I will always turn the car around, a ncis fanfic

So I haven't wrote a story in a long time, but I've started small ones but nothing really became 'good' enough to put up. So, I was listening to a song called 'Shattered (Turn the Car around)' by OAR. I listened to the words and I don't know why but I decided to make a story to this song. Anyways, so the idea I had going was; our beloved Tony DiNozzo and Jeanne Benoit decided to stick together, Jeanne is going through stuff and is always picking small fights with Tony. Tony leaves, but he always comes back to her and is there for her. So the lyrics are in bold print and the rest of the story is…not bold Anyways, I hope you enjoy. Feedback would be nice.

I don't own N.C.I.S. at all, and I don't own the song or the band either. So, yup

In a way, I need a change;
From this burnout scene;
Another time, another town, another everything;
But it's always back to you;
Stumble out in the night;
From the pouring rain;
Made the block, sat and thought;
There's more I need;
It's always back to you;

"Was any of it real, Anthony?" the question lingered in the air and in my mind while I grabbed my car keys from the table. Once more turning around to see my girlfriend of almost two years sitting on our couch, her tears flowing down her cheeks like a waterfall.

"I'm sorry, Jeanne" I whispered quietly and her ocean blue eyes flickered my way.

"Was any of it real?" she asked once more and I grabbed my backpack that carried my spare clothes. I didn't respond to her as I walked towards our apartment door and I shut it gently behind me. I decided to take the stairs because that would've been faster than waiting for the elevator. You need to do this Tony, if you don't leave; it's going to end badly. Do this to protect her. You have a dangerous job and she found out the truth. She learned you're an N.C.I.S. agent, not a professor—this you will be protecting her.

I got into my car, and I got on the highway leading me out of Washington, D.C. and but after a three hours, I got off an exit and began to drive back towards D.C. I stopped a block away from the apartment, the rain pouring as I ran inside a local bar. I bought a bar and looked at my phone, my screen saver showed Jeanne and I smiling and I looked up at the bartender, put a $20 bill down and I walked back to my car. I drove to the apartment and I got out and looked towards our apartment window. The lights were off but I saw the candle lit in the window and I smiled jogging inside. This time I ran up the stairs to the third floor and I jogged to the apartment door. I knocked on the door and Jeanne answered it; her caramel brown hair in a ponytail, she wore my Ohio State hoodie and Ohio State sweatpants. I smiled kindly and wiped the tears that began to fall. I then wrapped my arms around her and lifted her off her feet gently; I kicked the door shut behind me as I pulled her into a big hug.

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

"I don't need this crap right now, Anthony—and I don't need you!" I stared at my

"Okay," I said turning my back on her. "I'll be good without you," I said bending down to pick up my backpack.

"Anthony," began Jeanne but I shook my head and closed the door behind me. I walked down the stairs and I walked out of the apartment and to my car. This was beginning to feel like a habit and I started it up. However, instead of hoping on the highway as usual, I began to go towards my surrogate father/boss' house; Leroy Jethro Gibbs. I drove listening to Frank Sinatra but unlike most of the time, I didn't sing to the songs that came on. I pulled up to the white house with blue trimming and I parked in the driveway, his car wasn't in the driveway so I sat on his doorsteps instead of going inside like I usually did.

How many times can I break till I shatter?;
Over the line can't define what I'm after;
I always turn the car around;
Give me a break let me make my own pattern;
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered;
I always turn the car around;

"I'm just so sick of arguing with her! She asks me these questions like 'do I love her' or 'is our love real?' or she just gets into these funks! I'm sick of arguing with her. I love her and she should know that!" I sighed feeling myself calm down and relax as I listened to Gibbs sand down his boat.

"Does she know that?" asked Gibbs and I blinked in surprise.

"What?" I asked.

"Does she know that you love her?" asked Gibbs.

"She should, I mean other than Wendy, she is the only girl I've lived with, she is the only girl that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—but she just starts these small fights and they escalate until we're both arguing," I replied. Gibbs continued to sand the boat. "I mean I don't think she realizes how hurtful it can be knowing she questions how I feel," I said as I stood to my feet. "She should get it though, I mean I always go back to her," I said slightly annoyed with myself.

