Dear Diary,
Today I'm feeling more depressed than I've ever been in my life. Not so much depressed as humiliated really. I've practically been scarred for life, since today I was the official laughing stock of Olympus. Ares and me that is. I mean, don't people understand that I really can't help falling for every handsome god that happens to catch my eye? Like, living with Hephaistos is not exactly what I dreamed of. I would like a bit more attention sometimes. No one seems to pay attention to me any more. I get blamed for everything nowadays; even the Trojan War was supposedly my fault. I find this terribly unfair that no one listens to me, not even my dad. Although, I guess I'll have to thank him for not punishing me when I was caught in Hephaistos' ridiculous net. I've never been more embarrassed in all my life. Ares and I just sort of stumbled upon each other and one thing led to another. Maybe I should have known better than to take him to Hephaistos' bed. But all this time I thought that he didn't suspect a thing. And he was supposed to be away that whole day, too. I guess he's much cleverer than I thought he was. I don't know where my dad got the idea to marry me to Hephaistos.
Today after that whole Ares-and-me-being-displayed-for-everyone-to-see episode I'm out taking a walk to clear my head and to try to forget about what happened. It's not that easy to get over, you know. How would you like it if you were seen and laughed at by loads of people while you were in bed, as if you were performers in some cheap show or something? I don't feel like going back home. I can never face the other gods now. I don't know what they're going to tell me when they see me, especially now that they've seen me naked! And I really, really don't want to face my husband. I don't really know where I'm going or when I'm going back home, I'm just carrying on walking and seeing where I end up.
I'll tell you a secret. I secretly always felt that what I was doing was a little unfair to my husband. I mean, he's always been kind to me, and he makes me the most beautiful jewellery and furniture too. I wouldn't like it if he did something like that to me. But to go to bed with a handsome god was kind of hard to resist, you know? People tell me that I take after my dad, and I guess I do, but that's nothing to be proud of really.
I keep walking and walking now. But it's getting dark. Pretty soon I'll have to go back home. Sometimes at nights I like to sit on my balcony and look at the moon. That's my most peaceful time of the day. Everybody calls me shallow, like I don't care about anyone but myself but that's not true. I like to help people, especially if they've got love problems. Like I'm having right now. So, I'm the goddess of love, but right now, I don't even know how to help myself. I'm so confused, I can't even think clearly.
I sighed deeply, and decided I have to start heading home. I wish I could stay out here forever and never have to talk to anyone ever again, but unfortunately now I have to go back to reality. Fantasy is better than reality a lot of times. My fantasy is that in this world everything is perfect, you never get any problems and everybody's happy. But that, of course, is impossible.
People have always treated me like I don't have any feelings. But of course I have feelings. Nobody's realised this, but I can be very sensitive most of the times. You think I like it when I see all the other gods arguing with each other? So, OK, I take part in these arguments, but seriously, by acting all flirty and bubbly and loud like I usually do, I'm only trying to hide my true feelings. That's all I'm doing. I've never told anybody this because I never feel like I can talk to anyone. I feel that everyone hates me and they don't understand me. I can never reveal how I really feel to anyone. And now even my own husband hates me. Especially my husband, in fact. And actually I'm pretty sure Ares will blame me for what happened, he'll probably say I shouldn't have taken him to Hephaestus' bed, which I shouldn't have, but it wasn't my fault. Lots of things that are supposedly my fault are never my fault. Like that time I fell in love with Anchises. I'm sure my dad planned that to punish me for always making him fall in love with mortal women. I really have nothing better to do.
Pretty soon I walked all the way home. I was expecting Hephaestus to start shouting at me the minute I opened the door, but he wasn't there. I'm sure everyone's gone to dinner now. I don't feel like going to dinner and facing everyone. I'll wait until tomorrow for that. Besides I'm not very hungry, and of course I get bored eating the same thing every single day. Can't we have a little variation in our dinner sometimes, that would be nice. I've never really understood why we have to eat ambrosia every single day.
I walked in the house silently and sank down onto my armchair. I'm glad Hephaestus isn't here, I want to spend some time alone right now. But whenever he comes home I'll just simply try to explain what happened. Things will definitely be a bit awkward between us now; it'll be a long time till everything's back to normal. But in some strange, twisted way, there's a part of me that really does have a small amount of feeling for Hephaestus. Plus I kind of feel sorry for him. I hope I can get him to forgive me.
The time passed, and I was starting to get bored instead of nervous or depressed now. I really need someone to talk to right now. But then just as I thought this I heard Hephaistos walk into the house, more quietly than usual. I felt a little uneasy. He saw me on the armchair and silently stared at me, and sighed. I think he was expecting me to talk first.
