A/N: Hey darlings. It has been so long since I have published something on this site. Oh gosh. This is my apology present and I promise to my readers I will update Break You Down and Burning Wings very very soon. I will explain the hiatus in those updates but for now, I present to you, Marry Me.
"Marry me."
Your voice is strong, a façade to hide the trembles shivering in the midst of your throat as your eyes trace her profile which has just frozen icily. Your hands are still, an illusion of calm to shield the thrumming heartbeat shaking erratically within your chest as blood rushes through your veins to provide that sweet oxygen that she seems to take away. Your brain is berating you, anxious for the answer that has yet to come as your heart rocks nervously on its heels, watching her intently. You're sure the only reason you haven't collapsed on the sofa from nervousness is because the adrenaline rushing inside of you is keeping you upright long enough to hear her answer. Your ears long for that affirmative response, the three letter word that will change your life.
But there is only silence.
Her body has stilled, so quiet you could almost say she was a statue. Her fingers, which were drumming a patterned beat upon your knees just seconds ago, have stiffened in mid-air, the absence of rhythm painfully obvious on your skin. You listen for the sound of her breath, so faint but barely there as she finally turns to look at you with wide eyes. Her mouth has fallen open slightly and you take in the sight of her raw beauty that still takes your breath away at the most unexpected of times. It can be harmful, like now when you're trying to stay calm and take deep breaths but her captivating irises suck all of the air and calm from your body like a vacuum coming closer and closer to destroying your perfect reality. You can't understand the emotions in her eyes as they flit by so fast your thoughts are swirling. You observe and you realize that this is probably the first and only time you will ever see Jade West speechless.
The quiet is heavy on your ears, the only muted interruption existing in the hum of the television in the background which had held the attention of both of you until the intruding thought had slipped through your barriers and tumbled out of your mouth. Your illusion is starting to tremble, the lack of response unsettling you to the depths of your stomach.
But suddenly her eyes flash with steel and her jaw hardens and your heart sinks along with your stomach because you both know what her answer will be and your eyes swim with salt and water because your world is about to end and you wish you could turn back time so she can't answer but she is and-
"No."
Your eyes are stinging as you shove your face into yet another pillow to soak it with your misery, a pile of others already set in the corner to dry. You know your appearance must be appalling, red smudged with heartbreak stamped all over your cheeks. Your back is aching, the hunched position you've refused to stretch out of for hours finally taking its toll on your bones as your muscles wince in discomfort with every movement. The box of tissues next to you stares at you disapprovingly as its companions litter the floor around you, decorating your apartment with the stench of pain and depression. Your hands are shaking slightly, clenched into fists as they grip the pillow tightly to prevent your broken sobs from escaping into the darkening air.
It's been three hours since you walked out of her apartment with head held high, biting back tears. It's been three hours since her eyes fell away from your gaze, staring determinedly at the floor as you paused for an explanation, received none, stood to your feet, and walked out the door. It's been three hours since your world fell apart.
She hasn't called. You thought she would but you were wrong. You think this is the end, the end of whatever you had between you for five years. You push back the memory of her lips against yours, the memory of her hands resting on your hips, the memory of her scent lingering on your skin. They leave a bitter taste in your mouth and try as you might, it refuses to go away. You glance at the phone resting on the table, the sight mocking you with its silence and refusal to engage in motion. A grunt of frustration leaves your lips and you lick them, the dried salt dancing on your taste buds as remnants of your continual misery. With a solid push, you manage to wobble onto your feet and stumble into the kitchen only to pull out a bottle of Jack to hold you over for dinner. Bon appétit.
The pounding of the door resonates with the drums reverberating in your forehead as you wake up. You groan as the creeping sunlight shines daggers onto your dilated pupils and you want to curl up underneath your sofa and never see the light of day again. You stretch your muscles, the ache that has settled in screeching as you try to relieve it with agonizing body movement. Curling back into a ball, you almost fall into a world of dreams again…. if it wasn't for the incessant knocking. Sighing, you push yourself off the floor you seemed to have made your bed last night and drag yourself to the door. Squinting, you pull it open, not bothering to check who the visitor is until you look up and see them staring right at you.
Your body freezes and you drink in her tired eyes smudged with eye liner, her raven hair crumpled and tangled, your baggy hoodie resting on her shoulders, and her emerald eyes focused angrily on you.
"What. The. Fuck?! I swear to God Vega I was about to knock down the fucking door to see if you were even alive! What were you even doing in there?!" She steps toward me and you automatically take a step back, surprising both of you as her eyebrow rises skeptically but she lets the action pass.