"You think you're protecting her by leaving, you think you're protecting her by trying to keep her at arm's length—but sometimes, the best way to protect someone is by staying even if you feel like it's the wrong move, or not keeping that person at arm's length. When I first met Shannon, I thought I'd be protecting her by trying to keep her at arm's length, and as we got more serious—I tried to break up with her numerous times, just like what you're doing with Jeanne. Yet, I wasn't protecting her, I was hurting her and hurting myself. You have a dangerous job, I have a dangerous job, Jeanne knows that, Shannon knew that and they chose to stay. Jeanne chooses to stay, let her—even if you're afraid. Because love is about making sacrifices and even if you think you're doing the wrong thing—it may just be the right thing for her" said Gibbs and I stared at my boss in surprise, he had never talked like that and I smiled the smile that got me the job in the first place.

"You're right…I'm going to go back, I'll see you on Monday boss?" I asked.

"Yup, and Tony—if things don't work out tonight—I'm hoping that they will, but if they don't, you know where I live. I don't want to lose my SFA…" said Gibbs.

"Got it, dad" I added with a small smile and I jogged up the stairs and got in my car. I turned the car around and began to head towards home. I snuck a look at my phone, the screen saver now a picture of Jeanne and me making a funny face. I smiled to myself as I put my phone into the cup holder and I sighed as I got stuck in traffic. The small orange digits on my dashboard read 1:23 a.m. and I sighed frustrated—there was never traffic at this time of the morning, yet it was April and the rain was coming down hard which made people a bit more cautious.

I had no idea that the night;
Would take so damn long;
Took it out, on the street;
While the rain still falls;
Push me back to you;

"Jeanne, I'm sorry" Jeanne met my green eyes and looked towards the clock which read 2:10 a.m. I frowned as I realized that usually I'm back by midnight, no later than one.

"I'm sure," said Jeanne and with that she grabbed her purse and pushed past me. I followed her down the stairs repeatedly saying 'I'm sorry,' but she just continued walking and finally we were outside, the rain soaking us immediately. I grabbed her upper arm gently and turned her to face me.

"I love you, Jeanne Benoit, I'm crazy about you. I'm absolutely in love with you and I'm in love with the idea of you feeling the same way about me" I said and Jeanne met my eyes.

"I don't want this Tony, I can't keep doing this" said Jeanne.

"I am sorry Jeanne. We need to start talking things out instead of just assuming the other person can read minds. I love you, Jeanne. You are the one for me. I can't see myself with other girls, before I met you, I was Anthony Dominic DiNozzo; the SFA to Gibbs, the playboy, the goofball, I was the player who didn't care. Now that I've met you, I'm still the goofball, but I'm not a player—I care about what I do. I love you Jeanne, I really do," I said sincerely. Jeanne began to smile that smile that I adored and loved to see.

"I do love you," she whispered and with that, she began to kiss me in the rain. "Just don't come home that late again," she said before kissing me again. I wrapped my arms around her and led her inside our apartment with a smile knowing we had worked things out for tonight.

But I'm good without ya;
Yeah, I'm good without you;
Yeah, yeah, yeah;

"Just go!" I sighed frustrated.

"How many times are we going to have this fight, Jeanne? I'm sorry that your father wasn't the man you thought he was, I know it's been a year since he's been gone but you don't need to be angry at me, I wasn't the one who pulled the trigger!" I said.

"It may as well HAVE been you!" snapped Jeanne.

"Do you want me to go? Because I'm getting sick of leaving, I'm getting sick of this fighting! It's nonsense!" I said.

"JUST GO!" yelled Jeanne and I felt my anger break loose.

"FINE, DON'T EXPECT ME TO COME BACK!" I yelled my voice over powering hers as I turned my back to her, grabbed my keys from the table and making my way out of our apartment. I jogged down the stairs feeling my anger boil over the edge and I got in my car heading to my surrogate sister's/co-worker's apartment; Abigail Scuito knowing there was a chance my 'Probie' Timothy McGee was there.

"Tony…are you okay?" I sighed as I walked over the threshold. Abby wrapped her arms around me with a sad smile. "Another fight?" asked Abby though she knew the answer. I didn't respond as I hugged Abby back.

"I'm sick of fighting," I said finally as I pulled back.

