Walk Back Into Your Fate
For the first few days, Merlin just watched.
He couldn't possibly wrap his head around everything that had happened since Arthur had been given his first judgment by The Disir. It felt like a giant joke – his whole life felt like a giant joke. He couldn't possibly look at Arthur when he knew that he had been responsible for his fall; he couldn't look at Mordred knowing that he had meant to kill him.
Mordred, that annoying creature, seemed to know just what had happened; and he watched Merlin with pity and sadness in his eyes. It just made things worse that he didn't seem to judge him for telling Arthur to put Camelot above Mordred's life.
Arthur could tell something was wrong, and he kept on trying to get Merlin to talk, but it hurt too much. It had been his last chance of telling Arthur the truth about himself, and he hadn't done it – now he was doomed to sustain a lie for the rest of his life or betray the king he loved. No, it was a burden too heavy for him to carry.
On the third day he begun to dream about running away from Camelot and never looking back. He had failed at his destiny, so, what was the point of staying there; hurting his friends more and more as the days passed and his lies became bigger, bitter? And yet, where could he go? He couldn't face his mother after such a failure.
Merlin felt that he had betrayed his own people, and feared that as he scrubbed the floors and mucked the stables, another messenger was moving towards the castle, with his own runemark to seal his doom. No, not even his kin would take him now, not when they had set all their hopes and dreams on him and he had failed so spectacularly at it. The only person that could possibly accept him as Kilgharrah, after all…
At that point, something snapped inside Merlin. The thoughts came to him so quickly it was almost a whirlwind, he could barely apprehend all that came into place at once, and he felt even more like a fool.
Kilgharrah, telling him to kill an innocent boy.
Kilgharrah, telling him not to help Morgana.
Kilgharrah, telling him to go to the Isle of the Blessed without saying he'd find Nimueh.
Kilgharrah, again and again asking for Uther's blood.
Kilgharrah, tearing Camelot down with his flames.
Kilgharrah, unwilling to help him save a life, even if it was an enemy's life.
Kilgharrah, telling him of so many things that must happen, and yet, telling him that there were many paths in the future.
Kilgharrah, always ready with to give advice that never led to anything but bloodshed and loss.
He could barely hold his instincts, something in the core of him shook in anger, and he wondered if that was how Arthur felt as he found out that Morgana and Agravaine had been betraying him. Every bit of his being claimed for revenge and he wanted to run as fast as his legs would carry him and call the dragon to answer for his crimes.
He had told Gaius that he had grown up and learned the meaning of duty, but this was really growing up: finding out that there was no one in the world that should be given the decisions you out to make, understanding that in this world there was no such thing as someone who'd be a friend without some kind of personal gain in it. Merlin felt his heart break and break again, thinking of the things he had missed for listening too closely to Kilgharrah.
Morgana's fierce loyalty, turned sour and driven to madness and vengeance.
Mordred's offers of friendship, so open to understand and accept the limitations and the possibilities of being Emrys.
Arthur, Gwen, Gwaine, and so many others, whose relationship with Merlin had the acrid taste of the hidden truths.
His innocence, his childhood, his dreams.
All that had been lost somewhere in the past, when he allowed himself to be led, when he allowed himself to become a traitor, a murderer, a liar.
It took him all his self-control to wait until the castle was asleep to move to the forest, his lungs growing powerful as he called for his oldest friend and bitterest enemy.
Kilgharrah arrived just after he did, his large wings flapping and his face as guarded as ever.
"So, Young Warlock. You have summoned me."
Merlin swallowed before speaking, trying to gain control of his anger that seemed to burn even more as he faced the beast.
"The Disir have condemned Camelot" he said, evenly. "Arthur denied the power of the old religion, and Mordred lives."
Kilgharrah made a movement that looked suspiciously like shrugging.
"So they decided to use the boy as their tool to punish Arthur Pendragon."
"Yes" said Merlin, his face hard. "Arthur asked me what to do, before he denied them. He wanted to allow magic to come back to Camelot, he wondered… He asked my advice."
"The King trusts you."
"And I told him there was no place for magic in Camelot."
Kilgharrah seemed a bit surprised at this news, but Merlin didn't wait for him to speak.
"Do you know why? He was planning on trading the freedom of worshipping the old ways for Mordred's life; that was in the hands of the Disir. And I told him not to sacrifice everything for one man."
The dragon stared at the warlock for a while before saying anything.
"You thought that if he denied the Disir their wish they'd claim Mordred's life? That was a foolish. You have always known that the boy was destined to be Arthur's fall, so why would the Disir try to stop it?"
