Notes: I now know that I'm not the only JavaJunkie who doesn't like the Mimi scene. Granted, the actors hit it out of the park, as usual, and I know you can make the argument that everything Lorelai said was meant in a different way, but the fact remains, she only went into the diner to whine about the sad state of her love life. To Luke. Who stands there and listens to her moan about boyfriends always leaving her. If I was Luke, I would have given her the boot, not a doughnut. But hey, that's what fanfic is all about, right? Being able to fix what irritates you! Please note that I've used a little bit of the dialog from the show and possibly stretched out the timeline, but most importantly I've made myself (and apparently my always aces beta, Eledgy) happy.
(And don't fret, those of you still following A Wedding in the Hollow. I'll get that finished up directly. This one-shot was just a little diversion.)
The baby started to fuss, loud enough to wake Lorelai.
"Luuuuke," she whined sleepily. She moved her leg onto his side of the bed, exploring, hoping to connect with his bare calf. "You promised you'd get up with her this time."
Secretly, Lorelai didn't mind getting up to care for their baby daughter. Katie was a Johnson & Johnson-scented bundle of unconditional love, and holding her at any time – even at 3 AM – filled Lorelai with a bliss she hadn't dared hope she'd experience again. Untold hours during the past few weeks had disappeared while she'd held her, studying her angelic little face, trying to pick out which features came from Danes DNA and which had been gifted from the Gilmore genes.
Another whimper came from the nursery, more insistent this time.
"Luke," Lorelai said again. Even if she didn't really mind getting up for baby duty, Luke had sworn he'd get up for the next feeding, allowing her to sleep in, and a promise was a promise. Sleep was still needed to make her pretty. She flung her arm out, expecting to feel his chest, but there was nothing beside her except empty bed.
"Luke?" She struggled up onto her elbows, squinting over at his side. Had Katie slept late enough that he had already left for the diner?
The second that Lorelai opened her eyes, the beautifully crafted world of her dream went pffht. She knew immediately that there was no soft and cuddly baby girl down the hall; no partially-clothed doting husband sharing her bed.
"Damn it," Lorelai muttered, putting an arm over her eyes. "Not again."
Lorelai was running late. No surprise – she'd been late every morning this week. Being rudely yanked from a vivid dream in the pre-dawn hours ensured that the rest of the day was predisposed towards failure. The jarring re-acquaintance with reality after the soothing, happy lie of the dream guaranteed ample tossing and turning. No matter how hard she tried to forget the fantasy, to ignore the not-so-hidden-meaning behind it and convince herself to go back to sleep, slumber never returned until 15 minutes before she was supposed to get up. She'd snooze through multiple alarms and finally drag herself out of bed at the last possible moment, disoriented and cranky, with barely enough time to hop in the shower and dress – forget about doing anything creative with her hair and makeup.
She leaned against the counter in the kitchen, tugging on her shoes. Did she have time for anything even remotely breakfast-like? Coffee, at least? If she took the time to make a pot, she might as well eat something too, while waiting on it to brew.
Damn. She stared at the bag of coffee in her hands. She hadn't gotten to the store yet to get decaf. If Luke knew she was still drinking the full strength stuff, he'd kill –
"Arrgh! Gilmore!" she berated herself. "You're not pregnant! Get it through your head!" In frustration she flung the innocent bag of coffee to the counter, grabbed her purse, and stormed out of the house.
The kitchen at the Independence Inn was always filled with gastronomic wonders. One definite perk of Lorelai's job was being able to pick and choose whatever she wanted to eat from Sookie's daily creations.
But sometimes what she really wanted was a stack of plain pancakes minus the peach/mango sauce. Sometimes she wanted waffles without caramelized walnuts artfully scattered on the top. In her opinion, scrambled eggs didn't need an herb garden hidden in amongst the fluffy yellow curds. Sometimes she just wanted food, not art.
When Lorelai's growling stomach could no longer be pacified with the few stray pillow mints she'd found at the front desk, she ventured into the kitchen. For once Sookie wasn't hovering, so Lorelai was free to poke through the goodies without executive input. She grabbed a drink while debating what she was truly hungry for and soon decided a slice of fresh bread spread with whipped honey butter was just the thing.
"Hey, sweetpea," Sookie greeted her, popping up just as Lorelai took her first bite of the bread. "How are you doing today?"
Lorelai nodded, unable to respond immediately, what with the massive amount of sweetened bread in her mouth. "Great. How about you?" she said after swallowing.
"Me? Super," Sookie replied, sounding distracted. "Listen, Lorelai, could we maybe get out of here for a little bit? Go do some talking?"
"What about?" Lorelai took her second bite, savoring the perfect texture of the bread mixed with the butter and honey.
"Just some…things. You know," Sookie said, giving her a pointed look.
"Go for it," Lorelai encouraged her, missing the look.