"Hey Tony," greeted McGee coming out of the kitchen.

"Probie," I greeted and Abigail frowned slightly.

"Timmy…" she began and Tim smiled with understanding.

"Not a problem, I'll see you tomorrow—I'll see you Monday Tony, call me if you need anything," said Tim hugging Abby and patting my back in a brotherly way. I simply nodded and went to the kitchen to get a drink.

"She's in a funk because it's her dad's one year anniversary of his death—I understand her frustration, but I didn't pull the trigger," I said opening up a beer. I tossed Abby one and she opened up hers.

"Did it get really bad this time?" asked Abby and I nodded.

"I told her for the first time to not expect me to come back…I always turn the car around and come back, always," I said.

"That's because you're Anthony DiNozzo, the forgiving one even if you're not at fault" said Abby with a kind smile and I nodded sitting in a chair. "I'm going to order us take-out, okay?" asked Abby and I shrugged. Abby did just that and then led me to the living room and she put in the first James Bond movie.

"I just don't get it, I mean, I don't tell her I love her every day because I have issues with that, but my actions should show it" I said.

"Some people need to hear it daily, but Jeanne knew you've always had issues saying it" said Abby and I nodded leaning forward.

"I just don't understand why she always have to pick fights on the worst days…I try to keep my anger in check but she gets to the better of me. It's almost as if she wants us to fight," I said frustrated. "I wonder if she enjoys seeing me hurt?" I offered almost insecurely and Abby shook her head.

"I don't think so. I just think she's had really awful boyfriends and that she just needs to hear some stuff daily. Kind of like how I need a Caf-Pow daily, or though McGee may act like he hates it, he needs to hear you say Probie, Ziva needs to hear Gibbs say Ziver once a day and you need Gibbs to acknowledge you at least once a day, sometimes more. We all have these needs and when the other doesn't fill it, it's disappointing and we sometimes get moody about it—but Jeanne needs to be reminded she's loved because she has probably never been loved for the right reasons until she met you" said Abby.

"I'm a Senior Agent, I interrogate people, and arrest people, fight people, and yet being in this relationship is hard. I'm not saying it isn't worth it, it is—but is all of the pain worth it? Is feeling broken, or constantly feeling like I've been dropped? How many times can she 'drop me' until I shatter and don't come back?" I asked Abby. Abby however didn't answer me and we ate and watched another movie. As 11 p.m. came around Abby paused the current James Bond movie.

"How many times can she drop you or break you until you shatter? That's for you to decide, Gibbs, Ziva, Timmy, Ducky and I will always be here to piece you back together like you've done for us. How many times you decide to turn that car around and go back to the one you love? That's for you to decide, Gibbs, Ziva, Timmy, Ducky and I will always support you because we love you. However, I know that tonight? You'll be turning that car around and going back to the one you love? Why? Because you love she and you understand what it's like to lose a parent. You lost your mother, and your father disowned you, Tony…both of her parents are dead" said Abby.

"Abbs," I began.

"The reason this relationship is tough is because she isn't a criminal Tony, you aren't looking for her murderer, you know the boys that hurt her heart in the past, and Jeanne is like you, unpredictable. She's nice and loving, but just like you—she's unpredictable at times, and she's like you. She is selfless, she helps little children in the pediatric center Tony….you help people. Jeanne isn't hiding any secrets from you like all of your other relationships—that's what makes this so different" said Abby and I nodded.

"Now, I love you, we can have a sibling weekend soon—but tonight, right now, you're going to get in that car, and turn it around and go home because you love your girlfriend" said Abby and I smiled standing to my feet and hugging her. I went downstairs and I got in my car and I drove home. I parked the car and went inside. I walked up to the apartment door and like the other times, I knocked and Jeanne opened. I saw the candle lit in the window and I wrapped my arms around Jeanne without a word. She accepted the hug, the peace offering and pulled me inside the apartment with a smile and a few giggles. I closed the door with my foot and led us towards the couch so we could kiss.

