shouts in surprise and nearly falls off. "Come on Tenth, you can do better than this!"
Bring it on! And with such, I do let go of the handles and jump, now attempting to wrestle the Tenth, who was off running. Most of the kids and parents in the park were giving us weird looks the more we monkeyed around.
The sky was orange before we knew it.
We ended up sitting on the play dome. The Tenth was at the topmost part, while I sat just a couple of inches below the right.
"That was fun, isn't it Tenth?" I laugh as I look at the changing colors of the sky. In ten minutes' time, Yamamoto would be coming here. Best enjoy these last ten minutes with him.
Wish days like this would last. I don't want to take high school entrance exams yet, he yawns, now both feet in front.
"I'll help you study!" I quickly offered, but the moment I remember that our time in Namimori would soon run out the moment the Ninth decides to step down makes my stomach growl.
We won't have time, he sighs. Reborn wants to train me for the Inheritance Ceremony for the next few weeks just in time before the entrance exams. I don't even want to do that either
"Then don't. You can just tell Reborn-san that you don't want to. That you want your life to stay like this, forever and ever…" I trail off, squinting at the sun.
That I tell him I don't want to be a Mafia Boss?! He looks at me incredulously. A-Are you Gokudera-kun? You wanted to be a Right-Hand man, right?
"Yeah, but I can just be someone else, if you want to." I say calmly, without hesitation. "I'm sure Reborn-san will understand. I'm really ok to live a normal life like this." Where the Tenth is around. "I'm even willing to be your best mate if I have to."
The Tenth chooses his words carefully and takes awhile to answer.
What did you see in the future, Gokudera-kun?
Your death. Our guilt. Our destruction. I wanted to say then, but I also choose my words carefully.
"The Tenth having less options to do what he wants to do." My voice nearly breaks as I say those words.
In a flash of a second, the Tenth seemed to understand.
I see. I'll think about what you said. Thank you, Gokudera-kun.
I say nothing. My eyes were glazing.
People often said that you're a punk. A dangerous guy. Someone who I'm better off without. But I don't think so, he smiles as he says those words. I think you're a great guy, Gokudera-kun. Someone I'm willing to be great friends with for the rest of my life. I hope, no matter what path I choose, you'll stay.
"Of course," I quickly brush my eyes. Everything glistened. "Of course, Tenth."
:59:
You ready? So far the two targets we tried it on didn't come back. It must be your fault.
"What the fuck, you were the one who made the shells! You deserve 99% of the blame!"
Says the person who screwed up the equation. Geez, I was just applying what you wanted me to apply.
"Hurry up and pull it already!" I said impatiently, now lighting up the dynamite stick in my hand.
He holds up our prototype. It was still grey and unpainted. The hemp string I made looked like it could break any moment.
Wait a minute. Please let me catch my breath, he says, adjusting his glasses.
"Five seconds till this stick explodes," I say flippantly.
Ok! Ok! Will you let me say some last words before you go?
"Three seconds."
He was the one who spits on the fuse and sends a string of curses from my breath.
I just want to say…. I don't know if the bazooka will make you land in the right time, or if you do remember what I'm gonna say, but I'm gonna say it now. Thank you! He bows. Thank you! He bows again. Thank you for asking for my help! It means a lot!
"Uh," I throw the stick away and gapes at him. He was already sobbing uncontrollably.
W-When the time comes… Ten years later or wherever, I want you to wait for me. I'm definitely joining the Vongola, no matter what your future self says, or whatever you may hear in the future!
"You know, if I do return five minutes later, I'm seriously gonna laugh at you even when my eyes fall out," I say half-jokingly, half-annoyed. "Thanks too, for lending a hand. But seriously, you don't have to worry too much. I'll be fine."
He then raises his bazooka, and I feel nostalgia cool my senses for a moment. It feels like a lot has happened since I had that dream.
I think your Tenth is very lucky, to have a friend like you. He smiles, giving me a thumbs up, his right hand at the ready. See you soon, Gokudera-san!
I close my eyes one more time as the shell hits me. Once more, the cicadas come. The birds sing. The light blinds me for a moment. Here it was. The place where it all began. I'm here.
"G-Gokudera-kun!"
I smile as I see the one who called.
So is he.
:59:
Together we trace out the trail away from doom. There isn't hope, there is a trail. I follow you.
FIN
The first and last lines are from the poem, War of the Foxes, by Richard Siken. Thank you for reading!
To Mockingjay Rose: I hope you like it! Sorry it took so long!