"Not here," Sookie said, dropping her voice. She looked back over her shoulder. "Probably best not to discuss it here."
The somber note in Sookie's voice got Lorelai's attention. She put down the bread and put a hand on her pal's elbow. "Oh no, Sookie – is everything all right with you and Jackson?"
"Of course it is!"
Relief broke over Lorelai. "OK, good. Don't scare me like that." She picked the bread back up.
"Why would you jump to the conclusion that Jackson and I are having problems?"
"Because you looked so serious, like you did the year the asparagus crop tanked. I couldn't think of anything else that could make you look so freaked."
"Well, it has nothing to do with vegetables. Or Jackson. Or me. Or at least, only marginally with me, because anything happening to my best friend would of course concern me, too."
Lorelai chuckled. "There's something going on with your best friend? What, exactly?" She grinned at Sookie, then bit into the bread again.
"I don't know." Sookie looked at her solemnly. "That's what I'm hoping she'll tell me."
Lorelai shrugged. "Nothing's going on with me. Well, nothing new, anyway. Still missing my kid, still battling my parents. Still striking out in the love department. And in other developments, I didn't win the lottery, either, although I did get a two-for-one coupon from the pizza place in Woodbury yesterday, so you know, that's something."
"Lorelai." Sookie looked at her with profound compassion.
"Sookie, what? What is it you think I need to tell you?" Lorelai was running out of patience.
Again, Sookie glanced around the room at the other workers. "Let's go outside."
"I don't have time for some long heart-to-heart. I need to get back to the desk before Michel blows…whatever the French word for 'gasket' is. So whatever you think I know that's got you all spooked, just ask me about it. I have no secrets. At least, not from you." Lorelai managed a slight smile before popping the last of the bread into her mouth.
Sookie looked grimly determined. "Sweetie, are you…?" She vaguely fluttered her hands about. "I mean, you'd tell me if you were, right?"
"Am I…what? A cruise boat captain? Secretly hooking up with Brad Pitt? Sookie, if I had any clue at all about what you were trying to get at, I'd give you an answer!" Lorelai said in exasperation.
"OK." Sookie blew out a breath, then leaned closer to Lorelai. "Are you pregnant?"
"What?!" Lorelai had been lounging against a work table, but the shock of that question brought her straight up. "Why in the world would you even ask me that?" she hissed at Sookie, horrified.
"Are you?" Sookie pressed on.
"Of course not!"
"You're sure?"
"Yes! I'm sure!" She sat her drink down on the table, then grabbed Sookie's arm, leading her into a more secretive huddle in an out-of-the-way corner of the kitchen. "What made you even think that?"
"Well, there have been signs."
"Signs? What signs? I've given no signs because there are no signs to give!"
Sookie pointed over towards the table, to the glass Lorelai had left there.
Lorelai looked over to where Sookie was pointing. "Orange juice? Orange juice is a sign? Guess I missed that day in sex ed."
"It is when I've found you in the kitchen, drinking orange juice three days in a row. I don't think I've seen you with a coffee cup in a week."
"I…You…" Lorelai shook her head, not sure what to refute first. "My throat's been scratchy. I thought extra vitamin C couldn't hurt."
"And then the shoes."
Lorelai looked down at her feet. "My shoes?"
"Yeah, you've been wearing sensible shoes."
"Hey, ballet flats are in! Renee Zellweger's been wearing them!"
Sookie didn't look convinced. "And…there's that." She nodded at Lorelai's middle.
"What?" Lorelai looked down, starting to feel angry instead of just annoyed. "Now you're telling me I look fat?"
"No, of course not. It's just…Well, your hand."
"My hand?" Frustrated, Lorelai looked down her body again, but this time she noticed that her right hand was protectively curved over her flat stomach, as if there was indeed something there worth protecting. Instantly she snatched it away.
"You've been like that for days," Sookie told her gently. "Every time I've seen you, that's what you've been doing."
"I'm not –!" Lorelai began to say, indignantly, before she saw that some of the kitchen workers were beginning to take notice of their conversation. She took Sookie's arm, nodded towards the door, and hustled them both outside.
"I'm not pregnant!" she forcefully declared, once they were out of earshot of the building. She took a breath, tried to get back in control of her emotions. "For one thing, in order to be pregnant, I would have had to have sex. As far as I know, that's still the way it works."
Sookie appeared doubtful. "Well, you had your thing with Christopher."
"Fine. Let me amend my previous statement. In order for me to be pregnant now, I would have had to have sex within the last 28 days."
"And you're sure?"
"Sookie! God!" Lorelai clenched her hands into fists. "Look, the decision to sleep with Chris might have been spontaneous, but the actual sex was not. We were careful, OK? That's one lesson we did learn."
Sookie still seemed unconvinced. She searched Lorelai's face again, then shook her head. "Please believe that I'm not trying to make you mad, Lorelai. There's just something about you right now. You seem…vulnerable, somehow. And when I heard the rumors, I thought, well, maybe, you know?"