Give it up, give it up, baby;
Give it up, give it up, now;
now;

"Just stop it, Jeanne" Jeanne fell silent as my over powered hers. "Just stop arguing with every statement I say. Just give it up, you're trying to get me angry, I understand that and I'm not okay with that. I'm not going to continue fighting with you. This is getting old, the constant questioning, the constant bickering—I'm getting pretty sick of it. It's been two and a half years since we've been dating, and I just want to stop the fighting. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, but whatever I'm doing wrong you have to tell me so I can stop, so we can stop fighting" I said. Jeanne remained quiet for a moment before clearing her throat.

"You're doing nothing wrong," she said and I barked a cold laugh and rolled my eyes.

"You're just picking a stupid fight again? Why?" I asked annoyed. I could see Jeanne looking at the ground in shame and I could see her debating what to say. "To hurt me? To make me feel like I'm a loser? Because it works, Jeanne. You're doing one heck of a job" I said rubbing my face to make sure that involuntary tears weren't making their way to my eyes, once more, Jeanne remained silent for a while.

"I want you to go…Tony…" said Jeanne and I nodded.

"Fine, just remember—you're the one telling me to go, I'm not the one who is saying 'leave', Jeanne. This is all you" I said making my way towards my keys. "You're the one who is picking a stupid, unnecessary fight, you're the one who makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and this is all your doing," I said grabbing my keys and walking towards the door. I walked down the steps and I went to my car and began the drive towards my other surrogate sister/co-worker's apartment; Ziva David. I pulled into a parking space and knocked on her apartment door.

How many times can I break till I shatter?;
Over the line can't define what I'm after;
I always turn the car around;
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking;
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting;
Always turn the car around;

"How do you do it, Ziva?" I stared at Ziva amazed. "How do you do it, Ziva?" I asked.

"Do what?" asked Ziva.

"What you do…when you were in that relationship with Michael—it was a continuous rollercoaster between you and him. How did you deal with it?" I asked.

"Well, I had a very good guy friend who became like a brother to me, he was there for me, always, no matter what time of day or night, despite his plans. So one day he sat down Michael and basically told him he had to get his act together or leave because he was sick of seeing this boy hurt me. Michael realized this 'brother' wasn't goofing around like usual and he straightened up…let me guess, Jeanne?" asked Ziva and I smiled.

"Am I that brother figure?" I asked with a wide smile and Ziva smiled guiltily.

"Possibly…it depends, would you be okay with that?" asked Ziva her smile fading slowly.

"Depends if I'm allowed to think of you as a sister," I said and Ziva's smile returned as she nodded.

"But let's talk about you, so Jeanne? Did she start picking a random fight again for no reason?" asked Ziva and my smile faded as I nodded.

"I don't understand it, Ziva," I said shrugging.

"You're trying to warp your brain around the situation?" asked Ziva seriously which caused me to laugh out loud as she got a confused look. "What?" she asked.

"Its wrap—not warp, the expression is 'Trying to wrap your mind around the situation', but yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to do and I can't" I said.

"Sometimes love is like that," replied Ziva.

"Maybe I don't like love," I contorted with a scoff.

"It's not about liking or disliking love, it's about what love stands for and sometimes it sucks. You love her and so you will constantly go back to her, no matter what she does. But, love is patient, love is kind, love can be fearful, love can be hurtful—yet, through all the ups and downers is what makes love, well love" said Ziva.

"Downs, Ziva—not downers, downs, but you're right. I'm just tired of it" I said.

"I know you are…love takes a troll on everyone at times" said Ziva. Once more I went to correct her but I decided against it. "I don't really know how to help you because Michael and I did not work out, I can however help you like how you helped me," said Ziva standing up and going into her kitchen. I followed behind and she began to get ingredients down and she slid a beer my way. I accepted the beer with a nod and began to drink.

"I just don't understand why she has to pick these fights," I admitted confused.

"Think of whom her father was, plus growing up was she often reminded that she was 'loved' and accepted?" asked Ziva.

"Not really, and I understand that she wasn't told that, but I wasn't either. Yet, I don't need to be told," I began.

"Because you know, you've had that beaten into you senseless by Gibbs, Ducky, myself, McGee and Abby. You aren't afraid to tell us that you love us as family, but you were on the team for four years before I joined and I was an outsider. You had such a hard time accepting me to let me have your six, yet in a heartbeat you had mine. After three years, you finally let me have your six—but you had only known Jeanne for six months before getting in a relationship and then you really fell for her. You tried to prevent it—and Wendy, she broke your heart…so you would be afraid to fall that hard again," said Ziva.

