AN: I have no idea how what was meant to be a simple parody spun out of control like this. It was the prompt. And it was also the prompt that made me think I should try my hand at slash. BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE PROMPT.

Post Deathly Hallows. Voldemort's finished, they're all back in Hogwarts to finish their seventh year properly. I've planned it to be roughly four chapters long.

Guess how I came up with the title?

Challenge link: ff. net/topic/44309/16008420/1/

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JKR, and is only allowed out to play with the plotbunny. Oh, and the population of New York City at large.

- CHAPTER ONE -

They were in a pickle.

Not literally.

Literally, they were in a forest.

Ron swore as he tripped over a root. Luna helped Ginny step over it. Behind them, Neville tripped over the same root.

The four stared at each other.

"So," Ginny brushed a fern out of her face, "Where are we?"

Luna shrugged, crouching to the floor and picking the mushrooms there. Ron scowled at everything – the trees, the moss, the rocks, the leaves, the trees... Neville bent down next to Luna. There was a fine mist in the air, making the humidity all that more unbearable.

"I think we're in a rainforest."

"Well, how did we get here?"

They all looked at each other again.

"Anyone?"

They were in a pickle.

Harry and Hermione were meant to meet up with Ron in the Great Hall, but the two had been late. Harry had left his wand in his other set of robes, and had to run back to the Tower to get it. Hermione was in the library, and... well, self explanatory.

But when the two had gotten to the Hall, Ron wasn't there. He couldn't possibly have run off without them, because there was still food on the table. Untouched.

They shared a worried look. "What really gets me," Harry said slowly, "Is that he isn't even on the Map." He had the aged parchment in his hands, running his finger along it, trying to find Ron's dot.

"What?" Hermione gasped. "How is that possible? Check everyone else. Maybe the Map's become faulty?"

"My dad would never do such shoddy work," Harry sniffed. "Look, you and I are here. The professors are in their staff rooms. Hey, Trelawney's in the Room of Requirement again... and all those Slytherins are huddled in their snake pit. Looks like they're having some sort of party."

"Malfoy's not with them?" Hermione asked, peering at the crowded dots.

"He's just gone to the toilet."

"What? The toilet's labeled?" She looked outraged. "That's an invasion of privacy!"

"It's not... Er. Forget it." Harry changed the topic. "Wait a minute, where's Ginny?"

Hermione followed his finger. "Didn't she say that Neville was going to give her and Luna some Herbology help? They should be in the greenhouse." Silence. "Wait, where's Luna?"

"Where's Neville?"

They stared at each other.

"Oh, bugger."

They were in a pickle.

Crabbe and Goyle were quickly running out of alcohol. They sat in their corner, looking forlornly at the empty bottles.

"Are you serious?" Draco looked at them. "Neither of you knows how to perform a refilling charm?"

"You do." Crabbe said helpfully.

"Yeah, I do," Draco drawled, "But you know me."

"We know you," they echoed.

"What do you want?" Goyle asked, trying not to look miserable. Who knew that doing their homework would help them get smashed? He brightened. "We'll help you do your homework!"

Draco snorted, pushing himself up with one arm. "I don't bloody think so. I like my marks. I'm surprised you're father isn't doing anything about yours."

"He is." Goyle said gloomily.

"He's not allowed any dessert until he does bring his grades up." Crabbe snickered.

Malfoy rolled his eyes. That's how they got their motivation? He rubbed his arm absentmindedly. "No. Homework won't do. I'm supplying you with alcohol, not handing out lollipops."

"Oh, stop being such a tight ass, Draco." Pansy leaned over and pointed her wand at the two boys' drinks. Malfoy grabbed her arm.

"Pansy, be a dear. Fuck off."

"Draco," she smiled sweetly. "Fuck you."

He patted her on the head. "Sweetie, you know that I'd rather not. But thanks for the offer."

She giggled (probably drunk), kissed him quickly on the cheek, and walked off. Crabbe and Goyle drank Pansy's kind gesture, while wondering how the two still managed to get along so well, speaking to each other like that.

"This is ridiculous!" Ron snapped. His knees had dark green patches, marks of his recent falls and tumbles. "Ginny, what are you doing?"

"Luna, can you climb this tree?" Ginny patted the trunk, taking her hand away quickly when the wet bark crumbled.

"Oh yes," she replied, "But it might take a while. You know rainforest canopies are rather thick and high up."

"Oh, no, I didn't," Ron said sarcastically. "It's not like I could've checked by looking up or anything."

Ginny turned to her brother. "You don't have to help, but you really do have to shut up."

"I'd listen to her." Luna said earnestly.

Neville dusted his pants off. "Um, Ron, you weren't even with us in the greenhouse. Why are you here?"

Ron blinked at them. "But I was at the greenhouse!"

They blinked back. "Why?"

"Harry and Hermione were taking ages to come eat, so I thought they might've sidetracked to get you guys to come join us." He said.

Neville sat down, but then slid down the moist rock. "What are we going to do?" he fretted. "I haven't passed my apparition test yet!"