"Rumors?"
"Well, Patty said –"
"Oh, God." Lorelai collapsed down onto a bench, hiding her face behind her hands. "Kill me now."
"She saw you looking at baby things the other day –"
Lorelai groaned again. She knew exactly when Patty saw her. "It was not a big deal, OK? The Twisted Skein had this adorable display in their window, full of knitted baby blankets and hats, and it was the day after the dream about the twins, so I stopped to look at it. All of the pink and blue cuteness drew me in. That's all."
"Twins?" Sookie crinkled up her forehead, trying to figure that out.
"Yeah, I…" Lorelai immediately saw that she'd opened herself up to more scrutiny. "I had a dream, where I was pregnant with twins. Just one of those crazy, impossible things your unconscious drops on you occasionally. Don't worry, though, I called Rory and told her all about it, she analyzed it a little bit too perfectly, and it's all been put to bed now." She winked at Sookie, hoping to distract her. "Put to bed, get it?"
Still confused, Sookie joined her on the bench. "But what has that got to do with the hand and the stomach and the orange juice?"
"Aww, man," Lorelai muttered, seeing she wasn't going to be able to easily extricate herself from Sookie's curiosity. "OK, the truth is, the twins started it, but there have been other dreams. It's been sort of a nightly thing. For…well, a while now. And I guess all of that dreaming about being pregnant has managed to infiltrate my awake world, too. I seem to be having a little trouble…separating what's real and what's not right now."
Sookie was shaking her head, still not completely getting it. "You're dreaming you're pregnant?"
Lorelai nodded. "Yeah. Well – not always pregnant. Sometimes the baby's already born, but most times, yeah, pregnant."
"So your theory is that your awake body believes it's your asleep body? Because here in real life there's no bun in the oven, right?"
"That's my guess, because I am 100%, absolutely bun-free."
Sookie stared at her for a moment, still processing. "Those dreams sound stressful."
"No, not at all. They've been fun, mostly." Lorelai started to smile. "That first one, with the twins? Ha! That one was great, really funny!" She chuckled a little bit, remembering. "Luke set about two dozen alarm clocks in my room to get me up in the morning, which was actually sort of a genius move, when you think about it. And then when I came down to the kitchen, he'd hidden my coffee, because he didn't want the babies to have two heads!"
"You mean Christopher."
Ready to continue on with the story, Lorelai pulled up short at the interruption. "What?"
"You said Luke," Sookie said, chuckling at her mistake. "But you meant Christopher, right?"
Lie, Lorelai told herself. Just lie. Don't make this any more complicated. But she knew she'd never get away with it, not with Sookie.
"Lorelai?"
She crossed her arms and looked out over the lawn to the pond, wishing they were sitting in a swing instead of on a bench. Being able to push a swing back and forth with her foot would have given her something to do right now, instead of waiting for Sookie to nail her.
"Lorelai, are you saying that Luke's your baby daddy?"
She sighed.
"In every dream, it's Luke?"
"Um…yeah," she awkwardly admitted.
"And you don't think that might be significant?"
Lorelai tried to take on a careless attitude, as if it all didn't matter. "According to Rory, it's because we've been fighting and I miss the diner."
Sookie's face took on that all-knowing expression. "You miss Luke."
"Sure," Lorelai said airily, waving a hand around. "Luke, his diner, his coffee – it's jumbled together in one big ball of loss, and sure, I miss it all."
"Uh huh." Sookie looked at her sadly. "And what are you going to do about that?"
"What can I do? I've apologized a million times. Until he decides to stop being mad, what are my options, exactly?"
"Probably not much," Sookie reluctantly agreed. "Luke is plenty stubborn." She cast a glance at her companion. "Like someone else I know."
Lorelai snorted. "Compared to him, I'm Miss Flexibility."
"Well, that's debatable. Do you think you can get the dreams to stop somehow?"
Lorelai shrugged. "Rory comes home soon. I figure when she's around and I'm not left alone with my subconscious all night, they'll disappear on their own."
"Hmm, maybe." Sookie suddenly turned her face towards the Inn, sniffing as if she could smell something burning. She jumped to her feet, anxious to get back inside. "But you're going to cool it with the fake pregnancy symptoms, right?"
"God, I hope so." Lorelai got up and started walking with Sookie. "Kind of hard to cool something you don't even realize you're doing."
"Maybe we could work out some signals. If I see you doing something, I could tug on my ear."
"Great." Lorelai put her arm around Sookie as they walked up the steps to the kitchen door. "Then everyone will think I'm pregnant and you've got an ear infection."
"I can't cook if I've got an ear infection," Sookie protested. "I get off balance and then the pots and knives and things…it's not good."
"Don't worry, hon. We'll figure it out," Lorelai assured her, holding open the door. And she really hoped that was true.