Merlin sneered.
"Yes, I realized that afterwards. Do you want to know why I did it?"
Kilgarrah's head turned slightly to the left, as he waited for Merlin to go on.
"Because you told me that if I had a chance to kill Mordred, I should size it."
Still, there was no reply. That made Merlin even more frustrated.
"You led me into this."
The dragon shook his head, denying it.
"Do not blame me for your own foolishness, Merlin, I…"
"I don't" the man interrupted, shaking. "I was a fool – yes. I know that know. This is not your fault. But what was foolish wasn't giving Arthur the advice that I truly believed to be the best at the moment, what was foolish was to have ever trusted your advice."
It gave Merlin a wicked pleasure to see the shock in the creature's features.
"You were never honest with me, and yet, I trusted you, time and time again" his voice rose. "I was a fool not to notice that your answer to everything is killing. You turned me into a murdered – you made me betray my friends."
"The druid boy was never your friend" the beast replied, and Merlin smirked.
"No, you saw to it. And also saw that Morgana was lost to all of us, and every single person that could have made me less lonely, less dependent on your advice. You even wished me to allow Gaius to die!"
Merlin's hollow laugh echoed through the trees, as he stared at Kilgharrah.
"I was so blind, I was such a fool. I should have followed my instincts the first time I said you'd never see me again."
"You needed me" said the dragon, his temper snapping. "You came for me, time and time again."
"BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FRIEND!" yelled Merlin in frustration. "You said we were kin – you said your allegiance was to me, you said…" he took a deep breath. "Nevermind."
There was a terrible silence for a while, before he started again.
"You failed me, Kilgharrah. You failed your lord."
"Do not presume to…" the beast begun, and Merlin didn't allow him to finish the sentence.
"Oh, but I do. I am a dragonlord, remember? You are bind to obey me. And I am bound to be the greatest sorcerer that Albion has ever seen – not that I'd believe it if you had been the only one to tell me that, but you weren't. The hopes and dreams off all my kind rest on my shoulders, and I betrayed them when I followed your advice."
"I will not…" tried Kilgharrah once more, but Merlin had listed too much for too long.
"You will stay here" he roared in dragonspeak. "And answer me truthfully. Did you set to make me fail?"
"It's not simple. I have always wished the best for you, but I seem to have misjudged you."
"Do you truly believe that Arthur will be the King that was foretold?"
"He may yet become such king" agreed Kilgharrah. "It all depends on the choices he's making now."
"May we still save Camelot?"
"The future can be swayed one way or the other by those with the power to do so" said the dragon, forcefully, "whether they are magical or not."
Merlin nodded, a tiny bit of relief spreading in his chest.
"You shall be careful, warlock" the man noted that for the first time he wasn't addressing him as a child. "Such things are not easily done."
"I will do as I see fit" said Merlin, haughtily. "And you, Kilgharrah, are dismissed. I shall no longer require your advice, but you're still bond to come when I summon and to obey me when I say. This is your doing, and your alone, that you shall be treated like a beast rather than kin, for you behaved as one."
It surprised him that the dragon didn't fly away as soon as he was done speaking. There was something soft in his eyes, a sort of pain that he had hardly ever seen before in his eyes.
"Merlin…" he begun, and then he spread his wings. "I hope you're successful in your destiny."
"I will be" said the warlock, for the first time in his life confident that he would be able to do all that was expected of him. There was nothing holding him back now.
Kilgharrah started to get ready to leave, and Merlin interrupted him with one last order.
"Stay away from Aithusa. She has been through enough without your terrible brand of caring."
That seemed to hurt the dragon far more than anything that he said before, and Merlin knew he had been cruel, but he didn't regret it. It was the price they both would have to pay for their mistakes.
The beast bowed, accepting the order for what it was, and flew away without saying anything else.
It was if a thousand pounds had been lifted from Merlin's shoulders, and he left straight away. There was much he had to do before he could right the wrongs he had committed under Kilgharrah's advice. First of all, he should go to Mordred and be honest with him – even ask for help. Then, they must seek the Disir and ask for a new chance, before telling Arthur all the truths he had been hiding for so long.
Maybe – just maybe – they could even save Aithusa.
It wasn't going to be easy – it was going to be painful, bloody and hard; but that was what he was meant to do his whole life, and for all of their sakes, he had to try with everything he had.
For the first time in days, Merlin could honestly smile.
The could feel in his bloods that he had moved back into his intended path, and the whole universe felt brighter and shinier, welcoming him with open arms as he truly embraced his destiny for the first time.
Now, Merlin was exactly what he was meant to be.