Disclaimer: I dare not take it away from the great Kishimoto-sensei. No.
Warnings: Language. And Sadness. Just want to be careful here.
Summary: The cold voice will never go away. Some images will never fade. The pain and wound in his heart will always bleed. Hatred and anger will always be a part of him. He will never be the same again. He HAS to accept that now. An Oneshot on the struggle of Uchiha Sasuke at age 8.
Song recommendation: Black Night Town by Akihisa Kondo (Naruto Shippunden ed27)
Cover Your Ears And Run
by Teru
The rain was pouring down in heavy buckets. It wet his clothes. The stinging coldness was soaking through him, spreading like a wild fire. Strange, how cold water could feel like white hot pain against your body.
He stared at the empty hallway ahead of him.
They were all gone.
It was no dream. The nightmare was reality.
How foolish he had been...thinking that maybe the memories stuck in his head were some sickening night terrors while the laceration on his left upper arm was clearly an unshakable evidence of his brother's atrocious sin.
He wished he had never woken up in the hospital. He wished he had died among them...among his kin.
But he knew that he was being an coward for turning away from the truth...the truth of his slaughtered family and his deplorable, contemptible betrayer of a brother.
.:.
The torrent did not halt. Instead, it grew even stronger over the hours. The nightfall dwelled upon the empty Uchiha compound.
He stood silently on the entrance of their mansion, staring blankly into the gloom outside.
Everywhere he went memories flooded in like waves surging over him, drowning him in those times he couldn't possibly go back now.
Climbing up the staircase, he staggered towards his bedroom. He wanted to crawl up his bed, pull the blanket over his head and stop everything.
At last, he was perfectly still on his bed. His clothes hadn't completely dried off yet, but he didn't seem to notice. The fabric stuck to his body and his skin was cool. He would surely come down with a cold for falling asleep like this, but that was the least thing he cared right now.
The old Uchiha Sasuke died that night. He died with his family. His love, dreams, hope and beliefs...died with him altogether.
And then he started a new life. A regular, mundane life. His whole existence had ceased to a simple word, vengeance. Anything besides that simply wasn't important. So his life became something very simple and routined. He carefully monitored and controlled it.
5:30 – Getting up and getting ready for morning training
6:00 – Training
7:00 – Showering and breakfast
8:00 – Academy
17:00 – Supper
18:00 – Training
20:30 – Bath
21:00 – Reading and homework
22:00 –Bedtime
Nevertheless, he frustratingly noticed that, sometimes, his emotions was still capable of slipping through his cautiously maintained lifestyle. He would find his homework pages filled with the word 'korosu' (1) or some profanity he couldn't even remember where he had learned that from. He would pummel a tree trunk in the middle of a shurikenjutsu training session, suddenly seeing all red and his brother's ghost. He would tremble in cold sweat, his heart beating like madness and waking him up in the depth of night. He would stand silently at the doorway to kitchen and weep as he pictured his mother beside the cabinets. He would stare at the bloodstains on the wooden floor for hours. He, sometimes, would lie on his bed for a whole day and couldn't get up for school, for training, and just for the sake of living. He would find himself holding a kunai, walking into the bathroom and staring at his wrist for an unhealthy amount of time. He would find emotions sneaking up on him. He could stare at a blank wall like the world would never end.
And he seemed to forget how to properly make any facial expression now; he didn't give a damn, though. He couldn't imagine himself adjusting to anything new. Friends. Hobbies. Future. He stopped himself from thinking about anything but his vengeance, his brother, his slaughtered clan.
.:.
There was a boy on his class named Naruto.
Sasuke didn't care about his peers. They had family, friends, school activities and other things he didn't have. They had a life.
Naruto didn't have a family, Sasuke noticed.
But the guy had a loud mouth, an annoying personality, and he simply just wouldn't quit bugging the people who obviously hated him and wanted him to disappear. It was like he was trying to make them recognize his existence. It was useless, and stupid.
At least Sasuke thought so.
Once or twice he would notice the guy all by himself, looking down. It wasn't surprising, since when Naruto stopped annoying the shit out of people, he got forgotten. But it was at those time Sasuke would discern the similarities between the other boy and himself. He would see the same empty look on that other boy, the look that seemed to say, "please stop this heart-wrenching pain inside my gut".
But then he would be repulsed by the idea of admitting that he had the same feelings. No. He didn't feel that way. He was stronger. He was an avenger. He had an ambition. He needed to do a lot of things, and the first one was to be stronger.
He didn't need any friend...
So he threw the idea away.
.:.
He knew some of his classmates muttered behind his back. He had become 'the Uchiha' wherever he went, and he had gotten used to that treatment.
"Hey, he's the last Uchiha!"
"...My mom said I shouldn't play with him."
"His brother is a merciless killer."
"Do you think that he's as weird as his brother?"
"They said that people with Uchiha blood have cursed power."