"Ow!" In her rush to get all of the candles lit, Lorelai burned her finger. She waved the singed digit in the air, trying to fan the hurt away, and gave a final assessment to the room now dressed for a celebration. She heard footsteps coming down the stairs so she tossed the book of matches onto the desk, then rushed to the foot of the stairs, where she tried to stand in an alluring pose.
"What's going on?" Luke stopped abruptly on the next to last step, his attention caught by the mass of flickering candles in the living room. He quit trying to button the cuff on his dress shirt and looked at her instead. "I thought we were going out."
"We still can, if you want to later." Lorelai took his arm and encouraged him to come the rest of the way down the stairs, then to follow her to the couch. "But first, I wanted to have a little celebration with you."
"What's there to celebrate?" He was still looking all around the room, his face puzzled.
She held a small white box out to him, wrapped in a plaid ribbon. "Maybe this will explain things."
"A gift?" Now he looked even more confused. "It's not my birthday or anything like that."
"Hey, I thought you'd finally mastered the 'you don't need a reason to give a present' lesson," she chastised him. "Open it!"
Still looking doubtful, he slid the ribbon off of the box. "Is this flannel?" he asked, feeling the fabric between his fingers. "You didn't cut up one of my shirts, did you?"
"Yes, right after I tore it off of your manly chest last night. For the love of God, open the box!"
Luke pulled the top off of the box and stared down at the contents. "It's a card," he said flatly.
"What kind of card?" Lorelai prompted him.
"It's…" He held it up, trying to read the tiny printing in the candlelight. "It's one of those cards they give you at the doctor's –" He went from mildly annoyed to panicked in a split second. "Jesus, Lorelai, are you sick? What's wrong? Tell me right now if –!"
"Luke, I'm fine," Lorelai said calmly. "Look at the bottom of the card. What does it say there?"
Still upset, he squinted at the card. "Dr. Adams."
"Right," she encouraged him. "And what kind of doctor is Dr. Adams?"
"Ob –" He took a moment, letting it sink in. "Obstetrics," he then said, wonder creeping into his voice.
Lorelai didn't say anything, just sat and beamed at him.
"It…it worked? You're pregnant?" He shook his head, as if he couldn't quite believe it.
"I am in fact pregnant. Congrats, Daddy, you successfully knocked me up."
For another few seconds, Luke continued to study the card. Then he dropped it and reached for her, pulled her to him and kissed her tenderly. Joyfully. Ecstatically. And finally, passionately. When the kiss at last ended, Lorelai cuddled breathlessly in his arms, remembering exactly how he'd gotten her pregnant in the first place.
"Wow," he murmured, still getting used to the idea of her pregnancy.
"I know some women wrap up the stick they peed on, but I thought that was too gross. So I went by the doctor's and sort of talked them into making me an appointment so I had something else to give you," Lorelai explained.
"You mean you talked until they made you an appointment just to get rid of you."
"Eh, maybe." She hugged him tightly, then kissed his cheek. "You're happy?"
"You just keep making me happier and happier."
"I do?"
He picked up her hand and kissed it. "The day you said you'd go on a date with me – I thought that was going to be the happiest day of my life. But then you stayed the night with me, and I thought nothing could ever top that – until you agreed to marry me. And now I think this might even outshine our wedding."
"Hmm, I don't know. Our wedding day was pretty darn good."
"It was." He kissed her again. "Do we really have to go out?"
"No, we can stay right here." She snuggled against him. "We can stay here and make another baby."
He chuckled. "I don't think that's the way it works."
She arched her eyebrows at him. "Really? You don't want to at least give it a try?"
"Oh, you bet I do," he huskily agreed. He lowered her backwards until her head hit the couch…
"Ow!" Lorelai yelled, waking up in pain, as her head cracked against the headboard of her bed. She sat up and looked at her empty bed, then all around her lonely room, while rubbing at the sore spot on the back of her head.
"Damn," she sighed, betrayed yet again by her imagination. Thank God Rory was coming home soon, because these dreams were becoming more painful every night.
The day had started out with such promise. The nightly baby dream had been a sweet one, permitting Lorelai to drift peacefully back to sleep for once. She worked half a day at the Inn, then headed to the airport to pick up Rory, her real once-upon-a-time baby. There had been one moment of panic when Rory's exuberant greeting knocked her to the floor, but then she remembered – not really pregnant! – and she luxuriated in the rest of their homecoming merriment.
Unfortunately, good things had to come to an end. She journeyed alone to Hartford, where she bore the wrath of the Gilmores after she told them the truth about Christopher. Now she felt sore and beaten, weary from her parents' unending disappointment in her and their accompanying harsh, cruel words.
She was standing on the sidewalk, looking longingly at the diner, because for some reason she'd stopped in the middle of Stars Hollow instead of driving straight home. If her life was normal, she'd be in there right now, trying to joke about her terrible night. Luke's one-word responses and grunts would somehow make it all hurt less, and a mug of coffee would wash away the remainder of the pain.