I stayed silent and ate the food and drank two beers. "How many times will I have to be broken until I shatter though, Ziva? Because I feel like I'm about to shatter, and I don't want to leave D.C. but if push came to shove—I may have to leave. Gibbs set up this system, and I'm happy that you guys are here for me instead of me leaving—but how many times?" I asked.

"In the Bible, it talks about Jesus forgiving 70 times 7. That's a lot, but the point is, you must always forgive, even if you or she break it off—forgive her. You don't have to like her, but do not hate her, and just move on" said Ziva and I nodded slowly.

"So…do you think tonight I should get in my car, turn around and go back?" I asked.

"That's exactly what I think you should do" said Ziva and I stood to my feet to hug her and kiss her forehead.

"Thank you my little Ninja" I said and Ziva smiled.

"Anytime Tony, you should know this by now" said Ziva and I walked out of the apartment and I began the drive back to mine. I saw the candle lit in the window and I smiled as I jogged into the apartment and up the stairs leading to my apartment. I knocked on the door and like always, Jeanne opened the door.

"I'm sorry," I said and Jeanne wrapped her arms around me and I lifted her up bridal style with a smile. I shut the door with a smile and I kissed her passionately before heading towards our bedroom. "I love you," I said, my voice deep.

"I love you too" said Jeanne with a smile.

How many times can I break till I shatter?;
Over the line can't define what I'm after;
I always turn the car around;

"We've been through this so many times, Jeanne!" I sighed annoyed. "Why is it so hard for you to go a day without being reminded that you're loved, Jeanne? It's honestly not that difficult!" I said even more annoyed than before.

"Just go, Anthony!" said Jeanne and I turned on my heel, grabbed my keys from the table and I left. I got in my car and started for the highway but I decided against it and headed towards the home of the man I'd like to think of as a surrogate grandfather named Doctor Donald 'Ducky' Mallard. I pulled up to the nice home and parked feeling frustrated and annoyed but I knew he could take my mind off of what was happening and even tell me a good story or two and make me laugh. I parked and got out of the car and went up to the door. I knocked and waited about two minutes before it opened.

"Anthony, my dear boy—are you alright?" asked Ducky looking at his watch.

"Hey Duck, I'm alright—I'm sorry, is this a bad time?" I asked. Ducky looked me over and shook his head.

"No, this is a great time, are you doing okay?" he asked allowing me to come in.

"I'm alright…just a stupid fight," I began and Ducky began to nod in understanding.

"What was it about this time?" asked Ducky.

"I asked her why it was hard for her to go a day without being told she was loved or cared about…I mean I know I shouldn't have, but it's always this stupid fight. I'm just tired of fighting with her and arguing with her. I don't want to shatter, Ducky—I really don't, but I'm close" I said and Ducky led me to the living room and I sat down as did he.

"As a boy, my parents would tell me that they loved me and cared for me all the time, yet my best friend, his parents did no such thing. I grew up hearing that all the time and I was taught how to show my love and not be afraid to say it. My best friend at the time did not know how to say it or show it. You were not taught how to say it or show it but being here with your 'surrogate family' Anthony, you were taught. Yet, that was within the family, not to someone you are in love with—Jeanne hasn't been taught either way" said Ducky.

I nodded understanding him but just wishing I wasn't in this situation. "I just want to make things better for her and me—you know, Duck?" I asked.

"I do, which is why I love the fact that you came to visit me, but…as you have said before, tonight, after you stay for a while, you're going to get in that car and turn it around" said Ducky.

"Here's the question I'm always asking, how many times do I turn that car around? How many times do I have to be broken before shattering?" I asked.

"Sometimes to be fixed properly, you have to be shattered," said Ducky leaning in his seat. "You have to make a choice Anthony, either you want her or you don't, you want to live with her or you don't, you go back to her or you don't, but no matter what you chose, it's on you, it'll be your decision" continued Ducky.

"How do I know what the right one is?" I asked.

"Let's use Jethro's expression, you will get a gut feeling—if it's good, then you know what you're doing is good despite what your mind is telling you, if it's bad, then you know what you're doing is bad. Listen to your heart and gut, not your mind" said Ducky and I nodded and enjoyed his company a while longer before standing up, hugging the man goodnight and going back to the apartment.