Her gaze settles on your appearance, which you're sure is a joy to see, and her nose wrinkles as your stench washes over her.
"Jesus, did you take a bath in whiskey? You reek." She steps into the apartment, noting the mess littering the floor. Her eyes scan over the tissues and smeared mascara on the pillows and her eyes soften. A lump forms in her throat and for a split second she struggles to speak. But she composes herself quickly and she looks over at you, her gaze focused.
"Come on Vega. Let's get you cleaned up."
You step out of the shower to find a stack of clean clothes resting atop your bed. Your mind is still numb from the morning and you had watched the grime swirl down the drain in the shower as the warm water beat dimples into your skin. You had managed to trace some soap along the contours of your body and now that you smell more like Tori Vega than Mr. Daniels, you feel a bit better. Picking up the clothes she has laid out for you, you notice she found her shirt that you sleep in every night you're away from her. You imagine her face as it would have looked like when she found it, a small grin turning of the corner of her lips as she holds up the garment to inspect it. You had stolen it from her last summer when the two of you had gone vacationing in Cabo. You remember the crystal shine of the water and the silky sand between your toes as you had cuddled into her all day at the beach and then lay out to gaze at the stars that night. Her hand fit in yours as you both used the other hand to point out constellations in the sky with her snarky remarks weaving through the conversation as it was sprinkled with peals of laughter and deepening kisses as well. You smile at the memory, holding the shirt closer to your nose and breathing in as the image of her chasing after you at the beach, tackling you, and tickling you until you cried appears behind closed eyelids.
But suddenly the memory from yesterday comes hurtling in and smashes into your thoughts, the splintering glass piercing your heart with shards of pain as the two letter word echoes in your brain. Without a sound, you pull on the clothes, dry your hair, and walk out the bedroom door.
She's making rice and beans. She's making your favorite thing in the world and you're angry. Oh, you're furious. You're furious because she can't just come in here and pretend like yesterday didn't happen because she said no and maybe if she had said yes she could make you rice and beans because rice and beans make you happy just like she makes you happy but she didn't say yes so she's not allowed to.
She sets the plate in front of you, the steam rolling off the food in swirls and you eye it, refusing to make eye contact with her. She sits across from you, her own plate just as hot and she's about to dig in when she realizes you haven't picked up your silverware. She pauses, her spoon halting before it dives into the rice.
"Tori. Eat."
You refuse to look at her, your eyes locked on the food as your cross your arms and lean back in your chair. You won't eat. Eating means she wins.
There's a clatter on the table as she puts down her fork.
"Tori. Eat."
There's a hint of irritation in her voice now, caused by the fact that you won't communicate with her, you won't argue, you won't listen. You're just silent and she can't stand that. You remember three months ago when she kicked Andre out of your apartment when he needed a place to stay for a while because Grandma Harris was being insane as usual and you were so mad at her that you refused to talk to her for 3 days. It nearly killed her. She tried all sorts of things to get you to talk to her and in the end, she apologized and brought you roses along with Andre who told you that she had let him stay at her place for the three days and had offered him a place to stay for as long as he liked. When you had smiled and let the words "thank you" slip out of your mouth, her grin broke out so wide and she had grabbed you and forced you into your bedroom where you barely came out for three days.
"Tori if you make me say it again I swear to fucking god. I didn't slave over a hot stove and go to the trouble of making you dinner so you could sit there like a fucking brat and not eat your damn food!"
She's angry now, her voice rising with every word. You nearly wince at the volume of her last words but you keep your face still and unresponsive. She's glaring at you, you can feel it, but you won't look, you won't look, you won't look-
Her chair falls to the ground as she stands up furiously (good, now she knows how you feel) and you feel her solid footsteps coming your way, each thud with a purpose, with anger, with frustration. The next thing you know she's next to you and she's forcefully turned your chair towards her and her long pale fingers are harshly grabbing your chin, forcing you to look up at her.
"What the fuck is your problem?"
You don't answer, continuing to stare into her angry glare as it sends fire your way. God she's so hot when she's angry….. No Tori not now.
"Are you going to sit there like a fucking idiot or are you going to answer me?"
The anger flares within you now and your crossed arms become a little tighter as you try to control the urge to speak, stay calm Tori don't say a word, stay calm-
"I came over here to see if you were okay, I cleaned up your fucking floor, I brought you fucking clothes so that you could be clean, I cooked you fucking dinner and you just sit there like the ungrateful selfish bitch-"
"I didn't ask you to!"
She stops abruptly, your voice echoing across the apartment as your chair clatters to the floor. You're standing now, your fists aching from the thud they had just landed on the dining table. Your heart is thudding in your chest, different from yesterday because yesterday you were scared but today, today you're just angry.