Sookie was right. She did miss Luke.
Lorelai roused herself from her street-side pity party. Maybe instead of standing there like the Little Match Girl, she needed to take control. Maybe she just needed to march back into the diner and take her lumps. Maybe she could go in with one of her crazy bits – sometimes he liked her bits (and she didn't mean that in a dirty way, this time) – and bluff her way back into his good graces. If he threw her out, he threw her out, but anything was better than this sad impasse they'd been stuck in since the spring.
Bravely she headed for the door, trying to create an impromptu script in head, something ludicrous enough to distract him while she crashed (ooh, bad choice of words!) through the barriers he'd put between them.
Stepping into the diner again was like entering a kingdom over which she'd once reigned. Her breath caught in her throat when she heard the familiar bells greet her like an old friend. The scent of coffee and whatever had been the day's fried offerings made her nose go crazy with delight. The main lights were off and the shadowy atmosphere made the whole place seem like something from a dream.
"We're closed," Luke said curtly, refusing to look at her.
So no grand reunion on his agenda, then. She reassessed on the fly, boldly walking past his sentry post at the counter and attaining her own personal Mecca, the coffee pot.
"I know. Look, I didn't come here to make up, or to try to get you to forgive me, or to talk." Whoa, there was a lie. Her hand shook as she poured the last of the pot into one of the beloved mugs. "I wouldn't even have come here at all but I had a really crappy night and I really, really need a cup of coffee. Just pretend I'm not me. I'm Mimi…a new customer," she suggested, inventing an alternate personality on the spot. "I've never been in here before. I was just walking down the street and I saw this place. 'Ooh, hey, nice place.' And I came in. Now Mimi is going to pour herself a cup of coffee and sit over here way far away from you, and she promises, just as soon as she's done, she will rinse out her own cup and leave."
Even as jittery as she was about whatever his reaction to her unexpected visit might be, the smell of the coffee buoyed her up. She bent her head over the mug, inhaling the deep aroma, letting the scent transport her to some far off happy place. She lifted the oversize cup, ready to take that first heavenly sip.
The mug was ripped from her hands. Coffee surged over the rim, splashing everywhere. "You can't have that!" Luke scolded. He tossed what was left in the mug into the sink on the back counter. "Are you nuts?"
Lorelai was frozen in place for a minute, stunned by the vehemence of his actions. Finally she groped for a napkin and wiped the coffee splatter from her hands before sliding off of the stool. "OK, I miscalculated," she admitted sadly. She focused on getting to the door, desperate to save some face, determined to ignore his. "I'm sorry. I won't…I won't force the issue again. If you ever decide to forgive me, you know where I am. You can pretend to be somebody else too, Harold maybe, or Stan, and I'll –" The sudden noise of a chair being pulled out interrupted her and she paused at the door, looking back in spite of her good intentions.
Luke was sitting at a table, his head buried in his arms. "Jesus, Lorelai, how did it get to this point with us?" he asked, anguished.
She hesitated, unsure if he'd tolerate her coming back to comfort him or not, but she couldn't walk out and leave him just sitting there, apparently suffering. Cautiously she walked over to him.
"Well, as I recall…" Lorelai struggled to find the right tone. "Your nephew wrecked my daughter, and then I felt the compulsion to wreck you in retaliation." She wavered, but finally put a hand on his shoulder.
"Oof!" With no warning, Luke twisted in the chair, turning to throw his arms tightly around her waist. He buried his head into her middle, and after the minute she needed to get used to the idea, she rested her forearms on his shoulders, the fingers from one of her hands lightly caressing the curling hair on the back of his neck. "Luke?" she ventured after a few seconds, when he didn't move.
"Sorry," he said immediately, releasing her. "I shouldn't have –" But then he abruptly changed his mind. "No, you know what?" He stood up and put his arms around her again, drawing her to him in a strong hug. "I've missed you," he said to the top of her head, his voice gruff.
Lorelai was delighted to hug him back. "I've missed you too."
He drew back, just enough to see her. "Really? Me or the coffee?"
"Oh, well, the coffee's a given, but yeah, I missed you some, too. You know, a little. A teeny little bit." It felt so good to tease him again for real, and not just in a dream.
He smiled, but then something else seemed to seep into his thoughts. His face clouded and he stepped away from her, turning towards the windows and folding his arms across his chest. "So, um…when are you due?"
Lorelai's mouth dropped open, as the line between dreams and reality got very, very blurry. "What?" she squeaked. "What did you say?"
"That's what you're supposed to say, right?" He gave a deliberate shrug. "That's what friends are supposed to ask, aren't they? You ask when the baby's due?"
"Do you think that I'm…I'm not – I'm not pregnant!" she sputtered.
"Not what I heard."
"I don't care what you heard!" She flew over to stand in front of him. "You were the one with your face stuck in my stomach a second ago. You think it feels like I'm pregnant?"