"I've been waiting for you to come home," I said quietly.
"You weren't at dinner today," he said simply.
"I wasn't very hungry."
"Well I brought you some ambrosia, just in case you wanted any."
"Thanks," I smiled briefly. I couldn't believe he was being this nice to me after what I did. "You didn't have to do that," I added.
"I didn't want to either. Zeus made me because he said you might be hungry. I guess he understood why you didn't come to dinner," he said kind of angrily.
"I guess I had that coming," I mumbled. Zeus is really being easy on me, I thought. Not only did he not punish me; he's doing things for me.
"Tell me about it," Hephaistos continued, sitting down. He must have read my mind. "He didn't exactly give you the punishment you deserve, did he?" I shook my head vigorously. Just agree with everything he says, I thought. That way I might get him to go easier on me. "You don't have to try to explain, you know," he continued. "I know you've never loved me."
"I'm not going to try to explain," I said. I was glad he actually told me I didn't have to. Right now I was only trying to end this conversation without an argument, at least. Because now even I realised my mistake. "I just thought you should know, I just simply bumped into Ares one time, I didn't even know him properly then. I always thought I was being unfair to you. Just please don't shout at me now."
"I'm not going to. By the way by trapping you in that net I only made myself look stupid. You don't need to worry about the other gods saying anything bad about you. In fact most of them had extremely good things to say, especially Hermes," he added bitterly. "He's crazy about you, you know."
I smiled secretly. I always knew Hermes wanted to go to bed with me, but I would have expected him and everyone else for that matter to be laughing at me and not at Hephaistos. He's done nothing wrong. I'm so confused, now I actually want people to laugh at me.
"I always suspected that," I carried on. But anyway, I just think you should know that I know that what I did was wrong, and I promise that I will never do it again."
"Don't promise that," Hephaistos said. "Promises like that are never kept."
"I keep my promises," I said indignantly.
"I know you do, I just said a promise is difficult to keep a lot of times." Hephaestus sighed and then continued. "Maybe I shouldn't have invited everyone to take a look at you and Ares. I admit that."
"That's OK," I said. "I totally don't blame you for doing that."
"Maybe we should never have got married. We're not right for each other."
"Look, I just think you should know, I think that you're very nice. I mean, you can be arrogant and moody and say the wrong thing in every situation. You're not very handsome and I've always thought that the way you walk is rather funny," I started off. "But…I like you. Just the way you are. And…if you wanted to spend some more time with me sometimes that might be nice."
We were both silent for a minute there. Hephaistos looked very surprised at hearing that. At first I even surprised myself, but I was telling the truth. I really was. I waited to see what would happen then.
"You're telling me the truth, aren't you?" Hephaistos said quietly.
"Of course I am," I continued eagerly. "I know things have never been very good between us but I am telling the truth."
With that he smiled at me. Then, to my surprise, he came over to me and hugged me tight. I wasn't expecting that. But that did make me very happy, though. This could be a new beginning for him and me. "Does that mean you forgive me?" I asked. "Because I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
"I forgive you," Hephaistos said. "Because I feel the same about you. I always have. I just never thought you did."
I smiled and beamed at him. "I just think you should know I just always thought everyone hates me. I've never told anybody how I really feel."
Hephaistos laughed then. "No one hates you, you silly girl. Everyone loves you. Including me," he added. "I do forgive you. At least for now!"
"I'll make sure to keep my promise," I said, even though I knew that maybe a promise like that wasn't such a good idea! But I need to be a faithful wife. With that Hephaistos reached in his pocket and produced a wonderful gold bracelet. "For you," he said. "That was my apology too."
That was so sweet of him, I thought. He actually made me something to say sorry. I suddenly felt really sorry that I treated him so badly. "Thank you," I said. "It's beautiful. You didn't have to do that though," I added, but I accepted it anyway! That's just what I'm like, I'd accept anything, especially anything pretty.
From then on I felt much better. I had managed to help myself when I had love problems. I never actually imagined that my own love life would be so much more complicated than other people's would. I don't know if things will be perfectly happy for me now, but at least they'll be better. Much better.
Pretty soon I managed to face all the other gods again. Hephaistos was right; most of them had the nicest things to say about me. From then on Ares and I acted rather distant, because I guess neither of us wanted to be reminded of what happened. But one day I approached him and asked him, "So – have you got over that utter humiliation that happened a few days ago? I know I have."
"I was just beginning to," Ares said. "Look – let's promise never to talk about this ever again."
"OK," I said and we both laughed. I still like being friends with him. But I guess what happened made me change. I'm happy now, even though sometimes I'm still tempted by other people. I'm happier than before. I guess this is what I needed all this time. A new beginning.