"He's really one weird guy. I don't understand what girls see in him."
"He never talks."
"He's just good-looking...he's not that good!"
"I don't want anything to do with him, he seems dangerous."
"He doesn't have mother and father, so my parents told me to stay away from him."
"He's a bad influence."
"See? He's giving me that look again! It's like I owe him a thousand dollars or something!"
"He always gets the highest grade. I think teachers like him better."
"He..."
"He..."
"The Uchiha..."
But there were times that he just wanted to cover his ears and run.
.:.
Now and then he would have a vivid dream like this:
"Sasuke, it's time for school."
A familiar voice woke him up from his slumber.
"Kāsan?" He muttered.
It was undoubtedly his mother's gentle voice. The voice that he secretly yearned for hearing every single day and night.
He got out of the bed, running downstairs.
Following the smell of delicious breakfast, he ran into the kitchen.
His mother was there, regarding him in her tender way. It was for real.
His father was there, too, sitting by the table and quietly sipping his tea.
He couldn't help but gape and grin.
And then he heard footsteps approaching, he turned to glance over his shoulder and saw—
Itachi.
His brother, dressing casually and not in his ANBU uniform. Itachi, a genius, an amiable elder brother, the pride of family.
"Ah, Sasuke, what are you doing? You'll be late for school," the elder boy showed little Sasuke a genuine smile.
Sasuke was about to answer, when a sharp noise broke the silence…
He sat up on his bed. It was 5:37 already.
His trembling hand sent the alarm clock flying across the room and landing on the floor, and the morning was silent once more.
He desperately tried to block out the remnants of the dream, but the images kept sliding back, crashing the carefully built up wall outside his heart. If the wall came down, his heart would surely bleed.
His heart would bleed because deep down inside he knew. He knew. He knew that the dream was nothing but what he truly wanted. He didn't want vengeance. He didn't want to hate his brother. He didn't want to be strong enough to kill his brother and avenge his family. He wanted Itachi. He wanted his big brother back. He wanted his family. He would give everything to have those things back, to make his illusion come true. He would trade his own life for his hidden dream. He wanted the old times...
But even he, an eight-year-old boy, knew that not even his life could make time revert.
He found himself choking up on tears, his knees buckling under him as he stumbled out of the bed. And once again he was surrounding by silence. A silence that was loud and penetrating, making him want to cover his ears and run…
Just run…
He knew that he couldn't run forever, but a moment of cowardice wouldn't hurt right? Nobody would know, not even his brother…
He sank to the floor and crawled into a ball, feeling small as ever. He remembered people saying that time would eventually heal your mental wounds. Well, his wound was still throbbing, he could pretend that it was healed, but then it would start hurting whenever he threw a fit like this. And it happened against his will. He wanted to forget about it, of course. All he wanted to remember was his plan of revenge, but…
It seemed as though there was no end of his sorrow.
.:. .:. .:.
He often wandered to the small lake where his father taught him the basic ninjutsu of Uchiha clan. Although his father had been a strict and humorless man, the rare father-and-son moments were no doubt Sasuke's most cherished memories.
He would sit on the dock and gaze into the calm water as if it could wash away all of his unwanted thoughts.
He saw himself as the water mirrored his image.
And then the image changed.
It wasn't his own face anymore, but his brother's. The beautiful, thick-lashed but cold, inscrutable eyes—the eyes that seemed to mock Sasuke's weakness. And those lips...the words 'my foolish little brother' were seemingly dancing on them.
Sasuke's mind went blank; all he could feel was the blinding anger which had become almost painful.
And the flashback of his family being killed, slashed to death plunged into his vision.
He opened his mouth and screamed.
But all he heard was his brother's frigid, inhuman voice.
He covered his ears, until he realized that it was useless.
And then he finally apprehend the truth—
The cold voice would never go away. It would always sounded as clear as if it was said beside his ears.
Some images would never fade. Every day they would remain as fresh.
The pain and wound in his heart would always bleed.
And hatred and anger would always be a part of him.
He would never be the same again.
He HAD to accept that now.
Because there wasn't a second way.
Breathing and still trembling, Uchiha Sasuke put down his hands, slowly clenching his fists.
He accepted it in silence.
And he dived into the lake.
Sinking, he swore to himself.
"I will find you. I will hunt you down.
And I will kill you...
I will."
(fin)
(1) korosu: japanese for kill.
A/N: I couldn't believe it took me four days to finish this. I must be very low on my imagination-chkra lol.
I always love Sasuke's back story. This little oneshot could be taken as a filler of it.
Reviews are loved. (Flames are not. Teachers and classmates have already given me a load of them...)
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. (Waving friendly at Sasuke fans here XD)
If you like it, I hope I'll see you guys soon (working on a post-canon SasuSaku story here!).
p.s. I manage to finish this on July 23th. XD. Swear it's a coincidence.