Even in the dim light she could see his cheeks color, and she was gratified she'd made him uncomfortable. No reason why she should be the only one.
"Look, I don't know what you heard, but it's wrong. It's Christopher's girlfriend who's pregnant."
"Isn't that you?" he muttered.
"No, it's not me! It's Sherry! Don't you remember Sherry, the string bean who insisted on becoming Rory's pal, who took her shopping? They were even here in the diner that one morning. Christopher got mad and yelled at me – I know you've got to remember that."
Luke finally looked at her, puzzled. "You're both pregnant?"
"No! Luke! I. Am. Not. Pregnant!" she yelled, stamping her foot for emphasis.
He looked at her knowingly, sadly. "But you were, uh…with him."
That brought her up short. "Wow, for someone who doesn't listen to gossip, you must have had a good source for that one."
"I listen when it concerns someone I care about," he said quietly.
For a few moments Lorelai only stared at him, trying to regulate her erratic breathing. Finally she moved to sit down at the table closest to them. "Will you let me try to explain about Christopher?"
"You don't need to." He shrugged again.
"No, but I want to. I think maybe it would be good for both of us." She patted the chair next to her.
Luke considered, then sat down across from her, obviously not convinced it was a good idea.
"OK, so…the thing with Chris." Lorelai drummed her fingers on the table. "I don't even know where to start."
"Fine by me. You don't know what to say and I don't want to hear it, so…" He started to get back up.
"Oh no you don't." She lunged across the table and grabbed his hand, tugging him back down. "Just sit, Mr. McJumpy. Give me a minute to get started." She stared at him again, getting her thoughts together, and he shifted uncomfortably.
"I don't know how to say this without making it sound like I've been sitting around waiting for him all of my life, and that's not the case. I've always been OK that it's just been me and Rory. I've never felt less significant because there wasn't a man involved. But occasionally I've had the thought that it would be nice to have somebody else around. Nice to share the responsibilities. Nice to have somebody special to be an adult with, you know?"
"Yeah," Luke acknowledged, reluctantly.
"And I guess…I always thought it would be him. Someday all of the stars would align and we'd be together, the way we were supposed to be." She studied him from across the table. "Or maybe that's just what my mother always wanted. I'm not sure anymore."
This time Luke merely grunted unhappily.
"All I know is, I called him the night Rory got hurt. I called him because I was upset and angry and I didn't know who else to turn to. He's her dad and he should know when she's hurt. So I called him, expecting nothing. But to my great surprise, he showed up. Not only showed up, but he stayed. He was concerned. He was as angry at Jess as I was. He said the right things, he did the right things. And then he came back, not just to see me, but because he was worried about Rory." She paused, frowning at her choice of words. "No, not because he was worried, but because he enjoyed being around Rory." She thought about that and nodded. "For the first time, he finally seemed to get what being a parent was all about, like it made sense to him. Like it finally felt natural to him, to be looking out for Rory."
"Took him long enough," Luke muttered.
Lorelai sighed. "It did," she agreed. "But once it happened, it felt…right, having him with us. We were finally this family, the way we were always supposed to be. And it turned out that the appeal of having a traditional family had more power over me than I thought it would. He said it wasn't working out with Sherry, that he wanted to be with us instead, and I believed him. For one night…I believed him."
The muscle in Luke's jaw briefly tensed. "What went wrong?"
Lorelai gave a bitter laugh. "Oh, the universe stepped in. Said, "Nope! No happiness for you! No golden retriever, no matching jogging suits!'"
"It's rough when the universe is against you," Luke said in that sardonic way she'd missed so much. He looked at her skeptically. "You'd wear a matching jogging suit?"
"Work with me here," she admonished.
"OK," he shrugged. "What specifically did the universe do?"
"Sherry called. Said she was pregnant. And Chris went back to her. He's going to marry her, raise the baby. Have a family with her." Lorelai met Luke's eyes. "And yes, the irony of the situation is not lost on me."
Luke was quiet, pondering what she'd told him. "He's still Rory's dad," he commented.
"Well, yeah."
"So you and Rory still get to have a sort of family with him. Just because he's going to be somebody else's dad doesn't mean he stops being Rory's."
"I know that, I just thought – for a very brief minute – that I was going to have the whole package. But I'm not. Once again, it all got yanked away from me just when I thought I had it all figured out. And now my parents are furious at me, because as usual when things get screwed up, it's got to be my fault."
"That's nuts."
"Tell me about it."
There was a quiet moment, and then Luke reached across the table and took her hand. "Look, I'm sorry you got hurt. But have you ever thought that if the universe cares enough to get involved, maybe it's because it wasn't right? Maybe the universe was trying to stop you from making a big mistake."
She rubbed her thumb over his hand and smiled glumly at him. "Why? Because there's somebody else out there I'm supposed to be with?" she asked mockingly.