"Don't worry. Ron hasn't either. None of us have." Ginny tried reassuring him. "At least we have Hermione working on our case. She's probably got it all figured out already."

"I have no idea where they might be!" Hermione cried. She threw her papers up in frustration. "How can four people just disappear like that?"

"Magic." Harry said helpfully. He was folding paper planes out of Hermione's papers, feeling all in all rather lazy and unwilling to spend the entire weekend stuffed into the library. It was Hogwarts. They'd all reappear someday and tell exciting tales of dungeons and dragons. And that wasn't anything new, was it?

"Thanks, Harry," Hermione snapped. She stole back her paper plane. Harry wriggled his wand around, and it flew out of her grasp again.

"Maybe we should go to McGonagall?" Harry suggested brightly. The Headmistress would sort this all out fairly quickly, he was sure of it.

"No! Harry, how can you still be so dependant?" Hermione griped. "You're so lazy sometimes."

Harry lounged back. "Hermione!" He complained. "We've just spent the entire week in the library! Can we please not spend the weekend doing the same thing?"

"What do you propose then? Just wait until they show up again?"

He hadn't thought it was that bad an idea at first, but listening to her scathing interpretation of his formerly brilliant idea made it seem not so brilliant anymore. Then he came up with an idea.

"Hey! What if it's just a trick?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if it's just some Slytherins, playing a nasty trick on Ron and Neville, and Ginny and Luna just happened to get caught up in it?" he looked excited at the idea.

Hermione frowned. "It's possible, but why would they target them? Not you or me?"

Harry waved it off. "We're harder to target, I dunno."

"Even if it is them," Hermione continued to reason, "Why would they?"

After the events of the past year, rivalries within the school had settled down quite a lot. Everyone was still subdued by what differences and prejudice had done to the wizarding world, and Hogwarts had been changed. Inter-house relationships strengthened immensely, and tensions between them lessened. The most noticeable change was probably that of Slytherin and Gryffindor. The two houses could now not only been seen helping each other in the library, but also relaxing out on the grounds together. Certainly, there was a whole lot more problems between the two to figure out than that with Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, but the changes were drastic.

"What are you planning to do?" she continued. "Go to McGonagall and say the Slytherin's have abducted four students?"

"No," Harry said impatiently, "I'm going to sneak into the Slytherin common room and eavesdrop, maybe interrogate some of them."

She raised an eyebrow. "How exactly does that achieve besides getting five students abducted?"

"It's a great plan!" Harry objected. "In fact, I'll go now. You stay here, or go back to our common room if it gets too late and I'll report back later. You can't come," he added as Hermione opened her mouth, "Because I need to know that someone will report me if I do go missing."

Hermione bit her lip. "Okay, I'll wait for you in the common room."

But Harry had already disappeared around the bookshelf, and she could hear his footsteps picking up to a run.

"No running in the library!" Madame Pince screeched at him.

Hermione started packing up her books. Then she paused. How was Harry planning to get into the common room?

The music slowly died down, the room slowly emptied. The more sensible people retired first, then the tipsy ones, then people started leaving two or three at a time because they needed help walking across the room. Some didn't leave at all, passing out where their last drinks had taken them down. Malfoy wrinkled his nose. Lightweights.

Pansy waved at them before she left, and Draco lifted his drink up in acknowledgement. Goyle had fallen asleep, and was snoring loudly on Crabbe's shoulder. Crabbe seemed to be the heavier drinker of the two, though not by much, his head nodding drunkenly like a bobble toy.

"Y'know, Draco," he murmured sleepily. "I've been thinking."

This should be interesting, Draco mused. He tilted his head at his crumpled form.

"What did Pansy mean, you know, before?"

"Crabbe, speak up or go to sleep. I can't tell if you're sleep talking or not." The drink was giving him a patience he rarely possessed when lucid.

The boy cleared his throat. "Before, when you told Pansy to... well, you said you'd rather not. What's that mean?"

Draco suppressed a laugh. "What do you think it means?"

"Well, I thought maybe you didn't want to go away, because you were here first so Pansy should be the one to leave."

For a while, he could only stare. The new level of stupidity that had just been revealed to him was... mind boggling. "Crabbe." Draco enunciated slowly, "It means that I am now rather gay, and Pansy, being not male, does not meet my new requirements for a partner in sex."

There was a silence. Draco waited a while for him to gather his marbles. But he seemed to be having a little trouble. He had started gaping, like a fish.

"Joke?" Draco offered. The poor boy's addled brains didn't seem to be working very well.

Crabbe seized it. He laughed, weak with relief. "Oh my God, I thought you were gay!"

"Oh, sometimes I wish I were gay." Draco muttered. He couldn't believe this.

They both laughed. But the ensuing silence was a shade of awkward that made the former uncomfortable.

Crabbe hesitated. "…You were kidding, right?"