"I didn't ask you to do any of those things Jade. You are the one who came walking in here like nothing happened. You are the one who voluntarily did all of that. And I am the one wondering why the hell you're here Jade! Why are you here? You let me leave yesterday with no explanation of your answer. You are the one who didn't even have the decency to call me yesterday to see if I was okay. You are the one who said no! And right now, you are the one acting like a fucking coward!"
She flinches at your use of the curse word, the language foreign to your tongue. But you can't help it, you're just so freaking angry-
"What were these five years to you? A joke? A waste of time? Or was it another way to torture Tori Vega, the girl you hate? Was it even real at all? Do I even matter to you? Because I doubt I do if I don't even deserve a goddamn explanation as to why you said no!"
It is now her turn to be silent, her green eyes swimming with unshed tears. Normally that would make you stop because Jade West never cries but you're on a roll and you can't stop.
"You know, it's not even that you said no Jade. I could handle that. I could handle waiting if that's what you wanted. If you had said 'Tori, let's wait a couple of years' or 'Tori, I don't do marriage,' or something, we could have talked about it! But no Jade! You let me walk away. You made me believe that you don't care!"
"I do care." Her voice is strangled, faltering as she tries to hold back the misery from permeating her voice. "I said no because I do care Tori."
You stop at that, confused. "What's that supposed to mean?" you spit out, but with less venom.
"You don't want to marry me. I'll ruin your life."
Your anger dissipates instantly and your thoughts screech to a halt. What?
"If you marry me, you're stuck Tori. You can't get out even if you wanted to. At least now, if I do something stupid you can just break up with me and move on. But if we get married… you have to live with me miserably. I grew up in a home like that where my parents hated each other so much. But they didn't believe in divorce so they stayed together. They were miserable Tori, and they couldn't stop being miserable. I don't want you to ever feel that way. I want you to be able to have an escape route whenever you need it. Being stuck with me forever…. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Marrying me would be punishment Tor. I'd be a terrible mother, a terrible wife… I can't punish you like that. I love you too much."
Your jaw has dropped open slightly as you stare at the love of your life open mouthed. She refuses to meet your gaze, her eyes on the floor as tears start to stream down her cheeks. She's crying. Jade West is crying.
You snap out of your daze and step forward, taking her face between your hands. Her eyes have shut closed and the tears continue to fall quietly. Taking a deep breath, you lean forward and your lips touch the trail of saltwater as you erase the river of pain with spots of love. Her hands find their way to your hips and rest there as she burrows her face into your neck. Your hands travel behind her neck and you trace circles into the skin as you take in her insecurities, her doubts, and her honesty. Moving your lips close to her ear, you begin to speak.
"The fact that you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness to keep me happy eternally is why I want to marry you. You think about what will make me happy. You care for me enough to not marry me so that I won't be 'miserable'. But that's where you have it wrong Jade. I won't be miserable with you. I'd be miserable without you. You are the love of my life, no one else. You are the person I want to be married to, have kids with, wake up next to every morning. I want you. Even if we have arguments I will always come back to you. I will always travel back home to you. If you make mistakes I will forgive you. Because I am in love with you Jade. I need you in my life. I don't think I can live without you and I don't want to. It's not a punishment Jade… it's a blessing. Marry me Jade. Do me the honor of being my wife."
She's silent, her body still again. Her breathing is faster and her hands tighten around your waist. Your heart is beating faster again and you feel the anxiousness pumping through your blood.
When suddenly you feel a smile trace along your neck.
"Beg me."
You laugh then, your arms tightening around her neck.
"Please?"
She lets out a sigh, her smile curving into your skin.
"Well. If you insist."
She pulls back and chuckles, shooting you a crooked grin. Your smile is etched onto your face and your heart is racing.
"Should I call Cat to plan the wedding?"
She scoffs and raises an eyebrow.
"If you value your life, you will not pick up that phone. I am not having a My Little Pony themed reception."
"But you would look so cute in a pink gown."
"I swear Vega if you say that again I might rethink my answer."
"I'd just kiss you right here."
"Wha- Oh. Ahm. On second thought… I think I forgot something on your bed and I need you to come with me."
"What about rice and beans?!"
"Oh now you want to eat!"
"It's my favorite!"
"I thought I was your favorite!"
"You refused to marry me!"
"…. Shut up."
"So now I want my rice and beans."
Suddenly your lips are very occupied and you struggle against them because you really want that rice and beans but, oh there's her tongue, but you want rice and beans and- oh, right there – ah screw it.