"Could be." His hand tightened on hers.
Lorelai was suddenly very aware of his touch. Her eyes dropped to his mouth and her heart sped up, remembering how she'd gotten pregnant in her dream. Rattled, she pulled her hand away and sat back in her chair.
Luke spread his hands on the table. "I've missed you."
Lorelai chewed her lips and nodded. "Yeah, you said."
"This summer has been…" He shook his head. "It's been empty, not having you around."
"You could have had me back at any time. I apologized over and over and over!"
"I know that. I thought that by keeping you out, I was somehow punishing you, but I think…it was worse for me instead."
"Luke, again, let me tell you how sorry I am about everything I said to you that night. I meant none of it, I was just so scared and so angry because Rory got hurt. I needed to vent or I'd explode, and you were my target. I'm so, so sorry."
He nodded, even though he didn't really seem to be concentrating on her words, but had disappeared somewhere into his own thoughts. "I lost you this summer."
"But I wasn't –"
"That was bad enough," he continued, ignoring her. "But not only did I lose you, but I also lost –" He cut himself off, looking alarmed at what he'd almost said.
"Luke?" she asked, after the silence had stretched out too long.
He sighed. "You know how when reporters talk to people sometimes, they say it's off the record? You can't use whatever they tell you, it's just for background, or something like that?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, this is all off the record."
"What is?"
"What I'm going to say." He hunched his shoulders and looked down at his hands. "This is just between you and me, here, right now. This isn't something you can joke about with Sookie, or talk over with Rory. I mean it, Lorelai. This is only between us."
She hesitated only a moment before nodding, agreeing to his terms. "Do you need me to sign a notarized document, or do a blood oath, or spit or something?" She was only partially joking.
He smiled briefly. "Your word's good enough for me."
"In that case, you've got it."
"I know…we're friends," he began. "But we've always been kind of peculiar friends. We understand each other, but we don't agree with each other very often. We're not…gentle with each other. We usually say exactly what we're thinking. No sugarcoating."
"True."
"Let's face it, we fight all the time. It's sort of the way we communicate. And our usual fighting – it's not like we're really being mean to each other. Sometimes it's just a way to prove we're clever."
"Guilty!" Lorelai laughed.
"And sometimes…" Luke paused, took a deep breath. "Sometimes I think that we're like kids in middle school, and our fighting is just a way to disguise what could be construed as…flirting."
Lorelai's eyes went wide in shock, flabbergasted he'd brought it up. "Um, yeah. I agree with that, too."
Luke folded his hands together. "But that night, after the accident, that fight was different. It was real. We were trying to wound each other, and because we know each other so well, we knew just what to say to inflict the most pain. Fighting with you like that, it was terrifying. Not so much at the moment, but later, rehashing it. It almost made me sick when I thought about it later."
"I'm so sorry," Lorelai said wretchedly.
"I don't want an apology – that's not why I'm bringing this up. I just need to explain what I've realized in the past couple of months."
"Oh, sure, sorry!" She winced, realizing she'd just apologized again. "Go on."
Luke took off his hat and ran a hand through his hair, as if he was trying to decide what to say next. He left the hat on the table, moving it back and forth between his hands as he got started again. "And I guess I've always thought – felt – that there was this chance…this hope…that someday there might be more between us."
Lorelai involuntarily sucked in a sharp breath and Luke looked at her, frowning, and immediately tried to explain further. "We've always had these little moments, you know? Times when it felt like things could change between us. Or maybe I'm just delusional, and –"
"No. Definitely not delusional." She managed to get her lips to form what she hoped was a smile. "If we each made a list of those moments right now, I bet they'd match." She pointed behind her, over at the counter. "One was over there, behind the counter, right? Paint colors."
He smiled too. "Taylor and the other assorted crazies, ready to break the door down."
"I told you to stay, they'd go away."
"And they did. You were right." He met her eyes, both of them enjoying the memory.
"See? No delusion. Or if there is, it's a shared one."
He smiled at her a little bit longer, before remembering he had an agenda. "So anyway, after our terrible fight, not only did I lose you, but I lost even the hope of you. The hope that maybe one day, there might be something more. And I didn't realize how much I was banking on that hope until it went away – maybe forever. That's when I told myself that if I ever got the chance, I needed to lay my cards on the table." He pushed his hat towards her a few inches. "So to speak," he said wryly, gesturing at the hat.
Unconsciously she put her hands on the blue hat she'd given him. "I'm not sure what to say."
"You don't need to say anything. I realize you're hurting right now, that you just got out of a…thing. This was more about me saying what I needed to say – finally."
"You're braver than I am," Lorelai praised him.
He dipped his shoulder in denial, shook his head. "I don't know about brave. More like too desperate to let another chance slip away."
"Brave," she repeated.
"Or a fool," he countered.
"Definitely not a fool. I should be brave too, and tell you that I'm glad you brought Jess back here."
