The blood was still pulsing in his ears. Not too loud too hear her speak but loud enough to dull the 80's song softly playing on the radio as he drove them home from the precinct. After Kate had given her statement to the Captain and the Vice team assigned to the case, Gates had sent her home with strict orders to rest and take some time off.
Rick's headache had been a long time coming, lingering just beneath his eyebrows ever since this hellish day began, but now it was a full-blown tsunami of an ache, crashing over and over against the front of his skull.
Beckett was talking quietly about the amount of cash she had seen in that counting room. She was idly musing on how many pairs of shoes she could buy with it but he couldn't play along. Today was too close, too terrifying to make light of.
"Well, I'm glad we have some uniforms stationed outside the apartment. People who see that kind of money with their own eyes rarely live to tell the tale."
A non-committal "Hmmm" was all she could manage. It had been a rough day for them both and she was trying to forget how close she had come to being nothing but a memory. Castle was not one to beat around the bush but she could tell by the storm in his eyes that he was holding back.
His knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. He was angry. Angry with Vice for their poor research and planning, angry at Captain Gates for allowing her to go in without backup, angry at the boys for not answering his calls, angry at her, angry at himself.
"Tell me what you're thinking", she implored. "I know how hard today was for you. I've been where you were and I'm sorry I put you through that". Tears filled her eyes but she didn't let them fall.
He tempers at this, her concern for him touching when she was the victim. She almost died today. "Jesus, Kate, you're the one who was abducted. I'm fine", he lied.
"No you're not. I heard you threatened Captain Fowler".
"You're damn right I did!" he bellowed. "That idiot almost got you killed because he didn't care to do his homework. He was reckless with your life. And you… You should've…"
"What?" she asked calmly. "I should have what?"
"Kate," he uttered resignedly, "I don't wanna argue tonight. Just let it go".
"Castle, I think tomorrow, I'll be back to arguing with you about ridiculous things like the existence of ninja robots and who's the ugliest Beatle, but tonight I feel like I don't ever wanna argue with you again," she said with a gentle smile. "Just say it, Rick. I wanna hear what you were gonna say".
Her tone is sincere and earnest. She wants to know him and it softens him to think that now it's her who wants to talk. After years of him fighting tooth and nail to get close, to see her heart, here she is wanting him to lay his bare, to tell her what he's wrestling with. So it slips from his lips unchecked.
"You should've walked away. We chose to make a life together, Kate. It's not fair for you to make the decision to knowingly go into a life-threatening situation without even talking to me about it. I get that there're things that you don't wanna tell me or you don't feel like you need to tell me and that's fine. I know how you work, Kate. But how would you feel if I went out tomorrow and made a life-altering choice without you? Like adopting a kid or buying a strip club or something!"
"Which reminds me, I forgot to tell you, I bought a strip club last week." She joked, attempting to bring a smile to his bleary eyes. She knew he was right. When she agreed to take this "simple assignment", she had known she would have no back-up, no weapon. She didn't feel like it would be anything she couldn't handle but in hindsight, she was going in blind and she chose to do it anyway. Chose. Without him.
He didn't laugh, he just continued to focus on the traffic in front of them. So she tried sincerity. "I'm sorry, Rick. I really thought everything was gonna be fine", she said softly, her eyes staring at the hands twisting in her lap. After she called the police from a gas station down the road from the compound, EMT's arrived and pumped her full of pain meds for the gash on her head. The drugs made her feel warm and content but sluggish. Her hands didn't seem her own which is why she was surprised when it reached out of its own volition to rest on his knee. He grasped it and she felt grounded once again.
"You can't do that anymore, Katie. You had to know that a lot could go wrong. Hell their wire couldn't even withstand an elevator". He paused, the thought of her wearing a wire like a cop but not having any back up when they found it made his breathing shallow and desperate. He knew what they do to cops, to snitches. "We got lucky today. Very lucky".
"Very lucky", she echoed quietly. The silence stretches on as they drive along, both lost in their own thoughts. Her Hydrocodone-addled brain is grasping for ways to tell him, to make him understand that she gets it, she doesn't want to leave him either. She'll be smarter from now on.
"I wrote you a letter" she blurts out.
"Huh?"
"When I was there, waiting to meet Lazarus, I wrote you a letter. I wanted to tell you that you're the love of my life." She paused, wanting to say this right, needing to tell him. "But after I wrote it, I regretted it. I thought about you, reading the letter, not knowing if you could ever get over it if my body was never found, if all you had left of me was this letter".
By now tears were silently rolling down each of their cheeks.
"I don't want to leave you, Castle. I won't do that again. Promise."
They pulled up to a red light and he turned to look at her, alive and vibrant. She was bruised and pale but her hand was warm and her glassy eyes were that soft chocolate brown that makes him feel like he's melting into them. Suddenly, he's overwhelmed with relief. She's still here, she's still his and she's made him a promise.
"I want a whole life with you, Beckett. One day, I wanna grow old and read the paper and bicker about whether we're spending our 40th anniversary in space or at Euro Disney. But you have to be here for it."
"How about Vegas?" she asked as they pulled into his parking garage. Her grip on his hand tightened as they hopped over a speed bump. Her attempt at a joke was forgotten as the rattle of her sore bones made her cringe and allow a discreet moan to escape her.
"Almost home", he whispered as they struggled over one last speed bump before bringing the car to rest in his space. She sat a moment, almost in a trance, exhausted by the events and emotions of the previous 24 hours. She didn't even hear him exit the car so she was startled when she found him opening her door. He held out his hand and smiled at her warmly as he helped her out of the vehicle. The garage was empty but she found herself examining the entire scene, looking for any potential threats. Her adrenaline had worn off and now paranoia was having its turn with her.
Castle must have sensed her unease because he pulled her closer and had a look around himself so she could feel like she could rest for a moment, let her guard down. She nuzzled into his neck as they walked and breathed him deep into her lungs. Even as she knew she was not safe, may never be safe, she felt comforted and optimistic. She wasn't sure if it was her heartbeat she could hear or his but with every beat it sang "I'm here… I'm here… I'm here…"