A/N#1: This is a one-shot I decided to write because of the stress I've been under for at least a little while. I put how I'm feeling into Olivia I guess. I've never put my personality or what I'm feeling into a character before, but I'm honestly very satisfied with the result. I even feel a little bit better. Go figure. I think this won't be the last time I write something like this either. I hope you enjoy and if you can relate, I know how you feel. Life really sucks sometimes.
It was a very dificult case, but in the end justice prevailed. Cragen yawned and out of habit, observed his squadroom from the safety and comfort of his office. Munch and Fin were bickering as always over just WHO was the "pain in the ass" while Elliot chewed thoughtfully on his pen as he surveryed some files. Olivia had just exited the elevator looking tired and simply done. Done with what was the million dollar question. Unsettled, Cragen squinted his eyes to sharpen his view.
"You'd better have my coffee." Elliot says without even turning around.
"Shove it crybaby. It's at least 20 degrees out there and my hands are frozen." Olivia shoots back with a smile that is returned by her peers. She looks normal, but something is there, and it takes someone who's BEEN there to notice it.
Defeat.
"Detective Benson. My office please." Cragen hears himself say, and inhales a little to calm himself. Out of all the pep talks he's ever given, this one seems like it literally could mean life or death. For all he knew, it could be-for her. Olivia nods to acknowledge him, and makes her way into his office. Elliot is glaring, and Cragen glares back. His message is clear: Don't ask. Elliot scowls and returns to his paperwork. At least that's how he makes it look, but Cragen is not fooled. Really-he wasn't made Captain yesterday. Closing his door and shaking his head-what to DO with Elliot, he takes a seat in his chair. Olivia remains standing.
"Cap?" She ventures in confusion. It had been a rough day, but no harm done. Well Elliot had punched the defense attorney, but that was nothing new. Besides, he'd be the one called into the office if..."
"You're not in trouble detective. Please take a seat." Cragen murmored softly, gesturing towards an empty chair. Olivia slowly took her seat and stared at him expectantly.
Make my day, although I doubt you could....
"Olivia, I know things have been rough around here lately"
Tell me you understand, although I don't think you would.
"And I've noticed you've been looking more-tired than usual. Emotionally tired."
I'm falling 100mph yet I feel so free
"....Olivia?"
I'm just wondering who's on the ground to catch me
"You can talk to me you know. No matter what you say, it won't leave this office."
This mask I wear, so firmly attatched to my face
"...."
Is breaking into a million pieces and no type of embrace
"Olivia."
could heal the cracks that outline my soul
"Detective."
but what hurts the most is my wanting to be whole....
Olivia blinked. "I'm-I'm okay Don."
I laugh in you face daring you to see the truth
Cragen smiled sadly. "No you're not."
An unstable functioning person? I'm the proof
Olivia nodded. "I will be okay though."
Crying screaming praying for an end to "this"
Cragen sighed. Bases were loaded and he had two strikes.
Surpressing the urge to take something sharp to my wrists
"I see it in your eyes Olivia. I see a whole lot of something, and it's not the good type either."
And just what is IT that you can say
"...."
To make things bearable again, make them even a little okay?
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass Olivia. It's about dancing in the rain."
All I feel is nothing, unless it's rage
Live the life I've lived then we'll be on the same page
I hear the sincerity-I do hear you
but you've no idea the bullshit I've been through
And until a simple smile takes all of your strength
until breathing is all you have left
I can take no comfort in the words that you say
But I shall humor you...make my day.
Olivia met Cragen's curious strare. "Things have been...rather rough lately. I haven't been sleeping, can barely keep things down, just all around stress. BUT-I'm fine. Will be anyway. All I need is a good night's sleep really."
BULLSHIT. "Well that can be arranged. Take the next week and half off. Relax, eat enough to feed this entire department, and go shopping with Casey. You deserve it." Cragen offered, more so ordered with a smile. Inside he felt sick. Olivia smiled too. To Cragen it looked painful.
"Thank you Captain. I hear what you're trying to say. I'm glad you're looking out for me..."
I can through that superficial light in your eyes
You're dying inside
So many demons living inside your head
You swear the only time you'll get peace is when you're dead
You think I don't understand but oh sweetie I do...
It wasn't that long ago when I was you
It's really hard, but eventually you come to see
that even during the rain the sun is shining...
"Captain!" Cragen blinked.
"I'm sorry?" he responded. Olivia's face scrunched up in amusement.
"I said, am I free to go? I'm starving and I've got a pizza with my name on it at home."
Cragen nodded and Olivia stood up to leave. "Remember what I said Olivia. And if you ever need me-just call."
Life most of the time can be pretty ruthless
most help offered is completely useless
I'm not promising to make everything okay
I'm just giving you a reason to stay
"Will do Cap. Night." Olivia waved and exited his office. The entire situation felt wrong, and Cragen was at a loss as to what he should do. Outside his office, which was no longer warm, Olivia was saying her good night's to the boys. Elliot frowned and stared after her as she walked away, then switched his gaze to meet Cragen's eyes. For once in his life, Cragen wanted Elliot to care a little too much about his partner. He wanted Elliot to march after her and demand an explanation-spectators be damned. Elliot's gaze intensified, and Cragen found himself willing his detective to read his mind. Mentally checking himself, Elliot resumed his paperwork. Munch and Fin resumed arguing, and Cragen focused on Olivia as she waited for the elevator. She gave him a quick smile and stepped onboard, vanishing from his sight. Cragen wondered if he would ever see her enter his squadroom again.
A/N#2: The end. I actually really want to make this a two parter, but really, I have to finish up on my other stories too and adding another chapter to this would be insane I guess. I hit a small wall with "Ace" but I WILL be finishing the story. I have some new ideas I look forward to trying out. Quote me on that. "When Dean met Sam" and "Dude I wish I had ADD" WILL be finished also. "Not doing this anymore" is TBD, I might delete it and write a newer version of it. Thank you in advance to all my reviewers, and to those still on the look out for my name in the inbox for story alerts.:-) The poem IS mine, It actually was written as I was writing this story. It came out of nowhere...when I'm at my worst, creatively I cannot be stopped. And I love it.