He looked at her sharply. "Really?"
"Really. He's just a kid – an angry kid – and he needs stability. He needs you in his life. And I was wrong and selfish to make it all about me and my kid when he so obviously needs help. So please, will you let me say I'm sorry and hear it this time?"
"I hear you." He touched her hand, very lightly. "I do accept your apology."
"Thank you." The two tons of guilt she'd carried all summer lifted from her shoulders.
"What do you think's going to happen between Jess and Rory, now that she's back home?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure she knows. She's with Dean tonight, trying to patch things up with him." Lorelai turned around to look at the clock behind the counter. "I should probably be heading home to check on them, actually."
"Before you do…" He shifted in the chair. "What do you think's going to happen with you?"
"About Jess?"
"No. About – what's-his-name. Christopher."
"He's with his pregnant girlfriend. I'm out of the picture."
Luke shook his head. "Out of the picture's one thing. Out of your heart is another."
It took a few seconds before she could believe that Luke Danes had just referenced her heart. She shook her own head to clear it. "Truthfully, I'm still pretty mixed up about that. It's always been confusing. He's Rory's dad – that relationship is straightforward. But what he is to me – that's perpetually been a jumble."
He dropped his head, hiding whatever was on his face. "So if he showed back up, minus the girlfriend, you'd still consider being with him?"
"I…" Lorelai found that maybe it wasn't as confusing as she thought. "No. I don't think so."
His head shot up, and he looked at her hopefully. "Because of tonight?"
"Maybe partially because of tonight. And partially because…I'm just not sure."
He nodded, swallowing his disappointment. "But for sure you do want the family thing."
"I do. If not with Chris, then with someone else. That brief little bit of time with him proved how important that is to me." She looked steadily at Luke. "How about you?"
He startled. "Do I want a family?"
"That's what I'm asking."
He licked his lips while formulating a reply, and Lorelai instantly remembered every inappropriate thing she'd dreamed about him. This time she was the one to shift uncomfortably in the chair.
"Yeah, I do. I know that maybe my actions don't make it seem like I do…I know I've said harsh things about marriage –"
"And kids."
"And kids," he agreed. "But that doesn't mean I'm anti-kids, anti-marriage. I always thought I'd have it all, someday. It just hasn't happened so far."
"Maybe you just haven't met the right girl yet," she challenged him.
"Oh, I think I have," he said, not backing down.
She grinned. "I really should get home," she said, standing up.
"Sure. I'm glad you came in though." He started to walk towards the door with her. "See, that was brave on your part."
"It was, wasn't it?" She gave her hair a little flip, feeling pretty good about everything. "Hey, Luke, can I ask you a hypothetical question?"
"Shoot."
"OK, say you do have a kid someday. Would you take turns with your wife, getting up with the baby in the middle of the night?"
"Absolutely. I figure if the guy had the fun of making the baby, he should suffer through some of the not-so-fun parts."
She bounced on her toes, delighted. "So you'd get up with Katie, would you?"
He half-smiled at her, looked bemused. "Who's Katie?"
Blushing, Lorelai waved a hand in the air, wishing she could erase that part. "Oh, I had a dream, this crazy, weird dream, and our – um, the baby's name was Katie."
Luke chuckled a little bit. "That's really odd."
"Why?"
"Because Katie was my mom's name."
"It was?" Lorelai searched her memory, wondering if she'd been told that at one time or another.
"And I always thought…" Luke looked away, suddenly shy. "If I ever had a baby, and it was a girl, I thought it'd be nice to call her Katie, after my mom."
"That would be nice," Lorelai said faintly. "If your wife would agree. I mean, after all that hard work, she might want to name the baby after herself, the way I did with Rory."
Luke just crossed his arms and smirked at her, as if he could clearly see all of the thoughts going through her mind. As if he knew all about the candles flickering in her living room, the multitude of alarm clocks in her bedroom…even the adorable baby they were going to make.
Impulsively she reached for him, pulling him down closer to her level. She saw the expectation bloom in his killer blue eyes, and she hated to disappoint him, but her kiss was aimed at his cheek. "Don't give up on that hope," she whispered to him, tenderly trailing a hand along his face.
When she tried to step away, he captured her arms and held her in place. He bent down and kissed her lips, gently, but with enough clout behind it to make her melt. "Oh, I think we've got more than hope," he murmured, and followed up that kiss with a full-body hug and a second kiss behind her ear before he let her go.
"It's OK if I come in for breakfast?" Lorelai tried to ask in a business-like manner, ignoring her fluttering heart.
"I'd be disappointed if you didn't."
"See you then." She smiled. A big smile.
"'Night." He smiled back, just as big, and held the door open for her.
"…and that's how you got your name, Miss Katherine Hope Danes."
Little Katie clapped her hands so hard that her dark curls bounced all over her head. "Again, Mommy! Tell it again!"