As I pulled up, the candle in the window was lit and I smiled as I jogged up the stairs. I knocked on the door like multiple times before and Jeanne opened the door and before I could say anything, she wrapped her arms around me for a hug. I smiled hugging her and pulling the door shut with my foot.

Don't wanna turn that car around;
I gotta turn this thing around;

"Take this!" I flinched as Jeanne threw the engagement ring on her finger at me. "What?" I asked as it hit me and fell to the ground.

"I don't want to do this anymore, Anthony. I can't do this anymore, you don't get it. I try so hard to be the fiancée you need me to be but I can't be that for you! I can't be what you need, and I just can't do this anymore" said Jeanne tears flowing down her face and I stared at the ring on the ground.

"Are you saying you don't want to be engaged anymore?" I asked.

"I'm saying I don't want to try, because all we ever do now is fight. I have problems just like you, you have issues saying you love and care for someone—I have problems. I need to be told I'm loved, I'm accepted, I'm cared about and that I'm doing fine. I need to be told those things and you can't do it for me…I just don't want to anymore," said Jeanne. I slowly nodded and I bit my bottom lip. "Leave, Anthony. Get out. I don't want to see you again" said Jeanne.

"Jeanne, I'm sick of this, okay? You need to know that I love you with everything but if you can't accept me with my problems and issues—and if you want me to leave, I will. But this time, I won't come back, you can't keep doing this? I can't keep doing this. I can't keep feeling like this, I can't keep thinking I'm not good enough for you. So, if you want me to leave, just say so and I will go—but if you want me to stay, tell me and I will…but I'm done playing your game. Do you want me to stay or leave?" I asked. Jeanne fell silent and I stared at her longingly while I held out the engagement ring to her.

"Leave," said Jeanne and I nodded. I put the ring on the table and grabbed my keys.

"Alright then…bye" I said and with that, I turned off my phone and left the apartment building. I got in my car and began to drive. I drove to Long Island, New York though that place didn't hold too many happy memories for me and I drove to the cemetery that my mother was buried in. I walked up to her headstone sighing as I sat on the grass in front of it.

"Hey mom…sorry I haven't visited in a while…it's been crazy," I said staring at the headstone. "So, I don't really know what to say except that I miss you a lot, mom…and that each day that goes by I wish you were here. I met a girl and fell in love but its hard to be with her because I'm not a pro at acknowledging my love and she has needs; she needs to be told she's loved, cared about and thought of—yet I can't really do that…" I said awkwardly as I looked around. "I love her, I think she's worth it, I just need to get over my fear…" I said with a short sigh. I stood up with a smile though as I realized I'd need to get in that car and turn it around.

I did just that and made the drive back to D.C. in no time. I looked up at the window and for once, the candle wasn't lit. I walked up the stairs feeling nervous and I arrived to our apartment door. I knocked the door and Jeanne opened it hesitantly, her eyes were red from crying and her face was tear-streaked and I stood there surprised I had caused such pain. I met her eyes which showed confusion. I believed I would be fine, would be good without Jeanne—but in fact, I'm not, I wasn't. I needed her and that meant that I needed to get past my problems of 'I love you' and remind her daily how important she is. I took a deep breath debating how to say what I needed to say when I decided to just say it.

"Jeanne…I love you, you know this, I'm in love with you and you also know this. You know that I have my own issues, and I have my own problems and I know you have your own issues and your own problems, but I love you for you. I love you for all your small insecurities and problems, and I know I should say it more. I know that—and I want to work on that. I want you to know daily how much I love you and care for you, how much I think about you and well…I'm sorry. I know the past eight months I've said that a lot, but it's true. I am sorry, and I never meant to hurt you…can we give this another try?" I asked feeling tears come to my eyes and Jeanne nodded.

I wrapped my arms around her lifting her up like always as she wrapped her arms around me and like tons of times before, I shut the door with my foot as I began to kiss her but for some reason, I felt like this would be the last time I'd do that knowing I would never leave. I would never let her go or leave her because she needs me as much as I need her and leaving won't fix it though I always turn the car around and go back.