Never Saw That Coming

by Shepard vas Lucky

Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the SSV Normandy. It's ongoing mission: to destroy the Reapers. To reference as many tv shows/movies as possible. To deliver shocks that no-one saw coming.

1. Chapter 1

Author's note:

Suspend all belief. This is not the Mass Effect universe as you currently know it. Many of the characters say things that may not normally come out of their specie's mouth.

I do not own anything that you recognise, which will be a lot.

NEVER SAW THAT COMING

CHAPTER 1- A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE CITADEL

Shepard:That's the problem with being dead for two years; I'm only just remembering some things from my "previous life."

Miranda:It's to be expected Shepard, memory engrams are just plain finicky.

Garrus:It doesn't help when you're exploded, shot, vaporized, vacuumed, gone through re-entry and smashed into a planet at 3000 km/h.

Grunt:"Grunt."

Thane:Perhaps more reflection and contemplation is required.

Jack:Whatever.

Shepard:Enough already. I only mentioned it cause I was thinking back to Kaiden's memorial service. Was it just me, I couldn't help feeling like Kaiden was somehow there with us, like, not just in spirit.

Tali:Don't be such a boshtet Shepard; you're supposed to feel that way.

Garrus:Interesting Shepard, I remember my spectre senses were tingling. However, as I had little experience with your human interment customs, I thought no more of it. My feeling however, concerned our old adversary Saren, which probably explains why I couldn't keep my hand off my weapon.

Jack:Is that your sniper rifle or are you just happy to see me.

Garrus:Er, umm, er, has anyone seen my visor?

Shepard:It means more to me now because I had the same feeling when we attacked the collector home world. Like I had some sort of guardian angel watching over me, tracking my every move.

Tali:Miranda, you sure you connected all the neurons in that misfiring brain?

Miranda:Does my butt look better in black or white?

Jacob:Everything looks better in black, ooh yeah!

Garrus:Shepard, what is this all about?

Shepard:It's nothing really; it's just that we've just survived a suicide mission we weren't ever going to make it back from.

Jacob:I blew a year's wages on that, I got five to one we wouldn't return.

Legion:Do you have any understanding of probability Taylor-Officer?

Jack:Hey Taylor, you tool, how were you planning to collect?

Jacob:Ask Donnelly, he ran the pool. He sure likes to laugh.

Tali:So Shepard, looking for some sort of pilgrimage to Alenko Vas Normandy's grave?

Jack:Hullo, anyone home, memorial, no body, no grave, like, duh!

Garrus:Shepard what is this all about?

Shepard:No time to talk now, I'm headed to see Mordin for my yearly physical. I swear, if he sings one more Gilbert and Sullivan song I'll…

Grunt:Grunt!

Samara:A thousand more years of this inane conversation, goddess, kill me now.