Now, usually, Draco would open his mouth to lie, since the latter seemed to be so uncomfortably uncomfortable about the whole thing. Instead, he just grinned, staring him lazily as he lounged over the couch. The other boy turned a funny colour.

"You are gay!" He gasped.

It was getting late. Around eleven, to be exact. Still no sign of Ron, Ginny, Luna or Neville, and Harry was still in the Slytherin common room.

Hermione had returned from the library quite a while ago, and had since been pacing a line across the common room. But she saw that she was wasting for too much energy doing that, so she sat down instead, with a good book. But she soon discarded it, settling with just nestling deeper into the couch and staring at the fire. Crookshanks butted her hand, and she picked the ginger cat up.

Something was niggling at her mind. Something... she couldn't quite grab. Something that might change a lot of things and yet perhaps if she had better perspective wouldn't change anything at all?

She growled. Crookshanks looked up, looking affronted at the noise. She scratched his ears absentmindedly, still trying to hold onto that thought.

It was something about Harry. Or surrounding him. And the toilet.

Crookshanks prodded Hermione's hand when she stopped scratching, yowling indignantly when he found that she had fallen asleep on the couch.

"Why do I think that you're having a problem with that?" he demanded.

Crabbe squirmed uncomfortably. "I don't! I really don't." he lied.

Trying to hide his widening grin, Draco drew himself over the couch, somehow making the transition of sliding over the armrest end smoothly. "What?" He breathed, "Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you think that I imagine undressing you when we're alone? Like right now?"

The colour became more pronounced. It looked green. But then the light would shift, and he would go yellow. "Er, no." he burbled.

"Hey, that's right! Since you know about me now, and we are alone, let's act out my fantasy. And it wouldn't be gay because we wouldn't tell anyone!" Draco continued happily.

He was definitely green. "No!"

"But it's my birthday!" He protested, drawing a hand over his chest.

"No, it isn't!" Crabbe shot out of the chair, and raced to the door. "I'm sorry, Draco!" He cried as he fled, "But I just wanted to be friends!"

Draco collapsed, cackling madly. That blubbering idiot really thought that he'd sink low enough to want to shag him? What a joke. Though his expression had been priceless. Completely worth it… A strange noise caught his attention. Snapping his head around, Draco scanned the room. There. One of the drapes was fluttering about. Draco drew his wand, and aimed carefully. Amazingly, and despite the copious amount of alcohol he had just consumed, it held rather steady.

"Petrificus totalus." He whispered.

There was a muffled humph sound, before someone fell to the floor. Draco climbed over the back of the couch, his eyes widening as he identified the intruder.

"What's this?" He was delighted. "How long have you been there?"

His prisoner didn't reply. Couldn't.

"Oh. Sorry. Finite incantatum."

"Now that's just mean." Harry wriggled his fingers, getting the feeling back in them.

Draco waggled his wand at him. "Never sneak up on a Slytherin like that. Especially when they have your wand." He produced the holly wand from behind his back. Like magic.

Harry stared at him suspiciously, as if weighing the chances that he would use it against him. He was drunk, after all.

"Pretty," the Slytherin crooned.

"Give it back," Harry said warily.

Draco rolled his eyes up to look at him. "Or what?"

"God, I'm tired." Ron moaned.

"Do you want me to punch you in the head or something?" Ginny offered.

"Stop being so snippy, I'm just saying I'm tired." He complained.

"Well, you can walk with us, or you can just lie down and die." She snapped back.

He crashed loudly through the underbrush, breaking and plowing through everything in his path. Anything too thick for him to plow through, he tripped over. Neville wasn't any more graceful, though he was making an effort to not step on anything he didn't have to. Luna flitted ahead like a wood nymph on crack. She'd appear every now and again, so suddenly Neville would jump every time she reappeared.

"Can't we just stop for a little while?" Ron persisted.

"Fine, fine. Sit here, shut up. I'm going over there to see how much farther we have to walk."

They sat, and a rather disturbing silence settled over them. Luna flashed back, and Neville jumped. Then, even though they had done as he asked, Ron started complaining again.

"Now we have to think about something to talk about."

"If I have a little girl, I want her to either have the highest moral standards or be ugly as hell." Luna said promptly.

Ron looked like he was about to call her Loony. "Where the hell did that come from?"

She shrugged happily. "You wanted something to talk about, I had something I wanted to get out."

He rolled his eyes. "You're going to be a horrible mother. I can just see it."

"I think Hermione's going to be a bad mother." Luna mused.

Neville looked horrified at their conversation. She patted his knee. "Oh, not like that. I mean that she might have some conflicts of interest with them. During the adolescent stage, mostly."

Ron snorted. "I know exactly what you mean! On her kid's eighteenth birthday, she'd throw them a party at the library, make them watch documentaries and sip mineral water. Welcome to the library, where your wildest dreams come true!"

"Mother from hell." Luna agreed.

"The very depths of it." Ron toasted her, holding an imaginary wine glass.

Luna made a drinking action. Ron stared. She sighed happily. "Terrible impersonation though."